Jane carefully slid out of bed so as to not disturb Kurt. It was 3am, she was five months pregnant, and she couldn't sleep.
Ever since her head had hit the pillow, her brain had started cycling negative thoughts - you're not fit to be a mother; your little girl will turn into Remi; you don't deserve this kind of happiness. She couldn't stand it anymore, so she got up and went to make herself some hot cocoa. As she watched the milk boil in the mini saucepan, her mind wandered to her husband, still fast asleep in their bed. She recalled his face, full of excitement and disbelief when she'd told him that he was going to be a dad. He'd been so happy, and now she was terrified that she was going to screw it all up.
She stirred in the cocoa powder as quietly as she could. She knew that he was as exhausted as she was. He'd been working late every night for the past week, and it was beginning to show on his face. When she asked him about it, he always denied his exhaustion - whilst trying to stifle a yawn. She knew that he needed his rest, but at the same time, a small part of her wanted to go and wake him up, just so that she'd have someone to talk to her, to comfort her. But she didn't. Instead, she made her way over to the couch with the mug of hot cocoa in her hand, curled herself up in a blanket, and turned on the TV, pressing the volume button down low.
Despite the show that was on being one of her new-found favourites, she couldn't concentrate on it. Her eyes went past the TV, to a place where no one - not even Kurt - could reach her. She went to a place full of fear, of self-doubt, of uncertainty. She wanted to love this baby, she wanted to raise it with Kurt, but she just… she didn't know if she could.
As she drowned in her own thoughts, her free hand absentmindedly went to her ever-growing bump and began to stroke it. She was so far gone that she didn't notice he was right behind her until he kissed her cheek.
"You okay?" he worried.
"Yeah, I'm fine.. we're fine," she said, looking down at her stomach. "Go back to bed, I'll be in in a bit".
"No chance," he replied, walking over to lie beside her on the couch. "I don't like sleeping when you're not beside me".
She gave him a weak smile as he put her feet on his lap and stroked her hair. They stayed there like that for a few minutes, the cocoa slowly going cold in the mug in her hand. After a while, she broke the silence in a timid voice.
"Kurt, what if I don't end up being a good mother?"
He looked down at her, his brows furrowed. "What?"
She sighed, trying to structure her sentences carefully. "What if… what if I'm not cut out to be a mom? What if she turns out to be like Remi?" She said the name in a whisper, as if it was a forbidden word.
He kissed her forehead, and smiled down at her gently. "Jane, you're not Remi anymore, and our daughter isn't going to be her either. You're gonna be a great mom. You're kind, you're brave, you're selfless, and that's what every mom needs to be".
She shook her head slightly. "But what if I can't give her what she needs? I mean, let's face it, I'm not exactly a 'role model', am I? I don't have any happy childhood memories, I was raised by a terrorist and I became one myself, I'm always in dangerous situations… I'm just not sure if I'm the right person to bring a child into this world".
He put his arm around her, pulling her close to him. He rested his other free hand on her stomach. She moved her hand to intertwine it with his over the bump.
"Look," he said, "I know you better than anyone. I've seen you at your best, and I've seen you at your worst. There's nothing that you can't do, especially when we're together. This girl is going to have an amazing mom. I just know it".
He reached down and lightly pressed his lips to hers before she could disagree with him again. He lingered for a few seconds before pulling back again. His lips left a faint smile on hers.
"Thank you," she whispered, "I dunno, I just… I keep having these doubts about myself, and I can't seem to get rid of them. Every time I think of who I used to be and what I did, I keep imagining her becoming someone like that, and it… it terrifies me, Kurt". Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, and she couldn't stop them from trickling down her cheeks.
"Hey, c'mon now," he said, wiping away her tears and tightening his arm around her. "It's gonna be okay, Jane".
She buried his face in his chest, as if she was hiding from her own fears. She spluttered out her muffled sobs as he ran his lips across her forehead, trying to soothe her.
"I'm sorry," she choked out against his pyjama shirt.
"Hey, look at me," he said gently, bringing his thumb under her chin to force her to look at him. "You have nothing to be sorry for".
She nodded, tears still welling in her eyes. He pulled her back into his chest and she nestled comfortably under his chin. He brought the blanket up around them whilst still keeping a firm hold on her. Eventually, her breathing slowed down to a regular rhythm, and her sobs stopped. Once he was certain that she was asleep, he allowed himself to drift off to sleep once again.
For the rest of the night, their hands stayed interlinked over the bump.