A/N. Inspired by "Noah", 22nd track on Terra e Original Soundtrack by Yasuharu Takanashi.

I still don't really get the idea of Members Elite in relation to National Knights and vice versa, so please forgive me all inaccuracies on that matter. Still, it was much easier to use English than Polish translations of the official names, ranks etc.; after all, the Polish fandom of "Terra e" is rather non-existent...

Oreta awai tsubasa
Kimi wa sukoshi
Aosugiru sora ni tsukareta dake sa
Mou dareka no tame ja nakute
Jibun no tame ni waratte ii yo

Broken, pale wings
you're just a little tired
of the sky which is too blue
Instead for someone else
Just smile for yourself

- "Alones", Aqua Timez

A great banquet in honour of Senior Colonel Keith Anyan, the National Knights Supreme Commander and just appointed Elder Statesman of Parthenon.

Of course, Keith didn't bother and couldn't have even considered coming here. Quite distracted, Matsuka realized again there were so many things they saw eye to eye on... Well, he couldn't say he didn't understand the feelings the cream of society of Noah had on this matter; after all, it was not every day that the leader of humanity, fanatically admired by everyone, paid them a visit. On the other hand, he couldn't resist the impression that it was all so farcical and shallow. Trinkets, fashion and flattery. Behind those jovial smiles of the gentlemen and the ladies were hidden intrigue and constant concern of self-interest. It was possible that some of them wished that Keith go to hell, or even were behind those assassination attempts.

He couldn't sympathize with them, not at all.

Still, he had come here because it beseemed him. He felt like sneering at himself. It seemed that several years spent somewhere else hadn't taught him not to do as "beseemed him", after all. Just like he couldn't get rid of those strange powers - he equally cursed and blessed - he couldn't divest himself of that skill to act in local society, acquired in childhood and adolescence. Correctibility, politeness, parlance... It had been frighteningly easy to slip into his old self. He really wished he had forgotten and changed - but, apparently, few years wasn't enough.

Compared to this, the military service was a paradise.

Keith hadn't come; he hadn't arrived on Noah to party. Then, Members Elite from National Knights had showed up to the last man - substituting for him, perhaps - as well as the high command of the fleet; common soldiers weren't invited, of course. Matsuka saw sparkling eyes of the guest everywhere; a chance to meet with people whose faces - or, at least, uniforms - were well known in the whole galaxy didn't happen that often. They would talk about it for months in their social circles. A number of girls accompanying their parents must have hoped for interest of the officers. National Knights kept their cool, but every now and then some decided to dance with a dazzling beauty. After all, was it so hard to understand they wanted to relax before the upcoming battle...?

Still, Matsuka couldn't resist the impression something had to be very wrong with this world if people here could have fun as if they didn't know others were dying up there - not so far from here - in the war.

Servants, in their best uniforms, were going out of their way to provide refreshment. Guests were discussing important matters in small groups. Laughter could be heard everywhere. In fact, National Knights must have sympathized with Keith and share his view on those people, as well as look down on them - they were arrogant enough, all right - and maybe it was the greatest entertainment here. Local aristocracy, confident they were the centre of the Universe, might have believed they were fortunate; however, they had no idea they were just a laugh for the military elite.

How degrading it all was.

He moved away from the wall, heading for the table to pour himself some punch. Manoeuvring amidst the guests, he realized he really wasn't forced to work his way through the crowd - people were giving way to him. Well, it made sense; Keith had long since ordered Matsuka to stay close to him, so people had enough time to see Matsuka, too, as much as they could wish for it during TV transmissions. To be frank, he didn't believe he had been recognized...

"Jonah? Look, Papa, it's Jonah!"

And so his luck ended. I should have dressed up, he thought with gallows humour, driving away involuntary and completely nonsensical thought about the look Keith would have gave him if Matsuka had tried something like this. Really, he had some problems with concentration today.

"Jonah!"

Slowly, he turned around when the little hand slipped under his arm, looking at its owner, suddenly perplexed. And resigned. And ashamed. And wanting to be somewhere else, far from here - or merely upstairs, in his room next to Keith's quarters.

Dark hair done in fashionable curls, brown eyes, bright on their own, beaming oval face... She didn't even reach to his shoulder. He tried to smile... "Cordelia. What a surprise..."

"It's my line! I almost didn't recognize you! What are you doing here? Why haven't you informed us? My, what am I saying? Papa is here, too! Papa!"

He looked aside only to see approaching - pushing through the crowd - Ioan Pinea. He must have put on weight even more, Matsuka thought, distracted, regarding the man who, according to all laws of the universe, was his father. Steel-grey hair, brushed back. Cold blue eyes. Flushed, unappealing face. Father seemed to haven't changed at all.

He stopped and inspected Matsuka critically. "Jonah? What are you doing here?" he repeated his daughter's question, obvious disbelief in his voice. Then he looked down and turned pale. "You... This uniform..." he stuttered. "National Knights? You are... Members Elite in National Knights?"

Matsuka nodded and briefly wondered about his feelings. Triumph? Disappointment? Embarrassment? Surely not pain, for he had freed himself from it long ago.

"My... son is Members Elite," father repeated quietly, as if he was speaking to himself. For a moment, it seemed he was about to beam with pride and pat his son on the shoulder, but Matsuka knew him well enough. "But... how is that even possible?" he asked with frankness that in someone else Matsuka would perhaps find disarming.

Say it, some voice urged him. Tell him that, here and now. He was struggling - but was there such a need, after all?

"I am Supreme Colonel Keith Anyan's adjutant," he said for the first, and maybe the last, time in his life. On his part, he didn't need such declarations; he didn't find them necessary. He knew himself what it really meant to him, surely something else than to others.

Still, he felt peculiar satisfaction at the sight of his father, who had obviously turned speechless.

Cordelia clapped her hands. "Keith Anyan!" she exclaimed. "Is he really so awesome?" she added in a lower voice, and Matsuka wondered whether he was a right person to answer that question, especially that he didn't know what Cordelia actually meant. "He looks scary, but he is very attractive, don't you think?"

He straighten up, as much as he could, and tried to give her a stern look, but failed. He could never be angry with her, and now her enthusiasm nearly made him laugh, in spite of anything. Besides... she had some point.

"Maybe you could introduce me?" she asked, winking at him, and he couldn't say whether she was serious. "Unless he already has a girlfriend..." she added in rather disappointed tone, while Matsuka thought he had long since heard something equally absurd. Even if he thought for many years, he wasn't sure he could imagine Keith with a woman.

"What an idle talk is it, girl?" father regained his ability to speak, apparently displeased with the fact he had been ignored, although he didn't seem angry either. Matsuka reflected neither of them could really be angry at Cordelia - and the realization they had something in common evoked rather ambiguous feelings.

"I must tell about it at once!" Cordelia called out, turning in the spot so that her yellow dress whirled. "Oh, you're here, Mirén! You will never believe me! Do you remember my brother? He's serving under Keith Anyan!" They were approached by a beauty with short dark hair and violet eyes. Cordelia was already turning from her. "Jonah! You do remember Mirén Ameis, don't you?"

To tell the truth, he didn't. He had forgotten his life on Noah as much as he could – and without help of any computer. He had fled to the end of the galaxy as soon as the occasion had occurred. Nothing had held him here, and no-one had stopped him. The girl was looking at him closely. "Of course," he replied, aware of his decay, and took her hand.

"Oh, they are about to play a waltz!" Cordelia clasped, as was her habit. "So, you will dance, and I..." She fell silent, clearly dejected. She was absolutely charming with her natural innocence of a fifteen years old lady.

Matsuka looked around and caught Serge's gaze; the officer must have been observing them for a while. Taking a risk, he called him mentally. It must have worked, for Serge approached them without hesitation.

"Cordelia, let me introduce to you Serge Starjon, Keith Anyan's second-in-command in National Knights." He noticed the intent look Serge gave him at that presentation. "Serge, meet Cordelia Pinea, my younger sister."

"I am pleased to meet you," Serge said, taking her hand. Cordelia blushed.

The waltz was to be heard.

"Let us dance, then," Matsuka proposed, wondering at how easily it came to him to direct that show. His feeling were rather mixed.

Serge slightly bowed before Cordelia, while she blushed even more and then nodded. Matsuka guided Mirén on the dance floor. Father had been ignored again.

Dancing in wide circles along with other pair, Matsuka tried to chase away his imagined headache. Now, having a few minutes only to himself, he couldn't really collect his thoughts. He hadn't expected, really... He hadn't expected he would meet father and Cordelia here. Maybe he had been naive, appearing on Noah and pretending to be here for the first time - pretending before himself...

On the other hand, he realized he wasn't really shocked. Now he could feel that what he had hoped for during last months could be real: that he had left his old life behind. He could think about it with no regret. And what he had gained in exchange for it was incomparably greater than what he had lost. What he had discarded.

He'd met his father and could see him almost as a stranger. He didn't even feel hatred. Oh, he had never really felt hatred toward him. He had been proved his worthlessness often enough to believe someone like him had no right to hate. He had run away, first to the Military School in another system, and then to the ends of the galaxy, trying to build his own universe. Now, somewhat astonished, he discovered he might have succeeded.

Nevertheless, he was embarrassed, a bit, at the fact he had left his family behind so easily - and he had no excuse others could use: that after their Adult Examination they had lost their memories. Noah, the first colony of humans after having left the Earth, had gained the status of the galactic capital, and local aristocracy had got its own rights and privileges. First, if citizen could afford it, they weren't bounded by the limit of having only one child. Matsuka didn't doubt the parents could get a child "on request": genetically perfected. Second, Noah's lords, in general, didn't give a damn about some protecting humanity from itself - or what was the idea of Supreme Domination; they even pooped out on the idea of raising their child to "good citizens" and instead wanted the heirs of their family wealth. Adult Examination was nothing more than a formality, it could be even evaded, and definitely didn't involve any memory deletion, which would bring about the risk of offspring leaving their ancestral home.

Whenever he didn't think of Cordelia, Matsuka was sure he would rather have been born anywhere else and have not such rights. He would have had a chance for a normal life – given that someone like him could have a normal life... He was aware it was a cowardice on his part, but he couldn't help it. Besides... it was a thing of the past already. And then… He couldn't stop the thought evading his mind, a one that aroused rather ambiguous feelings: had it been not for that particular past, he would have never ended in the space borders, in Soleid System and in Commander Murdoch's fleet, and he would have never... met... He drove away those thoughts since they didn't ease his headache, but evoked rather strange reaction of his heart.

He supposed his disappearance from Noah had made no difference; father could direct all his attention to Cordelia after his son hadn't fulfilled his expectations. During his education, Matsuka had been still in mail contact with Cordelia, but after having joined the military service he'd let her slip from his life, too. He wasn't proud of it. As for his father... He couldn't feel any attachment to the man who had never been content with him, who had never been interested in him, and who he had never heard a single good word from - which he had wished for... until he had stopped wishing. Until he had decided he wouldn't see himself through others' expectations or disappointments. It was all he had: his own choices. He had learned to smile for himself.

"You do not seem very happy with meeting your family."

He twitched, breaking out of his reverie. He focused his eyes and saw Mirén's violet eyes. She was watching him closely and smiled slightly. At first sight, he had thought she was just a daughter of the high society, but now he started to think he might have been mistaken.

"I am happy with meeting Cordelia," he replied.

"Ah," she said, and there was more understanding in this low cry he could have ever expected from her.

She was rather tall and slender. The shining purple dress was leaving her shoulders and arms uncovered. He wondered when he had seen her for the last time...

"You are still as polite as you used to be." He looked her in the eyes. "Oh, don't feel guilty; my memories of you are very hazy, too," she confessed. "I must have been eleven, at most," she added as if answering his question. "And you must have had your reasons."

He kept looking into her eyes. "I tried to find such a life that my happiness wouldn't depend on others' smile," he finally said, slightly amazed at the fact he could so openly speak with a stranger.

"And… Have you succeeded?" she asked, her voice melancholic.

The waltz ended, and they stopped. Mirén took her hand back, and he nodded. They moved aside, joining Cordelia and Serge. Cordelia was beaming. Good job, Serge, he thought only to himself.

"Jonah, you should have said you have such a charming sister," Serge started, still holding Cordelia's hand. "And on Noah, on top of it. Here, in the centre of the universe," he added with some reprimand.

"I haven't been at home for over five years. I suppose my family might have disown me..."

"Jonah!"

He turned around to see once more his father pushing through the crowd in the rich attire and heading towards him. This time he was accompanied by another aristocrat. And, unbelievable, father was smiling.

"Jonah, my son. It's Marte Brett Harroll. He wished to meet you."

A slim man nervously rubbed his hands and then stretched one of them to Matsuka. His grip was surprisingly strong.

"My son, Jonah Pi-"

"Jonah Matsuka."

"I'm so pleased to meet you. I couldn't expect... you are Ioan's son. I saw... of course... in television. It's an honour," the man was faltering.

"Is Jonah really so famous?" a dramatic whisper came from Cordelia.

"Haven't you seen him on TV?" Mirén answered in similar tone, winking at Matsuka.

A stifled sound, something between chuckle and choking, came from Serge, but the officer's face remained impassive, as befitted Members Elite.

"So... yes..." Harrol seemed to get confused even more. "I... well..."

"Marte, wine," Ioan Pinea, red in the face, suggested.

"Oh, right..." The man turned back and waved at the servant who approached them, a bottle of wine in his hands. "From my vineyard... Noah's best," he stuttered. "For Elder Statesman Keith Anyan."

No-one moved a muscle or said a word, which apparently disconcerted the man completely. After a while, he held the bottle out to Matsuka. "Please," he added in a squeaking voice.

Matsuka took the bottle, his feelings very mixed. Harrol seemed to sink with relief.

"Jonah, will you tell us-"

"Then, ladies and gentlemen, will you please excuse me. I will go and convey the present at once."

He nodded and left before father protested, taking the opportunity to leave the banquet he started to be tired of. He managed to notice the flicker in Mirén's eyes as she sent him a sympathetic smile. Cordelia gave him a disappointed look... But Serge was there to take care of her. Matsuka had no doubt that the handsome Members Elite from National Knights would engage her more than brother she hadn't seen in many years. He told himself it didn't pain him at all.

Keith was sitting in his armchair behind the desk. Since they'd met, it seemed to Matsuka that Keith had always been sitting in the armchair: in headquarters, behind the control panel in the cockpit, or in the bridge. Somehow, it fitted him - although he was a soldier and he handle fighting perfectly, too. But, well, there was a whole army of soldiers, while Keith Anyan was only one...

"What is it?" the cold voice interrupted his thoughts; the cyan eyes were vigilant, suspicious and hostile - at least for someone who didn't know him.

Matsuka blushed. "Some Marte Brett Harrol sends you wine. He claims it to be Noah's best," he said, approaching the commode and taking the glass. "The banquet is in full swing. Maybe... maybe you should have gone?"

"I didn't come here to party," came the expected answer.

Matsuka looked over his shoulder at his commander, who was now staring at the stars outside the window. "Proxima Helenii is the brightest, isn't it?" he threw, resuming his work. He knew where she was to be found. "To the right, over the town hall building." Opening the bottle, he felt Keith's eyes on his back. "I grew up on Noah," he said suddenly, surprising himself. "Downstairs, I met my father and sister," and once he started, it was hard to stop, "I didn't see them in five years, since I left to academy on Bea. I even changed my name..."

"Matsuka, I'm not interested."

Of course he wasn't. Matsuka smiled at another well known answer. He poured wine and turned to take the glass. Keith followed his every move with the icy eyes. Hair brushed back, lips tight; he was every inch forbidding. Matsuka frowned. He had once seen it... Once? Today... Keith knitted his brow.

Matsuka turned back and put the glass down. He felt dizzy. "Keith, I..." He leaned against the commode and shut his eyes. "It will soon go away," he whispered as an excuse and apology.

"Matsuka? Hey, Matsuka..." Keith's voice seemed to be coming from afar.

He knew he had to get up - he had sunk to his knees at some point - and leave. He had no strength. He tried to lift his head, but Keith's face was blurred in front of his eyes. "I'm all right," he said weakly, raising his hand.

The grip on his arm was strong, and the next moment he was already standing, slightly dazed. Keith was giving him an inscrutable look. If you want to make scenes, then not in my room, it was what he probably wanted to say.

Matsuka blinked until he was able to see clearly again - more clearly than ever before. He took a deep breath. "I'm all right," he repeated. "There's no need to worry about me."

"I'm not going to," yet another answer so like Keith.

The man returned to his armchair and looked in the stars again. Matsuka looked at him, ashamed of that earlier moment of weakness. Never before had he felt like this... Probably. He wasn't sure any more. Keith lost the interest in him again.

He came back to the sudden realization that had nearly knocked him out. How stupid it was on his part to think… only an hour ago, half an hour ago… that he had managed to leave his old life behind and find a new one. How idiotic... He had freed himself of his father's authority - only to get into power of another man, so alike his father. He hadn't realized it until now. He had let them push him around, had let the blows... He had really believed it was what he deserved. They saw him only when they wanted to: father - only when he could brag about him; Keith - and it hurt - was only using his powers, while himself he saw as a monster.

Right?

He had thought he had started to live a life he hadn't needed anyone else's smile and approval. What an illusion. He had only persuaded himself. He had lied to himself. No-one could change and escape himself. Life would always be the same... everywhere... Sometimes this is what one really wanted. Sometimes it was what one aimed at.

He remembered the wine. His hand trembled only a bit when he took the glass again, then carried it and put on Keith's desk.

"Here. Noah's best," he said, his voice emotionless.

Keith stared at the red liquid, and it didn't seem he felt like drinking it. Right, Matsuka had seen him drinking only coffee - in amounts exceeding norms for a healthy man. Keith looked him in the eye.

Ah.

"I don't think it is poisoned, but if you wish..." He lifted the glass to his mouth. Keith's protection was his duty, and he wasn't excused from it even for a moment. It smelled sweet. Actually, he would welcome the poison...

The glass hit the wall on his right and shattered into a thousand pieces. Matsuka blinked in a daze. He had never really got used to Keith's speed. Keith was standing, his hands on the desk top. His eyes were darkened. For the next five, ten, fifteen seconds, they only looked at each other. Then Keith brushed his hair back and sat down, as if nothing had happened.

"I don't drink alcohol," he said as if it explained anything.

He was staring at the stars again. Matsuka rubbed at the right cheek and saw blood on his fingers. The glass must have cut his skin. Or was it wine? Suddenly, he didn't feel like checking it out.

It seemed to him Keith was feeling uneasy - so unlike him. He hesitated, still unsure what exactly had just happened. Only after a while he remembered his earlier thoughts... but something was different now. He felt like shaking his head.

"I'll be in the next room, if you need anything," he informed, wanting to leave already. Keith didn't say anything.

The door closed behind him. Matsuka stopped by the window in the corridor. Proxima Helenii was twinkling in the western sky. He leaned against the wall, pressing his hand to the cheek. He still wasn't sure whether it was blood or wine. He stood like this for a quarter, at least, trying to steady his heartbeat. The starlight was calming his nerves until he was able to think clearly again.

He took a deep breath.

Keith was not his substitute of a father - however ridiculous it sounded itself. He wasn't someone Matsuka would do anything to gain an approval from. Matsuka didn't really need his smile and was staying with him on his own free will – because he wanted to. He still believed there was more behind that smileless face. Things like that a moment ago only supported his belief.

Father had let him go; Keith had not. Never.

'Have you succeeded?' Mirén had asked him. Finding happiness?

He still didn't know - but he believed. At the moment - how unexpectedly - he was able to be grateful to his father; it was thanks to him Matsuka was here now.

Maybe there was some sense in the Universe, after all.

And... As for the smiles... He had enough for them both.