And in the night
we'll wish this never ends.
- We'll wish this never ends -
Where are you?
And I'm so sorry.
Don't waste your time on me - you're already
the voice inside my head
I miss you.
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The hole world was spinning around.
The streets looked so unstable as if they were only waiting for a chance to make him fall. And the stars...far above him they were whirling around like the leaves in autumn, dancing through the air in such complicated and irrational patterns that he completely lost track of their presence. Yeah, the world was spinning like a whirlwind.
Or was it just Gilbert who was spinning?
Because he really couldn't make it out anymore.
.
I'm not that drunk, am I?, his mind asked quietly but it never got any answer. Instead, his thoughts lost the words before Gilbert was even aware of them.
Then there was an arm. It grabbed him firmly at his wrist and pulled him somewhere, away from the spinning pavement, the loud whispers of the pub, into the small cabin of a carriage. He was pushed onto the left bank, realizing that his eyes were closed but not remembering when and why he shut them.
He felt the warmth of a body right beside him, then the carriage started moving and again, his mind somehow zoned out.
It was so exhausting. Thinking, breathing, keeping balance, merely existing.
And there was a very small part inside him that just wanted to lay back right here in the carriage and stop being. But...but he couldn't give up like that. Not if Oz was still missing in the Abyss, the Nightrays still being under attack of some insane monster and him being unable to do anything against the odds.
Those thoughts kept running around in his head, leaving him unable to think of anything else as he drowned himself in the darkness of his own soul.
Until there was another hand, slowly tracing down his forehead, pushing aside his bangs and tipping his cheek.
"My, my", a familiar voice chirped into his ear. "Getting you drunk probably wasn't one of my best ideas."
The sweet smell of burned sugar suddenly filled the air and Gilbert wondered how he could have missed it until now, because, honestly, there was only one person that was wearing it like a second coat.
"Break...?", Gilbert asked confused, not knowing how he should behave.
"Well, of course, Raven. Who else would be capable of leading you into a situation like that?", the Hatter replied amused, leaving Gilbert absolutely stunned.
"What...?", he mumbled, eyes still closed,"Why are you...why would you...I don't...huh..."
His tongue felt so heavy. Has it always been so hard to pronounce every word? Or was it just that the words didn't want to leave his mouth, escaping his breath into the cold night air?
"You don't have to know", Break whispered in his hear again, making Gilbert's skin crawl. "Let's just say I'm taking a risk."
"What do you..." … mean?, he wanted to ask, but somehow he couldn't remember the correct order of the letters. Break chuckled.
"See, Gilbert, this is very easy. Either you will remember this tomorrow, or you won't. I don't know which one I'd prefer, so I'll just leave it to fate or whatever ~", he sang in that teasing voice of his.
And then Break suddenly sat on his lap and kissed him.
At first, Gilbert really didn't know what was going on. There were Break's lips, pressing against his own, slowly moving. And this feeling was back. The feeling of the hole world spinning around. Just now, Gilbert knew it wasn't because of the alcohol in his blood. It was Break. Kissing him.
When their lips parted, Gilbert gasped for air. He opened his eyes and looked right into Break's single iris. A wide grin spread across the Hatter's face, but for the first time ever Gilbert was able to see behind the façade. Break was nervous. Nervous and insecure. Why? Because they kissed?
But Gilbert liked the kiss.
So it can't be bad, right?
There was a long moment of silence while they just looked at each other. Then a hesitant smile showed up on Break's face. The Hatter said something but the words didn't make any sense to Gilbert. So he just tried to smile back, not sure if he made it. The pause went on and he could feel heat and shame rising up his cheeks. So he did the only thing that seemed reasonable for his drunken mind.
He kissed Break again.
When their first kiss was soft and sweet, this one was filled with passion. Passion and some suppressed anger, caused by years of sharing a twisted bond.
Break pulled his hair, twirling the dark locks around his fingers, making Gilbert groan in between the third and the fourth kiss. In reward, Gilbert grabbed his waist, clutching the soft fabric of Break's shirt and pulled him closer.
He felt his own erection pressing against Break's and it made his stomach flip.
The next kiss came and everything went white again. It was overwhelming.
Soon Gilbert lost track of how many kisses they've already shared. Each one was inimitable. One soft and full of sweet promises, the next rough and tender, telling about devotion. Some of them were short, lasting only seconds. Then there were the deep and long ones that left both of them gasping for air. Gilbert hadn't known that there were so many ways of kissing someone and that each way was completely breathtaking.
They kissed until they arrived at Gilbert's apartment, only stopping while they stumbled through the door and climbed the stairs. As they entered the living room, Break slipped out of his coat, leaving it where it hit the ground. He pressed Gilbert against the wall and kissed him again. This time rough and with force, his teeth slowly nipping on Gilbert's lips.
"Break...", he barely hissed when they broke apart again, just to lean closer to each other one more time, their legs entwined, leaving them pressed unstable against the wall.
"Can we just...this is...please don't...I mean...just...be careful, okay?", he managed to stutter, face burning with shame again. But Break, much to Gilbert's surprise, let the opportunity for one of his stupid jokes pass by and just nodded solemnly before he kissed him once more.
Gilbert didn't notice how they got from the living room into his bedroom, the next thing he really realized was Break kneeling above him and kissing his way down his throat. Somehow they've lost all their clothes along the way, well, except Gilbert's left glove and Break's shirt.
It burned. Every kiss felt like it was melting away Gilbert's skin, leaving him blank and naked. He enjoyed it. Every burning sting of pain. It was prove that this was real, that it was really happening.
So when Break suddenly stopped kissing Gilbert's chest, he couldn't suppress the disappointed groan that escaped his throat the moment Break pulled away.
"Now, now, you really are the impatient kind, aren't you?", the Hatter mused as he took off the glove that covered Gilbert's left hand. Visibly enjoying the tension Break kissed the bare skin of his palm, slowly retracing the lines of Gilbert's hand with a skilled tongue.
Gilbert felt his toes curl. His hole body went stiff and his mind went blank. All he could focus on were Break's lips on his palm, the very palm that has contracted with Raven and killed so many people. The left hand Gilbert thought was only capable of hurting other people was now used to bring the biggest pleasure he has felt so far. It swapped his perception and made him unable to hold back the moans and noises that were stuck in his throat far too long.
And it was only his hand. Not his chest or his navel or his cock, but only his goddamn hand.
He felt the heat rise in his cheeks as Break chuckled, as always perfectly aware of Gilbert's supposedly secret emotions.
"Say, Raven", he whispered against Gilbert's palm, the hot air crawling over the wet skin. "How far are you willing to go?"
Gilbert really didn't know how to answer that question.
Didn't they already go too far? And if they stop now...will it be different from stopping later?
He didn't know. His mind was filled with alcohol. His body conducted by desire. And he decided that it didn't matter. Not now, not later. Because maybe he'll forget all of this and only wake up the other day with one hell of a headache...well, it should be worth it.
So as a response he just sat up in front of Break and looked him in the eye. With his right hand, he grabbed the older man's wrist and led his hand to his mouth. He watched Break gasp in surprise when he took two of his fingers in his mouth, licking and sucking them until the Hatter himself had to groan.
Before Gilbert could even think about what to do next, he was pressed back into the blankets, Break's fingers still in his mouth pushing deeper until he almost choked.
His vision blurred, but that was alright because he was too focused on the two fingers in his mouth that were playing with his tongue, teasing him mercilessly.
When the teasing suddenly stopped, Gilbert gasped for air, his mouth feeling somewhat empty without Break's fingers pressing against his teeth. But he only had a few moments to catch his breathe again, until Break suddenly turned him over so that he was on his knees now, face pressed into the pillows.
He blinked a few times until his vision was the nearest it could get to 'clear', and then he looked Break in the eye. In this burning red iris that was watching him, seducing him with some unspoken promises and also something that was usually hidden there. But because Gilbert's mind was blurred, the lines in Break's eye he always saw there, were blurred too. And for the first time Gilbert could see a little bit beyond those borders. He saw something similar to fear, the mess in his mind just wasn't able to figure out of what Break was afraid of.
Suddenly, Break looked away.
"Hey, Gilbert …", he whispered, using Gilbert's real name, not the nickname, the fake name, and brushed away the black bangs. The soft touch on his heated cheeks made Gilbert shiver again.
"I want to tell you something. But I don't want you to reply", Break continued seriously and brought his face down on the pillow next to Gilbert's. Gilbert shut his eyes as their lips once again met, so very soft and sweet was this kiss and only now it really came to him how much he had missed the sensation and the taste and the feeling over the last few minutes. And he wondered how he will be able to bear the loss of it once this night was over.
"I love you", he said, simple and plain. "And I am egoistic enough to not care if you love me back. I just want to love you." His petite fingers wandered over Gilbert's body, his waist, the muscles on his stomach, and once again Gilbert moaned in pleasure.
Break kissed him again. "I just want" - another kiss - "to love you" - once more their lips met and parted - "this one night" - and again - "and not care about tomorrow" - and again - "because you might" - and again - "not remember" - and again - "it".
How rude, Gilbert thought. How very rude of Break to be the only one who'd keep those memories. And how rude of himself to forget it and to leave Break with them. He wanted to reply, but he didn't, because Break asked him to do not so and this was the only thing he could do to repay him for the burden Break would have to carry the next morning.
He opened his eyes again and his gaze met Break's once more. There was so much pain in this red iris.
Gilbert tried to search for a hint in this burning blaze, anything that could tell him if Break really was willing to go further.
He was.
And then there were those fingers again. Just this time … not in his mouth …
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When Gilbert woke up the other day, he couldn't remember anything. His whole body was aching in pain. Every muscle, every fiber of skin felt like it had been on fire. There was the vague memory of alcohol, confirmed by the throbbing pain in his head and the sallow taste in his mouth … but everything else was just some blank spot in his mind.
When he sat up, pain pierced up his spine and he flinched surprised. His first theory was that he may have stumbled and fall down, but this wouldn't explain his aching back. Plus, he somehow had the feeling that he shouldn't have woken up alone in his bed … there should have been someone else … right?
He felt embarrassment filling up his stomach and heat climbing up his cheeks, but he didn't know why he suddenly felt so ashamed. Something must have happened. Something that made his heart twist and flutter while entire body seemed to tingle. It felt weird, but not really bad. He just wished he could at least remember something, anything. A hint of what could have happened, but there was nothing.
Annoyed, he rubbed his forehead and let his gaze wander around his room … everything was as usual, sunlight fell through the curtains and everything was illuminated in this shining gold. Gilbert really felt different, somehow brighter and … at ease.
It was funny, but what ever happened last night seemed to have changed him. It must have been something good then. He just wished … he wished he could remember.
Then he saw the candy next to his pillow. The red wrapper pulled some trigger in his head ...
… and he remembered everything.