Hi. Here's a little one-shot that came to me a few days ago. Oh, I hope it makes you giggle! I mean, I don't have any experience with Uhura's purchases (I can't swallow pills and the other thing just doesn't...work for me), but it's good! At least, I really wanted it to. And of course, Kirk makes an appeareance; I mean, how can a person write a Star Trek FF about female bitchiness and not involve Kirk? Heeeellooo!

I own none of these characters, just the plotline.

Highly Illogical Purchase

"Nyota, a package was just delivered to the Bridge for you. Since you have the day off and it's my break time, I took on the responsibility of bringing it to you."

Uhura sat up. She'd been in bed all day, and hadn't bothered to get dressed. Her hair was still pulled back though, only she had swirled her long ponytail into a bun. She pulled her hand away from her stomach and tried a small grin. "Hey there."

He made sure the door closed, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Holding onto the package, he said, "You look better."

"I still feel--" She fell, her head collapsing onto her pillow "--ugh. That's how I feel." She sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "Where's it from?"

Spock looked down at the package. He rolled it in his hands, searching for a label. "An Earth product, some company, not from home." Uhura reached out a hand to take it, but he shook his head. "If you have no objections, I'll save your already weakened energy and open it for you. Do you mind?"

"I think you'll mind more once you open it," she mumbled.

"What was that?" he asked, already fiddling with the tape. She shook her head, turning away. Spock looked at her, but finding nothing out of the ordinary, he opened the package. As he did, his expression remained neutral, but to Uhura, he was freaking out. Well, freaking out as much as a Vulcan could. Slowly, he pulled out the package's contents. There was a box inside the box, as well as a bottle of pills. Uhura felt herself grinning, but stopped herself from letting it show.

"Anti-PMS medication and," his voice gave a Vulcan cringe, "tampons."

"You wanted to open it." Uhura gave a shrug.

Spock surveyed what he was holding in both hands. As he looked at the bottle, he then told, "Nyota, this is a highly illogical purchase."

She looked at him, not sure whether to crack up laughing, or sigh. Instead, she did neither, and chose to give him a most curious expression. "What?"

"I understand that you would be lead to think that you would need such a medication, but on the contrary, you are simple a strong-willed woman. You cannot put your determined and independent nature on premenstrual syndrome." She closed her eyes, not sure what to say. Granted, if Spock had something to say, he didn't need encouraging. "And I see you have elected to buy the super plus absorbency tampons. Now, based on your height and weight, both of which I just mentally calculated, I can, with the accumulated facts, say that the most you would need would be super, even on your heavier days."

"Spock."

But he was just getting started.

"You, of course, know your body, but I know the scientific section of the matter. And as it clearly states on the box, you shouldn't go over your needed absorbency rate, it could be quite deadly. Now, the pills, like I have already noted, this is simply illogical and irrational. Our Captain might think otherwise, but one can find the lovely qualities that you have in your independence. I like these said qualities." He paused, noticing that she was no longer looking at him. "Nyota, are you even listening?"

"Yes." But her voice was flat, and she was starting to squirm. Out of nowhere, she reached for the pills, but Spock was quicker; he drew his hand back, pulling the bottle from her reach.

"Give!"

"No, you're not listening. Calm down." She did, but not before crossing her arms and pursing her lips. "Now, if you would take the time not to be stubborn, you would understand my points. You've spent your money in a highly illogical way. Granted, I've never understood the frivolities of human spending, but--"

Suddenly there was a beep. Uhura sat up all the way, leaned over Spock, and turned on the computer. There, she saw Kirk's face. Inwardly, she groaned. Greeeat. "Uhura to Bridge," she greeted.

"Kirk to Uhura." He looked around. "Ah, Spock, I knew I'd find you there."

"I told you I was coming here."

"Yeah, anyway." He turned back to the Xenolenguistics intellect. "I know it's your day off, but will you come over? What's his face, the guy who helps you, is doing fine, but he doesn't really understand Klingon. Isn't that supposed to be basic?"

Mentally, Uhura sighed. She usually would have agreed with only minor complaints, but now, cramps raging from the bottom of her ribcage to the top of her kneecap, she didn't feel like getting out a bed, let alone getting dressed and going to the Bridge. She huffed.

"Captain, unfortunately Uhura does not feel herself right at the moment." While he spoke, Uhura again attempted to snatch the bottle, but again, failed. "I could come and help, though, if you would be willing to give me five minutes."

Kirk, in his ADD nature, was now focused on Spock hand. "What's that?" Squinting, he looked closer at the screen. When he was able to read the label, a grin broke out on his face. He started to laugh. "Wait, wait, wait! Spock did you buy that for her--did you buy her Anti-PMS medicine? See, if I was to do that, oh, I don't want to think of the consequences!"

"Shut up!"

"Nyota, please."

"Wait, I never understood, why can't I call you Nyota? That shows favoritism, doesn't it? I mean--"

"Close your mouth!"

"Close your mouth, Captain." Kirk continued laughing, rolling in the humor of his own joke. "Oh, this is priceless, you know, I always knew about your PMS problem, except it's all the time! Maybe the pills will help, at least, I pray they do."

"Is there something else you wanted?" Uhura growled. When her captain didn't respond, it was then that she blew a gasket. "James Tiberius, I am going to kill you! Forgot damn Starfleet regulation, I am going to kill you and feel no remorse about it!" Spock opened his mouth, but she wasn't in the mood to hear even that. Throwing off the blankets, she did her best to stand and went to the computer. "You know, ever since I met you in that damn bar, you've been, and always will be, a dumb hick who sleep with farm animals! You're insufferable, you--"

"Nyota."

"What?" Fire in her eyes, she turned to look at Spock. When she did, she found him standing square before her. He reached out for her hand. He placed something in it, then drew away. In confusion, she watched him go.

"I may have spoken too soon."

With that, he left, rather hastily, one might add. Uhura looked down at what she was holding: the bottle of pills. She rolled her eyes, clicked off the computer, and collapsed back onto her bed. After opening the bottle, she popped two pills in her mouth and swallowed.

Hmm, so much for her purchase being "illogical."

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