This kind of a short piece but I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out, so reviews are cool? It's kind of sort of a in depth thing about who Santana is with Sebtana throw in.
She's always been kind of an angry person.
Even before Brittany, even before she started to think of girls in the way she thought of boys - thinking about how it would feel to be with a girl in the ways she'd been with boys, thinking about how a girl's lips would feel on her own.
No matter how young she was she had the instinctive fear that if she were to love a girl the way she was supposed to love a boy it just would not be okay. She was the different, wrong for thinking about it so she stopped.
Repressing her feels for girls made her even angrier, but she'd always been pissed off at the world.
She'd always been furious about living in Lima and feeling like she was stuck there forever, like she was trapped in a cage. She'd always hated how her brother was so obviously the favorite child, she'd always hated how she wasn't good enough at anything.
When she was really little she used to get so angry and frustrated she would bury her face in her pillow and scream herself hoarse.
And as she got older she just gets angrier and angrier.
All she feels most of the time in anger because it's better then feeling empty, feeling nothing.
Everything and everyone made her angry. All the sneering jocks made her angry, reminding her she was stuck here, in Lima. All her teachers made her angry because they wanted her to care but she just couldn't make herself. Even the people she cared the most about made her mad. Rachel made her angry because if anyone would escape Lima in would be Rachel Berry and not her. Quinn made her angry because she was always better than her at everything and she hated it. Brittany, who she kept reminding herself she loved so much, even made her mad because loving Brittany made her different and not loving Brittany made her a bad person.
And Sebastian, he makes her angry, too.
He makes her angry because she likes the way his lips taste on hers, the way he makes her heart races, and the way she feels like she's more alive than she's ever been.
Sebastian makes her angry because he makes her second guess herself. He makes her rethink everything she's finally, finally, finally decided. About how she likes girl, not boys. But somehow she keeps ending up in his bed, with in his arms.
He makes her so angry... But in a new different, way. Like a slow burning in the pit of her stomach, that should feel like anger and fury but it feels slightly off, a little different.
And sometimes while she's in his bed, all tangled up with him, she buries her head in his pillow and screams just like she did when she was little. Except now Sebastian holds her until she's done screaming, but he never asks why she was.
"Do you hate it here?" She asks, as she sitting on the counter of his kitchen, wearing his white button down shirt from his Dalton uniform. She's cradling a coffee mug and her eyes are harder than usual, "Do you hate it here in Lima?"
"Don't we all?" He says a little bitterly, staring her down, his eyes bright and sharp and beautiful.
"No, I mean it. Do you ever hate it here so much you get angry and.. and you just want to scream and scream?"
"Sometimes..." Sebastian says quietly, running his fingers through his hair.
"I mean... What's the point? The point of all of this? We grow up, maybe we leave Lima and try to make ourselves matter, but we'll just end up being a failure. So we grow up and stay in Lima and get married to someone you slowly begin to hate and then you die!"
She's one her feet now, waving her arms, her eyes angry and wild and sad.
He grabs her hands and pulls her closer until she calms down, her forehead resting on his chest and angry tears leaking out of her eyes.
"The point is I love you, Santana."
He kisses her, and all of the sudden she isn't quite as angry.