Author's Note & Disclaimer: I don't own any of the FF7 characters. The only made up person is Sarina Kisaragi. She's supposed to be Yuffie's sister and act just like her! Oh yeah…Enjoy! If not, then why bother read?
FFSC! – With your host Sarina Kisaragi!
Sarina: [in a van, holding a microphone up to her mouth] …Welcome to FFSC, Final Fantasy Spy Channel! And I guess you can already guess what my job is…I'm Sarina Kisaragi, the host who's here to guide you through our spy session today on…Rufus Shinra! And as we speak, we're on our way to Shinra HQ. So stick around, it's gonna get…cool!…[hops off the van]
Sarina: Now, here we are approaching Shinra HQ. Now, what they don't know inside, is that we set up over 20 hidden cameras in the HQ. The lobby, All the floors and…oh, get a load of this…Rufie's room! Here's…Rufie!
{CAMERA: RUFIE'S ROOM}
Rufus:….AH! YOU CHEAT, SEPHIROTH! {Threw the 'Playstation' controller on the floor}
Sephiroth: {threw 'Playstation' controller on the floor} Well, it's not my problem I'm an ace at 'Chocobo Racing'!
Rufus: ACE?!
Sephiroth: You heard me, you complainer! Or are you deaf all of a sudden, GRANDPA?!
Rufus: That does it! THAT DOES IT! You get out of my room and out of HQ now or- {draws his shotgun} You 'n me go' fight now!
Sephiroth: {draws his Manasume and sticks the sword in Rufus's shotgun}
Rufus: {shrieks} AHH!!! {pull the trigger and the shotgun blows in his face, plummeting him to the wall}
Sephiroth: Score settled?
Rufus:…I'm just gettin' warmed up…literally… {charges at Sephiroth}
Sephiroth: {opens window and moves out of the way}
Rufus: AAAHH! {falls out of window}
Sephiroth: {looks down} Score settled?
Rufus: This time…I'll be the green chocobo!
Sephiroth: Then I'll be gold.
Rufus: YOU CHEAT!
Sephiroth: I'm not cheating! The gold chocobo's a playable character!
Rufus: Only because you entered the code to get him! That was CHEAP!!!
Sephiroth: YOU'RE CHEAP!
Rufus: YOU'RE CHEAP AND A CHEAT! And a pathetic, loser-ey, moronic, idiotic, stupid-ey, FOOL! And you're a-
Sephiroth: …are you done yet?
Rufus:…yeah. I'm comin' up.
{CAMERA: OFF}
Sarina: Cool! Next…AVALANCHE has some demanding needs and Rufie actually listens to them….interesting…This should be fun.
{CAMERA: LOBBY OF HQ}
Tifa: {barges in} I want my bar back!!!
Rufus:…What may I do for you?
Barret: Don't y'all stupid Shinra get it? You suck!
Rufus:…And how can I be of help in that way?
Cloud: You know, he has a point.
Barret: Cloud, don't you ever side with the scum!
Rufus: Then why are you siding with them?
Barret: Y'all can't do that! That's one of dem boomerang disses! We diss y'all, and y'all diss us…back! ARGH!!
Rufus:…Are you done yet?
Cloud: Could you find a way to raise Sector 7?
Rufus:…And you're paying me how much?
Tifa: We're not paying you squat!
Rufus: Uh…Can I get gil, perhaps, instead of…squat? That isn't the currency.
Barret: Would y'all stop using so much logic?! My brain's gonna explode!
Cloud: Rufus, are you dense?
Rufus: {pulls out a notepad} I'll answer that question once I understand the definition….explain?
Cloud: …The man in the mirror…
Rufus: ME?!…Oh, me…Tra, la, la! {starts skipping around}
Tifa: {whispers to Cloud} Has he hit his mental stage? It's not safe keeping him as president. It's suicidal…It's insanity!
Cloud: {whispers} And you think Barret's sane?
Tifa and Cloud: {look at Barret ripping his hair out} …No…
Rufus: Hmm, Sector 7 raised, 7th Heaven bar…and a girl named Marlene taking over my company! Marlene Shinra, I like the sound of- HEY!
Barret: Go on! Make the orders correct! Marlene's gonna take over this company, got ya?
Rufus: Got me?
Barret: Think in slang, Rufie boy…!
Rufus:…Oh, I see!…Well, No! I'm sorry. I won't approve of a little…bug taking over my company.
Barret: BUG?!
Rufus: Why, yes. Anyone related to you has got to be a virus, contagious to mankind.
Barret: And anyone related to you can't be human.
Rufus: I think you just dissed me!
Barret: Think again.
Rufus: Get out! Get out! {chases AVALANCHE members outside} …Parasites…
{CAMERA: OFF}
Sarina: …Okay, so maybe Rufie isn't the type to listen to complaints. But…He's not the type to listen at all! Anyhow, the next camera is shown on the lounge of the Shinra HQ and- Oh! It's started!
{CAMERA: LOUNGE}
Yuffie: {whispering to herself} …Mission: I.F.M. Impossible for me! I'm trying to get Mr. Prez to hand over a summon materia he stole from me a long time ago…actually, it was just yesterday. But I'm gonna get it back.
Rufus: {walks in talking to Scarlet} …Oh and about that materia, put it in a safe place, will you?
Scarlet: Right, sir. Right away, in fact! Ha, Ha, Ha, H-
Rufus: Shut up and get moving!
Scarlet: {walks away}
Rufus: Now where did I put that remote?
Yuffie: Is all you ever do watch TV?
Rufus: Why yes, of course!-…Hey! Who are you?
Yuffie: {walks closer} I'm Yuffie Kisaragi, a descendant of the shinobi, and- {Yuffie's theme starts playing} NOT NOW!!! {Theme stops} Thanks…Anyhow, I'm also a materia hunter and you, Rufie boy, stole one of my summon materia yesterday!!! I WANT IT BACK!!
Rufus:…I think I kept the remote In my room-
Yuffie: You aren't going anywhere without a fight! {Draws her shuriken}
Rufus: Oh, I'm scared now! The little girlie is going to stab me with a holy toothpick cross!
Yuffie: You must be afraid of me!
Rufus: …petrified…Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a life to live!
Yuffie: Not for long! {draws summon materia} Tidal Wave! Leviathan, I s-
Rufus: Not my HQ!! GET OUT AND TAKE YOUR…RED HACKY SACS OUT OF HERE!
Yuffie: Red hacky sacs?
Rufus: The summon materia!…NOW GET!
Yuffie: …I'll be back, Rufus Shinra! Don't think I'm giving up just yet!…Next week would be a better day! {runs out of the mansion}
Rufus: …-
Yuffie: Oh by the way, you take something of mine and I take something from you!…I have your remote-
Rufus:…re-…mote? {gasps}
{CAMERA: OFF}
Sarina: Way to go, sis! Rufie is nothin' but a slob who just happens to be old enough to over-rule Shinra Inc…Anyhow, this is the last scene where Rufie, The Turks, Scarlet and Heidegger have a discussion…Roll it!
{CAMERA: MEETING HALL}
Rufus: This meeting will now commence. Scarlet, Heidegger, please be seated.
Scarlet and Heidegger: Thank you, sir.
The Turks: OHMIGAWD!
Rufus:…Is there a problem?…
Tseng: What's with the politeness!
Rufus:…I don't get you people…Tseng, Reno, Rude, Elena…sit.
Turks: {sit down}
Rufus: The discussion here today, right now, is about…and only about…Popsicles.
Everyone else: POPSICLES?!
Rufus: Yes, popsicles…Look out the window.
Scarlet: {rushes to the window and gasps}
Heidegger: What did you see?
Scarlet: There's a large line-up of people out there…buying popsicles…right in front of our publicity ad! This is suicidal!
Rufus: I know…Any suggestions on how to get rid of them?
Tseng: I think we shoot 'em!
Elena: No way! We're already killing too much innocent people in Midgar already…why don't we just stab them!
Rude: All y'all people are nuts!…We should throw them off cliffs! The old fashion way, it always works!
Reno: Your suggestions all suck! We'll just drown 'em! If they can't swim, they won't have 'nuff time to learn!
Rufus: Excellent contribution, Reno!
Reno: Why thank you-
Rufus: Too bad we won't use it! Now…let's see…Scarlet, Heidegger, any ideas?
Scarlet: Well, we can use that cannon, Sister Ray on them-
Heidegger: That giant cannon for those pathetic people?! No way, it'd blow up our porch!-
Rufus: Heidegger, the HQ doesn't have a porch!
Heidegger: Which is why we should get one, so we can blow it up! Fun, eh?
Everyone else: Oh please!
Heidegger: What?
Rufus: I feel great pain for you, Heidegger…Any extra contributions before I decide the final suggestion?
Reno: Well…why don't we just attack 'em from up head! Then they'll be dead, no more customers, people'll trust Shinra and-
Elena: No one really used to trust us anyway, Reno. We were always some higher corporation people believed in because we were obviously more powerful and they had no choice but to obey us all!
Rufus:…True very true…Any other contributions?
Scarlet: Well, other than trying to kill them, we'll just pay them to commit suicide-
Rude: But when they're dead, they don't need the money.
Scarlet: My point exactly. That's where Shinra troops come in. We scout the location and pick-pocket the dead guy until we find the money we paid him. Wonderful, huh?
Rufus:…Somehow it doesn't make any sense…-
Tseng: Well, Rufus. What's your final suggestion?
Rufus:…Oh, I almost forgot! My suggestion that shall over-rule all of yours…Well, it's practically above the obvious. If it's a popsicle stand, and it's stack loaded with popsicles…then why don't we just…eat them all!
Everyone else: WHAT?…Hey…
Heidegger: That just might work! Well, it's okay with me!
Scarlet: Oh I can't believe I'm saying this…Uh, let's go get fat!
Rufus:…Turks?
Turks: {All look nervous and begin mumbling}
Rufus: TURKS?
Turks: …We love berry flavour…
Rufus: Good, good! Now…meeting dismissed. Let's go get fat!
{All march out of the meeting hall}
{CAMERA: OFF}
Sarina: Well, that concludes our FFSC on Rufie! See ya next time! Oh, and one more thing! If YOU, yes YOU, have a FF7 character YOU'D like spied on, then tell me, Sarina Kisaragi, in the reviews, and I'll see to it that I might do an FFSC on that person! Anyhow, C ya later! J
THE END?