Two doors are all that separates me from the world; two doors, some soft carpets, some white walls…and perhaps an endless ocean of misery.
The tiles are cool against my skin, but my legs and ass are starting to go numb.
I don't move them.
I sit,
With my back against the wall; no one can see me now. No one can hear me. No one will know the shameful thing I've just done.
The light was on, until its glare was too bright for my despair. It's off now;
I can't see my sweet shame.
I can feel it.
My thigh still tingles and burns; the skin feels as though it has been tightly pulled back.
It's nice.
It's relaxing.
It's numbing.
When it becomes too much, where else can I go? I seek that sweet numbness that no one else knows.
I don't submit often, but when I do I pay. My pride, my strength, my happiness is all drained away.
They say you recover, but they couldn't be more wrong. The marks that are left always taunt for one more time.
I say it'll be my last; I day I'll finally tell someone this time.
I won't.
All I can do is bury it inside, hide my shame, and slap on a smile.
It works.
They never know.
I'm good at manipulating them.
I'll take it as far as it has to go.
My chest aches, before I commit my shame. It's too tight, I can't breathe. I want to scream but it's too late.
I shake.
I cry.
I get on my hands and knees and crawl to where I must hide.
My hands fumble and find. I keep it hidden where no one else will ever find.
I clutch it with my fingers; I stare at its shine. A smile tugs at my lips, but it is a smile I must hide.
It is not sane.
No.
It is not right,
That smile that comes when I am about to hide.
I lock the door, and choose my song. It's a special song, specifically for this toll.
It floods my ears; my heart sings along. It makes me feel stronger; now I can commit my shame.
I pull down my pants, I bend my knees. There isn't much room left; scarred skin is all I see.
I'll find a spot,
I always do.
When desperate, I will always win.
I find unmarred skin, I stroke it clean. In my fingers I hold my secret key.
The tears flow, the flood gates open. It let it all out; I let it take me over.
My body shakes from my wretched cries, my stomach clenches, at this point I wish to die.
I want this pain to one day stop.
I know I am asking too much. It's as much a part of me as the sun is to the sky.
I am this broken shell that hides it all too well.
But in this small bathroom, with blue tiles and glass doors, I come undone on the floor.
I take a deep breath, knowing my release will soon come, all I've got to do is lift my fingers, and run it smoothly along.
It touches my skin.
I suck in a breath.
The emptiness will soon follow.
The razor has already won.