Thanks for the Hope

Carey _

"There's no possible way that you're going to forget what happened," Morgan hauled me into the bathroom, my home away from home. The only thing I liked about it was that it was red, my favorite color- that and the fact that it's my safe place. For the past few months I've come here every day and cried. Nobody goes in this bathroom but me and Morgan, therefore nobody can hear my cries. It worked out perfectly.

"But I have to," I turned the cold water on and started splashing my face. If Fletcher found out I was crying, I'd have to tell him why—and I'm not planning on that. "It's starting to make me rethink about me and Fletcher."

Her focus left my face turned towards her own. She started fixing her hair, wondering how to reply to my statement. "You've only been with him for a couple weeks. And he's made you really happy so far, right?"

I nodded, grabbing some paper towels.

"Just because Daniel, just one guy, did something to you doesn't mean every other guy will. Daniel raped you over six months ago. And Fletcher won't do anything you don't like; I know that for a fact. But you should still tell him soon…" she sighed.

I started biting my lip as I always do. "Fletcher would probably force me to go to the counselor. And if I told him about Daniel I'd have to him about everything else. You know I can't do that. It took me how long to tell you anything?"

She was speechless.

"Exactly. I'm stuck like this."

"But he's your boyfriend, you should tell him everything!"

The sound of heels slapping the floor was echoing towards the bathroom. You could hear faint whispers in the back ground. Before she even walked in, I knew it was her. Her metallic black pony tail was bouncing up and down with the beat of each slap. As she came into view, the whispering ceased. It was Leah and all my other ex best-friends. "He's your boyfriend, you should tell him everything!" she mocked Morgan in a high pitched squeak.

"Just leave, Leah," Morgan snapped. I guess it was a good thing that she was paying attention now.

I grabbed my bags, just wanting to get away from her presence. Not just Leah's, but off of them. Morgan was the only one to stay at my side through it all. Even if that meant losing her social status, she'd always be there for me.

Leah stepped closer to me. "Make me."

I whipped my mouth from the dry blood, and then sniffed once.

"What a freaking cry baby. You're always in here every day crying," she pursed her lips.

"I have reasons, "my voice was barely a whisper, and came out faster than intended. My hand found the red streak in my hair subconsciously; it was something I always did when I was afraid.

Alex, Leah's new side kick I guessed, stepped up to battle. "You're the one who broke up with Daniel, remember?"

A boulder rammed into my stomach. "Not just that…"I held back tears thinking of what happened.

"Oh, and your brother's in Iraq, you pobrectio! News flash! My father is in Afghanistan!" she fired.

Morgan followed me to the end of the bathroom. "Just shut up, seriously."

I snapped my bracelets rough on wrist.

"Okay, guys, chill. She's gonna go cut herself," Leah presumed to leave.

"Attention-whore!" Alex coughed.

"Leave her alone! You don't know anything about her, so you can't go talk crap about her! God, you're such a bitch! Just leave Kyle alone!" Morgan defended.

My lip was bleeding again, and tears swam down my cheeks.

Alex smirked, "What a cry baby!"

Leah turned back around and glared at Morgan. "I told you, she's an attention-whore selfish bitch who just wants everything to be about her. Once things got good between her and Daniel, she had to dump him. Once her brother left, she started being all suicidal." She turned to me. "You can never be happy, Kylie! You want everything to be about you, and I'm tired of it! You need to go to some freaking psycho ward or something, or get some help, my God! You're crazy, Kylie! Just get a hold of reality and suck it up that your life sucks! So do other people's, and you don't see them doing what you do!" her nasally-voice took over the bathroom.

"Just leave, Leah. Before you regret it," Morgan stepped closer to me. She was so intrigued that she was considering fighting Leah, which means getting suspended, and ruining her school work. That's something you don't see every day.

Leah followed Morgan's steps. "Or what?"

I looked at my feet, trying not to look into anyone's eyes. "Guys, chill!" I screeched.

Leah's lips pursed again. "For once in your life, Kylie, you're right. You're damn lucky I don't have time for you and that psycho girl," she huffed and left like nothing had happened.

I slid down the bathroom wall as her followers left with their leader. It wasn't supposed to be this way. "Why is my life like this? Why can't it be good for a change? Leah's right, I'm never happy. Why can't I be?"

Morgan sighed and sat in front of me. "Maybe Leah's right; maybe you do need help, or need to talk to someone…"

My eyes flickered to hers, which were staring out of place, not into mine like usual. They were nervous, afraid of my reactions. "I can't tell anyone."

Her eyes moved to the other side, still not staring at me. "I don't see why you can't. It could save you, Kyle."

"Because I don't really appreciate a psychiatrist down my throat trying to figure me out, or being put in foster homes for a couple months. And since Evan's gone, I can't handle everything like I used to."

"Like you used too…" she mumbled and stood up slowly. "I gotta go do some homework. Text me tonight, Kyle," and just like that, she was gone.

It hit me then; I honestly must be crazy if my best friend says I need help. But it was impossible for me to tell anyone else my problems. It was hard enough to write them down on paper to my brother, the person I trust the most. How could I even start to tell someone?

I blinked a couple times to get the tears out of my eyes. I noticed something glaring from the light under the sink. Without even going over for a closer look, I knew exactly what it was: a safety pin. No, it wasn't mine, but I knew what it was for. My fingers suddenly reached my bracelets. Temptation was going to kill me today if it was the last thing.

I was snapping harder and harder, just thinking about the progress I've made. Over two months I've gone without it, only coming across my mind rarely now. I was being pulled towards it though. It was calling my name, and I hated that. "I have to end it," I whispered to myself. But it was hard to end it; especially when it's on your mind, taking over everything else- good or bad.

"Kyle!" Fletcher called—he must be using his psychic powers to know I need comfort.

His voice knocked me out of my trance. "Hold on…" I stood up, still eyeing the safety pin. I whipped my eyes to make it less obvious I was crying, even though he probably knows already that I was. I stepped out of the bathroom to see him lying back on the parallel wall.

"Morgan said you needed to talk to me?" he put his hand out.

I continued to bite my lip. The one thing I didn't like about her was that she pushed people to do stuff that they didn't want to do. It can be a good or bad thing, but worth it in the end either way. "It's a lot of stuff…" I took his hand.

He pulled his phone out to check the time. "We have, like, thirty minutes," he half smiled. "Are you okay?"

I wanted a few seconds before I let a deep sigh out of my mouth. My heart was pounding faster than NASCAR.

"Come on, Kyle; you're worrying me."

"I'm afraid that you can't handle it."

His eyes searched mine. "Come on, babe. I can, and you know it."

I closed my eyes. "Where do you want me to start?"

"Give me subjects."

I breathed, still quiet afraid. "Daniel and my health."

"Oh, God, you don't have cancer do you?"

I shook my head. "I cut myself…but…I've been clean for two months." I looked away from his luring Hershey brown eyes. It broke my heart to see him sad; I couldn't handle seeing his reaction.

His eyes widened. His mouth was moving, but there was no way I could understand what he was thinking. "Do you realize how bat that is…?" he whispered-yelled finally.

I nodded.

"Then why do you do it?"

I sighed again, even more afraid. "You know everything with my home life. And then their's Daniel…" my voice faded.

"You still love him, is that it?" he raised his eyebrows hoping that wasn't the answer.

My mouth was quivering, unknowing of how to say it, afraid of his reaction. Well, I guess he was lucky. "The real reason I broke up with him was…"

He looked away, then back at me.

I looked down again. "He raped me," I mouthed. I couldn't even say it out loud yet.

His hand fell out of mine meeting his other hand at the top of his brown hair. He slumped, walking around in circles mumbling cuss words. "And you didn't tell me this sooner, why? What the heck, Kyle! Have you told anyone else? Like your parents, your brother, a counselor, the police for crying out loud?"

I solemnly shook my head. "Well, Morgan knows. And I just told my brother in a letter, and I haven't gotten a response yet."

He just kept cussing and shaking his head in disappointment. "I can't believe this. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why haven't you told anyone?" he demanded. I couldn't blame him for this reaction; I just wish it was nicer and more caring.

I didn't reply to him for a while. "Well, now what?" I finally asked.

"I don't know. I'll talk to you later," he turned around and just walked away. No hug or kiss goodbye. Not even a 'goodbye.' Nothing.

I started running towards my car without letting a tear down or a word out of my mouth.

Kyle,

I never did ask you why you'd rather be called Kyle more than Kylie…why?

I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me this after everything we've been through. Have you told Mom or Dad? I know that they're not the best of help, but it's better than nobody. You honestly do need help, sis. Just because they sent me away when I needed help doesn't mean they will with you too. I don't want you to be like Ryan and commit suicide or Megan and leave us. You're the most important person in my life, and I want you to take care of yourself; I don't want to lose you too. If that means talking to someone once a week, taking some medication, and me coming home, then that's what it means. I'll talk to my General and ask if I can come home due to family circumstances. I'm here for you, Kyle. Please, for me, stop cutting, stop living with Mom and Dad, stop letting your life be hell. Make it better than it is. Make it worth something, make it worth living. If you can, call me soon and let me know what you decided to do. I'm always here for you. I'm extremely hopeful for you right now; hopeful that you'll do the right thing for you. I love you.

-Evan

I was relieved to see a letter from my brother in the mail box when I was home. A great deal of pain was life off my back once I read no yelling, and how much he cared. I was safe; at least with him I was.

When I pondered in the downstairs window, I saw a tall shadow lurking in the kitchen. My dad didn't go to work today. "I'll just run up to my room, lock my door, and ignore him." I told myself. I gulped and readied myself for an encounter. "I can do this…"

I slipped the doorknob to the left and pushed open the door to see Dad already drinking a beer. It was only eleven now; a new record. I wanted to ask him about it, but figured it'd be a good idea not to. I was trying to be as quiet as possible, hoping he wouldn't notice me.

"Who's the letter from?" he said in a monotone voice.

"Evan," I whispered. I was right by the stairs, just five feet away from him.

He sipped his beer. "Why? And why are you home so early." He sipped again. If there was an award for a lazy, horrible alcoholic failure of a parent, he'd win in a heartbeat.

"I had a bad day at school so I decided to skip the rest of the day. And he was answering my last letter."

He slammed his beer down. "You still talk to him? He was kicked out for a reason. You shouldn't talk to a failure like him." He walked over to the fridge and grabbed another. There were three empty ones on the counter now.

"He's my brother, and the most important person in my life. And if I shouldn't talk to failures, then why am I talking to you?" I fired, regretting it right away.

He walked up to me. "You don't talk to me life that."

I could smell the alcohol in his breath, and could tell his pupils were dilated. I was sure that once I walked upstairs I'd smell weed or something. "I'm just saying the truth, Dad."

"Why are you even home? You're so careless, you're just gonna flunk out of school," he remembered the letter from Evan sitting in my hand. "What did he say?"

I stepped backwards so he couldn't read it.

"Give me the damn letter, Kylie!" he raged. His nostrils were flaring.

I remembered that he's the easiest to get angry. I learned that years ago, yet I still pick fights with him- bad idea. "It's our personal letter, Dad, stop." I whispered again. I went to turn around but he grabbed my arm and pulled my back. "Dad!" I squirmed, afraid of what I knew was about to happen.

I then did something I haven't done in months: prayed. I haven't believed in God since Evan left. I would always pray that everything would stop being horrible, that Evan would stay and take care of me, and that nothing bad would happen again. It never fixed, therefore there was no God for me. God, don't let him do this. Please let him calm down. Please…

His hand struck my face the same time more tears flowed from my bright blue eyes. It had happened again. That he had hit me in general, and that God disappointed me. "Teaches you to disobey me, huh," He walked back to his beer, just leaving me be.

I was frozen. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. It was over. I lost. "I'm done," I said to myself. But I couldn't let this be the end. I wouldn't let it. Evan was right: I had to tell someone. And this wasn't going to be easiest nor hardest thing have I had to do. But I have to do it for him, Morgan, Fletcher, and most importantly myself.

I found myself sitting at my computer with my email open. In the send to blank was my counselor's email, and in the message area, it was blank, ready to have words filled. How was I to even start explaining?

All of the sudden, it came to me.

Mr. Kale,

I'm Kylie Walls. I've been in your office once or twice over the two years, but just about scheduling and colleges and stuff. But I need to talk to you about my parents. It's serious, and I'm afraid to speak to an adult about it. But I need too. It's affecting me in ways I never expected. It's not just about my parents; it's about past relationships and my mental health, too. I'm free anytime during the school day to talk to you. Just know this is pretty much an emergency.

Thank you,

Kylie Walls.

Before I could change my mind, I sent it. And all I had to do was thank my brother and my best friend for having hope in me.