Kate gave her appearance one last look in the shiny walls of the elevator, making sure that her clothing looked alright, and adjusting her favored cross. She knew there was no point in making herself look perfect, the only people she would be seeing tonight were old friends from high school and college. But then again, she was also acting as the officiating pastor for Max and Chloe's wedding, so surely some manner of decorum was expected of her! Kate found her mind wandering to her years at Blackwell and college, wondering who all was going to be showing up for either the rehearsal or the actual ceremony. Maybe even-
She stopped dead in her tracks, even her thoughts derailed as she walked past the hotel bar and spotted her. There was no mistaking her. There had been several times when Kate would see a shock of hair that was just the right color or eyes that were the appropriate degree of piercing. But there was only ever one Victoria Chase, and you knew her when you saw her. Granted, the recognition was aided by the fact that she looked just like she always had, with the pixie cut and the sweater and pearls and a glass of wine.
In that moment, she knew she ultimately had two choices. She could go over and say hello and 'enjoy' some awkward conversation, or she could pretend she hadn't noticed her and rush to the rehearsal dinner and then when they inevitably met up there, they could say hello and 'enjoy' some awkward conversation. Then, Victoria had to go and make the decision for her by calling out to her excitedly. "Kate!" Well, she didn't have much of a choice now. She moved over and was shockingly pulled into a tight hug by the blonde before joining her in sitting at the small table. "My god I had no clue you were going to be here. I mean, I should have known, but still. Max refused to tell me anything about who RSVP'd."
Victoria always did know how to maintain a conversation in the face of almost insurmountable weirdness. They were exes, dammit. They had known each other since Blackwell, they'd dated for two years! How was she managing to be so damn pleasant? "Wouldn't be much of a wedding if the officiant weren't there."
"Well well... So it's Pastor Katie now?"
Blushing just a touch, Kate hurried to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, wishing she had some way to hide her smile. Hearing that nickname from those lips was an experience her heart had not been properly prepared for. "Pastor Kate, as of last year. It was a bit touch and go there for a while. But I managed to get my certification just before I graduated." Ugh, why was she even bothering to talk about this stuff? Victoria was no doubt having a perfect time in perfect Seattle with her perfect family and their perfect business. Hell, probably all of their friends were having great times with their lives. Kate at least knew that Max and Chloe (while happy that they were getting hitched) got through life pretty narrowly.
And while Kate loved doing her work, she had been hired by a tiny church in a tiny town. The parsonage was a one bedroom, one bathroom house with a living room smaller than a breadbox. It was enough for her on a good day, but it felt confining on days that weren't good. Anyway, she was lonely, and Victoria's presence basically put her in a position where she could not possibly let it slip that she was lonely. That would be the ultimate in deadly embarrassment.
"I'm so proud of you, Kate. That's amazing." Now Kate was beginning to think that she was too harsh in her assessment of Victoria. She sounded legitimately happy, perhaps even jealous. And that made no sense, because Victoria was a photographer working for a big fancy gallery! This entire thing was so weird. "Well then, I guess you'll be at the rehearsal dinner?"
"Yes, in fact I need to be over there soon so I can help our hopeless friends through the motions once or twice. But um... I'll see you at dinner?"
Victoria gave her a more intentional look, propping her chin in her hand and smiling warmly. "Would you mind if I just rode over with you now? LA is already smoggy enough, we don't need to add to the problem if we can car-pool."
It seemed like the worst idea in the world. Hopping into your car with your ex to drive to your friends' practice wedding dinner. But the reasoning was sound, and Kate knew that giving someone else a ride was a good way to give your karma a little boost, even if it put your heart at risk. Being a good Christian involved self-sacrifice. "Um. Y-Yeah, okay. You might have to watch us practice a few times, could be kind of boring. But I'd be happy to give you a lift."
"Not at all. I have to be honest, I'm interested to see you doing your thing." Once upon a time, Victoria had serious trouble understanding Kate's religious side. Now, she actually seemed legitimately curious about it. Kate had tried, over the last few years, to convince herself that she and Victoria were just too different to ever really be right for one another. But that tiny glimmer of interest was... intriguing.
Kate led the way to the parking area where her car was sitting. She had done her masters degree in San Francisco and now lived in a suburb not too far from the city. So when she was contacted by Max and Chloe about the wedding, she decided to drive down instead of bothering with a needless flight. It was an adorable little hatchback, a few years old, in a delightful shade of sky blue. Victoria nodded in approval as she casually slid into the passenger seat while Kate took the wheel. "So... what's life like as a queer, small-town preacher anyway?"
She sighed softly as she turned on the car and soft jazz began to play from the speakers. Max and Chloe lived a little ways out, but not too terribly far. Frankly, Kate was just grateful that the conversation didn't feel like pulling teeth. She had never experienced meeting up with an old ex before. Maybe movies and music had lied to her? "Better than you'd think, but still not ideal. Episcopalians are generally pretty laid back about stuff like that. Gay pastors, gay weddings, it's all technically allowed. The people who really hate the fact that they've become more accepting already left, but some of the more stubborn ones stick around and grumble at every rainbow flag and gay undertone in my sermons. But it's no worse than what any other liberal pastor goes through..."
Kate's eyes were mostly focused on the road. So she didn't notice the fact that Victoria was staring, giving her almost all of her attention. "That's really great, Katie. I bet you're an awesome pastor..."
She giggled nervously, risking only a quick glance at her before looking back out the windshield. "What's up with you? I mean, I'm glad you're supportive but..."
"Seeing you again, I remembered all the frankly rude shit I insinuated about Christianity and... Jeez, I don't know, I don't really have a good answer for you."
Finally Kate was able to detect that the reason Victoria's voice sounded so strange was undoubtedly due to drink. Which meant the blonde may very well have been sitting in the hotel bar for some time before she walked by. Something about that stuck in her mind, though she knew she lacked way too many details to make any reasonable judgments here. "I-It's okay, you were kinder than many. So what about you? How has Seattle been treating you?"
Instantly all that curiosity and kindness was gone again and Victoria turned to look out the window. "Maybe we can talk about it later."
Like herself, you could only really call Max and Chloe's place a house on a technicality because it was a singular unit. It had walls and doors and pipes and things. But it was teeny tiny. Still, every single wall was packed to the gills with artwork from both of them, shelves were cluttered with cutesy knick knacks, and the front door had a wreath that Chloe almost undoubtedly made herself to look like pot leaves instead of flowers. It was, if nothing else, undeniably theirs.
Their hosts welcomed them warmly as they dragged Kate and Victoria into the living room, Max offering over and over again to get them snacks or drinks. "Dammit! I completely forgot to buy tea! I am so sorry, Kate~"
"Max, we drank enough tea in that apartment in college to put the Boston Tea Party to shame. I'm here for you two, okay? Now sit down, we have to go over stuff so I can feel like a real professional!" She retrieved a folder she'd brought with her and set it down in front of them, really little more than a few sheets of paper with some basic printed information. "First and foremost, I hate to tell you but we can't even call this a rehearsal, or tonight a rehearsal dinner. Usually the point of those is to get everyone together so they know how the process works and where to stand and what to say. But it's basically just some responsive readings, giving your vows, and then bam we're done."
Chloe snorted and slugged her gently in the shoulder. "Look who you're talking to. I forget what I'm saying halfway through sentences. I need all the help I can get."
"In case you found yourself wondering why we aren't bothering with bridesmaids or anything, this is why," Max added with a bright giggle.
"Well, luckily it's not exactly complicated. I'll be standing up at the 'altar'. As requested, once the music begins the two of you will be coming down the aisle, arms linked. Take your time with that, it's your big day. I have some very lovely, vaguely non-religious stuff I've written. Then, I'll say a thing, you guys or the congregation will respond with 'I will' depending on the situation. Then, you say your vows, I declare you wife and and wife aaaaand we're done, and it'll be party time!"
Kate had expected someone to be bored by all of this, but even Victoria seemed to be interested in running through the liturgy a few times to make sure everyone was comfortable with it. True to form, neither Max nor Chloe had finished their vows yet so they had to skip that part. Though they did insist on practicing the kiss.
"No! No tongue at our wedding, Chlo!"
"I'm not talking about straight up frenching in front of everybody but... like... romantic tongue."
"Romant- What the hell is romantic tongue?" Chloe just grinned and pulled Max in for a kiss. Admittedly, from an outsider's perspective, Kate had to admit that it did kind of look like something she might generously call 'romantic tongue'. Giggling, she glanced over to see how Victoria was doing. She actually seemed to be mostly watching Kate, because the moment she got caught looking at her, her face lit up and she stared hard at the floor. "Oh crap, it's almost 7:00, we have to get to the restaurant!"
There was still a tiny nurtured core of a perfectionist within Kate who felt a grating on her spine any time someone referred to this as a rehearsal dinner. But she had also developed a thick skin in her short time as a pastor. She knew that this wasn't her wedding, she was just the facilitator, and if her silly friends wanted to use the wrong terminology, that wasn't her problem.
Besides, she now had the presence of friends to dull that tiny annoyance anyway. But more than anything, she was glad to be sitting with Stella and Alyssa because they kept her distracted from whatever strangeness was going on with Victoria. Every time she looked at her, it seemed as though her ex was staring. And as much as she thought she knew her, that face was so hard to read now. Their surface conversations were fine, but she was completely barred from digging, so there was no way to figure out what was going on.
Not that she was actually talking any of this out on her friends. The situation was weird enough without bringing others in on it. Plus, Alyssa and Stella had always been rather vocal about Kate's relationship with Victoria. But sometimes, a distraction was good enough. It wasn't the nicest chinese food restaurant around, but it was kind of high quality for Max and Chloe's tastes, and the food was delicious.
Any decent peace could only last so long. Things were winding down, Warren had attempted to give a best man speech before quickly being shut down by Brooke, and everyone was getting ready to turn in for the night. Courtney and Taylor brought over an inebriated Victoria with cautious glares. "Apparently this one doesn't have a car. She says you're her ride."
Victoria weakly slapped Taylor on the arm with an annoying whine. "You weren't supposed to tell her that! Ugh... Come on Kate..." She took her hand and dragged her out of the restaurant before anyone could stop them.
Kate was initially quiet until they had been driving for a few minutes. "So... why didn't you rent a car for yourself?" Of course, what she really wanted to know was why Victoria had played it off earlier as saving the environment. Still, she figured it could have been any number of reasons. Maybe her usual rental place was out, or they just didn't have anything she was comfortable driving. It could have been anything.
"Because it was too expensive..." That felt like the kind of statement that held a lot of weight, but Victoria wasn't clarifying just yet. The two of them sat in silence while Kate attempted to come up with some kind of second leading question that might help explain things better, but she couldn't think of any that wouldn't come across as highly insulting. "Working for the Chase Space was good at first... But over time, I realized with dawning horror that my parents aren't artists. They run a gallery, but they don't produce anything themselves. I don't know how I never saw it as a kid. I was surrounded by tons of art, but all of it was made by other people. I knew that if I kept working for them, I would never actually be successful in the way I wanted to."
The realization was dawning too late now that Kate had made a huge error in completely cutting Victoria out of her life. She could only drive and listen as Victoria continued.
"I told them as much in no uncertain terms, and they took it... poorly. I went from being a princess to a starving artist overnight. I've been kinda nomadic, going wherever I know I can make good art and living in crappy little apartments. I sell stuff on Etsy when I'm desperate, and occasionally to galleries when I'm lucky."
Kate cleared her throat nervously. "I'm sorry, Victoria. I wish I had known..."
"Yes. It's really too bad. Gee, if only you had at least friended me on Facebook. Or let me know when your number had changed. But you didn't. So surprise, you're two years behind like... all the rest of our friends." The bitterness and bile were rising to the surface, and the most painful part was that Kate knew she deserved every ounce of it. "But you know what? I'm mostly happy, and I'm actually making art now."
Kate pulled into a parking spot outside the hotel and sighed. "Mostly happy?"
"Please don't play dumb." Kate physically flinched. As if she hadn't already seen the signs. As if she didn't know exactly what was happening here. She chose to remain ignorant, and now Victoria was going to force her to look at it. "Just... Just answer me one thing honestly, and then I'll leave it alone forever. You won't have to deal with me after this weekend if you don't want to." Victoria took a long breath, letting it out slowly. "Why did we break up? Really?"
Crap. Shoot. Gee gosh dang heck fuck. For four years Kate had managed to skirt this issue with everyone who asked her. And with just a few words, Victoria was finally getting her to look the issue square in the eye. "...I was... terrified. We were in so deep, and I loved you so much. A-And I... Well, I was going to San Fran and you were heading back to Seattle and I knew that long-distance relationships were tough. And I thought being a queer pastor would ultimately be easier if I was single so my congregants wouldn't have to see me holding another woman's hand. And it was so exhausting having both our families judging us at every turn and..." Kate realized too late that she was beginning to tear up and hastily wiped at her eyes. "Jesus, I don't know, Victoria. Four years ago feels like a lifetime now, like I was still just a dumb kid who wasn't ready to try something difficult, even if it meant being actually happy! Everyone thinks of me as this perfect angel, a pure being of kindness and love who can do no wrong. But I'm human – I was human then and I'm human now. It's a pastor's job to pretend like they know what they're doing, but I don't have a clue. And... And I'm sorry." She was basically spilling everything now and it was all coming out in stops and starts, so Kate figured it might be for the best to wrap it up before she kept talking for a full hour.
Victoria sat there for a long time not saying anything. And more than anybody, Victoria was the queen of making silence feel full and agonizing. Eventually Kate heard the sound of the passenger door handle and Victoria started to climb out of the car. "I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow, Kate. Don't wait up for me, I'm sure you'll have lots to do. I'll get an Uber or something."
Kate decided to just let her leave, sitting there for a good five minutes listening to the soft jazz until it was 'safe' to go inside to her own room. Tomorrow was going to be another long day.
In order to save money, Max and Chloe chose to hold the ceremony at their own house. After seeing it the previous day, Kate had been uncertain that they could really pull it off. But like proper artists, all they really needed was plastic chairs, cheap fabric, some pillars, and a ton of strings of light, and their back yard was transformed into a welcoming, warm space meant for love and commitment.
It wasn't really shocking that Victoria was keeping her distance from Kate, but it was still depressing nonetheless. Kate wondered, had she been too honest the night before? Or was Victoria simply expelling all the frustration and anger she'd built up over the last four years now that she knew the truth?
Still, except for that one selfish thing, the ceremony itself was lovely. Even if Max tripped walking up the aisle. Even if Chloe thought she had lost the ring (it was in her jacket pocket). Even if the music screwed up at one point and Kate had to switch from pastor to technician, fiddling with the speaker and phone to get the playlist back on track. Ultimately they still got to the vows, everyone still cried, they both said 'I do' and kissed with just the right amount of tongue.
As the evening dawned and the lights came on, it really was starting to feel like a damn-near perfect day. Chloe insisted on grilling food for everyone as a way of saying thanks for coming out to see them, wearing a 'kiss the cook' apron – which Max did constantly and with gusto. For a time, it seemed as though the beginning and ending of Kate's interaction with Victoria had already happened. So Kate figured the least she could do was enjoy her evening, having a bit of wine, dancing with old friends, making fun of Chloe's grilling abilities.
She was dancing with the the three year old daughter of a college friend when Victoria sidled up to her and cleared her throat gently. "Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt the fun. I need to steal Pastor Kate here. I have um... a prayer emergency." That logic seemed to satisfy the tiny child and Kate was given permission to leave with her. Acting rather strangely, Victoria walked with Kate around to the front side of the house, sitting with her on the steps and sighing softly. "I'm really sorry Kate. For pushing my luck with you and then ambushing you for honesty and getting mad when you told me the truth. I liked believing I had grown up and was over any bitterness I felt. But that's obviously not true."
Kate just shrugged, grateful that Victoria was apologizing, but still feeling small for some reason. "That's okay... You're allowed to feel bitter."
"But I don't want to!" The statement came out probably more passionate and whiny than Victoria had intended, because she quickly turned red and turned away from her. "Or at least... I don't want to feel bitter while also missing you so much... It makes me feel like a weirdo."
"So if you're not super mad, then why have you been avoiding me all day?"
"B-Because..." Victoria started, then stopped herself, drawing in a slow breath. "Because you were right yesterday. It's difficult and scary and it kinda sucks."
"It?"
"Don't make me explain what I mean out loud. You already know." Her voice was so tiny, so frail, it broke Kate's heart. She wouldn't dare. Not with poor Victoria sounding and looking so vulnerable. "I just felt like I ought to apologize. Do you forgive me?"
Kate smiled warmly at her, fiddling with a strand of hair and tucking it behind her ear. "Of course, as long as you forgive me too. Well, I mean... you can still be grumpy about stuff I guess. That's okay." She shrugged and shifted a little closer so that they were now sitting hip-to-hip. "So um... what do we do now?"
Victoria broke out in a sly smile. "You wanna get out of here?"
Kate's chest suddenly grew tight and it felt like her heart had stopped completely. After all this time, was Victoria really suggesting that so casually? Even if she was only being silly, it was a hell of a gamble. "That's not funny..."
"I know it's not. I'm being serious."
It had actually been easier than Kate expected to get away from the party. No surprise that she would be tired with all the planning and work she'd done. And since Victoria didn't have transport, it made sense that Kate would give her a ride to the hotel they were both staying at. Having already had too many big conversations, they opted for silence on the way back. It was somehow tense and comfortable at the same time, but that felt appropriate.
Kate's body was electrified and she kept thinking at any moment something was going to happen. But they were up to her hotel room without a word or even so much as a single touch. Kate fumbled for the keycard from her purse and got the door unlocked, propping it open slightly and looking back at Victoria. "Um, so do you... Would you like to... Oh shoot, I am so rusty..."
Slowly, Victoria moved in closer to her, plucking the card from Kate's hand and returning it to her purse. With a gentle touch, she moved her inside the hotel room, letting the door close behind them. There was a single second of thick, tense air after the latch clicked with a deafening boom. And suddenly, Kate was being pressed up against the wall as Victoria claimed her lips. She gave a very surprised squeak, muffled by the kiss.
Everything after that was second nature, like riding a bike. Or maybe like being the bike itself – metaphors can be difficult. It's impolite to say too much.
Victoria was laying on her chest, chin propped up on her crossed arms. Kate lay stretched across her back, admiring the tattoo of a cat's silhouette on her shoulder blade, kissing the spot gently. She could still remember the day that all four of them had decided to get the matching ink. Max's deer, Chloe's butterfly, Victoria's cat, and Kate's bunny, which she'd gotten on the inside of her left arm. At the time, it had been a conscious decision to be a visible reminder of her close friends. But for the last four years, it served as a painful reminder of her foolish decision to run away and disappear. Whenever someone would ask about it, she would talk about how much she liked rabbits, and how they felt like kindred spirits, or just talk about her pet Alice. She never told them the real reason she got it.
This felt like penance, or reparations, or something like that.
"You know, I always thought you were gorgeous... But it was seeing you in your robes and... the scarf thing? I don't know, you're just really natural when you're standing up and holding a Bible and saying all those beautiful words." Victoria spoke in a low voice, completely different than she had sounded all weekend. Like she was actually at peace. It was strange to Kate that she still had this effect on someone, especially after hurting them so badly.
"Really? I always thought my vestments made me look so... frumpy. I do love the rainbow stole though. Lynn made that for me. Even if my parents don't always get it, she does." Kate shifted and lay down on her side next to Victoria, reaching out to toy with her hair a little. "So... what now?"
"We get some rest, and then the happy couple will treat us to breakfast. And... we go on our way back home." Just like that, the tension started to return to her voice. It made Kate nervous.
She withdrew her hand from Victoria's hair and reached for her chin, tipping the other woman's face to look at her. "That's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I know. Can we just like... not? Right now? Just make out some more and fall asleep in one another's arms?"
Kate knew it was a bad idea to put off talking about this, but she also knew that they both needed this desperately. And she wasn't strong enough yet to destroy this happy little bubble they had created. So she wrapped her arms tight around Victoria and pulled her in close, hoping that this wasn't some kind of sad little one-night stand.
Chloe had discovered a diner not too far from the house that was basically an alternate version of the Two Whales. She and Max insisted that the four of them get breakfast there before Victoria and Kate had to leave, as a kind of tangential nostalgia trip.
Kate could tell by the looks on their faces that what happened the night before wasn't exactly hard to suss out. The hickeys and messed up hair probably didn't help. And the sad looks on their faces were clearly bringing down the mood. After all, this was the end. Following breakfast, they would go their separate ways and probably never see each other ever again. Obviously. There was no other option.
Max and Chloe shared a look, and Chloe playfully patted her on the shoulder a few times. "Can I do it? Am I allowed to use my moral superiority as a married woman and yell at them?"
"Fine. Use your moral superiority as a married woman and yell at them. If it makes you feel better..." Max said with an exhausted sigh.
"Yessss!" Chloe bounced excited in her seat and turned her full attention on Kate and Victoria. She began dramatically counting off on her fingers. "Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr. Instagram. Linkdin. Skype. Fucking... fucking... get on ChatRoulette and keep randomizing until you find one another."
"Chloe..." Victoria started until she was immediately cut of.
"I. Am not. Done. PM's. IM's. DM's. Asks. E-mail. Five page letters written in loopy cursive filled with flowery language and euphemisms for sex that you send through snail mail once a week. I literally do not care. But if the two of you don't keep in contact after this, I will personally drag the both of you to a central location and force you to talk. Because this is stupid. You both are stupid. And the sooner you get over yourselves,the better we'll all feel. Are we clear, knuckleheads?"
"Yes ma'am..." they answered in unison.
"Look, seriously. I know it's scary? But it's twenty seven goddamn teen. You can get an app for your phone that lets you control a vibrator on the other side of the planet. You can be intimate without being in the same place." Now everyone was especially red in the face, including some of the other patrons at the diner.
"Chloe please tell me you're done. This is seriously the most awkward lecture I have ever been a part of." Kate was keeping her head ducked, even though it wasn't like she was going to see anyone she knew in this place.
Blissfully, their waitress came over, bringing an end to the tirade and letting them return to the normalcy of omelets and waffles.
Kate pulled Victoria's things out of her car's trunk and turned to face her with a nervous smile. It felt oddly brave to extend a hand to her, linking them and intertwining fingers. A simple act that also served as a promise of things to come. Victoria had a plane to catch and Kate needed to get on the road, so this was really their last few moments together. And considering the berating they'd gotten from Chloe, they had some decisions to make before leaving.
Outside the airport,they stood there facing one another, both afraid to be the first to speak.
Finally Victoria made an attempt. "You know, I've had a pretty good run in Chicago. But... I've been looking for an excuse to try somewhere new. I hear there's plenty of good opportunities for artists in San Francisco..."
Kate's breath hitched in her throat and her grip on her hand tightened. "Y-You don't have to do that. I mean, when you're an artist, you should be following your heart. Go out and find beautiful things and capture those moments."
Victoria began to laugh, leaning in to kiss her softly. It felt natural, almost like old times. It made Kate want to believe that such a romance was possible in 'twenty seven goddamn teen'. The blonde reached up to toy with her hair, pulling a few strands away from her face to loop them behind her ear. "I'd say following my heart and chasing something beautiful is exactly what I'm doing."
Face burning, Kate hurried to retrieve a business card from her purse and pass it to Victoria. "Here, my phone and e-mail. You can use that to find me on pretty much anything your heart desires. Um. I'm not sure how to go about getting one of those apps Chloe was telling us about..."
Victoria giggled as she looked over it over. "Wow, an actual contact number. And... Hah, oh my god, RevKBev? That is so damn cute..." She moved in for one more peck against her temple before hauling up her bag. "I should really get going or security is going to be a nightmare. Um. Drive safe. I-I love you..."
Kate had heard those words so many times before. But she wasn't sure they had ever sounded quite so sweet. "I love you too, Tori..."