I didn't intend to write this, but it's amazing what three hours on a bus unable to type on a laptop does for you – so I typed it on my phone instead (for fear of constantly elbowing the person next to me lol that would've been an awkwardly long trip) and emailed it to myself, and then it took a crazy long time to fix it up for some reason. So yeah, here it is – hope you enjoy…
Title: I Can't Wash Your Sins Away
A/N: Title taken - and put in the negative (it's 'can' in the lyrics) - from the song 'You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away' by Cobra Starship
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's an unfortunate blip in my otherwise wonderful life.
Summary: Post-S2 Finale. Neal and Alex have a conversation about the future and who has a choice in the matter.
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"I am not that brave,
Sometimes I need to hear you whisper,
'Everything's ok... You'll be fine
I'll help you find your way...'
And I have nothing but faith in you,
All that I am is what you are and we are,
I would give anything up for you..."
'Brave', Gavin Mikhail
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Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Alex," Neal acknowledges, looking over as she rounds the corner, and she catches the surprise in his tone.
"You were expecting someone else," she notes instantly.
She casts her gaze to the floor, hands behind her back, as she crosses the space between them, purposeful steps counting out the exact distance it takes her to reach him.
"You didn't sign the card," he replies. "I thought maybe Moz had left it or – "
"Or your latest venture into insurance? Sara?" she finishes for him, and then she nods, her lips pursed. "Of course."
"Moved on from origami as your calling card?" he asks, already trying to lighten the mood.
"Apparently it's used by an internationally renowned thief," she remarks. "Who knew?"
He smirks, and waits for her to continue. They've always managed to remain somewhat in tune with one another, despite the years and the distance that have a habit of getting in between.
"It was a play at diverting suspicion," she informs him then, fitting him with a look.
"Sometimes these things are just necessary, huh?" he returns.
She shrugs. "I guess it worked."
"I thought you were leaving town again," he comments then. "You told me to take care of myself, gave me a goodbye kiss and everything."
She rolls her eyes, shaking her head at him, smiling. "What can I say? Something caught my attention, I thought I'd stick around for a little while longer."
"Why?" he questions after a moment.
"Why what? Why me? Or why you?" she returns in an instant, knowing exactly what he's referring to, cocking her head to the side to survey him.
"Both," he tells her, jutting out his chin a fraction.
She looks off to the side and inhales.
"Because I told you once that I was giving up my obsession," she says, and then turns back to face him, "and I don't like to go back on my own decisions."
"That's it?" he inquires, suspicion evident.
"Well, as for why I gifted you with the single biggest art recovery in history – it's simple," she replies all too-easily. "I knew you'd appreciate it."
He clears his throat. "Not that I don't appreciate it, Alex, because I really really do, but I doubt I'd be alone in saying that."
She shrugs, unperturbed.
"And this wasn't just any discovery," he continues, because he's clearly not buying it, "this was the accumulation of your life's work – your legacy. I can't believe you'd just give that up without wanting something in return."
"You think so little of me, Caffrey," she observes and shakes her head sadly at his skepticism for her motives.
When he opens his mouth to protest she waves him off.
"Save it, Neal," she tells him; her tone lacks hurt or anger, she's taken it simply as fact.
He stays silent, his eyes honing in on her form.
"You're the honest one – well, as honest as a conman can be – but you have a good heart," she says, and she smiles. "Ultimately, you love the art too much to allow it to end up in the hands of those who won't cherish it in the same manner you do."
"You mean you gave it to me so I would play errand boy for you and deliver each piece to its ultimate place of rest?" he lifts an eyebrow as he poses the question, eyes on her unfaltering smile.
"I trust you'll take care of the treasure of my destiny," she rephrases for him, and then accompanies her proposition with a half-hearted shrug, "and if we happen to make a tidy fortune dealing reproductions at one point or another, then so be it."
He laughs, shaking his head at her. "Always comes down to business with you."
"I'm being realistic," she responds instead. "I'm offering you the chance to be a part of something you could only have ever dreamed of."
He nods; seemingly taking it all in, though she can tell he knows there's more to it. She's always known him to be intuitive.
"This kind of discovery, it demands appreciation, respect," she says. "My grandfather couldn't stand the thought of all that treasure lying out there undiscovered, and if he'd ever found it for himself, he'd have showcased it to the world. So call me sentimental, but I thought gifting it to you would wrap this whole adventure up in a neat little bow."
She doesn't sigh, she inhales; she'll need the extra oxygen to get through what she's going to say next.
"I can't give you an honest life, Neal, if that's what you want – I like what I do too much," she tells him frankly, and then a knowing smile passes over her lips, as she adds, "and I think you do too."
"So, this really is about the affairs of the heart," he surmises, as he continues to watch her closely.
So, maybe she realized she could've fought a little harder for him, and maybe she realized all she needed to do that was what was always meant to be hers to discover.
She ignores him and continues on from her previous point with the simple declaration, "But I can give you the best this life has to offer."
She lifts one of her shoulders in a loose attempt at a shrug as she stares into his eyes.
"What you do with it is your choice," she says; with the only recognition of his attempt at derailing her, the smile on her face that falls a touch while she remains on track. "This is my play, so don't say I never did anything for you."
She leans in and kisses him then; no hesitation, no dismissal, he's kissing her back just as readily.
It's intense, this heated embrace they're engaged in, as has always been their way. They're all consuming and it shows: he still has the ability to draw her in, leave her wanting more; even if she is usually the one to walk away.
She is the first to pull away, case in point, and he detangles his hands from her hair; their mingling breaths coming in short bursts that hitch with the rise of their matching smiles.
"It's your choice, Neal," she reiterates, relaying the confidence she has in his character as the reason she has bestowed this opportunity on him. "If it's enough, you'll know."
At that, she pivots around and steps away from him towards the exit.
"Alex," he calls out and she turns back to him. "What if I tell Peter or – "
She hears the words hang in the air, what he can't say, what he won't say: if I can't go through with it, is this the end – is this goodbye?
She smiles at him, baring her teeth, and reassures him, "There's plenty of treasure still out there, Neal."
"But none quite like this one," he responds quietly, and then lifts his head higher to point out, "None that are as important to you."
For her part, she remains silent. This is true, but if it's what he wants – she'd do this for him – she'd walk away, let him do the same.
She loved her grandfather, cannot quite put into words what it means to have actually accomplished what he'd been telling her about all those years, but she values the living more than the dead, and Neal, Neal is alive and she – well, she values him more when he's in her life than when he's not.
"Why, Alex?" he implores, and she knows what he's asking, and because she's in a particularly giving mood, she complies with his request.
"It's always been a competition for you, Caffrey," she tells him honestly, "and I've never really had you. So, when the opportunity arose – "
"This is you putting your best foot forward," he concludes, interrupting her.
She laughs and shakes her head at her own actions, at his. "I figured if you flat out refused it you were lost for good."
"But you knew I wouldn't," he responds. "You said 'you'll thank me' – in the note, you said I'd be grateful to you for doing this."
"Well, aren't you?" she returns, lifting her eyebrows as she releases a laugh of disbelief.
He tilts his head to the side and fits her with a look. "Alex," he says, unaffected by her cavalier tone.
"I know you, Neal," she tells him with a smile that stretches high on her cheeks. "But I've also seen the influence Peter's had on you, and his wife and June and the FBI, believe it or not. I wanted to give you that choice."
He nods, apparently processing this.
"I might know where you come from, but it's up to you to decide where you're going. Cliché or otherwise," she says and then she shrugs, gesturing to the contents of the storage locker that surrounds them. "Your move, Caffrey."
"You're making your destiny mine," he replies after a moment, and then his tongue pokes out between his teeth as he grins at her. "Trying to make sure we're always connected, Alex?"
"We'll always be connected, Neal," she assures him cockily, returning his wide smile. "You miss me too much when I'm not around."
He releases a light chuckle at this, and then shakes his head, looking down at his feet with a wry smile.
When he meets her eyes again, his expression has sobered and his tone reflects it, "You know, Peter told me I'd have to decide – that I couldn't be a con and a man."
It's her turn to try and alleviate the pressure of whatever lies between them. "Oh I remember you being plenty 'man' when you were one of ours," she assures him with a wink.
He grins and nods, as if in acknowledgement of her efforts, though pointedly doesn't seem to pick up on what she was actually inferring, before the mischief is subdued once more. "Maybe he was right."
"Maybe he was," Alex agrees.
That catches his attention. Naturally.
"Then again," she continues, because this is more her style and he knows it. "You're Neal Caffrey; even working for the FBI you make your own rules."
He smirks, and holds out his hands, palms up. "What can I say? I'm just not cut out to be a lawman."
"Doesn't stop you from enjoying the perks the badge has to offer though does it?" she remarks with a wide smile as she points the finger at him.
He laughs, throwing out his arms to the side this time as he comments offhandedly, "So I'm crooked, so wh- "
He stops short when the implications of what he's just said seem to hit him.
"Once a con, always a con, right?" he says then, and there's a hard edge to his gaze, a bitter undertone that rattles against the cage that encases her heart. "I'll get started on our first piece this week, though we might have to wait a short while before you move to sell it – "
"Neal," she addresses him loudly, moving towards him.
"I'm thinking we could start with some statues, maybe some of those jewels over there. Peter will expect me to go for the paintings first so we should stay clear of those for the moment," he continues, ignoring her appeal for his attention.
"Neal!" she shouts, standing in front of him and slapping her palms on his chest to get him to stop in his tracks.
When his eyes finally settle on hers, it's unsettling how shocked he looks, how unaware he seems of the transition he's just gone through.
She cups the sides of his face and waits until he stops shivering under her touch, desperately blue eyes that swirl with a past unmentioned shining brightly back at her.
"Choice, Caffrey," she repeats, her gaze never wavering. "It's yours to make, it's your destiny. Yours."
Slowly he nods, and she moves her hands from his face to pull him close; needing to feel him against her, to make sure he's still with her.
"Thank you," he murmurs, hoarse and raw, breath impossibly hot against her skin as he presses a kiss against her shoulder.
She holds him tight; tries not to think of the metamorphosis she just witnessed, how she triggered it, how she lost him there, if only for a moment. Tries not to think of how utterly terrifying it was.
So, because they know one another, certain attributes remaining in sync even now; she gives him her word, almost teasingly, "Don't worry, Caffrey, I'll find a way to be part of that destiny, one way or another."
She feels him release a laugh in the mold he's carved against her, and when she pulls away to meet his eyes, she masks her sigh of relief in a laugh of her own.
He grins toothily at her and she smiles, he inclines his head towards her and she knows he understands.
An unspoken promise, a bond that would continue despite it all; she didn't say it, but he heard it.
We'll find something you can live with, together.
She's never claimed to be able to save his soul; she couldn't be his redemption even if he went searching.
All she knows is that he once told her that he'd never let anything happen to her, and she believed him.
So, she's entrusting him with her future as well as his own; she knows he'll make the right choice.
He's Neal Caffrey.
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"And when man faces destiny, destiny ends and man comes into his own."
Andre Malraux
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The End.
A/N: I'm actually not sure Alex did leave the card – don't get me wrong, I'd love for it to have been her, in many ways, but I think it was poss. Sara. Especially after the whole 'don't try and change him' speech Elizabeth gave her, like it was Sara's way of saying she knows who he is or something. The printed card gets me, hmm maybe it was Keller – I'd actually love that, though I can't see him just giving Neal the biggest haul instead of taking it himself lol… but anyway, if this was even remotely similar to a tiny morsel of what's going to happen, I'll be happy haha
Not sure on the ending, and by 'right choice' I mean in terms of the treasure and Alex – which may or may not be one and the same.
Thanks so much for reading, please let me know what you think – it really means a lot!
Steph
xxx