RESIGNED.
It had been a long day, and Ianto was very tired. He opted to walk home, because he wasn't certain he was safe to drive. Not only because he was so exhausted, but because he felt angry and thoroughly fed up. He was pretty sure that he couldn't be trusted behind the wheel of a car right now. He didn't mind the walk home anyway even at this time of night, it gave him the chance to calm himself down and think through the day, clearly and objectively.
It was a bitter night, and with his coat pulled tightly around him Ianto strode through the late-night streets, head down and hands shoved deep into his pockets to protect him from the cold. As usual, he had been the last person to leave the hub. There had been a lot of clean-up to take care of after the incident with the sleeper agent. Not least of which was the scrubbing out the back seat of the SUV, because it had been covered with Jack's blood and if it had been left to dry the stench would have been unbearable. It was quite likely that the others wouldn't have noticed, they never seemed to pay attention to anything nowadays that involved doing something helpful like cleaning. Ever since Jack had returned from his trip away, Ianto had felt relegated back to the position of office boy, come coffee maker, come janitor. His significance as a field agent and an active member of the team was clearly irrelevant now. Ianto was frustrated by the fact that there was no longer a clear chain of command and he wasn't certain whether he should be following Gwen's instructions or Jack's. And the two of them relished the chance to argue and flirt at the same time, which was faintly annoying. Ianto resented it, and he was pissed off at himself for resenting it. It made him sound petty, and he didn't like that one bit. Unfortunately, Owen seemed to take great delight in bringing attention to Ianto's current feelings by teasing him and winding him up. The truth was Ianto was more than just tired. He had had enough. He wanted out, and now that Jack was back there was no reason why he couldn't go. The others did not need him and he was sure they could survive on instant coffee.
Ianto was startled to realise that he had arrived at his front door without even really noticing. He fumbled for his keys and let himself into his flat. It was a dismal affair. In another life it could have been a really flashy apartment, with new furniture and designer fittings. When Ianto had first come to Cardiff he simply hadn't time or the inclination to make it feel like home. Somehow, after Lisa's death, Torchwood had become habit and Ianto had abandoned all pretence of having another life. Now, he was left with nothing. He hung up his coat and wandered through to the kitchen. Instinctively knowing where everything was in the darkness he made his way around the cupboards and prepared himself a cup of coffee, relying solely on the light that streamed in from the street lamp outside the kitchen window. Mug in hand, he went to his bedroom to go to bed. As he got undressed he wondered how his life had come to this as an overwhelming sense of worthlessness washed over him. It was so powerful he was left feeling nauseous as he stood at the bathroom sink to brush his teeth.
It was time to change his life, time to move forward and let go all the terrible things in his past. Ianto had once believed that Torchwood defined him. He had once promised himself to make up for the deaths of Annie and Dr Tanizaki to allay himself of the guilt. He realised he would never get over that and no matter what he did their lives would always be on his conscience. He wanted to do what was right. He had always wanted to do that. And somehow, he felt he was beginning to lose sight of what was wrong and what was right and he realised that Torchwood made those terms even harder to understand. During the months of Jack's absence, the team had almost fallen apart and then somehow they had managed to find themselves again. It had been very hard on all of them, but somehow they had managed it. Now that Jack was home again, whatever it was that had held them together had disappeared. Ianto knew that this was entirely personal, and it was something that he could not resolve. He just wanted to go back to a time when he had never heard of Torchwood or cybermen and where he could do a normal job and have a normal life. These things were beyond him now, they always would be and Ianto understood that with such clarity he was left reeling and unable to decide what to do.
His nights were crowded with terrors that haunted his dreams, and his waking days were spent living in fear. He wished he could understand it and control it or better still make it go away. There was always retcon but Ianto knew that was not the answer, not for him anyway. He was too clever and would soon work it all out and remember all over again. It would just be a waste of time and effort, and he didn't see the point of that.
There was also the question of Jack and his unresolved feelings for the man. Ianto hated him and loved him in the same breath, and sincerely wished he had never met him in the first place. Jack had saved him once, consumed him, and then spat him out. Ianto understood, he really did, because Jack was just Jack, a creature beyond comprehension, beyond attachment, beyond everything really. It both confused and angered him and Ianto just wanted him out of his life, well that wasn't strictly true. He wasn't really sure what he wanted any more, and that was the problem really.
The hot shower was a welcome relief, steaming water, soothing, aching muscles, and a sore back and Ianto leant against the tiles to let it run over him. He closed his eyes and breathing deeply and evenly in an effort to try and calm down his tumbling thoughts and feelings. Tears escaped and Ianto found himself swallowing back sobs and biting on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying. His shoulders heaved and his gut tightened with pain, but Ianto remained silent and slowly collected himself, not wanting to let the emotions escape any further. It took him a moment to realise that there was someone standing in the bathroom on the other side of the glass. Somewhat startled he flung the door to the shower cubicle open and discovered Jack standing there. Ianto hissed with annoyance and turned off the tap. Jack handed him a bath towel.
"You weren't there when I got back to the hub."
Ianto hurriedly wrapped himself in the bath towel and stepped past Jack with a scowl on his face.
"I didn't know I was supposed to wait. Where were you anyway?"
Shrugging Jack followed Ianto to his bedroom. "I have things I needed to attend to, sorry, I just expected you to be there."
"Well, as you can see I'm here at home, my home, in case you'd forgotten, and you had no right to just let yourself in like that. You didn't ask me to wait, so I came home. You have a problem with that?" Ianto's tone was icy.
Jack frowned. "Sorry, you've never complained about it before."
Ianto stormed through to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. "Before what Jack? Before you left? Before you got back? What? You think you can just piss off and then come back whenever you feel like it? Well I'm sorry, you can't, not here. This is my home, unless of course there's something you need me to do at work. Like making your coffee or putting the files away, perhaps?"
Jack gaped at him. "Jeez, I guess I should go then."
Ianto nodded. "Yes, I guess you should, and I'd be grateful if you left my keys behind."
"It's the spare one for emergencies."
"Is this an emergency, then Jack? Am I dying on the floor? Are you dying? Is the world about to end? No, I guess not. Funny that. Don't take liberties. This is my downtime, my time, not yours or Torchwood's."
Jack really wasn't sure how to react, Ianto had seemed his normal, amiable self earlier in the day. He walked to the front door and opened it.
"I'm sorry, I upset you. I just thought it would be nice if we could talk that's all. I guess I was wrong. I know you're angry with me for leaving, but I've been back a few weeks now..."
"And you've still to apologise to us for running out in the first place. Or tell us where you were and what you were doing. And maybe it doesn't concern us, but I would have liked to think that you trusted me enough to tell me at least something. I was clearly mistaken."
Jack sighed and closed the door and facing Ianto with a stern look on his face. His eyes blazing.
"Don't you dare, don't you dare throw that in my face. After all the secrets you kept you have no right to throw that accusation at me!"
Ianto backed off the pace, feeling somewhat vulnerable in his near naked state.
"What do you want from me, Jack?"
"Nothing now. I'll be on my way. I'll see you in the morning." He turned and left slamming the door behind him. Ianto glared at it and huffing in exasperation he went back to his bedroom and got into bed. He took two sleeping tablets with his lukewarm cup of coffee and sank into a restless sleep.
Jack was stunned. He really had not expected Ianto to react in such a manner. He practically stomped back to the hub, and when he got there he sank behind his desk and pulled out a bottle of Scotch from the bottom drawer. He understood that Ianto is angry with him, but had not anticipated him being so cold. As he poured himself a measure of single malt he found himself wondering what had actually happened to Ianto during the time that he was away. Since he had returned all Jack wanted to do was put the sorry experience behind him. It hadn't occurred to him to consider just how deeply affected the others may have been by his absence and part of him wondered if any of them actually remembered aspects of that year that never was. Perhaps that was what was wrong with Ianto. Jack shuddered at the thought, and then quickly put it aside. Surely, if Ianto remembered then he would say something, if not to him then maybe to one of the others. But the Doctor had fixed everything hadn't he? Jack slugged the contents of the glass, the amber liquid burning down his throat as doubt gnawed at him. He resolved to talk to Tosh in the morning. If anyone would know about what had been happening to Ianto then he was sure that she would.
Jack sank back into his chair and scrubbed his hands down his face. He was suddenly feeling the weight of that year, bearing down on his shoulders and pushing him down into the ground in an attempt to bury him. He shuddered, angry that the Master had done so much damage not only to his soul, but to his spirit as well. Jack honestly thought he was over it by now. He had spent three months on the TARDIS healing, the Doctor refusing to let him go home until he was well enough to cope with the terrible things that had happened to him. If Ianto had gone through even a quarter of what he had experienced then he had every right to be angry and upset.
Tomorrow, he was determined to find out what was wrong with the young Welshman and to sort it out for him as quickly as he could. He owed Ianto that much, and in truth, wanted to give that much. He really had come back for Ianto, and perhaps he hadn't shown him that as well as he could. The dynamic of the group had clearly changed in his absence and Jack was wondering if they would have been better off without him returning.