Okay it's been a long time since I've taken a shot at fanfiction, but I have a lot of spare time. I've been watching tons of Degrassi music videos, hehe, and have been inspired.

This will be about Emma and how she deals after the shooting, and during the whole Jay ordeal. The timeline may be a bit 'off',as I might include her eating disorder earlier (or not, give me your feedback). So here it is.

Discliamer:Although I am a loyalcanadian...IDO NOT own Degrassi orany of the wonderfully complex characters.

I wasn't so sure about myself anymore, I was having a hard time figuring out who I was. Before, I was 'Cause Girl' or 'Greenpeace', now I wasn't much of anything, was I? I couldn't remember the last time I felt truly passionate about something. Of course, it was likely to have been before the shooting.

Now I was Emma Nelson, ravine girl, but not for the reasons I had before. I was now one of Jay's many conquests, a bracelet collector, a blond bimbo. What have I become? Oh well, I was already in the van. I turned to face Jay, he smiled...or was that a smirk? It's not like Jay was a complete loser, I think in a way he was lost too. I think he felt abandoned, first by his father,thenby dear old Sean, and then came the slow lose of Alex. Sure, being with me in the van probably wouldn't be the boost those two needed in their relationship; but, she was slowly being lured towards Paige and her cronies, and there was no room in there for him. Of course, Jay and I had never actually talked about his feelings, actually, we didn't talk much at all.

"So we gonna do this, or what?" Jay asked, bringing me back tothe right time andplaceHe was unbuckling his pants, so I assumed he knew the answer already.

I smiled, "I am a fan of these bracelets, what are they? Handmade by Mr.Hoggart himself?"

"Uh huh, and completly safe for the rainforest, Greenpeace."

I cringed, closing my eyes tightly, "Don't call me that."

He shrugged, obviously not caring enough to inquire further. Moving closer to me, he reached his hands around my waist. I smelt his neck,a mix of his own odour and cologne. He ran his hands through my hair, mumbling into my ear, "I'm glad you changed your mind, Emma." Sure, he didn't call my Greenpeace, but the way he said my name had a distinctive mocking tone to it.

I pulled away, reaching down towards his waitline, removing both his paints and black silk boxers. The rest of the ordeal needs no explanation. Iwas awardedanother bracelet.

I walked out of the van, glancing back at Jay only for a moment. This was my third time in that damn van. I lied to my parents, I lied to my friends; but, its not like they knew who I was anymore. Everyone seemed like they had just forgotten about the shooting. Why couldn't I let go? Why was I one of the only kids at that whole school who couldn't get back to routine? Manny had her own life to attend to, and JT, Liberty, and Toby weren't exactly the shoulder to cry on that I needed. I was just was alone. Alone. It was one of the first times that I had admitted it to myself. I didn't have anyone, not even myself.

I knew the one person who would understand how I felt. The one person who would sit next to me, stroking my hair softly as I cried my heart out. Or at least this is what I had imagined him to be, until he himself chose his own comfort. I couldn't blame him, everyone needs a shoulder to cry one. I was bitter that, by opting to comfort himself, I was left sitting in my dark basement feeling as emotionless as humanly possible. This boy had been the boy. I wasn't his girl. Sean Cameron had moved on without me. He had left. He loved Ellie. He was in Wasaga Beach. He couldn't save me now. He was dead to me.

I went to bed that night feeling entirely empty. I couldn't even shed a tear. There's a point that people reach when they are so numb they can no longer feel: I, Emma Christine Nelson, had reached that point.