Title: Midnight

Rating: T

Summary: Shepard always waits until Thane goes to sleep to worry about him. It's better that way. Thane/F!Shepard.

A/N: Downloaded the Lair of the Shadow Broker today, and it's amazing. It just made me really sad that I broke up with Liara for Thane. Thanks for reading. Review please.

Midnight

He was fine. He was there; he was breathing; he was fine. The sweet smell of his skin and the lazy aroma of sex hung in the air. Her pale hand was stark against his bare chest. She was spooned against his side, one leg tangled in between his. His very alive arm, warm and dry like the desert, was thrown across her waist, holding her to him in a steel-like grip. The earth imported oscillating fan drowned out the sound of his heavy breathing, but she could feel it. She could feel the fluttering of his alien heart beneath her fingertips. She could see his chest rise and fall. It should have been reassuring, but the knot in her chest wouldn't go away.

As time passed around them, as the Reapers drew ever closer, she thought she would begin to get used to the thought of him dying. It wasn't getting easier. In fact, she'd wake up with cramps and stumble up to the bathroom to throw up at the mere thought. Dark bruises had begun to form beneath her eyes from the lack of sleep as the thought haunted and tormented her. Her greatest fear was that she would go to sleep with him beside her, and he would not wake up in the morning. A few weeks ago, she'd fallen asleep and woke in such a panic that she'd grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and shook him awake.

When she crawled out of bed every morning and looked in the mirror, it was a wraith staring back at her, not a human being. Shepard had never eaten much to begin with and popped more protein pills that even Ashley had on the original Normandy, but she was losing weight. Her hair was thinning as it fell out from stress. If she really had to, she'd compare the agony of staying with Thane to hunting down Saren that first time and realizing just what Sovereign was. But she did stay, and she would always stay. She was his 'Siha'.

The skaid fish swam absently in her tank, and she stared at them. If she kept forgetting to feed them, they would die.

Quietly, she removed the duvet from her naked body and dislodged herself from Thane, careful not to make any noise and put the comforter back over the drell. His arms slid off her easily despite the hold they normally had, and his sleep went undisturbed. Thane disliked the fan. It made him feel cold while she loved it. He'd given in to her request of using it while they slept, but in exchange she had to get another comforter.

She bent to pick up her underclothes and put them on quickly. Sliding on a pair of soft pajama pants and leaving her top on the ground, she went to her computer terminal and turned it on. Kaidan had sent her another message, begging for reconciliation. His words had hurt her on Horizon in more ways that he could ever know. When she'd needed him most, he'd given her his back and a meaningless farewell. Friends didn't do that to each other, two years dead or not.

With a sigh, she slid a hand through her dark black hair and leaned forward so that her elbow was on the desk. She'd broken his picture after Horizon. The screen was cracked in three places and couldn't be fixed. But she was doing it again. Being with Thane felt right and wonderful and incredibly painful all at the same time. It was a whirlwind of emotions, an explosion. It was something she needed so badly when Kaidan had been distant with her, Liara a stranger, Garrus bent on revenge. She'd needed to feel so badly. Now that the storm had cooled, however, the feelings were beginning to kill her.

She didn't regret her relationship with Thane. On the contrary, she loved him so much more than she had ever loved Kaidan. Thane was exotic, powerful, a murderer just as she was. He was cool and intelligent and suave. She didn't know much about Drell culture, but he was attractive by human standards, and apparently the same went for her. And he was dying. He was going to leave her all alone to fight the reapers. He was going to leave just like Kaidan had.

The muscles in her arms gave out, and she buried her nose into the crook of her elbow on the desk. People were always leaving her. It didn't matter how hard she dug her nails into them, begging them to stay just for a little while. She was attracted to that distant tragedy, desperately trying to fix what was so permanently broken. So it had been with Toombs, Kaidan, and now with Thane. Thane was dying, though, and he couldn't be fixed. Maybe it was that fatal tragedy that had hooked her so strongly. Mordin hunted for a cure daily, and she waited anxiously, sometimes bobbing up and down in place, for an email from several test trials. Anything to save his life. Anything so that he didn't have to leave.

Anything...

She pushed off from the desk and stumbled to the bathroom, feeling the bile rise in the back of her throat. The vomit came out forcefully, just dribble and acid from her empty stomach, really. There was nothing in her to throw up anymore. Tears fell from her eyes and dropped into the toilet. How far the specter had fallen. If the Council could only see her.

And suddenly warm hands were holding back her hair.

Startled, she scooted back and wiped at her mouth, staring up at Thane. He'd put on his loose-fitting sleeping pants and was staring down at her with something like understanding and pity in his eyes. Often he tried to talk to her about this. Often he tried to get her to eat something; he'd once even broken if off for a few days to try and make her feel better. Being away from him just made her more miserable. Thane was older than her and wiser in many things, but he had never watched someone he loved die. He'd never been expecting it at every corner, waiting for it to jump out at him. So he couldn't help, and he was left standing helpless while she drowned in her own despair.

Always the gentleman, he didn't say anything about how awful she looked. "Siha, it is late. You should be sleeping."

Swallowing the lump in her throat and getting up off the floor, she replied darkly, "So should you." Going to the sink, she sipped at the water and washed the taste of vomit from her mouth.

"I will not be going to the Citadel tomorrow. You are going with Miss Zorah and Officer Vakarian, though, and I should think that you will need a proper night's rest." He approached her and, in a gesture of absolute familiarity, tucked a bit of hair behind her ear.

She cast a bloodshot glance at him. "Did you want to go?"

"No."

The word hung in the deafening silence. She braced her hands on either side of the sink and bowed her head, taking a few deep breaths to calm the churning in her stomach. Throwing up in front of Thane would be simply awful, and she vowed not to do it. Having an alien lover really made her feel self-conscious of all the little human things she did.

"If you would prefer I did go..." he trailed off, gesturing aimlessly with one hand.

"It's fine, Thane," she whispered, then cleared her throat. "I'm fine."

"You weigh a hundred and ten pounds now," he stated quietly, eyes taking in the sharpness of her hip bones, the pointy rib cage. "That's ten pounds less than when I met you."

She glared at him. "Are you weighing me in my sleep? Or is this just a guess?"

"It's a fact, Siha," he said gently, taking her hand. She allowed it, the warmth, the pressure. "If you ever slept, I might perhaps ask Dr. Chakwas to take a look at you, but I am an assassin. It's my job to take in details and put them together."

Pulling away, she moved past him and out of the bathroom. "I'm not a contract."

"No, you're more important."

She paused at the top of the stairs, arms going around her shoulders, toes digging into the plush carpet. The model ships glinted softly in the pale aquarium light. Thane had turned the fan off, though the buzz of electricity flavored the room. The comforter lay halfway off the bed, pillows in a disarray. Their clothes were in piles at the foot of the futon. Her shoes were separated, one lost somewhere, the other poking out from beneath a single pillow.

He came up behind her, all stealth and silence. Muscled, warm arms went about her torso, pressing her curving back into his stomach. She closed her eyes, listening softly to the sound of his heart, feeling his breath on her neck. Sometimes she truly envied his memory ability. She knew that no matter how many times she relived it, these moments would leave her eventually. She'd no longer be able to remember what he smelled like, what he tasted like. There were even stories of people forgetting what the dead had looked like. It would all disappear. He would disappear.

"I'm here, Siha. I'm alive," he whispered in her ear, kissing her neck afterward.

"For now," she said more to herself than to him, but of course he heard her. Tears gathered in her eyes again, and she angrily wiped them away. Thane caught her arm and spun her around, holding her against his chest, plump breasts against him, body curved around in a most improper way. But they were alone, and she wanted him to touch her. She needed him.

He was kissing her neck, her chest. She tilted her head back, hand going to her mouth as he leaned her backwards. "I'm not...I'm not an asari, Thane. I'm not used to it. You're going to die, and I can't do anything about it! I'm so used to being able to fix everything. Even the reapers, I know I can stop them. But...I can't stop you from disappearing forever." It all came out in a flurry, tears finally dripping off her cheeks and onto the carpet. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what, Siha?" he asked, eyes dark and sad but understanding. He gently grabbed her hand and pulled it away from her mouth, feeling the bit marks as he held it.

"For not being a stronger person," she mumbled miserably, staring at him. "For making our last couple of months so goddamned awful."

And she broke down. There was no stopping the torrent of emotions anymore. She couldn't keep it bottled up until midnight where she could sneak into the hallway and cry herself hoarse. She buried herself in his arms and slumped to the floor, crying out obscene things and demanding why he had to die, why she had to be punished. He was there to comfort her as he had always been, stroking her hair and kissing away the salty tears that never seemed to stop. He held her until she cried herself to sleep.

When she woke up the next morning he was still breathing.

Thank you for reading. Review please.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of feedback on how 'emo' Shepard is in this. (I hate that word by the way) I know Shepard is supposed to be everyone's immovable rock. I know she's supposed to be strong, and that's exactly why I wrote this. If you've ever watched someone you love die, it's a very traumatic experience. You can never get it out of your head. Keep in mind that Shepard is in love with Thane to the point that she can't deal with it. Could you? No matter how strong you are, losing a part of yourself is losing a part of yourself. It leaves a hole that nothing can fill.