disclaimer:
I do not own the rights to the characters used or to the song lyrics used. This fanfic is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe on the rights of anyone, either the people who own the songs or lyrics used or the owners of the characters depicted in this story.
Prologue
Sometimes, she could swear the image is painted on the backs of her eyelids. But not just the darkness of the room, the look of his blank face looming above her. No, when she closed her eyes, sometimes she could see her fear. The painful tightness under his hands, the burning in her lungs, all of it was visible. She thought of Meredith in the aftermath of the ferry boat accident, falling into the water and slowly sinking, drawing water instead of air into her lungs. Her lungs must have burned. Sometimes, Cristina's lungs still burned. Sometimes she woke up, shaking and gasping for air. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom. Sometimes, she still cried.
Just seeing him re-created the feeling, only it was less about her lungs and more about the physical ache in her chest. She loved him and she missed him, and more than anything she wanted to help him through this. And he very kindly, very politley, refused to allow her near him. Refused to be alone with her. Refused to "put her in that position".
She assumed it was because she broke up with him. They had made love, finally made love, and afterwards, it was over. In his arms, she realized she couldn't relax. And so it had disappeared for a moment, the ache to be with him. Because so much of the reason she wanted to be with him was because something about him allowed her to relax. Something about the way he looked at her convinced her that she wouldn't ever have to be anything but Cristina Yang, and he would love her anyway. He didn't have to say it, not in so many words. But she knew it. She knew it in the way she knew that the aftermath of their nightmare created something altogether different. Something she couldn't label yet. Because it wasn't a nightmare, but it wasn't a dream come true. It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, and it wasn't the best thing that could have happened. It was just what happened after.
And she was so sure of this that she didn't pace, or clean, or or read, or do anything to pass the three minutes as she sat on the closed toilet lid, and waited for her life to change. Because this time, when she locked herself in the bathroom she wasn't escaping anything. She wasn't moving away from anyone. She was just confirming the inevitable. And she was so sure, that she'd only bought one test. A glance at her watch told her it was time, and she stood.
A plus sign sealed her fate. She let out the breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and slid the test back into its box before wrapping it in the plastic bag from the convenience store. She put the bag back into her oversized shoulder tote, because as comfortable as she had become with Callie, she wan't the first person Cristina would tell.
As she opened the bathroom door and finished moving about the apartment, getting ready for work, she surprised herself with how easy it was to breathe.