Doubts and fears (an episode, not a story)
(set after "The time of the wolf")
Robin sat on the lakeshore, staring out onto the water. He had sat here often during the last few weeks since they had lost Marion. Since he had lost Marion. From time to time one of the others came with him, sharing this place, filling this emptiness for a while, either in a little talk or in shared silence.
He had stolen away a while ago. He knew, sooner or later one of his friends would come looking for him. He hoped it would be Tuck. Tuck had become some sort of confessor for all of them a long time ago. Robin would trust any of his friends with his life without a moment's hesitation, but Tuck also knew his secrets.
Robin sighed, shifting slightly. When he had first come here, all he had seen had been her face. There had been but one thought spinning in his mind: 'She's gone, I lost her'. Now there were questions burning his soul. So many questions he didn't have answers for. He only hoped Tuck could help him.
He heard a twig breaking. Somebody was coming. A moment later he heard Tuck's typical wheezing. Whenever the monk walked further than about one hundred yards he started wheezing like a consumptive horse.
Relieved, Tuck dropped to the ground next to Robin. For a while they both stared out onto the water without saying a word. Then Robin took a deep breath and asked without looking at the monk: "Did she ever love me, Tuck?" Somehow it seemed easier to put into words without looking in Tuck's face. He felt the other man straighten next to him. Then the monk said earnestly: "Aye, she did. She does. How can you doubt that?"
"We've lived together so closely for so long. She knew how I felt for her. Perhaps she felt stalemated; perhaps I got on her nerves. Perhaps she was… perhaps she only pitied me. Perhaps the convent was just an acceptable way for her to get out of an unwanted marriage."
Robin closed his eyes, his face a grimace of pain.
"I can't stand the thought, Tuck," he whispered, "I can't stand to think that she might only have pitied me."
Tuck pondered what Robin had said. What could he do to take these doubts away? Tuck himself was convinced that Marion had loved Robin, that she still loved him. He could also understand her reasons for retreating to the nunnery, her fears and her doubts. He wondered how to make Robin see all this.
He sighed deeply, then he said: "When Robin of Loxley died, Marion's world shattered. He had been the centre of her life, the only reason she had become an outlaw. I think the worst thing for her was that he sent her away. She had been ready to die with him, but he sent her away. And she didn't even have a grave to mourn at. We spent a long time searching, but we never found him…
Her heart was broken. At times I feared for her life. That's why I brought her back to Leaford Grange. I thought her father could care for her better than we could."
Robin gave Tuck a surprised glance.
"You took her back to her father?"
Tuck smiled sadly.
"Yes. In some ways it's my fault that we didn't make it, then.
Then you came. In the beginning I'd never have thought you'd stay, but you did. Marion came back – because of you. I don't know when you fell in love with her; it might even have been the moment you first laid eyes on her. I'm sure you know better than I do. What I know is that she didn't want to fall in love again. She was terribly afraid of losing a beloved man again. Purely for self-protection she carefully sealed her heart.
You broke these seals one after another. With patience, with devotion, with love. In the end she had to admit to herself that she loved you wheter she wanted it or not. That made her vulnerable again in her own eyes. I think, from then on her greatest fear was to lose you, that you'd be taken from her like he was."
"I know. She told me," Robin croaked very quietly.
Tuck nodded. "Believe her. She might not be flawless, but she's never been a liar.
Let me go on. When she couldn't come to Grimstone with us, she must have been frantic with fear. In spite of being ill she went to the Ring of the nine maidens. There, she met her worst fear. You were dead. She was finished."
"But that wasn't me. I'm not dead," Robin said.
"How should she know?" Tuck asked reasonably. "This creature looked just like you. Imagine what you would have felt in her place."
Robin closed his eyes, grimacing.
"You see," Tuck nodded, "her life was over. And she felt guilty. Again she hadn't been there to save the man she loved. She drew the consequences. Total withdrawal from the world she knew."
"But I came for her the next day. She saw that I'm alive," Robin insisted.
Tuck sighed. "But she had seen her fears. She had seen that it could happen again, that in spite of everything you do she might not be able to protect you. That was just too much for her."
Robin buried his face in his hands, muttering faintly: "There's still the question: has she ever loved me the way that I love her?"
Tuck said patiently: "You don't listen. Everything she did, she did because she loves you. She can't stand to see you die without being able to do anything about it. For her, this means that she will rather try to find her peace alone than risk losing a loved one again."
Robin turned to Tuck, looking into his eyes.
"How do you know?" he asked.
Tuck smiled crookedly. "I've known her longer than any of you. I saw her grow up. We've been friends for years and during her time at Nottingham I was her only confidant. I know her quite well."
Robin looked out onto the lake again.
"But what am I to do now?" he asked without hope.
"Give her time," said Tuck simply. "You've given her all the time she needed before. You can do it again."
"But she was with us then," Robin whispered. "Now… She's so far away from me!"
"She's always with you," Tuck said gently, "every moment, isn't she?"
Robin nodded.
"You can't lose her then, can you?"
Again they were silent.
"How could she go when I need her so much?" Robin asked the lake.
Tuck didn't answer. Firstly because he felt that Robin didn't really expect an answer and secondly because he had explained everything already. Tuck didn't believe in chewing on a problem which couldn't be solved. Sooner or later it would only upset your stomach.
"Do you think she will come back?" Robin asked.
Tuck answered honestly. "I don't know. There are strict rules in a convent and Marion is stubborn. She loves her freedom. I suppose she'll soon feel trapped. On the other hand, she can be so pig-headed that she might stay without being happy."
Tuck nodded again in confirmation of his words, slapping Robin's back. Then he struggled to his feet and said: "I'm going back to the camp." Already half gone, he turned, saying: "Don't stay too long, Robin."
Robin smiled crookedly at Tuck. "I won't. I'll be back soon."
Soon everything was quiet again. Robin continued staring out onto the lake. So many questions, so few answers.