"I'm sorry that I was away for so long..." Clare says. She is unsure of what else to say. She holds the letter she wrote while in Rabona. She tried to put all her feelings down, hoping it would help her talk when she returned.
She looks at Jean's sword and wonders, Why do the words I wrote suddenly feel so I inadequate?
She feels guilty; she did not say goodbye to Jean when she left the mountains. She told herself and the others she wanted to search for Raki.
Deep in her heart, she hoped she could return, but knew that would not happen… or so she thought. She knew she was going to die after saying goodbye to Raki for a second time.
She looks at Jean's sword and the guilt weighs on her heart. The guilt is different now, different from the seven years she spent in the mountains. Two people sacrificed their lives for her to live.
"I'm sorry…" she struggles to say. "I'm sorry for almost throwing my life away."
The guilt of choosing self-destruction, choosing death, hurts her. She realizes she was disrespectful to Jean and Teresa. Her last battle was going to be death. It was ordained by fate the day Priscilla took Teresa away from her. Yet, her family had other plans. Miria, Helen, Deneve, Cynthia, Yuma, Tabitha, and Raki made it possible for her to return.
Yet, she stands before Jean's sword, like she had every day for seven years, angry with herself.
"But it was you that stopped me, wasn't it? Before you... before you died, you left me with something, didn't you? You've stopped me from awakening twice now. Why was I so important to you? I'm Number 47!"
The pain is clear from the expression on her face, If I was only stronger! If I was smarter then! Why did you care so much, Jean?
The only answer she knows is in the dreams she had while staying in the mountains.
"I did it because I love you," she remembers Jean saying in her dream. She feels a small tingle on the back of the neck.
"We've lost so many others, Jean. Those that never had a chance when the transformation process failed. Those that were discarded… disposed of like trash. Those that sacrificed their lives to save someone else," she says and pauses briefly. "Those that did not survive against Priscilla," she finishes and looks away for a moment.
"We lost Tabitha…" she says with tears. "It devastated Captain Miria."
She wipes the tears from her eyes. Miria and the others knew she visited Jean every day they were in the mountains. Clare did not voice it in Rabona, but she wanted to return to the mountains and Pietà. She feels Miria sensed her feelings as well.
"I hope, someday, I can be the strong leader she is. She kept us all going after the war here. She led the rebellion against the Organization, Jean. There is no more Organization…" she pauses as the tears flow, "we're free," she smiles bitterly. "But you're not here."
She shakes her head, Why is this so difficult?
"I- I reunited with Raki. He's in Pietà now, helping coordinate the new townspeople…" she says, again unsure of how to continue.
Her desire to speak aloud to Jean confuses her. She spent countless days with Jean, just kneeling in silence. She looks at her letter she wrote while in Rabona.
"Miria suggested I write out my thoughts and have it with me when I returned," she says, sighing. "It doesn't feel like enough."
She looks away, "If I was then who I am now, you'd be here and I could see you again, I could hold you, we could have shared a life together…" the bitterness in her voice is palpable.
Why was I so weak then! Why… why couldn't I get stronger faster? Why couldn't I realize the path to self-destruction wasn't the way?
"I'm sorry, Jean. I'm sorry- I'm sorry I lost control. I'm sorry I was so reckless. If I had more patience, If I was smarter then… maybe you'd be still be alive and we would be together. Even though you're near, you're always out of reach. Even though I talked to you every day I was here…even though I've said I'm sorry to you, it never feels like enough," Clare says.
"More than anything, I hope you feel your sacrifice is worth it," she pauses, fighting back the tears. "I hope I make you and Teresa proud," she finishes, dropping the letter.
"I'll be back tomorrow," she says with a small smile, a mixture of happiness and sadness. Pietà is now home to her.
She leans down and kisses the hilt of the sword.
"I love you, Jean."
Author Notes
I'd like to give special thanks to the following people.
SilverDagger/jean-snow on AO3/Tumblr for organizing this and being a really awesome person.
fuckyeahclaymore on Tumblr for being very supportive of my presence in the fandom on Tumblr and for becoming a good friend.
goatalicious on Tumblr. This one's for you, my co-conspirator-in-sad. Our banter helps me keep writing, my friend.
jean-number9 on Tumblr… Where do I begin here? I cannot thank you enough for being my friend. You kept me writing when I was ready to quit.