A/N: One shot. I needed a break from the happy, loving, everything's perfect Tegan and Sara to write out some feelings. This is the result.
I Love You This Much
Her eyes caught mine across the stage. We were halfway through our set, and she was halfway through Alligator. Those eyes bore holes in my head as she spit her distrust in me over the microphone.
Run around on me,
Sooner die without.
I felt my guilt and shame weigh heavy on my shoulders like it did every time we played this song. I felt my throat bob as I attempted to clear my throat of the overwhelming amount of saliva.
My twin won't take her eyes off me the entire song.
Then, like a barrier, the intensity will break with the last note. The audience will cheer and Sara's scowl will turn into a smile. She'd looked to where my girlfriend –our photographer- once stood during our shows. I'd watch as her smile turned into the sun across her face. The weight would lift.
I'd feel Sara make her home inside my chest again. I would always give her that moment of pure hurt and mistrust during that song. She deserves it for what I've done to her, so long as she comes back to me afterwards; so long as I get to show her that it will never happen again right after the show; so long as I get to show her that only she thinks of Lindsey anymore, and that my mind never stays. I'd have said all these things before, but it would never be as clear and true as it was when I gave myself over to her completely.
I'd let her undress me, slowly, while I expressed all my love in a kiss. I'd let her slide into me and give her a moan only she can produce. I'd let her bring me to the edge and scream her name, squeezing her tightly and accepting her fully into me. Then I'd fall limp on her body and let her hold me during those vulnerable moments. She'd slowly redress me, and I'd kiss her softly, winding my fingers through her hair and whispering how much I love her, all the words falling short of the love we'd just partaken in. She'd give me one last kiss, then we'd pack up the dressing room and head to the bus, where she'd dress in her PJs with me, then get me tucked into our bunk, only to join me a few moments later.
I'd move myself against her body and lift her shirt to expose her breasts to the air. I'd run my tongue across her nipples, and gently blow them up like birthday candles, making them awaken after such a long sleep. My hands would caress every part of her body as I listened to her moan.
Yes Sara, this is how much I love you.
I'd slip my thumbs into the sides of her boxers, and guide them down, inhaling her scent. I'd feel her spread her legs for me, her hand in my hair, pushing me towards the place she wanted me most. I'd run my tongue over it and delight at her taste and the shudder that accompanied it. I'd run my tongue over that swollen, pink, glistening flesh until she was shaking beneath me, her body begging for release. And when it happens, I'd drink from her before kissing up her body, and holding her close.
Yes Sara, this is how much I love you.
I'd hold her close to my body and kiss her face. I'd breath in the way her neck smells, and the way her hand feels on my back. I'd be happy just to be in her arms. I'd be happy just to see her smile again. I'd be happy.
"Earth to Tegan?" I hear her say from across the stage.
I'm snapped out of my daydream. My eyes narrow in on her and I see the scowl.
"Where the fuck did you go? We've still got 4 songs in the fucking set. Motherfucker" Sara spits.
"Sorry, I…I…I…" I stutter, looking out into the crowd.
I look back to where Lindsey usually stands, and she smiles and waves at me. I force myself to fake a smile and wave back, then turn to the audience.
"This next one's called Living Room" I mumble to the audience and launch into it.
We make eye contact, and I see how broken she is. I did this. I broke Sara's heart. I'm breaking Sara's heart and I can't do anything to stop it. The worst part is that I just want her back, I just want her back so badly, but there's no going back. I've finally fucked up beyond fixing. I've lost her.
She's gone.
There will be no feeling her move inside of me. There will be no sharing a bunk. I no longer get to taste her, get to smell her, get to hold her, hear her voice call for me after a bad dream. There will be no more cute texts. There will be no more feeling her arms around me. There will be no more laying my head on her chest. I will no longer be hers.
There will be no more being happy.
She's gone.
Yes, Sara, I love you enough to stay away.