Chapter 1

Bella waved goodbye to Billy from the cab of her beat-up truck. She couldn't wait to get home and wash the night offher. After a ten-hour shift, she smelled of stale beer and cigarettes.

Bella pulled down her gravel driveway and noticed the trailer was lit up like a Christmas tree. She was immediately on alert. James was supposed to be at Mike's, not at home. Her heart beat against her chest, and the butterflies in her stomach rolled.

As she put the truck in park, she steeled herself for the fight that was inevitably about to come. It had to be bad to leave Mike's. James never left Mike's before dawn, and the alcohol was long gone. The front door swung open and the man she loved to hate appeared; his eyes filled with rage.

For a brief moment, Bella considered getting back in the truck and driving as far away as she could. Hindsight being what it is, she wished she had.

Bella clutched her large purse to her chest as she slowly made her way onto the dilapidated porch that James had been threatening to fix ever since he moved in a year ago. As she reached the bottom step, she dared a glance at her boyfriend. The sneer on his face made her even more nervous.

"Could you walk any slower Bella? Get in the damn house." James growled at her from just inside the door.

As she crossed the threshold, she heard the squeak of the door closing and jumped before she heard the slam. She was immediately overcome with the stench of whiskey and sweat.

"Baby, I thought you were going to be at Mike's tonight; you usually stay there," Bella said meekly as she turned to face him.

"Baby? What's this baby shit? Ya know I always trusted you, Bella, even after Mike told me what a slut you were in high school." James' voice was too calm. She didn't know what to do with calm.

"What are you talking about?" Bella asked as she sat her purse on the cracked counter top of the dated kitchen.

"What am I talking about?" He yelled. "Don't play dumb. You're a lot of things Bella, but a dumb bitch isn't one of them."

"I swear James; I have no idea what you're talking about." Bella looked around frantically as James stalked towards her.

"That guy at the bar!" James made a move to slap her, but she was able to duck under his arm and around the kitchen table. She had just reached the living room couch when she felt herself being jerked back by her hair.

"You didn't think I would find out, did you? You thought everyone in this town was on your side, and they'd never tell an outsider like me, your sins. Sweet innocent Bella, poor orphan Bella."

James grabbed Bella's arm and dragged her the rest of the way through the living room and towards their bedroom. Bella's stomach began to churn.

"James I promise there's only you. There was no guy at the bar. I've never lied to you."

James glared at Bella as she spoke and smacked her hard across the face.

"LIAR! Jessica saw you! She saw that guy you ran to and hugged. You even gave him your fucking number! Vicky was there and saw it too!"

Jessica Newton had hated Bella since high school, when Mike asked Bella to the junior prom instead of Jessica. She wasn't as dumb as she played and knew what kind of man James was. Victoria, well, Victoria wanted James, and more times than once Bella was inclined to give him to her. Victoria had blown into this little town like a hurricane a few months after graduation. She had immediately latched onto Jessica, she was easy to control and dumb as a rock.

"Jacob! You mean Jacob?" Bella cried in desperation just as they reached the door to the bedroom. "That was Billy's son, Jacob! He had just gotten back into town from school. He graduated last week and was going on a road trip with one of his friends. I haven't seen him in almost two years, James! I've known him my whole life, you know that." Bella drew in a quick breath when James threw her onto the bed and held her there with a glare.

"Jacob? You mean your high school sweetheart? The one you screwed after senior prom? Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Bella instantly regretted her words. James' anger was rolling off him in waves. The air was thick with it, and she couldn't breathe. Something in her clicked, and she realized she had to get away. She flipped onto her knees and tried to crawl up the mattress. 'The lamp. I just need to get to the lamp.'

James grabbed her ankle and pulled her to the edge of the bed. Bella pulled at the sheets to get away while kicking out with her free leg, hoping to make contact. She was suddenly flipped onto her back, with James' body quickly on top of her. He fumbled with the waistband of her leggings as she silently cursed herself for not wearing jeans. Bella felt the cool air hit her thighs and heard the zipper of his jeans. She fought as hard as she could. Kicking, hitting. James only laughed.

"Bella stop fighting. I will take what's mine."

"NO!" Bella gasped out under James' weight. "Stop, please, not like this, don't do this."

James ripped her panties from her body then flipped her onto her stomach and shoved her face into the mattress. Bella couldn't breathe; she couldn't move. He had her hands painfully held behind her back with his other hand.

"Baby, why do you make me do these things? We were so happy. But you keep pushing me. Why won't you stop pushing me?" James asked with a hint of shame in his voice.

When he entered her, Bella felt something inside her shatter.

As Bella felt James moving in and out of her, his grunts of pleasure filling the air, Bella felt herself slipping away. She needed to protect her mind.

She thought of her mother. Her crazy, drunk mother and felt hatred towards her for the first time in her life. This was her fault. If she had pulled herself together for Bella, she would have never met James. She probably would have been in California with Jake, studying art. The logical side of Bella knew that no one was to blame, but it felt good to blame Renee. It felt good to put a face to her mistakes.

Bella felt his body tighten as he finished with a groan inside of her.

"Baby, Bella, I love you. Why can't you just let me love you?" James whispered in her ear as his weight disappeared from her body.

She heard James sigh as he left the bedroom and turned on the shower. Bella stayed perfectly still. The shower shut off and he shuffled back into the bedroom. He got dressed as if nothing had happened. She felt the bed sink as he sat down to put on his boots.

"Clean yourself up, I'm going back to Mike's," James kissed her temple, and she waited until she heard the door close to let out the breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

Bella slowly pulled herself off the bed and made her way gingerly into the bathroom.

She did not allow herself a look in the mirror.

As the shower warmed, Bella undressed the rest of the way and stepped into the scalding hot water. Her pale skin immediately reddened under its spray. She scrubbed her body until she was sure she would bleed and the water had cooled.

She stepped out of the shower, combed her hair and brushed her teeth, making herself feel as though it was any other night after a shift at the bar. Bella took a step and was soon reminded that it wasn't, as the pain between her legs made itself evident. Her shoulders were sore, and she could see the bruises beginning to form around her wrists where James had held her.

She didn't bother to fix the sheets that her fists had pulled. Instead, she grabbed her pillows and walked into the living room. She lay on the couch and pulled the blanket from the back of it over her. There was complete silence as she focused on the sound of her breath.

A lone tear escaped her eye as she began to drift off. She prayed that sleep would come and she could wake up from this nightmare.

Three days, James had been gone three days.

The first day, after slowly dragging herself off the couch and taking another scalding hot shower, Bella finally allowed herself a glance in the mirror. The reflection that looked back at her was shocking. Pale, ivory skin with an angry purple hand mark against her cheek. Bella knew she wouldn't be able to go to work for a while until it went away. It would be impossible to lie about what had happened to her face. Her phone call with Billy was brief and rushed, telling him she had the flu and would be out all week. She could hear the skepticism in his voice, but he didn't push her, and for that, she was grateful. She spent the rest of the day on the couch.

When the bright morning sun of day two rolled into the living room window, Bella jumped off the couch with a start. She immediately stripped the bed sheets, throwing them into the washer on her way to the kitchen. She scrubbed every surface of the trailer that day. The ceiling, the floors, counters, tables, windows, doors. Everything that wasn't moving was scoured with baking soda and vinegar, a trick Sue had taught her. She fell into bed that night for the first time since James had left. She was sore and exhausted and slipped into a restless sleep.

And today, day three was by far the worst. She awoke before the sun was up and made her way to the kitchen where she made a cup of coffee. As she sat at the kitchen table and looked out the window, the cup of coffee in front of her long gone cold, she realized that James had won.

She had let him win.

The first six months of their relationship was the stuff of fairytales. He had rolled into the sleepy little town lighting it on fire. He was loud and fun and earned respect and love from all those he met. He had walked into that bar the first night like he owned the place and by the time Bella's shift was over she was already falling. His charm was unmatched by anyone she had ever met. She felt light and carefree.

James moved in after those first six months, and at first, Bella noticed no difference. He hadn't found a job yet and was still living off his savings, but every night when she came home from a long shift at the bar, he would be waiting for her with a smile on his face. He'd talk to her about her shift while he made her a sandwich and would insist on cleaning up their late night snack so she could shower.

She loved him. Plain and simple.

After a couple of months of living together, Bella noticed a shift in James. He started hanging out at Mike's more and was rarely there when she got home from the bar. The trailer was a mess, and he made no effort to help her. His savings dried up, and so did his charm.

The first time James hit her, Bella hit him back. They both froze, and she watched the anger fade away, and he came back to her. He apologized for a month; stopped drinking, was there every night when she got home and went back to being the man she had fallen fell in love with.

The second time James hit her, she left him. He came to Billy's bar begging for her forgiveness. She was able to stay away for two days before she finally gave in and went back.

The third time, he didn't even apologize. From that moment on, Bella had lost count of the times it had happened in the last nine months. She never stopped fighting back, even though she knew that made it worse. Her anger fueled his.

It felt like Bella had been taking care of herself her whole life. Her daddy, Charlie, had died when she was two and Renee had never been able to come back from that. She drank to numb the pain and before long, she drank to feel normal. Bella was strong. She never doubted that. Not until James.

James not only startedbegan to hit her, he slowly took everything that made Bella the person she was. She had started school at the local community college right before she met James. She was aware that eventually she'd have to go to a bigger school to complete her art degree but for the time being she had wanted to stay close to home. James constantly made fun of her degree. At first, it was just little digs here and there, but once he moved in, he bitched about it all the time. They didn't have the money for it, he'd say. Eventually, tired of fighting, Bella quit school.

Bella will never forget when she had told her best friend, Jacob. He was the only person she really talked to anymore. He was in California so he couldn't see her. She could fake it with him. They had gotten into a huge fight, and they both said things they regretted. She hadn't talked to him since.

Bella smiled to herself. Jacob had come into that bar Friday night on a mission. He walked right over to her and wrapped her up in a huge hug. She immediately started to cry, and Billy had rushed them both outside to have their reunion. She felt grounded again now that they had said their apologies.

Friday night was the first time James had ever raped her. Their sex life, though strained, didn't suffer from his abuse. Bella figured out early on that the more often she had sex with him, the less likely he was to hit her. Yell at her, always, hit her, seldom. She hated to be that girl, the girl who used sex to protect herself, but she was surviving. James had threatened her the last time she tried to leave him. He said he would hurt Billy, or Sue if she went running to them. She had nowhere else to go, so she stayed.

Bella was brought out of her train of thought by the gravel crunching in her driveway. She froze, rigid and scared. When she heard Jacob's voice, instead of feeling relieved, she felt fear and shame. She didn't want to let him in, but she should have known he would see her one way or another.