Behold, for I shall write legit Parody for a change. Also beware of many references and some take thats to more than just Betrayal Fic Cliches. I'd appreciate anyone who can name them in the review section
THE HALL OF ORIGINS
Beyond time and space, in a dimension where neither matter or anti-matter exists, sits the Hall of Origins, the realm of the Great Creator of All.
His name, Arceus. His role, ensuring the proper flow of all things.
Sure, Arceus had been sleeping on the job a bit lately, but He was catching up!
It was taking a bit of work though; the two concurrent, yet mutually exclusive, incidents in Unova with the People of the Vale was a symptom of that. As was that Meteonite incident that happened yet didn't happen.
But it would be done at some point. Arceus would be sure of it.
The sound of footsteps, a sound of the world below and not of the Hall, echoed and sent Arceus into high alert.
An intruder? Here?
Impossible, Cyrus had been dealt with! This reality was safe from him and other reality-altering events, such as the time Ash and Red had a battle which nearly ended all of existence, or - even worse - the time the entire Squirtle line became anime fanatics.
Who else could possibly be here?
Gliding through the hall, Arceus came to a stop in a room that was empty save for a single pedestal.
Upon it lay a book, open to the world and littered with pages both used and blank. If one tried to flip to the end, they'd find it was impossible for there was no ending. Should they go to the cover however, they would find the beginning.
It was the Book of Fate - the book that held the story of everything that ever was, is, and would be. It told the story on its own, operating without interference.
It was supposed to be closed, not open. It also wasn't supposed to have someone in blood red and black armor with spikes and an evil looking helmet standing over it with a large red pen.
As Arceus approached the dark one, the helmet looked up to stare right at him with a single eye-slit, radiating flames of damnation not native to the realm of the Pocket Monsters.
"For too long," the black-clad knight said with a bone chilling voice that made the air around him chill.
"Yes?" Arceus wondered why he paused. It seemed pointless and melodramatic.
"For too long, this story hasn't grown. Hasn't improved. It has remained a child's cartoon! But I shall change that this day..I shall make Pokemon grow up. I am Darkern Edgier, and I shall fix Ash Ketchum and make him what he should be!"
"What he should be?" Arceus questioned what the darkly dressed blood knight meant.
"A great warrior, one who is undefeatabe in battle."
Arceus was not impressed. "To do that, he'd have to become bald and lose all sense of joy."
The Legendary Pokemon turned to the far side of the room, where the wall began to shimmer before turning into a moving image that showed Ash Ketchum walking home, Pikachu by his side. He seemed happy, as if he had just done something rather wonderful.
"Do you really want to take this all away from him?" asked the creator, motioning towards the wall.
The dark one was not swayed even as he prepared his pen. "A warrior is only, truly, actually, legitimately good when he is toned through misery and brutality. I commit it to writing!"
And with that over dramatizing, Darkern Edgier began writing in the Book of Fate.
Furious, Arceus formed hundreds of shimmering, ethereal arms and shot them at the book. Normally, Arceus would have considered destroying Darkern, but with him so close to the book launching an attack was too risky. Tearing out a single page could prove devestating, let alone what might happen should He accidentally destroy the book. However, He did have a counter to Darkern's actions.
Blue pens!
"As Ash Ketchum returns home after failing at yet another league," Darkern read aloud as he wrote, "he is confronted—"
"By random strangers," Arceus cut in. Darkern shot a look at the god, and then gasped in horror when he saw the words on the pages of the book in bright blue ink!
The image of Ash blinked as the changes came into effect, with a trio of hipsters surrounding him.
Arceus wasn't sure if hipsters were even supposed to be in this universe. He'd have to check that after this annoyance was dealt with.
"Heh, well it if isn't the Choking Wonder," one of the hipsters said mockingly.
"Yeah, I loved that match you had in the Kalos League," said the second hipster. "It was cool watching you fight against an actual trainer like Alain...except the part where you lost, of course. That just sucked."
"Yeah, I could totally have won that! I mean, how does a Greninja lose to a Charizard? It's weak to Water!"
The third hipster's statement made Arceus roll his eyes; clearly they had forgotten that they were dealing with a Mega Evolution, one that involved a type change. Or did they miss the fact Charizards normally weren't black and blue?
"Then again, maybe it's no wonder. You fail at everything you do. You're a failure!"
Pikachu sparked his cheeks angrily at the hipsters, and even Ash was glaring at them. However, anger gave way to a kind of satisfaction as Ash thought of how to respond to them.
"You know, I have a lot of friends that compete in both the Pokemon League and the Grand Festivals. I always try to watch their matches whenever I can, and you know something? Not one time did I see you guys there trying to compete." Ash smiled as the hipsters lost steam, visibly unsure of what to say. "Have you guys ever actually competed in a League before? It's not easy, and my League friends—Ritchie, Casey, Macy, Harrison, Morrison, Nando, Barry, Paul I guess, Trip, Bianca, Stephan, Cameron, and now Trevor, Tierno, and Sawyer—are all really, really good trainers, and yet they didn't win either. Are you going to say they all suck too?"
The hipsters were silent as they struggled to think of a reply.
"Well...it just wasn't my time yet," said the first hipster. "I'm waiting for the right stars to shine before I compete. But I am totally better than you are!"
"Yeah, we could easily win it our first time!" said the second.
"And beat that Darkrai with just a single Pokemon like a real trainer could!" chimed the third.
Ash smirked as he took out a Pokeball from his belt. "If you really think you can beat me, why not have a battle? I just finishedcatching up with an old friend in the forest, and I'm sure they're itching for a good fight."
Darkern chuckled as he saw his chance. "Nice try Arceus, but I can still use this! When Ash is beaten by people who use Pokemon like they should, he'll see reason!"
"You mean like Paul did when Ash beat him at the Sinnoh League?" Arceus quipped as Darkern readied his pen.
"And so, the battle began. His opponents sent out the fiercest of OU tier Pokemon, while Ash..."
"Countered with Unfeazant."
Darkern stopped his penning as he saw the blue words written out.
"Go!" the hipsters shouted as they sent out Gengar, Scizor, and Starmie.
"Unfeazant, I choose you!" Ash shouted as he threw his Pokeball out, revealing a gray bird without fancy features.
"Ha!" the hipsters and Darkern laughed at once, "You're using Unfeazant?! The one that lost to a Riolu?! The stupidest Flying-type no one ever uses?! This'll be easy!"
"Creepy," Arceus quipped as they all spoke simultaneously.
The battle began as the hipsters attacked at once.
"Gengar, use Sludge Bomb!"
"Scizor, use Bullet Punch!"
"Starmie, use Scald!"
"Dodge them and use Aerial Ace on Gengar!"
"Un!" His female bird shouted as Gengar spat out toxins, Scizor shot forward with glowing arms, and Starmie spat out burning water.
Unfeazant flew forward at blinding speeds, coming in close to Scizor. At the last moment she dodged, causing Scizor to fly forward with unstoppable momentum.
She avoided Scald and Sludge Bomb before slamming right into Gengar, sending the Ghost flying into a tree and knocking it out.
"How!?"
Ash smirked. "Alright Unfeazant, now use Quick Attack on Starmie!"
Unfeazant flew even faster than before, but the hipsters were having none of it.
"Use Thunderbolt!"
Unfeazant avoided the electric attack with a sharp turn, and then slammed into Starmie from the side and sent the Water-type flying at Scizor like a shuriken.
The two collided, Starmie fainting from the impact, and Scizor glared at the fluttering bird with annoyance.
"Hax! Freakin' Hax Bird! I'll show you—Scizor use U-Turn!"
Scizor nodded, before surging right at Unfeazant, who didn't move.
"That's it...now dodge at the last second!"
"Un!"
Just as Scizor closed the distance, Unfeazant stopped flapping and fell, revealing a tree hollow behind her.
Scizor's eyes went wide as the bug promptly flew in and got stuck. In the meantime, Unfezant flew behind Scizor and awaited Ash's command.
"Now, Air Cutter!"
Darkern turned his gaze away furiously, glaring at the amused looking Arceus in anger as Ash KO'd the last of the hipsters' Pokemon.
"What. Was. That!?" Darkern yelled, pointing dramatically at the now-fainted Scizor.
"Well I'd say that was a well earned victory," Arceus said nonchalantly.
"How does the worst com-bird in all of Pokemon defeat three of the best Pokemon ever made!?"
"Training," Arceus replied as the hipsters swore to call their lawyers and booked it. "So, are you done trying to 'forge Ash with pain' or whatever it was you were spewing? If you like pain so much, I know this lovely universe to send you. Have you ever wanted to go to Zashono Academy?"
"Oooh, I'm not done yet," Darkern said threateningly as he raised his pen again. "Not even close. Not. Even. Close."
"...are you a relative of Crazy Steve and Bonkers Betty by any chance?" Arceus quipped.
"Keep your memes to yourself!" Darkern declared as the vision of Ash showed him returning to Oak's lab. "And yes, the stage is here."
"Stage comments are Dawn's thing as I recall... Also, what's your diabolical plan here?" Arceus questioned as Darkern prepared his pen.
"Before a gathering of his loved ones, man and beast, he shall face the ultimate rejection! They shall destroy his heart, and from there rebuild him into a real character!"
"Or a caricature," Arceus quipped as Darkern began to write.
"Entering Oak's lab, the atmosphere didn't seem right. For something was missing. The friendly vibes..."
"...of Tracey were not there, as he had been sent by Professor Oak to go and do sketches of Kanto's top Gym Leaders for the Gym Leader Appreciation Festival."
The screen flickered again, even as Draken growled like an angry Mightyena.
"Oh Ash!" Professor Oak greeted the boy as he darted into the room, looking rather exhausted and dusty.
"Whoa, you okay Professor?" Ash asked, his starter saying something similar at the same time.
Professor Oak sighed. "Sadly, no. I lent Tracey to the tourism board to do some sketches this week and I'm being completely overwhelmed. I forgot how much work this was, and that was back when you didn't have such a large collection of unique Pokemon."
"Sorry..." Ash apologized. He quickly perked up and said, "Say, can I help you? I can go feed them while you do the more complicated things!"
"That would be helpful," Oak said with a relieved sigh. "The food is kept in the second room to the right. Also, it's labeled by type, so be sure to look at what you're grabbing."
"No problem!"
Darkern glared at Arceus. "What was the point of that!?"
"Does kindness need a point?" Arceus replied. "Ash is helping a friend, and an elderly one at that. He even gets to see his Pokemon more, which is always good. Sure, he sees them between adventures, which take longer to prepare for than most people realize, but more time is always nice."
"But where's the catalyst to prove everyone wrong? The anger? The drama!?"
"...Isn't the drive of adventure enough?"
"No!" Darkern declared as he began writing more.
Arceus privately thought he might be more successful if he didn't write out loud.
"As he exited Oak's lab, a smile on his face as he saw Pokemon he hadn't seen in ages, a terrible sight came before him..."
"...Muk!"
"Muk!"
Ash and Pikachu were promptly crushed under an extremely friendly pile of sludge.
"Muk! I'm glad to see you, but you already smothered me today and I need to feed—"
"Muk...MUK!"
"Help..."
"Well if you want suffering, what's worse than being hugged by pollution?" Arceus asked in a not-so-serious manner. "True, the Pokeball that caught Muk did neutralize the poison, but I am pretty sure that would still be dangerous to Captain Planet."
"Freaking Hitler glares are dangerous to that loser!" Darkern countered.
Arceus stared at the black-clad knight. "Well now you're just speaking nonsense. Not that you weren't already..." Arceus paused, and then added, "Say, how is it you are getting my references anyway? For that matter, what are you?"
"Pain," Darkern replied with the utmost seriousness.
"That doesn't help," Arceus snarked as Darkern began to write again.
"You can't stop me this time, I have a foolproof plan to begin the rebuilding process! For Ash will turn around, and see a horrifying sight. His mother had inexplicably died..."
"...her hair bubblegum pink!" Arceus prayed the book was not a Grammar Nazi...though he wasn't sure what the Creator of All would even pray to.
"Ash honey, it's time for lunch!"
Arceus exhaled in relief. That could have gone much worse.
"Oh really? Huh, time really flies when you are feeding your Pokemon...bah! Mom, what did you do to your hair!?"
"Oh, I just dyed it. I think it makes me look younger."
Darkern roared loudly in frustration.
It was silent now in the Hall of Origins. Darkern, having finished his angry screaming, was having a kind of standoff with Arceus in which each waited for the other to write something so they could try and counter it. Darkern stabbed his pen at the air, as if wanting to stab Arceus's ethereal arms. Of course, such an action would have been utterly pointless and futile, but hey, what better description could be given of his angsty opponent?
Arceus's arms were wafting out of sight, preparing to edit at a moment's notice.
Beside them was the life of Ash Ketchum. Hours had passed, and now the trainer, his mother, and Professor Oak were sitting around, talking about the future and all that.
"Honey are you sure you don't want to stay longer? Kalos was a lot for you," his mother spoke with worry.
"I'm fine mom," Ash assured her. "Honestly, why are you guys so worried?"
"You were bound and restrained by an evil organization led by a mad man," Professor Oak said gravely. "It's not a situation you should make light of."
Ash looked like he wanted to say something, but Pikachu slapped the back of the boy's head with his tail. This was not the time to mention things like being trapped in a mirror world, thwarting a group of Malamar that wanted to terraform the planet, and traveling back in time again.
Darkern watched the proceedings with disgust. "Oh, so Ash is plotting his next failed adventure," he snarked.
"Cough, Orange Islands and the Battle Frontier, cough."
"Well, Alola is a gym-less reject of a region..."
"I bet you've never even been there, have you?" Arceus replied. "Why make assumptions about something you haven't even seen?"
"But Ash has to go to a region of men!"
"All region have men. I am pretty sure there are no Pokeamazons." Arceus shifted a pair of his extra 100 arms to his chin and scratched it momentarily. "Or are there?"
"Hawaii is a land of the weak. It's a region of caring... Ash must go to a region without remorse to harden him. In fact, he shall go to Orre!"
"Orre..." Arceus blinked, and then readied his pens for battle.
"Ash will be told of a new region..."
"...known as Alola..."
"The Alola region is a possible place to go my boy. It has many rare Pokemon, though if you want to fight gyms it might not be your cup of tea," Oak said as the edit war continued.
"...However as Alola is boring, Orre was offered instead..."
"Then again, I am told that the Orre region is looking for foreign trainers to challenge their various battle colosseums..." Professor Oakadded.
"Absolutely not!" Delia yelled with such force that it caught everyone, human and Pokemon alike, off guard. "Orre is nothing but a crime-ridden cesspool! My baby is going nowhere near that region!"
"Well, it appears that Delia took care of that one for me," Arceus quipped. "So let's add this then...Ash wonders about possibly challenging one of the old leagues again. He even muses about seeing if Serena wants to come along."
"Say, what would I need to do to battle in the Indigo or Silver Leagues again?" Ash asked as the edits took effect. "Can I just go back with the gym badges I have, or do I have to get new ones? Serena mentioned after the Flare thing that she wants to improve her performing, and I think contests might hep her out with that."
As Oak answered the question for Ash, Darkern silently wrote, "There shall be a World Tournament in the future."
"Actually Ash," Professor Oak began as reality flickered, Arceus finally realizing what his opponent had done, "there is an upcoming event which might intrigue you."
"Really?" Ash sounded genuinely interested, as did Pikachu.
"In three years time, there will be a World Championship. Trainers from all over the world will compete for the title of Pokemon Master. Many of your old opponents will probably be there: Jeanette, Ritchie, Harrison, Katie, Morrison, Tyson...you get the idea."
"Sounds awesome!" Ash agreed as Darkern scowled.
"Awesome? Awesome!? This is supposed to be your time to prove your superiority, to prove everyone wrong!"
"Prove who wrong?" Arceus quipped.
Darkern didn't answer, and instead started writing things for Oak to say. "The best trainers are already entering periods of intensive training for the tournament," Darkern said through Professor Oak. "You are strong Ash, but if you spend those three years finding and training three new teams while the rest do nothing but sit around at my lab, you will be at a disadvantage."
At the behest of Darkern's scripting, Oak pulled out a map and pointed to a specific location. "As such, you should train here, at the Sinjoh Ruins. The conditions there are harsh, but there are many trainers working with their Pokemon in the wilderness, and any team that can survive such a place will be absolute monsters to defeat."
"Ash Ketchum, don't you even think about it!" Delia was going to have none of this idea that Ash should undertake dangerous training in the middle of nowhere.
Ash looked thoughtful though, so Arceus readied his pen to react. However, free will saved the day.
"Do I know anyone training there?" Ash asked.
The Professor looked contemplative. "Hmm...I know for a fact that at least Jeanette Fisher, Barry, Paul, and Katie are training there, but I admit I don't know enough to say who else might be."
At that Ash shook his head. "In that case, I'm gonna say no. I don't want to fight with Paul over training spots or argue with him over 'trying to find out his team's secrets' or something silly like that."
"So, Ash's mother asks the Professor about other options," Arceus declared as one of his ethereal arms made the edit.
Darkern hastily added, "...for her son to train to be a champion like he should be." Thankfully though, Delia did not say it how Darkern meant.
"Professor, is there any place Ash can train without him going missing for years? Why can't he just train here at your lab?"
"Because Delia, the last time he did that, evil spirits got lose and Team Rocket attacks tripled my insurance policies! No...you need a different place to train, and I think I've got it!"
Arceus eyed Darkern, wondering what he had just put down.
"There is an island that I own miles off shore. It's an island filled with Pokemon, a reserve kept far from people. I once sent a photographer, your old friend Todd Snap, to take photos there years ago. It's been untouched ever since, but as I understand it the communications center still works, and reports from a crew shipwrecked there claim that the island had experienced an inexplicable influx of Pokemon not native to the Kanto region."
"No, no, no!" Darkern yelled as his fist hit the pedestal upon which the book lay. "Pokemon Snap is not worthy of training a realwarrior! He needs to go to Agony Isle! Or Doom Isle! Or Pain Isle! Or..."
"Sure Professor, that sounds good!" Ash said, his words synced to those that Arceus had written. "Hey mom, I can even call you once a week from there! Sounds awesome, right?"
"Excellent Ash! Oh, but before you go I want to upgrade your Pokedex to survey the island for me—I want a better idea what is going on at the island. Also, I should be able to set it up so you can take all of your Pokemon with you and have them out all at once!"
"Thanks Professor! That'll be totally awesome!" Ash cheered. Pikachu prodded him, and nervously Ash added, "Hey mom, can you help me figure out how to tell Serena I might not be traveling with her again in a way that won't hurt her feelings?"
Darkern started to make an edit, but Arceus was already a step ahead. "Don't worry, we'll think of something," Delia assured her son. "We wouldn't want Serena or any of your friends to get mad at you, would we?"
The sound of Darkern's teeth grinding could be heard as Arceus blew a raspberry.
The boat sped off into the distance, leaving Ash and his Pokemon alone on the island. With him was every Pokemon he had at Professor Oak's lab, and scattered across the rocky beach were dozens of crates filled with food, water, Pokeballs, clean clothes (his mother had been particularly enthusiastic about the fact he had clean underwear), and other supplies he would need during his stay.
"Well...we're here everyone," Ash said as he pointed to an unnatural structure at the other end of the beach. "Now, let's go check out our home base! Tauros, I hope you're all ready!"
His Tauros mooed in ferocious agreement, each one tied to one or two supply crates, and began to pull their cargo with unstoppablestrength. Thus began the march of Ash and his Pokemon, a procession so grand that the only thing it was missing was a certain song about the migration of mammoths.
Darkern and Arceus watched, the moving image in the Hall of Origin giving them a bird's eye view of the beach, with the darkly clad knight seething in rage at the sight of the Tauros.
"So many trades he could have made with them. He didn't have to give up all of them, just the other 29. 29 Tauros...he could have gone to a Pokemon swap meet and gotten Onix and Rhyhorn and so many other Pokemon that would have decimated that demon cow!"
"Oh, so you're afraid of Whitney's Milktank then," Arceus said as Darkern looked away.
"I do not fear that damn fast food product."
"I don't believe you," Arceus said smugly. It seemed odd though that Darkern had left Ash alone during his journey. He at leastexpected him to do something like, say, conjure a storm that would blow Ash off to an island to master archery and other survival techniques. "Seeing as you're still here, I assume you're not done being a manipulative little creep. So, what is it you want to do?"
"This island will be where I refine him into cold obsidian," Darkern declared as he began to write his plan.
"As Ash led his caravan of Pokemon to the communications center, he discovered that it was in disarray..." He looked up at Arceus, who hadn't moved.
"It's an abandoned structure on a deserted island. Isla Sorna was hardly well maintained," Arcues replied as Ash and his companions came upon the concrete structure. It was definitely a mess, with cracked stone walls, several holes in the roof, vines that grew overeverything, broken windows, and a complete lack of a front door.
"Well...this place is a mess," Ash said. All of his Pokemon either nodded or exclaimed agreement.
"This is the moment I've been waiting for!" Darkern declared eagerly. "Now, let your spirit be broken by the desolate state of mankind!"
"But hey, it's nothing we can't handle," Ash said with bountiful enthusiasm. "Alright, Leavanny, can you see if you can fix up the windows? Muk, help clean up all the broken glass and debris. Heracross, Sceptile, Hawlucha, see if you can find some wood so we can use it to make repairs. The rest of you guys, either help move the crates inside or look around and make sure there's nothing dangerous nearby."
The Pokemon acknowledged their orders and went to work. Leavanny used String Shot to plug up the windows, doing his best to make it as strong and long lasting as possible. Muk began to gleeful absorb all the trash he could find, his body breaking it down to use as energy. Heracross went off and found a dead tree, which Sceptile and Hawlucha prompted cut up to form a crude door. Pikachu and Bulbasaur darted in front of Ash to begin dividing the remaining Pokemon into teams, with Pikachu starting with Greninja to help sweep the premises, and Bulbasaur choosing Kingler to help move the crates.
Darkern watched the events unfold with the utmost astonishment, unbelieving of the amount of teamwork they were demonstrating."What the...how is this possible? I wrote that he'd break down into a ball of misery and suffering!"
Arceus didn't point out that Darkern had only said that he'd write it, watching bemused as Darkern ranted and raved for the entirety of the time Ash and his Pokemon moved into their new base. In fact, Darkern kept ranting all the way into the next day, when Ash got off the comfortable stomach of his Snorlax and punched the sky.
"Okay guys, today we start training for real! Who's ready for a morning run around the island, as far as we can go?"
Every Pokemon not named Snorlax eagerly agreed, though Oshawott had to be elbowed by Snivy first.
Darkern continued to rant, and just as Arceus was beginning to wonder if this would go on for eternity, the darkly clad knight paused."...wait a moment, I forgot to write it down!"
"It took you that long to figure it out?" Arceus quipped as Darkern quickly scribbled down his next command.
"But little did Ash know that he'd be confronted by a flock of lethal Gyarados, who prepared to fire Hyper Beams right at Pikachu..."
About a quarter-mile into the run, Ash and his Pokemon stopped as several blue serpents emerged from the sea, howling in ragebefore charging up Hyper Beams.
"...who promptly curb-stomped them all." Arceus stated, but did not write.
"Pikachu, Thunderbolt!"
Pikachu leapt at the great beasts, glowing yellow with electrical might.
"Pika chuuu!"
The bolt of lightning connected with all the Gyarados, who shrieked and cut off their attack before swimming back out to sea. Pikachu landed as everyone let out a sigh of relief.
"Man, that was a close one," Ash said as he and his entourage resumed their jog.
Darkern looked at Arceus in astonishment. "What was...how did he...?"
"If you want to murder Pikachu, might I suggest a Ground-type next time?" Arceus joked.
Darkern glared at him, and then quickly scribbled some names down.
A minute later, an angry looking Golem, Rhyperior, Marowak, Claydol, Hippowdown, Excadrill, Seismitoad, and Krookodile jumped out of the bushes and launched themselves at Pikachu.
"Heh! Let's see you try to save Pikachu now, Arceus!"
Without hesitation, Ash yelled, "Greninja use Water Shuriken, Bayleaf and Bulbasaur use Razor Leaf, Totodile use Water Gun, Oshawot and Palpitoad use Hydro Pump, Snivy and Sceptile use Leaf Storm, and Glalie and Goodra use Ice Beam!"
Various elemental beams and leafy projectiles lanced out and struck the attackers, most of whom flew into the sky before disappearing into little twinkles of light. Golem however, due to it's heavy weight, hit the side of a cliff with considerable force, leaving a large indent as he fell out and rolled towards Ash.
"I don't need to when free will does the job for me," Arceus quipped as Ash quickly went to check over Golem. "Funny that, how most of the time it works out in my favor rather than yours."
"Oh man, Golem doesn't look that good," Ash said as he looked over the Rock type. "It's really banged up, and needs help quickly." Ash pulled out a Pokeball from his pocket, staring at it with a frown. "We can't carry you back, so I have to do this. Maybe when you're better, you can explain why you were so upset." Ash tapped the Pokeball against Golem, who was energized and pulled in with no resistance. Putting the Pokeball on his belt, Ash turned to face his team and yelled, "Back to base everyone, Golem needs our help!"
"A Golem," Darkern said, his voice deadpan.
"Yes. A Golem. A Ground and Rock type," Arceus replied.
Darkern repeatably slammed his hand into the pedestal. "Of all the Pokemon Ash could catch—the good Eeveelutions, Lucario, Tyranitar and Salamence, Legendary Pokemon, all of them more than enough to turn him into a real trainer—and the first Pokemon he captures is a Golem!? Do you even realize just how badly that thing's been power-creeped!? It's a disgrace!"
"You're the one that summoned it," Arceus pointed out. "Although now that you bring it up, maybe I should do something to rectify that."
Arceus pondered how to do so for a few moments.
"Mega or Alola form, what do you think?"
Darkern didn't respond, even as Ash made it back to base, put Golem's Pokeball in a healing machine, and let it out so that Pikachucould ask it why it attacked them.
The Golem scratched his head, and looked genuinely unsure.
"Wait, are you saying you don't remember?!" Ash asked. Golem nodded, and in response Ash in turned to his flyers: Charizard, Noctowl, Heracross, Swellow, Starraptor, Gliscor, Unfeazant, Talonflame, and Noivern.
"Alright you guys, fly over the island and see if you can spot anything unusual. This sounds like something Team Rocket would do, and if they're here then we've got to stop them! This island is a protected place, and we can't let them get away with whatever they're planning." His flying types nodded and took off, disappearing into the sky as they scattered in different directions.
Knowing that Darkern had caused the attack and that Ash would find nothing, Arceus decided to be prudent and make a quick edit in the book to make sure that the trainer wouldn't waste his time searching. As He did though, the Creator of All couldn't help but wander if Darkern had not only edited the attack, but the very Pokemon themselves into existence.
Ash watched them leave, and then turned his attention back to the communications center. "You know, Snorlax's belly is comfy, but I'm kind of scared that he'll roll over me in his sleep, and there aren't any usable beds around here. Sleeping bags are nice and all, but I'd kind of like to have a normal bed for once." Ash looked at his remaining Pokemon and said, "What do you think guys, can we make a bed while we wait for them to get back?"
His Pokemon exchanged thoughtful look before nodding.
Darkern didn't respond to Arceus's edit, even as hours past and Torterra brought in a flock of wild Mareep to be sheered by Krookodilewhile Leavanny and Ash prepared a frame. It was worrying him that Darkern had been quiet for so long. Perhaps it was a ploy to get him to leave?
Eventually the flying types returned with nothing to report, but Ash only sort of heard them. He was too busy looking at the mattress he and his Pokemon had made, complete with thick Mareep blankets.
"Wow...I didn't think it would be this big. Would this even fit in my room back home?"
"Leav...?' Leavanny asked, sounding a little hurt.
"I'm not saying it's bad, not at all!" Ash insisted. "It's just, I think it could fit a whole lot more than just me in it."
Bayleef bayed in agreement before jumping onto the bed and curling up. She was quickly joined by Totodile, Oshawott, and Quilava, who all promptly started snoring.
"Okay I guess this can work," Ash said, bemused as he watched his sleeping Pokemon. "Although I'm going to have to figure out a way to wash the sheets. I didn't see any washing machines"
Arceus noted Darkern's visage change, his gaze focused solely on the bed, though oddly enough he did not act on it.
"Why did Ash replace Water Pulse with Water Shuriken?! Talk about a downgrade."
"This isn't an RPG Darkern; what Pokmeon do with their moves is not something Ash can control," Areceus replied. "Or did I miss the part when Ash asked his Pokemon to forget a move for him?"
"That the point—he doesn't make them forget their crappy moves for better ones!" Darkern yelled back. "What kind of trainer lets their Greninja keep Cut!?"
The Creator of All rolled his eyes. "You know, moves are useful for more than just damaging the opponent Darkern. Sceptile is one of Ash's most powerful Pokemon, and he used Bullet Seed; before it got buffed."
Why did He do that anyway? Oh well, questions for later.
As the two continued to bicker, the moving image showed Ash on the beach, gathering his Pokemon together in order to begin the day's training. "Alright guys, today we're going to do some serious training," Ash declared as his Pokemon watched him with interest. "I want to see where everyone is at right now, and I think I've thought up the best way to do it."
Arceus and Darkern stopped arguing long enough to watch as Ash reached into his jacket and pulled something out. It was a worn-looking baseball cap, white on the front, red on the back, with a like-colored brim and a bright green, stylized "L" on the front that was unmistably the Pokemon League Expo logo.
"Is that...his original hat?" Darkern asked.
"I do believe it is," Arceus answered.
Ash dusted the hat off and then held it out at arm's length. "So, who wants to be the other trainer?"
Arceus and Darkern's jaws dropped as they witnessed the strangest, yet possibly most awesome scene ever: Charizard putting on Ash's hat and pointing dramatically while shouting in his own tongue. Ash's strongest Fire type then marched over to Pignite, and with a quick nod silently agreed to battle together. Ash sent out Corphish, and then a battle erupted between Ash's Water type and Charizard's borrowed Fire type.
"What just...happened?" Darkern asked.
"Ash had an idea," Arceus said simply, even as Darkern summoned something in a torrent of shadows and hellfire in his outstretched palm. He began reading it, and Arceus felt Himself tense in preparation of whatever Darkern was planning.
But Darkern didn't do anything for the entire time that Ash and Charizard battled, both of them continuously swapping Pokemon until Ash's entire roster had gotten at least one fight in. As the last fight concluded, both Ash and Charizard collapsed in a tired heap, surrounded by their exhausted teammates, they and everyone else satisfied by what had overall been an excellent training to take advantage of his exhaustion, Totodile reached to take the hat from Charizard, but the Flame Pokemon glared at the little creature and sent him running away.
Ash got back up, a beaming smile on his face, and it was then that Darkern's pen finally made contact with the book.
"Good job everyone, you're all looking good!" Ash said proudly. "So, that good me thinking of some ideas for training ideas, and I've decided that..."
"We need more status moves!" Darkern declared dramatically.
"We should ensure that all of us have a diverse set of ranged and close range attacks!" Arceus responded.
"We should have someone else besides Goodra that can set up weather!"
"We should try to cover as many types as possible!"
"Evolve!"
"Work with what you have now and choose if or when you want to evolve!"
"EV training!"
"Interesting, Contest-inspired movements!"
The editiing war continued, each of them trying to set up what Ash was going to say to his Pokemon...
"BBbbbbbblloohhohofofo gigigofof, froafrkicur paiafiroa," said Ash, who promptly covered his mouth in absolute shock. Arceus and Darkern stopped writing and watched as all of Ash's Pokemon looked at their trainer like he was a madman.
"Sorry everyone...I must have gotten so excited that I tried to say too much at once. Let me try again; while I was in Kalos I saw a lot of people with Pokemon that had some really cool attacks. I fought a Sceptile that knew Dragon Pulse and Dragon Claw, a Charizardwith Thunderpunch and Dragon Claw, and an Unfeazant who could use Steel Wing and Sky Attack. Do any of those moves sound like something you'd like to learn?"
The specified Pokemon looked thoughtful, and as Darkern looked at Arceus funnily.
"No, that wasn't me; it's normal for Ash to teach his Pokemon new moves. Let's see...he's taught Aerial Ace, Energy Ball, Brave Bird, sort of Ice Punch, Double Team...I'm pretty sure that's everything. Does it sound like I missed any to you?"
Darkern didn't respond, and it was now that the screen began to skip around the universe's timeline a little. An entire week passed within seconds, stopping to show Ash once again on the beach working with his Pokemon.
"So Darkern...are we going for a strict four move limit, or for something a bit more flexible?" Arceus asked. "I'd appreciate you telling me so I know how to respond."
Darkern looked at Ash for a moment, and then loudly gave his answer. "Fuck the limit!"
"Then I shall enforce it," Arceus quipped as he scribbled into the book. "All Pokemon can only have four moves at a time, no exceptions."
What followed was the nastiest, most vile curse word that Arceus had ever heard spoken. It was a sound beyond description, a cacophony of syllables and inflections so horrid, so utterly wretched that it could make the damned weep and rend souls from their mortal bodies, leaving nothing but cold, chilled husks in its wake. Were Arceus a lesser deity, the curse might have even been able to damage Him, but as it was it simply made him slightly nauseous.
Darkern immediately followed it up with the much more mundane, "Well fuck you too, you damned...horse god...thing!"
"Llama, actually," Arceus corrected nonchalantly. "Also, me, a 'damned horse god thing'? No...you are in the wrong world for a horse god."
Darkern did not ask what worlds had horse gods.
Two more weeks came and went, with Ash and his Pokemon's training well underway. The movesets that developed left a twitch in Darkern's eye, not helped by the fact that several of them were the result of Arceus picking them at random.
Noctowl: Foresight, Extrasensory, Air Slash, Sky Attack
Swellow: Quick Attack, Aerial Ace, Double Team, Boomburst
Oshawott: Fury Cutter, Razor Shell, Aqua Jet, Hydro Pump
Hawlucha: Flying Press, High Jump Kick, X-Scissor, Dual Chop, Burning Justice (What even was that anyway?)
Bayleaf: Vine Whip, Body Slam, Magical Leaf, Secret Power
"So...not...OP..." he muttered.
"I rather like them; they feel very 'Ash'," Arceus replied.
"The only thing that's going to feel like ash is the charred remains of the boy's chance to become the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was."
"You know saying those words all capital and serious like that doesn't help, right?"
"Perhaps the move pools can be improved, when they grow stronger..." Darkern said to himself. "Yes...in fact I say that time is now! It's time to start evolving!"
Darkern's declaration made Arceus tense, knowing the many ways that this could go wrong.
"Every trainer should evolve their Pokemon as soon as possible!" Darkern continued. "There is no reason to let them stay the way there are."
"Spore," Arceus pointed out. "Also, you are aware that, again, this is not an RPG? Evolution is a process, not something triggered at level X. True, there are items that can cause evolution, but Ash has very few Pokemon who qualify."
"What does it matter when I have the Book of Fate in front of me?" Darkern declared as he began to write.
"Ash's first evolved Pokemon will be his Bu..."
"...bumbling Oshawott!" Sadly He couldn't save all of them from being forced, but he could at least protect those who absolutely did not want to evolve.
Darkern blinked in surprise, even as the moving image at their side began to play something that would make a nice 22 odd minute televised entertainment product.
But, skipping ahead a bit past the build up, the visual window showed two Pokemon alone and battling on the beach; Ash's panting Oshawoot, and a Farfetch'd with three leeks—one in each wing, with the third in his beak. Scallop met leek as they exchanged blows, their battle a whirlwind of Furry Cutters and Slashes, with the occasional Razor Shell or Leaf Blade thrown in for good measure.
Regardless, one thing was clear—Farfetch'd was winning.
Oshawott was pushed back by a powerful slashing attack and dropped to one knee. Fartetch'd eyed him with some level of disappointment, before raising two green glowing stalks in preparation for the final Leaf Blade.
"Oshawott!" Ash shouted as he ran towards the scene of the fight. Oshawott turned to see his trainer, who had been looking for him, and determination flared in his eyes. Said determination manifested as an intense white glow that covered his entire body.
3-Leek Style Farfetch'd watched as his opponent changed, growing a few inches taller and producing a second scallop.
The glow vanished, as a new Pokemon stood where Oshawott once was.
"Dewott!"
"Awesome!" Ash grinned. Farfetch'd eyed the newly evolved Pokemon, before preparing to attack once more.
And so Three-Leek Style clashed with Dual-Scallop Style.
"What the...why the hell is there a Zoro Farfetch'd!?" Darkern said angrily as the battle continued to play out. "Why isn't that thingimitating a real swordsman, like Guts or Levi?"
"Considering that of the three, Zoro probably requires the least amount of therapy..."
"You say that like it's a bad quality for a hero?"
Arceus didn't reply.
The battle between the two weapon using Pokemon ended and Ash took his exhausted Pokemon back to base. Time sped up, skipping the events of the rest of that evening, and resumed at the dawn of the next day. Ash woke up to find a Farfetch'd—the same Farfetch'd from yesterday—sitting at the front of his bed.
Ash looked at Farfetch'd, and Farfetch'd looked at him.
"...let me guess, you want to fight some more?"
Farfetch'd nodded.
"Who do you want to fight?"
Farfetch'ds spread his wings out wide, sticking his mouth leek upwards. Ash read the declaration clearly.
"You want to fight everything?"
Farfetch'd nodded, before gesturing towards an empty Pokeball that lay in a milk carton at the side of Ash's bed.
"You want to join me?"
Farfetch'd nodded, even as Darkern reached for his pen.
"No, no, and ultra super no! Ash will not have a Farfetch'd in my story! Ash refuses to allow..."
"...Farfetch'd to wait any longer," Arceus scribbled as Ash got out of bed and dashed for his ball crate.
"Only to find that it was..."
"Lemon scented now!"
Ash stopped at the crate and sniffed it.
"Huh, that's an odd smell. Ah well." He picked up a lemony scented ball and said, "Time to recruit a new friend!"
Darkern's eyes bulged out of his eye slit, and Arceus suspected his tongue was impacting against his armor as well.
Darkern's flaming popping eyes lasted well into the next training session, which involved Ash going on a run around the beach with Farfetch'd, Dewott, Heracross, Goodra, and Donphan, and somehow ending up in a glowing rainbow cloud when Farfetch'd briefly was up front.
The eyes eventually went back inside the armor and Darkern was back to his old ways.
"Well if Ash is going to keep picking crap Pokemon, then I guess I'll just have to show him what good Pokemon look like."
"Let me guess; you're going to give him a Riolu?" Arceus said dryly.
"Of course!" Darkern replied. "After all, Ash needs to master aura in order to become a true hero!"
"Why?"
"It allows him to reach his full potential."
"How?"
"It will give him an edge on his opponents?"
"In what way?"
Darkern decided not to answer and instead put pen to book.
"Ash captures a R..."
"Rufflett."
The screen shimmered, moving ahead to show Ash on a mountain watching Boldore, Snorlax, Pignite, Infernape, and Scraggy smash rocks. The shrill screech of a distressed bird pierced the air and made both human and Pokemon stop what they were doing.
"What the...a Pokemon needs our help!"
Darkern watched, annoyed but less so than usual, as Ash found a fledgling Ruflett who had yet to leave the nest and helped him, eventually leading to his deciding to join Ash's team.
"A real american eagle huh? I can almost accept that," Darkern said as he watched Ash help Ruflett build a nest for himself in their base. "Well, if Ash is going to get a baby Pokemon and repeat the Scraggy and Noibat plots, it's only fair that he should get something stronger to balance it out!" With pen in hand, Darkern began writing again.
"Ash finds and adds to his team a R..."
"Relicanth."
Darkern stared dumbly at Arceus's edit. Arceus didn't change expression.
"You know that's a fish, right?"
"Yes."
"You could have at least said Remoraid; at least that thing evolves into something that can fight on land."
"True," Arceus mused as the screen showed Ash begin his next day with a swim with his Water-Pokemon, and promptly colliding head on with the hard-headed fish.
"If you are so insistent on sabotaging Ash like this, then you leave me no choice but to switch to giving Ash other important Pokemon he needs to be considered a real trainer! Now, Ash Ketchum, I write that you shall obtain the Evolution Pokemon, E..."
"Ekans!"
Darkern banged his head against the pedestal as Ash encountered a crashed plane in the forest a week after he ran into Relicanth.
Darkern eventually stopped, the dent in his helmet repairing itself to the accompaniment of the screams of the damned, and began to write and speak in rapid succession.
"Ash will capture a Riolu! Ash will capture an Eevee! Ash will recapture his Pidgeot! Ash will finally evolve his Pi—"
"Pignite!" Arceus said, having seen through Darkern's charade and acting on the only edit he'd actually written, the first three being mere distractions.
Sorry Porkie, but Pikachu evolving was a no-go.
As the shimmering vision showed the newly evolved Emboar, the process triggered by defeating a powerful Machamp covered in red berry juice, fist-bumping a proud-looking Charizard, an unsettling thought crossed Arceus' mind.
Darkern was getting more clever.
Six months passed on Pokemon Island, and during that time Ash developed a routine. He would wake up at the crack of dawn, getting up and watching bemusedly as a mated pair of wild Minccino that moved in with him began to make his bed with meticulous care. He would then shower, change his clothes, brush his teeth, eat with his team, and then begin yet another day of intense and varied training. And as the sun rose over the island, and Ash woke up and let out a jaw-stretching yawn, it was clear that today wouldn't be any different.
It was also clear that during those six months, Arceus and Darkern's edit war had affected Ash and his team greatly.
Ash's original team of Pokemon now consisted of Pikachu, Greninja, Talonflame, Hawlucha, Goodra, Noivern, Bulbasaur, Charizard, Kingler, Muk, his 30 Tauros, Snorlax, Heracross, Bayleaf, Typhlosion, Croconaw, Noctowl, Donphan, Swellow, Sceptile, Crawdaunt, Torkoal, Glalie, Starraptor, Torterra, Infernape, Buizel, Gliscor, Gible, Unfeazant, Dewott, Emboar, Servine, Scraggy, Leavanny, Seismitoad, Gigalith, and Krookodile.
And during his time on the island, Ash—either by edit or by fate—had captured a Golem, Farfetch'd, Arbok, Vulpix, Diglett, Exeggcute, Natu, Quagsire, Girafarig, Sneasel, Houndour, Milktank, Relicanth, Ralts, Loudred, Swablu, Nuzleaf, Meditite, Mothim, Rotom, Riolu, Drifloon, Kricketune, Budew, Rufflett, Petillil, Mienfoo, Golett, Durant, Skiddo, Swirlix, Helioisk, Floette, Klefki, Pangoro, Rowlett, Litten, Popplio, Mudbray, Salandit, and Pikipek.
Darkern had managed to slip in a few of his choices, but not nearly enough to be satisfied. Arceus, on the other hand, was starting to get really, really tired of this. Shouldn't Darkern have declared Ash 'ruined forever' and run off to pretend he didn't care about the franchise anymore? That's how this was supposed to work; people like him would leave and not come back until someone used words like 'Grimlock', 'Mega Charizard', 'Jack Atlas', or 'Derpy' in relation to an upcoming game, episode, or movie.
As the training continued on screen, Darkern readied his pen for another edit.
"Ash will gain impeccable muscle mass."
Arceus wondered if there was something he should do in this situation, but the edit seemed harmless enough. Assuming Ash had agedof course.
Wait a minute...did He ever fix that clock?
Arceus discretely sent one of his ethereal arms back into the Hall of Origins to where he kept his clocks...and tapped it slightly. When nothing substantial happened, Arceus applied a little more force, causing the vision of Ash to fuzz out completely
"What in the name of the Distortion World just happened?" Darkern yelled.
Arceus rolled His eyes "Must people always make that comparison? Giratina and the Distortion World are Lovecraftian, not satanic." Itwas really annoying.
The picture eventually came back, but rather than showing Ash, it showed everyone's favorite squinty-eyed lover of women, Brock. However, something was amiss with him. More specifically...
"Oh shit, a mullet!"
He now had a mullet instead of his usual spiky hair. It was such a odd sight that both Arceus and Darkern couldn't help but stare in stunned silence.
"What did you do...?" Darkern whispered.
"It appears that by fixing the clock, local time freezes, such as the one around Ash Ketchum, have been removed," Arceus said with a frown. He focused as the screen split, revealing several other gym leaders including Flannery, Lt. Surge, Whitney, Ramos, Drayden, and Candice. None of them had suddenly gained mullets, or showed any sign of a dramatic change in age.
The screens reformed into one image, refocusing once again on the astonishing sight of Brock and his Mighty Mullet.
"As Brock was exposed to these time effects for a long time, he appears to have suffered age delay. In this case, it only seems to have affected his hair style."
"But a mullet?"
"...clearly he didn't have Flint's strong roots," Arceus quipped.
Curious as to if his theory was correct, Arceus moved to check other likely victims of the time alterations and-or mullet plague. However, given that Darkern was watching and might be tempted to start editing, He would have to start with someone who was absolute repulsive to the darkly-clad knight.
With that in mind, Arceus decided to check in on Ash's fourth female traveling companion, Iris. Said wild-haired dragon master was currently crouched on a tree branch and rubbing her head, visibly taller than before. Her tireless partner Axew was looking at her,concern and confusion evident in his eyes.
"I swear that tree must have shrunk Axew...I had no problem fitting in it just a moment ago. Also, did you just shrink?"
The dragon shook his head in a "No, I did not shrink, you grew"-sort of way.
Darkern didn't comment, which was enough to confirm Arceus' suspicions. He could tell by the squint of his eye and the occasional shudder that Darkern was absolutely disgusted by her. To someone like Darkern, a being that expected Ash to have the brains of Shikamaru, the combat intuition of Goku, and the broodiness of Wolverine, Iris was so repulsive that he couldn't tear himself away from his apprehension long enough to question what was going on.
It also seemed to confirm that people who had ages in a set relation to Ash's had experienced severe alterations in order to uphold said relations. If Arceus had to theorize, those meant to be only slightly older than Ash (like Mullet Boy, Clemont, and Cilan), slightly younger (like Max and Bonnie), or who had a student or apprentice role (May and Dawn) would experience only slight changes, though more drastic with the last two than the former 5 combined. Traveling companions that were closer to him in age would probably be most affected—for example, Iris, Misty, and Serena, the latter-most of whom was Ash's age exactly...whatever that was before He'd hit the clock.
Arceus would have checked, but given that it was likely that several years of puberty had probably been very kind to each of the girls, alongside other factors such as Dawn's sense of fashion and Serena's Kalosian stereotypes, another edit war with Darkern was morethan likely.
It was probably safer to go back to Ash, and so He did.
Darkern's attention returned to Ash, who like Iris and to an extent Brock had aged, albeit mercifully did not have a mullet. Ash did, however, need a shave, and Arceus couldn't help but notice that Darkern's edits about the boy's muscle mass had indeed come true.
"Man, my face itches..." Ash complained, either unaware of the change in age or having come to terms with it while they weren't looking. His eyes wandered, settling on a fin sticking out of the surface of the water before brightening with the light of an idea.
"Hey Bayleef, could you throw me that Sharpedo with Vine Whip?"
Arceus had no words as the boy who sparked a universal edit war was thrown a Sharpedo, and promptly used its rough skin to shave his face, completely unperturbed by the angry shark's attempts to bite off his arm.
"That is...Manly!" Darkern declared approvingly, as noted by the way he seemed to capitalize the word.
"I think we now know why Ash didn't grow any facial hair during his adventures," Arceus deadpanned.
A week passed for the newly pubescent Ash, and during that time Darkern never paused in his quest to mold and edit Ash to his liking.
He wrote that Ash would have great levels of stamina and endurance. Arceus was pretty sure that was already a thing.
He tried to write that Ash had amazing skills with his tongue. Arceus wasn't sure why Darkern wanted Ash to be a good orator, so Heedited that one into being that his tongue skills were to avoid biting it.
At three different points he tried to write it so Ash had a very large... Well, needless to say Arceus changed it to mean Ash would have a very large and healthy heart, lungs, and small intestine that would pose no threat to his health whatsoever.
Meanwhile, Ash continued his training, and in the process got into a variety of misadventures that included Croconaw forming a dance team with a Bellossom, Sudowoodo, Ludicolo, and four Oricorio; Snorlax trying to eat Swirlix after being hit by Confuse Ray; and an incident in which a Sandygast and a Palossand hypnotized Ash and most of his team, leaving only those who had not fully evolved (besides Pikachu) left to rescue them.
However, not even soul-sucking sand castles could halt the edit wars.
"...and Ash let the Raikou go on its way with a friendly word and a much needed Rawst berry," Arceus finished, foiling Darkern's latest attempt to give Ash a legendary Pokemon and leaving the black knight fuming.
"You know, you are really irritating. Vexing, even. Really, really bad. Yet, I only just now realize...you are yourself a legendary Pokemon!"
"I am," Arceus said evenly. "Your point?"
Darkern let out a low chuckle as he began writing. "Ash will have a legendary..."
Arceus' eyes widened. Could that book actually get him? Now was not the time to find out.
"...sized ma..." Arceus decided that the best response here was to have Ash obtain a giant Magikarp. Surely that would finish this fool once and for—
Darkern cackled like a madman, interrupting Arceus and starting up after the letters "m-a".
"Ma" turned from "Magikarp" to "man", and following that was the word...
Arceus took a step back as Darkern rose, an overwhelming sense of triumph in his every move.
"Yes. Now I have done it! Since Ash first made that bed, I've been studying you closely to learn your weaknesses, thinking of the best way to manipulate you into allowing things to progress as I have dictated! Ash is on his way to becoming as strong as I am...now he shall definitely become the pinnacle of manliness, a true warrior! Now that I have increased his physical capabilities, both public andprivate, to their maximum stats, there is only thing left to do! Well, aside from giving Ash ten victory trophies, a team full of evolved Pseudos, and a genius-level intellect—if I have time to get around to it."
"And what would that be?" Arceus asked.
Darkern leaned towards Arceus, madness in his eyes. Slowly, his voice oozing with a delight that bordered sounding inappropriate, Darkern Edgier said to the Creator of All:
"A harem of nubile women!"
Arceus looked at him aghast. "But this is not such a world! He isn't in a Japanese High School, nor is he Naze Turbine! Such a concept is alien to the world of Pokemon!"
"Then it's time that the Pokemon World made first contact, and now I know how to stop your blocks! I just have to write the most important details; yes, it shall be written! Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town, will have a harem consisting of only the most perfect woman for him..."
Arceus immediately noticed the loophole and sent a pen at the book. If he couldn't stop this, he could at least try and keep it as realistic as possible.
"Yes, I can see it now...the best and hottest woman in Pokemon. Cynthia, Lorelei, Sabrina, Clair, Flannery, Elesa, Skyla, Hilda in those shorts of hers...yes I can see it all now! The potential for hot and powerful girls are endless! Now, let it be..." Darkern was stopped cold as he saw that the sentence had been finished for him, with it ending in a...
"A period!" Darkern declared in fury.
The crisis averted, Arceus's slapped himself with 99 of His 100 arms. He could have prevented so much of this if He had just used periods. Why didn't He think of that earlier!?
There would be time to think about how he could have prevented this plot later. He had a speech to give!
"In your blind quest to create the ultimate power fantasy, projected on someone else so that you may live vicariously through them, you made many mistakes. One of which was planning to bring in a character who doesn't even exist in the same world as Ash Ketchum. You do realize he never met Hilda, and never will?"
And even if he did, she would probably end up looking completely different, just like the Kris-Lyra thing, and would thus probably not have those shorts that everyone seemed to like.
"Your biggest mistake, however, was trying to create a relationship based solely on physical attractiveness and power, without giving thought to compatibility! None of the women you wanted Ash to be with had been with him long enough to form any kind of significant relationship, and half of them are old enough he'd be more likely to look at them as mentors or older family members instead. You aimed too high Darkern, and in doing so not only failed to reach the moon, but missed all the stars as well!"
Darkern ground his teeth, seething with true fury.
"I can't remove your words from the book, as fate cannot be changed. The words in that book tell of what is and what will be, and while it is possible to embellish its contents they cannot be rewritten. Instead, I have made your scenario as realistic as possible, usingsome of Ash's closest companions. Companions that have stood up to evil teams, encountered countless legendaries, and provided unflinching in the most dire of situations, in the process creating strong bonds! Bonds so strong, in fact, that no matter what form they may take with Ash they will be built upon the most solid foundation in the the multiverse."
Their names shone in blue in the Book of Fate.
Misty
May
Dawn
Iris
Serena
"But...but they are not worthy..." Darkern mumbled as Arceus started chuckling. "They're nothing but a bunch of annoying...worthless...whiny...purposeless...no oppai...!"
"If it helps, they aged up alongside Ash when I fixed the clock," Arceus offered.
"I can still fix this... I Can Still Fix This!"
"You're capitalizing again," Arceus pointed out as Darkern rose his pen once more and began slashing down letters.
"You can't stop me this time! I will fix what you broke!"
Darkern howled with maddened laughter as he wrote in the Book of Fate, his every movement exaggerated in a way that was meant to look grandiose, but coming from him was silly more than anything else. Arceus saw what he was writing and remained still, even as Darkern delivered the final stroke as if he had just written in a Death Note.
"Yes...now this will work. So the book declares: They will all be bisexual! Alone they might not be that attractive, but combined they may be able to even reach the level of a single Cynthi!." Darkern howled laughter at Arceus, who didn't even react. "What's wrong? Has my genius intellect finally proven too much for you to handle?"
"First of all," Arceus began, in a tone of voice that made it clear that Darkern's idiocy had thoroughly exhausted Him, "just because you made them bisexual doesn't mean they'd be attracted to one another. A straight man won't be attracted to every woman he meets, and neither will a straight woman be attracted to every man. Matching sexual orientation does not ensure a romantic relationship."
Darkern looked considerably less cocky than before.
"Second, there's a problem with your wording," Arceus continued. "I don't think that sentence means what you think it means."
"Oh really? Please, oh mighty creator, do enlighten me to what I did wrong."
"For one, you said, 'They will all be bisexual.' You did not say, 'Misty, May, Dawn, Iris, and Serena will be bisexual.' You didn't evensay, 'All women will be bisexual.' No, you made everyone bisexual—including Ash."
Arceus's calm delivery contrasted with Darkern's rapidly growing horror.
"No..."
"Yes."
"Noo..."
"Yes."
"Noooooo!"
"Yes. Even if you had been right to assume that turning the girls bisexual would make them rush to get into bed with each other, that would have meant Ash would do the same with his male acquaintences. That means Gary, and James, and Alain, and Sawyer, and Tierno, and Cameron, and Paul, and Trip, and..."
Darkern stepped away from the book, dropping his pen and looking at his armored hands as if they had just been in a latrine.
"No! I...Ash is not...that is not what I...this is not canon...this is not real...!"
Arceus promptly leaped over the Book of Fate, landing between it and Darkern.
"Oh, but I can assure you, this is very real," Arceus said as all 100 of his ethereal arms moved around him in preparation of finallyremoving this pest from his Great Hall. "Any last words before I very literally punt you into another dimension?"
At first, Darkern said nothing, and for one fleeting moment Arceus thought that maybe he had chosen to except his defeat with dignity. Suddenly, the knight of black and red which had so thoroughly frustrated the Creator of All looked up and started chuckling. "You know, even if I didn't get what I wanted...I can at least take comfort in the fact that I managed to change as much as I did. Your precious Ash Ketchum has been changed irrevocably, and despite your best efforts not even you could prevent me from doing that much. If nothing else, despite the fact that the Status Quo is literally God, I have, in some small way, managed to thwart you."
Arceus watched as Darkern laughed softly, thinking about what the latter had just said. It was kind of cruel what He was about to do, but considering Darkern's intent to thoroughly alter the life of one of His Chosen, and the lives of those he cared for, it was well deserved.
"Just so you know, you are right about one thing," Arceus said softly.
Darkern was immediately silent. "What do you mean...?"
"Remember what you said, about this not being canon? Well, without realizing it you were more on the nose than you might have realized."
Darkern froze, his eyes wide with ultimate horror. "Wait a minute...you don't mean that—?"
"Just why would I leave something as important at the Book of Fate out in the open?" Arceus asked. "Seems rather irresponsible doesn't it, leaving something with the power to alter all of creation unguarded like that?"
Arceus took a step forward, and then lowered His head such that He was eye-level with the black knight. "That book wasn't the Book of Fate to the canon universe, but to an alternate universe—an AU if you will. The real Book of Fate is tucked away in my nightstand, safe from any meddling ne'er do wells such as yourself."
As the full extent of the futility of his actions hit home, Darkern stood up and walked a step away, cradling his head in his hands. "No...it's not true! That's impossible!"
Arceus smiled; He just couldn't resist one last reference. "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
In a moment that, were this a movie, would have been accompanied by an intense swelling of the orchestral soundtrack, Darkern Edgier looked up into the sky, held out his arms, and in a wave of overwhelming despair cried out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Arceus then promptly kicked Darkern through the ceiling and out of this universe entirely.
With the trash taken care of, Arceus took a long look at the book before sighing. "Well, might as well make sure this goes somewhat smoothly. Alternate universe or not, these are still real lives, and I'd rather not that they all meet up at this tournament that wasn't even named and each profess their love right then and there. I'll make sure there's enough time for things to develop naturally. After that, I'm going to see about adding some security to this place..."
...
Serena took a long sip of the tea that Ash's mom had offered her, glad to have finally escaped her concerned mother but thoroughly confused by what she had just been told. "You said he's on Pokemon Island?"
"Yes," Delia answered. "Professor Oak told Ash about this big tournament being held in a few years. They agreed that traveling and challenging the gyms would be too much of a distraction, and so the professor sent him off to that island." Delia took a sip of tea herself and added, "At least it's lovely there, and not at all like that horrid mountain that Samuel first suggested. I swear, I have no idea what he was thinking...!"
Serena looked down into her cup ashamedly. "A distraction, huh? You mean like watching little girls like me perform in contests?"
Delia earnestly shook her head. "Oh, don't ever think that! I know for a fact that my son cares deeply for his friends, and it sounds just like him to step aside so that they can pursue their dreams, even if it means he doesn't get to see them much. I bet that if you showed up on that island right now, he'd be absolutely ecstatic to see you! Besides, why would he go through all the trouble to make new friends just to ignore them? Does't make much sense, does it?"
Serena perked up a bit after that, and then perked up even more as she began forming an idea.
"Actually Mrs. Ketchum, do you think I could join Ash while he's training? I want to work on new performance techniques, and Ash has always been a source of inspiration..."
"Oh certainly! I mean, you might be there a while...but so will the title of Kalos Queen!"
With glistening eyes burning with determination, Serena got up from the couch and immediately went to find Professor Oak and arrange for transportation.
Serena missed Delia silently cheering in a victory, with a hint of "Finally, grandchildren!" thrown into the mix.
...
"You know...sometimes I hear people say that I have lost something since my first Kanto Grand Festival. Do you ever get that Dawn?"
Ash's two coordinator friends, May and Dawn, were sitting at a restaurant in Johto and enjoying a pleasant lunch while swapping stories both old and new. It was just before the start of the next festival season, and as fate would have it the two had managed to stumble into each other at the exact same Pokemon Center.
"Sometimes," Dawn eventually answered. "I mean, there are some people that mock me for only making the Top 4 since Sinnoh, but they tend to be pretty easy to beat."
May nodded. "True. Typically they always say something along the lines of, 'You know, you never manage to get to the final round,' or something like that..." She looked a bit ill as she added, "It usually doesn't bother me, except when Harley says it. Or Drew...I've beaten them before, but they seem to have mastered countering the way I fight, even after I tried to find my own style."
May shook her head in frustration. "It doesn't seem to matter what I do! If I fight like Ash, they beat me. If I try to do my own thing, they still beat me. It's..."
Dawn's eyes went wide as her brain made a connection, "...the same with me! Zoey, Nando, Kenny, even Ursula seem to have a better idea of how I do my contests than I do sometimes, even when I try and do something different."
Both girls had the same realization at the same time: their rivals were watching them train. It made sense...in May's case, Drew and Harley were antagonistic enough to just sneak in and watch what she did. As for Dawn, she interacted with her rivals often enough that they just naturally knew what she was working on. Either way, both groups were competitive enough that the idea that they would train to specifically beat them didn't seem implausible.
"So, if we can make sure that they don't see our training, maybe that would be enough?" Dawn wondered as May frowned.
"Your rivals are mostly friendly, but mine aren't. Drew would just walk into my camp and watch me train while eating my food. And Harley..." May shivered, imaging him watching her from a bush like Team Rocket.
"Is it odd that I would feel rude telling them to just go away?" Dawn asked.
"At least you have the option," May replied. "Drew might listen, but Harley definitely wouldn't." Suddenly, May had a flash of inspiration. "Maybe we just have to make sure they can't find us when we train."
Dawn looked at her fellow coordinator curiously before realizing what she was hinting at. "Are you talking about that message we got about Ash training on a deserted island?"
"Yeah, I am!" May replied. "If I remember right, he's going to be there for two more years. Can you imagine what we can do with two years of solid training? Although, we would be missing two seasons' worth of contests..."
"Two seasons of know-it-alls heckling us and creepy Cacturne people watching us from the bushes," Dawn pointed out.
"Well...mom did always say sometimes you need to take a break to really master something..."
...
Bursting out of the Cerulean Gym with a determined breath, Misty walked away with some confidence in her step and Azurril in her arms.
"Okay, odd sudden burst of puberty aside, everything's going to be okay," she muttered to herself as she began the well trodden path from Cerulean to Pallet that she had taken many times.
Her sisters would manage the gym, and after a few years of her drilling they could probably defeat unskilled trainers easily, and at least get lucky with the skilled.
Thankfully, her sudden growth spurt gave her a few inches on her sisters, and thoroughly dismantled their comments about her being "the runt". She could take a sabbatical from gym leading, and maybe learn a bit more about Water-Pokemon while she was doing it.
Plus, she couldn't help but feel she was missing the world.
She missed traveling with Ash, seeing new places and many new Pokemon. It made her somewhat sad to think about what she hadn't seen since she had to take back the gym again.
Hopefully, Professor Oak would know where Ash Ketchum was. Surely he wouldn't mind some company
...not that it made the walk to Pallet Town any less tedious. Without Ash to attract Jessie and James and Meowth, long walks tended to get boring, and boredom did things to you.
Like make you think of how to turn your thoughts into lyrics.
Where in the world is Ash Ketchum
Oh, Ash Ketchum
Where on earth can he be?
...and she was pants at lyrics. It was the one thing the TRio could beat her at.
...
Iris could still remember the time Ash told her about past encounters with legendary Pokemon, including seeing a Ho-Oh at the start of his journey. Had this been early in their travels together, she might have thought he was just being a kid, but then they went thoughseveral incidents that proved to her that Ash attracted legendaries to him like a Combee to honey.
Plus she had met the gym leader who knew the most about Ho-Oh, and he believed Ash had in fact seen it.
All this to question whether or not Ash had rubbed off on her, for she had been following a Rayquaza which had literally appeared out of nowhere and snatched her Gible. A Rayquaza that she had seen without Ash being within hundreds of miles of her.
Had Ash ever seen one?
Her journey had taken her to the Johto region, where she climbed mountains, swam shores, navigated dense forests, ran from some angry Miltank, stumbled upon a village of Wobbufett, and then finally made it into the cities. During these travels, one thing stood out to Iris more than anything else about the region; Johto was really big! Seriously, in the time it took her to get from Ecruteak to Goldenrod, she and Ash could have traveled to, like, five different cities in Unova! Eventually though, she broke through the never-ending monotony of Dunsparce lovers and amberite sniffers and managed to get a clear bead on where Rayquaza was flying off to.
Which, as it turned out, was a distant island off the coast of Kanto.
Iris took a deep breath, let it out, and then stood up to her full height. She and Axew knew exactly what to do.
"Okay Lapras, take us out to that island!"
...
3 Years after the Edit War began
In the tropical Hoenn region, at an island off the coast of Mossdeep City, history was about to take place. For sticking out of the sea was a great dome, the housing of a tournament hall made of gleaming marble and surrounded by thousands of beaming visitors and eager challengers, gathered together for the very first Global Champion Battlers Pokemon League Tournament.
For some, it was a place to redeem one's self, to show the world how very wrong they were.
To him, it was a place to see how strong he had become over the past three years. No matter what happened, even if he lost the tournament, there was no way he could say that those three years had been anything but a blessing.
He approached the great battling arena clad in black, not a single detail visible to the common masses. Many looked at him strangely, as if he was a mysterious and unknown entity.
He promptly blushed, and flung the black rain jacket off, revealing a friendly dark haired face with distinguishing zigzag marks and side burns.
Also a very distinct Pikachu who had been tucked away underneath the jacket.
He was dressed in blue and white, a colorful figure who had clearly been training for a long time. He noticed how people were looking at him, and shrugged.
"What, the sprinklers at registration were set off," he said nonchalantly. "Someone lit a cigarette in line..." Man those things smelled horrible! Or maybe it was the three years on a deserted island... The crowd did seem a bit overwhelming to be around; in a way, it was actually kind of off-putting.
Taking a deep breath, he brought his non-throwing hand to his face, where five self-made gold rings lay on each finger.
Among trainers this was not the oddest fashion choice; there were cosplayers about, as well as minstrels and samurai. Few would even notice the single stone fragment placed in the center of each ring.
Water Stone. Moon Stone. Dawn Stone. Leaf Stone. Fire Stone. Only six humans on the planet knew what the rings meant, and five of those people each had matching rings of their own.
It would be a challenge handling a world that frowned upon their kind of relationship—and in some places, actually made it illegal. It was a world where marriage was rare, men giving up on their dreams and living their lives as bums was common, and it was an accepted fact of life that children were born out of wedlock as trainers came and went through the cities.
However, what was a relationship—or even life itself—without a few challenges? They their eighteen month honeymoon; it was time to see how real life felt.
Plus, behind closed doors what was real life? He had heard the rooms here were huge.
"Look out world!" Ash declared as he reached into his discarded jacket and took out a brand new hat, and promptly put it on backwards. Pointing at the stadium, he declared for all to hear, "Ash Ketchum is here to win!"
"Pi pikachu!"
...
Meanwhile, in another universe, a lone figure clad in black and red armor lay motionless on the ground, knocked unconscious from the means with which he came to this world. This figure was of course Darkern Edgier, who began to stir and grumble as he finally awoke from his unintended slumber.
"Well...that was not amusing," Darkern groaned, head nauseous and his vision spinning. "Arceus, you have made me peeving mad!"
Darkern blinked behind his helmet, wondering where his swear went.
And for that matter...why did his body feel weird?
Darkern closed his eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass, and when he opened them again he stopped short of shrieking at the sight of the pastel world around him. With shaking hands, he lifted his left to his face, only to see not a hand, but a hoof. He then realized that he had wings, and a large horn jutting out of his helmet.
"Peeving brilliant, I'm in a world of pastel ponies. How disgusting..."
He was silent for a moment, and then started grinning madly.
"I shall remake this world into something better! I will teach its denizens the true meaning of misery and agony! It will be easy!"
Two half-hour adventures and a few friendship moments later, the local heroine obtained her first decorative statue in the shape of an armored villain.
Thought I'd clarify a few points that came up during the Spacebattles creation process
1st: Ash was alone on Pokemon Island for 6 months, had his female companions there non-romantically for a year, and for a year and a half they were in a relationship together. That was the Honeymoon he mentioned
2: Darkern got kicked into MLP sometime before Season 4. And yes, it was the best world to send him too: Have you ever seen MLP Fanwork? There are worlds there Darkern would go gaga for.
3: This is not a part of Reset Bloodline's main universe, though it could crossover in Ketchumverse.