Till We're Not Strangers Anymore, a csi: new york fanfic

Title: Till We're Not Strangers Anymore

Author: Marianne H. Stillie

Categories: POV, Angst, Romance, Missing Scene from "Personal Foul"

Rating: T

Pairing: Danny and Lindsay

Season: Season 4

Summary: Will telling the truth heal the breach in Danny and Lindsay's relationship or end them forever?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places for CSI: NY are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Paramount Television. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission.

Author's Note: The fabulous spoiler news that's come out over the past week about Danny and Lindsay in Season 5 has made this introspective Danny-angst piece a necessity since we probably won't actually see this moment on screen.

Special thanks to Jon Bon Jovi and Leann Rimes for their beautiful duet that fits this pairing and their situation so perfectly.

Till We're Not Strangers Anymore

Danny hunched over the counter and stared at the small bowl of sugar Rikki had just given him. He tried to latch onto one of the thoughts that were rushing through his mind. None of them fit into the neat little compartments his job as a forensic scientist dictated. Feelings were too elusive, and too complicated for the absolutes he'd come to depend on in his life. Truth was he'd been running from his feelings for so long, he'd lost sight of what was real and important.

In desperation, he went over the conversation he'd had with Lindsay on the phone only minutes ago. Lame and trite were simplistic descriptions for the words he'd used. Getting her back was going to take a lot more than a shit load of 'sorrys' and 'I miss yous'. He needed to make things right between them. The 'how' was the hard part.

The easy, comfortable friendship that had grown between them over the years was almost gone. Having been lovers for several months made the chasm they were stumbling through even worse. They were able to work together in the formalized world of the labs and in the field on cases. The increasingly rare times they were confined to their shared office had gone beyond strained. They couldn't just be friends anymore. They knew too much about each other. In that closed-door privacy, her voice was often hard, the raw hurt obvious. The cold distance in her once loving eyes had taken over completely since that day he'd lied to her.

He realized she was protecting herself from him. He'd done the same more times than he cared to remember in his life. How easily he'd forgotten the beauty she'd brought to him. Their months as a couple had been the happiest he'd ever been. He'd looked forward to each day – rain, shine, work, time off, bad cases, good results. Every one had been precious with her there to share them. Many of the people who had commented that he smiled a lot more didn't even know they were seeing each other outside work.

Then he'd gotten stupid, and reverted to the old solo Danny Messer. He could use his familiar stale cop-out and blame his insecurities, how deep down he'd always felt not good enough. His self-destructive habits had simply gone underground. Blaming himself for Ruben's death had brought it all out again.

Why he hadn't gone to her that first night after he'd given the bad news to Rikki he still didn't understand. She'd been through her own hell of guilt. More than anyone, she would have slaked his need for physical comfort. He wished she'd been harder on him. He'd have listened to the tough, caring words his Montana was capable of giving.

If only he'd gone back to their relationship before he'd fucked Rikki. The word was crude but it fit. That was all it was to him. Once would have been bad enough, but twice in less than twenty-four hours was beyond redemption for him. All the while, he'd fantasized it was Lindsay. There were a ton of colorfully vulgar words good women had for a guy like him, and he deserved every one of them.

Recalling her profession of love for him only days ago, he knew he would never be able to get her back with his mortal failing on his conscience. And every day of his continued silence added a fresh lie to his transgression.

Lindsay's sad, dejected voice on the phone tonight ripped through him to his core. Was she too hurt to give him another chance? The gentleness and caring in her words when she asked if he knew how hard he was to love told him the woman he'd come to love was still there. It gave him a faint hope. What he needed to do was find the courage to say the word to her, along with admitting it to himself.

He wanted her in his bed again, but that would be too easy, and so unfair to claim her heart again so deceitfully. The physical was what got him in this mess. He had to tell her the truth, as dirty and sordid as it really was. It was time to let go of that charnel side of himself that refused to acknowledge real love.

Danny knew he didn't have to do this. It was torture to admit it, but a Catholic, even a lapsed one like him, always had the compulsion to confess. He needed to believe in salvation again. Believing that changing himself was possible would be tougher. He wanted another chance with Lindsay so badly, he'd do whatever penance it took to win her back.

Anticipating how she'd react to his betrayal was hard. A heavy, stinging slap across his face was fully deserved. There might be angry, bitter words that his Montana was very capable of dishing out. Hot, scalding tears that she didn't deserve would tear him apart. Worst of all would be her final rejection of him once she knew she might never be able to really trust him. But it was the only way she would be able to come back to him honestly. He would beg her forgiveness, needing her absolution to be truly redeemed.

Like a carefully composed DD5, he began reciting all the facts of his weighty sins, brutally graphic with their description, leaving out all the subjective interpretation of excuses. When he got to the end of his mental confession, he let himself cry for the first time since that night at the hospital after Louie had been beaten into a coma.

Through the last of his tears, Danny looked at the picture of Ruben on the memorial card. His index finger lightly traced along the lower edge then he turned it over and pushed it to the end of the counter near the wall. Picking up the bowl of sugar, he went to the trash can in the kitchen and threw it away.

A fresh rush of tears choked him. "Please, God," he whispered, "just one more chance."

He headed for his bedroom knowing there was little chance he'd get a decent nights sleep. Two strong knocks at his door made him turn around.

As he opened the door, he hoped it wasn't Rikki again. "Linds!" he gasped, surprise and fear fighting for breathing space with hope in his chest. "I didn't think you'd come," and he stepped aside to let her in.

The rain dripping off her coat began making small puddles on the floor as she turned to face him. Her voice was warm and sweet as he remembered it from before. "You said you wanted to talk."

She waited calmly for him to answer, a tender half-smile infusing her again loving eyes.

Summoning the newborn courage he'd found in his love for this woman who had come to him so trustingly, Danny cleared his throat, "There's something I need to tell you, Lindsay."