THE GREATEST SHOW UNEARTHED
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fanwork. All works of fiction referenced belong to their respective owners.
In an effort to promote Interfaith Fellowship and Transnational Peace
Your proud patrons, Her Royal Majesty and His Holiness of Rome, are pleased to present…
A Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millennium Co-production
A magical, musical reimagining of the classic tale of colliding worlds by George Bernard Shaw!
We give you…
The Post-Modern Pygmalion or My Fair Vampire
Humbly, we submit our esteemed players:
Professor Henry Higgins ….. Nosferatu Alucard
"How appropriate to cast me as a cunning linguist."
Colonel Pickering ….. Captain Pip Bernadette
"Oi! Zat's my line."
Eliza Doolittle ….. Miss Seras Victoria
"Ass-grabbing is not part of this choreography, and you bloody well know it, Bernadette."
Alfred Doolittle ….. Paladin Alexander Anderson
"If'n God disnae punish Enrico fer this, AH will."
Mrs. Higgins ….. Sir Integral Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing
"If anachronisms are good enough for Shakespeare, they're good enough or me. I'm bringing my gun onstage."
Freddie Eynsford-Hill ….. Luke Valentine
"Can't act. Higgins will eat me."
Mrs. Eynsford-Hill ….. Dok
"I vas just following direction!"
Nepommuck the Hungarian ….. Mr. Walter C. Dornez
"Art imitates life, imitates unlife, imitates death. I think."
Various Cockneys and Social Elites ….. Various Catholics and Undead Nazis
"The fuck? We don't get separate fuckin' billing? The limp-dicked cooze muncher who wrote this crap assed program can suck my balls while I skull-fuck his mom."
"Shut it, filth. Before Yumie's glasses 'fall off'."
"Yeah."
"…fuckyouguys."
All audience members must sign the release waiver before entering the theatre.
We are not responsible for any blood loss, stabbings, gunshot wounds, missing limbs, eviscerations, decapitations, pants wettings, bowel voiding, vampirism, blunt force trauma, heart attacks, forced religious conversions, post traumatic stress disorder, or property damage incurred during, after, or within a thirty kilometer radius of the show.
There will be a fifteen minute intermission between acts
Refreshments are available from the catboy in the lobby