Summary: Bodhi doubts himself, Cassian doubts everything, and somehow that turns even cuddling complicated.
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Warmth
by Artemis1000
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Cassian slumped bonelessly on the bed, arms stretched out above his head, a tiny smile showing more in his eyes than on his lips, and announced, "I don't think this is what General Draven had in mind for my downtime relaxation."
Bodhi just gaped at him for a mortifyingly long moment before his sluggish, lust-addled brain caught up that the ever serious Captain Andor had just made a joke, and no, he most likely wasn't hallucinating. He chuckled, and really hoped that he wasn't hallucinating. He leaned in for a kiss, the slight movement had him shift, had him shift within Cassian, and Cassian groaned appreciatively into Bodhi's mouth, his legs snapping shut around his hips again.
"Sorry," Bodhi said when they broke the kiss. "That is, if I'm perfectly honest," he flashed him a cheeky little grin, "I'm not sorry for ruining your downtime."
That didn't get a second laugh from Cassian, but his eyes remained soft and amused, and he playfully twirled a strand of Bodhi's hair around his finger. His other hand settled low on the small of his back. "You didn't ruin it."
Coming from anyone else that would have been underwhelming, but by now Bodhi knew to read between the lines.
Several months had passed since Bodhi figured out that Cassian constantly watching and looming over him was in fact not his way of showing Bodhi that he didn't want him on the base, or still distrusted him. The opposite, really. It'd taken longer yet to trust that Cassian would be able to see past the Imperial uniform he'd once worn, and trust in them. Bodhi still felt stressed when he remembered the conflicting wants and fears that had plagued him for so long.
Even so it felt to Bodhi like they barely knew another, but that was the price to pay for their lives. With Cassian transferred back to Operations with its risky long-term undercover missions and Bodhi in the X-Wing training program, their stolen moments together had always been measured more in hours than in days. It was just a part of their life together, and at least until the war was won it wouldn't change. Maybe never. Bodhi couldn't see himself ever wanting to give up the stars, and Cassian didn't know how to not be a spy. And yes, Bodhi had let himself dream of after, but only secretly and a little bit guiltily for getting ahead of himself.
This, both on downtime and plenty of time to themselves, had been their first opportunity to finally make good on all these longing looks and lingering touches.
Bodhi wasn't ready for their night to end.
But Cassian was, well, Cassian, and Bodhi didn't believe in fairy tale princes anyway.
He could already see it in his eyes, could see him rebuild his walls stone by stone though he still laid in Bodhi's arms. He had stopped playing with his hair, too. Inside Bodhi's mind, doubts he'd thought overcome grew new roots.
Bodhi brushed a lingering kiss to the corner of his mouth, before pulling away with a sigh of regret.
"I guess I should leave now." Bodhi didn't want to leave, and he couldn't really pretend that he did, but at least it would save them both the discomfort of being stuck playing to a script that didn't suit their relationship.
It was a well-known fact that Cassian didn't like having other people in his space; even Bodhi could count the number of times he'd been in his quarters on one hand. More than that, he never permitted Bodhi too close, or close for too long, and yes, maybe he should push, but he really didn't want to push, only to be pushed away. It would hurt too much.
Cassian went very still under him. "You should. I have a mission to plan." There it was, the captain's briskness had returned to his voice.
"I…" Bodhi gulped, pushing down the bitter disappointment that Cassian hadn't asked him to stay. Now how was he to tell him that? Whatever he said, it was likely to make Cassian irritable, and then Bodhi would become irritable as well, and now he really wished he weren't inside him anymore. It felt far too intimate for the tense turn their conversation had taken.
Cassian's legs released him before Bodhi could decide on an answer, and then he gave his shoulder a gentle, but firm shove. "If you want the shower you're welcome to it, otherwise I'd like to clean up now."
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Bodhi just looked at him, mouth wide and eyes hurt. That's cold even by Cassian's standards, and more than that, he'd grown used to being exempt from Cassian's coldness.
Bodhi gulped audibly, and shook his head.
"No, no, I'm fine. You can have the shower. It's fine."
Cassian left for the en-suite bathroom, there were perks to his rank, while Bodhi was still getting dressed.
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The next time there was no embarrassed stammering. Cassian had topped this time, and he rolled off him as soon as they'd caught their breath.
In these short moments after they came and before he pulled away his calloused fingers lingered on his body and his sweat-damp hair, and Bodhi in turn clung to him under the pretense that he was still caught up in the moment when he was in truth just caught up in Cassian.
It became a routine, and Bodhi couldn't understand it.
While not exactly sweet, Cassian was attentive in his own gruff way, and their relationship was progressing in leaps and bounds in every other way. But he still turned cold after making love, and Bodhi started wondering if Cassian didn't want sex, and resented him for feeling obligated to it. When he asked all he got was the assurance that no, that wasn't the problem, and while Bodhi believed him he didn't get an explanation either. He didn't push, not pushing another further than they were comfortable with was one of their unspoken rules.
He would just have to accept it as one of the peculiarities of their relationship, Bodhi decided, and accepted there would be no cuddling and falling asleep in another's arms.
What they had instead was good, too.
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It wasn't until a mission to Fest of all places that Bodhi got his wish, though in that be-careful-what-you-wish-for way. It utterly failed to surprise Bodhi, that was just how his rotten luck went.
"No offense, but I'm from Jedha, and even I say your planet is an icy hellhole," he grumbled as he huddled himself even tighter against Cassian. He knew better than to try and suppress his shivering, his body's way of trying to keep warm, but he still wished his teeth would stop chattering for a minute.
Getting to go on a mission together had been a special indulgence, too, the closest they could come to a vacation. Bodhi's luck was something else.
"It's not! Fest is a nice world when you're not spending the night in a cave!" Cassian snapped. It was dark, lighting their emergency lamp would have defeated the purpose of hiding from the Stormtroopers possibly still searching for them, but Bodhi didn't need to see his face to know he was scowling.
Considering Fest was an icy hellhole with factories considering toxins safety an unnecessary luxury, Bodhi begged to differ on Cassian's definition of nice planets, but he kept silent. He would have been just as defensive of Jedha.
There's a disgruntled sigh before hands covered in thick thermal gloves clumsily framed his face.
"Bodhi? I'm sorry everything went wrong. I miscalculated and…"
Bodhi silenced Cassian's self-recrimination with a kiss. He could have sworn he tasted of snow, which was silly, of course, but there could be no doubt he tasted sweet. One kiss turned into two, and into three. Bodhi pushed back the hood of Cassian's jacket and slid his fingers into his hair.
He laughed against Cassian's lips, and murmured, "I think there's a cliché about sharing body heat…"
Cassian chimed in with quieter chuckles, and kissed him again, hard. "Believe it or not, but I have no idea if it's true."
"Neither do I."
Only a moment later Cassian added, "But we have all night to find out, don't we?"
Later, Bodhi wouldn't be able to say if the heat Cassian aroused in him made up for having delicate parts of his body exposed to the freezing temperatures in the cave, but he could say for sure that Cassian's icy fingers on his heated skin were a special kind of bliss.
They made love with their single thermal blanket wrapped around them, and afterwards, dressed again, they huddled back under it together.
Bodhi peppered Cassian's neck with kisses and didn't care that he got a mouthful of fluff from that blue jacket Cassian loved so much, and though he had to do so through two layers of sweaters, a winter jacket and his own gloves, Cassian never ceased his caresses till he slipped into a doze. They shared kisses, and stories of getting stuck outside in the cold, before they turned to plans for visits to warmer planets – but no more jungles! Cassian said, and no beaches Bodhi added, and they tentatively settled on finding themselves another nice ice planet instead.
Bodhi was only woken once that night from nightmares of Bor Gullet, and Cassian soothed him back to sleep with gentle whispers and gentler touches.
Cassian woke, too, shivering and jumpy but eerily silent. Bodhi held him till his shoulders stopped quaking, and pretended he was only doing so because he was cold.
He knew better than to push for answers, so Bodhi spoke of his own fears, of all these nights he woke up convinced that he was the only one who had survived Scarif, and the ones in which their mission failed in a thousand different ways. Then he spoke of the terrible things he had witnessed while with the Empire, and how he still felt that every time he had done nothing to stop it, he might as well have pulled the trigger himself.
It took Bodhi nearly until dawn to realize he was giving voice to both their fears.
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The next time after they had made love, back on base, Cassian moved to get dressed as soon as Bodhi had pulled out of him just like he always did.
"Cassian?"
He turned his head, and frowned slightly when he caught sight of Bodhi still laying there and solemnly watching him, pointedly making no move to shower or get dressed.
Bodhi gulped. He had just intended to ask him to stay, but that struck him as too sudden and blunt now. Or maybe he just didn't have the nerves for it, yes, that was more like it.
"I keep thinking about Fest," he said, and picked at a loose thread on his bedsheet, "I liked that. Sleeping with you. Sleeping sleeping. You know, just.. you and me." He recalled how affectionate they'd been to another that night. Cassian wouldn't freak out just because Bodhi asked, and maybe he should have asked sooner, but now was good, too. Some things had to grow slowly. "Maybe it was a one-time thing and if this is a boundary you aren't ready to cross, and may never be ready to cross, then that's okay. It won't change anything between us, I…"
"You wanted to leave." Brusque voice again, but when Bodhi dared meet his eyes he could read uncertainty in them. Somewhere along the way Cassian had lowered enough of his walls that Bodhi could gauge his moods as well as those of someone whose life didn't depend on his acting skills.
It took Bodhi a while to replay to the very first time they had made love, and figure out what Cassian meant. He sat abruptly and snapped back, "Because I wasn't going to wait for you to kick me out! That would have been worse for both of us!"
Cassian's face turned thunderous. Under these circumstances Bodhi chose to consider it a hopeful sign. "I never asked you to leave!"
"And you never asked me to stay."
Silence answered him, but Cassian wasn't getting dressed, he just kept glowering at him like a wet Loth-cat. Idly, Bodhi wondered when he had started to think of that as endearing.
He let hope bloom within his chest. "I don't want to fight over who is wrong." He reached for Cassian's elbow, his heart skipped a beat when he didn't shake him off. "I just want you to stay now… if you want."
Cassian's face didn't soften as such, his eyes just turned from stony to suspicious, but Bodhi knew that to be a success in itself. Suspicious meant Cassian wanted to, he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop like he always did. He perched on the edge of the bed, though he remained as tense as if he were braced for battle. "I enjoyed Fest, too."
"Then…" Bodhi turned hopeful eyes on Cassian. Cassian didn't pull away when Bodhi moved his hand from his elbow to his back, where old blaster burns had turned the skin scarred and rough.
"I'm not very good at this," Cassian declared, his face pinched with something which Bodhi suspected was frustration with himself, and the circumstances.
Bodhi gave a one-shouldered shrug. "Neither of us is. But we have to keep trying anyway." He gave him a pointed look. "Or do you want to give up on us?"
There was that grumpy Loth-cat glare again, and a snappish, "Of course not!"
Bodhi smiled, and waited, and tried not to feel nervous. Or at least not to be quite so blatant in showing it. There was no reason to doubt himself, or that Cassian wanted him, too. He just… He just doubted anyway, because he always doubted himself.
Ice settled in Bodhi's veins while Cassian fought some internal battle he couldn't hope to ever be privy to. He was about ready to tell him it had all been a mistake and a misunderstanding and please forget it, when Cassian's still body came to new life.
Cassian slipped back under the covers with an unhesitating ease which told Bodhi he was the very opposite of at ease. Bodhi smiled again, and felt a little bit better for knowing that Cassian was just as nervous as him. That alone made it a little bit less scary already.
They laid on their sides, face to face, and Bodhi was the first to reach out. He draped his leg over Cassian's. That earned him a probing look, and then a sigh followed by a small smile. Bodhi smiled back. The ice in his veins thawed.
It was Cassian who buried a hand in his long hair and leaned in, forehead to forehead, noses smushed together. "Sleep," he told him gruffly, but Bodhi could hear a not-quite-smile in his voice.
"Will you sleep, too, or are you going to spend the night brooding?" Bodhi quipped.
Cassian choked down a laugh. "Both? No. No, I'll sleep, too."
Bodhi tilted his head, he sighed in contentment when their lips met. They kissed deeply, one of these lingering kisses that warmed Bodhi down to the tips of his toes. Giddiness swept through him, and from that overwhelming happiness desire fanned anew. He wanted to feel and taste Cassian, and be as close as could be to him.
Cassian's hand slipped from his hair down to his back, and Bodhi wrapped an arm around his waist. They sank together, chest to chest, their legs entwined.
Bodhi's heart picked up speed.
He was eager to fall asleep in Cassian's arms.
But maybe sleep could wait a little bit longer.
The End