Lavinia wasn't blind; she saw how Matthew would look at Mary ever since she returned to Downton. Dinners were spent trying to ignore the obvious glances at each other, their secret stories sprawled out in front of her like a novel. This was a novel she didn't want to read, one she was desperately fighting to burn but she couldn't find the matches nor had the strength to try anymore. She knew about the hushed tones when her quaint steps would enter a room, her ears settling on the fact that she was second best. Always second best…
It wasn't always like that though; her heart and mind could remember when she had been first. At the pub when their first words were exchanged, she could tell Matthew was broken. Desperately Lavinia tried for so long to be the glue he needed but that was Mary, and it hurt her.
There was a time when the blood pumping from her heart wasn't so jaded, when there was no malice. Watching the scene in front of her eyes come to life though was enough to fuel the calmest battle. Hatred for Matthew burned as well as hurt but Lavinia couldn't find it in her to be angry at her. Mary had been everything she was trying to be, couldn't Matthew see that? The Crawley family had been kind to her, especially the oldest daughter and it was because she still loved Matthew. How she was so blind to never realize that before. Letting go would be easy now, the situation was making her horrible and hating anyone wasn't what she wanted.
"God Mary. I'm so, so sorry." The flu moved slowly over her body as she stood watching her fiancé apologize. Neither of the two knew she could see them, their bodies moving together perfectly in harmony. How perfect they looked together, almost like the couples she adored watching at the picture show. Soft lips finally found each other and Lavinia couldn't take it anymore. It was obvious they could never go back, there would be no more being fools.
Darkness shadowed the pale of her face as she stepped out to make her presence known, a small whimper echoing around the room. Matthew of course was first to see her, his eyes filled with mixed emotions. This wasn't the time to deal with everything, not while half the house was ridden with flu. The walk back to the room she was staying in felt like a lifetime and her feet struggled to move. Everything she wanted to say to Matthew was catching in her throat and tears threatened to spill out.
Lavinia could tell the flu was taking its toll on her now, there was no denying it. The skin along her cheeks felt clammy and her hair was plastered to her forehead. It felt like she was floating as her back rested among the plush pillows nestled along the bed she was using. Perhaps she could take a moment to rest her eyes.
The tears she had been struggling so hard to hold back finally released as she allowed herself to think about the day she first met Matthew. Every small detail was etched in her mind such as the soft blue dress she had worn or how beautiful the day had seemed then. It was uncharacteristically hot in town as she shopped with her cousin Emma. Lavinia had only gone to the pub in London because her cousin begged for ages and she didn't want to argue her off anymore. It felt improper and with so many soldiers wandering around the grounds she felt even more off about being there. "Oh Darling, you mustn't be so caught up in the formalities of it. We may even find our future husbands here." She doubted that but as her cousin finished the sentence and danced off her eyes settled on Matthew in the corner.
Her heart thumped as she took in each detail of his body, the green uniform complementing the deep blue of his eyes. Scotch nestled in his hand as his lips sipped it slowly with a look of satisfaction forming. Was it what her father always drank after dinner? It certainly seemed it. A deep blush moved along the sensitive nook of Lavinia's neck and up to her face as Matthew caught the stare, giving a gentle smile her way. You silly girl, stop making yourself look a fool.
"We should really be going, Emma," her cousin needed to listen for once. Quickly Lavinia grabbed her bag up, both feet scrambling quicker than planned and leading to a thud on the ground. Well what would have been a thud if two strong hands didn't catch her waist. Two blue eyes looked down in wonder and all air in her chest stopped circulating, the mystery man had helped her. "Heavens. Thank you. I would imagine you think me clumsy." Were words really leaving her mouth? "Not clumsy at all, accidents do happen. Do you need to sit and do you feel okay?" His voice was deep but caring; it was unique for someone fighting in a war.
Time passed as they sat and spoke in the pub. Matthew introduced himself as Lavinia looked on shyly, sipping the cool water from her glass occasionally. Studying his face was like cracking up a book as he spoke about his life, the lines around his eyes speaking of tiredness as well as kindness. Before both of them knew it the night air had settled in and candles were placed around. Lavinia was smitten with this man she had just met and couldn't imagine not speaking to him again.
That day felt like a lifetime ago as Lavinia opened her eyes again, the tears rolling down her cheeks slowly. Matthew had asked permission to write her after that day, his letters like presents received on Christmas. She had fallen in love with his words, with his stories of war and a future he wished to have with her. Did he ever write Mary like that? The question had never been asked but she did wonder. Downton was rarely mentioned but maybe he was protecting her from the truth or hiding the truth from himself; the truth being that no matter what his heart would always belong to Mary, no matter what she did to stop it. Lavinia could spend their marriage convincing him to love her more or pretending nothing was there but what kind of life would that be for her?
Another wave of tiredness washed over her weak body like an ocean dragging its prey away from shore. Perhaps she would nap before Matthew decided to arrive, he would no doubt come to check on her and she would need all the strength her body could muster.
There was many things they needed to discuss, she wouldn't let him marry the wrong person.