"Look out," Crowley shouted at the hunter.
Too late. Whatever spell the witch had cast slammed into Sam before he could get out of the way. Crowley lashed out at the witch with his powers imploding her. Turning Crowley intended to check on Sam but suddenly found himself kissing the other man. Damned if it didn't feel as wonderful as he always knew it would. It was amazing. It was… wrong. Crowley blinked several times as mind finally caught up to what was happening.
Reaching up Crowley struggled with Sam trying to shove the hunter away. Sam had never shown any interest in him. There was no reason the younger Winchester should be kissing him right now. With one final shove Crowley managed to free himself. Sam started walking towards him and Crowley brought his hands up as he took several steps back.
"What the hell Sam? What's wrong with you?"
"You," Sam answered still stalking towards him.
Crowley continued backing up until he hit a wall. Damn it. Sam walked forward until Crowley's hands were pressed against his chest. Something was definitely wrong with Sam, but for the life of him Crowley couldn't understand what. Sam had been perfectly fine moments ago. It wasn't until… the spell…
Great, just his luck. He finally gets the one thing he would have sold his soul for, if he still had one, and he can't do anything about it. First, there was no way Sam would feel the same way without being spelled. Second, the spell was only temporary. Sooner or later it was going to wear off, then where would that leave them? With Sam pissed and probably him dead for taking advantage of Sam.
"Sam, listen to me. It's a spell, you need to fight it."
"Nope," Sam replied pressing forward against Crowley's hands.
"Damn it Sam, you don't really feel this way. It's just the spell, fight it!"
"Want you."
"No you really, really, don't," Crowley growled.
And didn't that hurt? He would love for those words to be true. Sam reached up and shoved Crowley's hands away. Reaching up again Sam placed his hands against the wall to either side of Crowley pinning the demon. Crowley's breathing sped up as Sam leaned in closer.
"Yes," Sam stated low but forcefully.
His breath ghosted over Crowley's skin and the demon shivered slightly. Gods, how he wanted this. Emotions warred with each other inside of him. It would be so easy to give in and take what he had wanted for so long. So easy just to let Sam have his way. Staring into the hunter's eyes Crowley started to reach forward. Stop, he ordered himself. Shaking his head Crowley blinked out from in front of Sam and across the room.
"It's not real. It's a spell. You don't want this Sam, fight it."
Sam turned and began stalking towards him again. He couldn't keep blinking away. Well, he could but it would get annoying. He needed to find a way to break the spell. Crowley began to back up again as Sam neared. Checking behind himself he turned to avoid backing into another wall. Pretty soon going in circles was going to get as annoying as constantly blinking away. There had to be some way to get through to Sam that he really did not want this.
"Tell me you don't want this," Sam said as he continued to follow Crowley.
"I- I don't," Crowley stammered. "And neither do you!"
"You're lying," Sam told him.
Of course he was bloody lying but Sam couldn't know that.
"Think about what Squirrel would say," Crowley implored.
"He's not here, is he," Sam countered.
"Please," Crowley begged.
He should leave. Just blink away and be done with this. The problem was, he couldn't.
"Sam," Crowley whispered. "Please."
Crowley found his steps slowing. Please don't do this, he begged Sam in his mind. He wasn't sure if he could continue to resist this. Not when he had wanted it for so long. Before he realized it, he had stopped backing away altogether. Sam approached him and stopped mere inches away. Reaching up Sam put his hand against Crowley's cheek. Unconsciously Crowley leaned into the touch. Leaning forward Sam placed his mouth next to Crowley's ear.
"You want this too," Sam whispered.
A soft whine escaped Crowley's lips. Yes, of course he wanted this. He just wanted Sam to want this too. Really want this. How could he let this happen while Sam was under the influence of a spell. He had to stop this before something happened they both regretted. Sam tilted his head and placed his mouth over the bottom of Crowley's ear. Crowley inhaled sharply as the hunter began sucking on his earlobe.
"Please," Crowley whispered.
"Shh. Just let me take care of you," Sam soothed.
Crowley let out another soft whine as he felt his resistance crumbling. Sam trailed light kisses across Crowley's jaw until he got to Crowley's mouth. Moving the hand on Crowley's cheek to under his jaw Sam held it lightly as he stared into Crowley's eyes.
"Please," Crowley repeated softly.
Sam leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Unable to fight his desires any longer Crowley leaned into the kiss. His lips parted and Sam's tongue darted into his mouth, exploring it. Groaning Crowley wrapped his arms around Sam. Reaching up Sam pulled Crowley's arms back down. He held Crowley's wrists firmly as he finally broke the kiss and pulled back slowly.
"I need… I need…" Crowley trailed off. He needed to stop this is what he needed.
"I know what you need. Shh baby, just let me take care of you."
Hell have mercy on him, Crowley broke. He couldn't deny himself any longer. Nodding Crowley finally gave up fighting. Sam released Crowley's wrists and reached up shoving Crowley's jacket off of his shoulders slowly. As the jacket hit the floor Crowley couldn't make himself care. Sam's hands moved to start unbuttoning the shirt. Crowley's eyes slid closed as Sam undid the last button and began removing the shirt.
"That's it baby," Sam breathed. "Let me do the work."
At the very least he should blink them somewhere else. If he was going to let this happen he should blink them somewhere better, somewhere nicer. Still with his eyes closed he opened his mouth to tell Sam but Sam pressed a finger over his lips.
"Shh," Sam whispered.
Removing the finger Sam tugged Crowley's undershirt up and over his head. Weak, Crowley berated himself. Sam placed a hand on each of Crowley's hips. Crowley moaned and leaned his head backward. Releasing one Crowley's hips Sam put a hand behind Crowley's head and gently righted it. Crowley opened his eyes and stared into Sam's beautiful green eyes.
"Mine," Sam told him.
Crowley swallowed hard and nodded. More than you will ever know, he thought to Sam. Sam began unbuttoning Crowley's pants, never breaking eye contact. I love you, Crowley thought to the hunter. I'm sorry I'm too weak to stop this. When Sam finally had Crowley's pants unbuttoned and unzipped he reached for his own shirt and pulled it over his head. Crowley's mouth parted as he saw Sam topless for the first time. So beautiful. He lifted his hand and touched his fingers to Sam's chest. Sam hummed and leaned into the touch.
"Beautiful," Crowley whispered.
Sam raised his hand and gently removed Crowley's. Still holding Crowley's hand Sam tugged lightly until Crowley started to lower himself. As he sat he realized Sam had positioned him so that he was sitting on his jacket. Sam let go of Crowley's hand and gripped the waist of his pants. Crowley raised his hips so that Sam could slide the pants down. When he reached Crowley's ankles Sam removed Crowley's shoes. Finally Sam slipped the pants off of Crowley and stood.
Kicking off his shoes Sam unbuttoned his own pants and slid them down. Lifting one foot at a time Sam pulled the pants off and tossed them to the side. Hooking his thumbs in the waistband of his boxers Sam eyed Crowley intently. Crowley leaned forward slightly unable to look away as Sam slid the boxers down. Crowley's breath caught at the sight of Sam standing before him fully naked. He started to stand up but Sam knelt down and placed a hand on Crowley's shoulder. Shaking his head Sam moved his hands to behind Crowley's shoulders and slowly laid him down.
I can't let him do this, he'll hate himself later.
Sam removed Crowley's underwear with the same slow precision he had used to remove everything else. Closing his eyes Crowley turned his head to the side. No, he couldn't find it in himself to stop this but he also couldn't watch while he allowed this to happen. I'm sorry Sam, Crowley thought over and over. As Sam spread Crowley's legs Crowley could feel his heart breaking for his hunter.
Crowley lay on his side with his shirt under his head for a make-shift pillow. Sam was an even more thoughtful and considerate lover than Crowley had envisioned. Sam lay behind Crowley with and arm wrapped over the demon, holding tightly onto him. From his position Crowley was left staring at the bottle of lube Sam had asked him to conjure. Hot tears filled Crowley's eyes for the first time in… He couldn't remember and it didn't matter. Sam was going to hate him now. Worse, Sam was going to hate himself.
Sam tightened his grip and snuggled against Crowley.
Afterwards Sam had uttered endearments and told Crowley how much he loved him. Crowley couldn't respond. He had wanted to hear those words for so long it hurt to hear them now when Sam was bespelled. He desperately wanted to blink away. Perhaps Sam wouldn't remember what happened when the spell wore off? Even if that were true he couldn't leave Sam laying here naked and alone. Crowley shuddered from an unreleased sob.
"Mmm," Sam murmured against Crowley's neck.
Sam nuzzled the back of his neck and shifted. Crowley bit his bottom lip to keep from breaking down. Finally Sam started to prop himself up on an arm. Crowley knew the second Sam realized it was him and that the spell was through running it's course. Sam stilled and time seemed to stop entirely.
"Crowley?"
Sam's voice was angry and confused. Crowley bit his bottom lip harder. Sam grabbed his shoulder and yanked it backward until Crowley was laying on his back looking up at Sam.
"What the hell Crowley," Sam shouted.
"Spell," Crowley answered weakly.
"Did we just… Did you and I… Fuck!"
Sam stood and turned his back to Crowley. Crowley's eyes drifted to Sam's ass. Feeling guilty about checking him out Crowley sat up and dropped his eyes to the ground. When he heard movement he glanced back. Sam grabbed his pants off the floor and began pulling them on. Crowley willed himself clothed. When Sam had his pants on he turned back and glared at Crowley.
"The witch hit you with a spell to incapacitate you. It caused you to become attracted to me for a time," Crowley said quietly.
"And you thought, 'what the hell, why not'," Sam asked loudly.
"It wasn't like that," Crowley whispered dropping his eyes back to the ground.
"I know you're a demon but I would liked to have thought even you would have been above that!"
Crowley winced.
"I came here to help you with your problem and you take advantage of me? Do not ever contact us again and I swear if you tell anyone about this…"
"I won't."
Sam turned and began to gather the rest of his clothes. Leaving, Crowley thought. He's leaving and he's going to hate himself because of this. He had to do something while he could.
"It was the spell," Crowley stated as he stood.
Sam turned back and glared at him. "What?"
"It wasn't your fault Sam, it was the spell. Don't blame yourself for what happened."
"I don't. I fucking blame you!"
Turning Sam stalked out of the building carrying his shirt, boxers and shoes.
Crowley watched until Sam was gone then dropped to his knees defeatedly. Despite what Sam claimed Crowley knew he would still blame himself as well. He had been resigned to never being able to have Sam. What he wasn't ready for was never being able to contact him ever again. He knew Sam would be pissed but he hadn't really thought about what that meant at the time. He had been weak and hurt Sam. Now he had lost him.
Crowley incinerated the demon in front of him. Two weeks, two bloody weeks, and not one new soul. Useless! Why did all of his demons have to be so incompetent? He was going to have to start having them tortured instead of killing them. He had already killed four of them this week for displeasing him. Growling Crowley strode out of the throne room.
The demons were almost always incompetent and he didn't usually kill them. No, that wasn't really why he was this angry. He knew why he was angry. It had been his own stupid fault that had cost him his working relationship with Sam. If he hadn't been so weak, if he had just blinked away, he would still have the working relationship with Sam. It wasn't what he wanted but at least he had gotten to be near Sam. Now he would only ever get to see Sam if he spied on him without Sam's knowledge.
He respected Sam too much to spy on him. Dean was a different matter. He didn't mind the idea of spying on the older Winchester but he couldn't ensure that Sam wouldn't be there as well. Those two were inseparable. Crowley wasn't sure which was worse. Seeing Sam again after everything, or never seeing him again. Both were too painful to contemplate. The only person he had to blame for any of this was himself. If he just hadn't been so damned weak.
"Come on Sam, talk to me."
"No," Sam huffed as he stabbed his fork into his salad.
"I know something's up, okay. You may as well just tell me what it is."
"Nothing is 'up' with me," Sam shot back.
"You haven't been yourself for almost two weeks now. Something is definitely up with you. Why don't you just tell me."
Sam glared at his brother. I had sex with Crowley and can't even remember it, Sam mentally yelled back to his brother. Yep, that would definitely shut up Dean. For a minute. Then Dean would be yelling his head off asking how it happened. Then Sam would be forced to admit he had gone to help Crowley with a witch problem without Dean because Dean hated witches and, oh yeah, he may or may not have a thing for said demon. Yeah, he could so see this conversation going well.
"Nothing is wrong with me. I just… I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"You don't want to talk about what's not wrong," Dean asked raising an eyebrow.
Damn it! "Exactly," Sam bit out before shoving a fork full of salad into his mouth.
"You're the one that's always trying to talk about things. Give me something, Sam."
You know he won't let this go, Sam's mind told him. Fuck. Sam glanced around to be sure no one would overhear. "About two weeks ago I went to take out a witch with Crowley."
"Crowley? Why would you want help him with anything?"
"The witch needed to be taken out anyway Dean. It just happened that it benefited Crowley too."
"Okay, but why not tell me about it?"
"Because you hate witches, Dean. Plus Crowley was there."
"Exactly. You'd think you would want someone to watch your back."
"See, this is why I didn't want to talk about. I knew you'd be pissed."
"Well yeah I'm pissed Sam. You went on a hunt without me but you took a demon as backup?"
"It wasn't like that."
"Then what was it like? Cause it sure sounds like that."
"Whatever, I'm done."
"No you're not. Fine. You took out a witch with Crowley, then what?"
"Nothing it's just… Crowley pissed me off, that's all."
"Serves you right for working with him in the first place."
Sam glared at his brother before shoving the chair backwards and standing.
"Come on Sam. You knew what he was like," Dean said standing.
Sam turned and headed for the door. Serves me right? Seriously? Whatever. Sam made his way out of the diner and Dean followed him.
"You do know what he's like. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself in for."
Turning to face Dean Sam clenched and unclenched his jaw. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He wasn't about to tell his brother he had sex with Crowley. Sam shook his head. "I'm done with this conversation. You wanted to know what was up with me, Crowley being a jackass. Now you know so now you can drop it."
Dean opened his mouth to say something else and Sam glared at him until he shut it.
Still seething, Sam walked the car. Getting in he slammed the door shut. Fucking Crowley. He should have known better than to trust the demon. Dean got in the car, shut his door and glanced over to him. Sam turned to stare out the window instead. Finally Dean started the engine and Sam's thoughts returned to Crowley.
To be fair he did feel a strange attraction to Crowley from early on. If he thought the demon felt anything for him he might have acted on his feelings. And done what? Asked him on a date? Sam clenched his jaw and resisted the urge to growl. Previous feelings aside he had still been under the effects of the spell. He didn't have a choice in the matter. Crowley did but had chosen to take advantage of the situation.
If nothing else Crowley could have left, Sam thought crossing his arms. Just because I was spelled to go after him didn't mean he had to stay and participate. After all, Crowley wasn't spelled. Sam frowned. Crowley hadn't been spelled. Why had Crowley stayed? Sam had been so angry at Crowley for so long he hadn't bothered to think of what the demon's motivations might have been. Crowley didn't have the excuse of an outside force compelling him to do something. Did that mean Crowley had wanted it too?
Nope, he wasn't sitting around feeling sorry for himself. Nope, not a chance. He was a demon and demons didn't throw pity parties, thank you very much. He was… was… Crowley unconsciously bit his bottom lip trying to figure out what he was doing if he wasn't feeling sorry for himself. He couldn't think of anything else. Damn it. Fucking Sam Winchester! He was the one that had been wronged here. Not Sam. Yes, Sam had been spelled but Crowley had said no. Multiple times come to think of it. So why the hell was he still worried about how Sam felt?
Crowley sighed. Because he loved Sam, that was why. Just because Sam was willing at the time didn't mean it was right. He really should have left. Sam was spelled into wanting to be with him. The spell had forced Sam to do something he wouldn't have done otherwise. Sam had also been wronged. He couldn't place all the blame on Sam and the witch was dead. There wasn't anyone else to blame but himself.
When he felt the familiar pull of being summoned Crowley's eyebrows lowered. Very few people knew how to summon him specifically. Eventually he would have to go, that's how it worked with specific summonings. Crowley resisted for the moment trying to figure out who would be summoning him. The only person he could think of was Sam. His breathing quickened at the thought of seeing the younger Winchester again. What if it was Dean? Crowley's muscles locked. If Sam had told Dean…
With his mind temporarily distracted he forgot he was using his powers to resist the summoning. As the spell took him Crowley cursed himself. Whoever it was that was summoning he would know soon enough. Arriving Crowley found himself in a demon trap, of course. He spotted Sam with his arms crossed and staring at him intently. Stop staring back, Crowley ordered himself. Pasting on his best smile he adopted his usual arrogant attitude.
"Moose. What can I do for you today?"
"You've already done enough, don't you think?"
For a moment the mask threatened to slip. Crowley attempted to cover the minor slip up. "Pardon me for reminding you, but it was you doing everything. I was merely another warm body."
"Why," Sam asked.
Crowley frowned. "Why what?"
"Why were you 'another warm body'?"
"Because you weren't about to take no. Who am I to deny your charms when fling yourself at me."
"Cut the crap, Crowley. I don't believe you willingly lay down and let people fuck you in abandoned warehouses on a regular basis. Why did you really stay?"
Crowley scrambled for an answer. "Maybe I was just curious."
"Nope. See, I woke up next to you. That means I was asleep."
"Sleep usually precedes waking up, yes."
"Which means if you were just curious you could have left after you satisfied that curiosity. But you didn't, did you? You stayed while I slept. Why?"
Crowley blinked rapidly. How the hell was he supposed to answer that? His mind raced trying to find something. "Maybe I'm a snuggler," he answered, shrugging. It was getting harder and harder to keep the attitude in place.
"Naked? In an abandoned warehouse?"
"I've done stranger things."
"Okay. Say I buy that story. You were curious about having sex with me for some reason. You stayed because you're a snuggler. Why stop me when I'm about to leave to tell me it wasn't my fault?"
Crowley opened his mouth but closed it quickly when he realized he didn't have any decent answers for that.
"If everything was only about curiosity and snuggling, why not just let me leave afterwards?"
"You- I didn't want you to blame me," Crowley huffed and crossed his own arms.
"Why?"
"What's with the twenty questions Moose? I mean if all you wanted was a friendly chat-"
"Stop," Sam ordered. "I know you Crowley. You're hiding something."
"You don't know the first thing about me Sam," Crowley growled. There was no way Crowley was going to let Sam try to shove him around. For his part Crowley had been trying to keep things civil. He had been hurt that day, the same as Sam. Worse, in fact, he had been heartbroken. He wasn't about to let Sam know that though.
"You think what happened was bad," Crowley yelled. "Imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't let you take charge. I could have made you do anything I wanted. You don't know half of the depraved things I've done during sex. Don't you get an attitude with me!"
Crowley had to work to keep himself for shaking. The statement was true but misleading. He had been completely against homosexual relationships when he had been human. It wasn't until he got to hell and had been tortured in hell after selling his soul that he ever found himself sleeping with other men. Even during those times he was always the top. He wouldn't chance anything like what happened in the torture pits happening to him again. He hadn't bottomed since the pits until that time in the warehouse with Sam.
"Crowley?"
Crowley ignored Sam and turned his back to him.
"You're shaking."
Was he? Did it matter? He didn't know if it mattered or not but he honestly didn't care.
"What's wrong?"
Crowley shook his head. He had to pull himself together. Taking a deep breath he released it and turned back to Sam. "I think we're done here." He sounded shaky even to his own ears.
"I'm sorry."
Crowley's eyes narrowed on Sam. "Sorry for what?"
"I have to know what happened. I'm not letting you out until you tell me the truth."
"Sam, let me out."
"Arguing with me won't make me release you. With you inside the demon trap I can wait until I'm satisfied and you can't leave."
"Think carefully about this Sam. You really do not want to do this."
"Because you'll get angry?"
"I'm already angry."
"Then I don't have anything to lose."
"I may just have you and your brother killed for this."
"If you wanted me dead you could have killed me in the warehouse."
"I'm not going to be forced into telling you anything."
"Fine, make a deal with me."
"What?"
"Make a deal with me. Tell me honestly why you stayed and let us sleep together. If you answer the question and don't try to weasel out of what you know I want to know I'll tell you the main thing I never wanted you to know."
Crowley narrowed his eyebrows again. "That's a little vague. Care to be more clear?"
"If your reason is what I think it is, I'm pretty sure you'll want to hear what I have to say."
"Pretty sure?"
"If I'm wrong about your reason what I tell you will only serve to give you more to hold over me."
"If you're right?"
"You'll probably appreciate what I have to say. It's win win for you. Either you get something you want or you get more ammunition to hold over me."
Crowley thought about it for a second. "I won't be forced to make a deal. Let me out first."
"Nope. I know you Crowley. I'm not letting you out until I get the answer. Either you take the deal and get something in return or we sit here until you talk. You don't have to accept the deal, no one's forcing you."
"And I'm supposed to trust you out of the goodness of my heart?"
"Nope. Out of the goodness of mine. You really think I'll back out of the agreement?"
"How do I know you won't just leave me here when we're done?"
"For the same reason you knew you could count on me to have your back when I told you I'd help with your witch problem. You know what kind of person I am."
Crowley chewed on his lower lip for a while contemplating it. He did know Sam. Sam would always keep his end of the deal. The problem was Crowley wasn't sure if the vague bit of information Sam was offering was worth what Sam wanted to know. On the other hand, he would get to kiss his Sam at least one more time. Maybe that was worth it?
"Deal. You do know we have to seal the deal with a kiss, right?"
Sam didn't say a word as he strode into the demon trap. Walking over to Crowley Sam wrapped an arm around the demon's back and place a hand behind his head. Leaning down Sam pressed his lips to Crowley's and flicked his tongue over his lips. Crowley opened his mouth and shoved his tongue into Sam's mouth. Wrapping his own arms around Sam Crowley deepened the kiss as he pressed the hunter against his body. Sam didn't break the kiss immediately and Crowley sure as hell wasn't going to be the first one to break it. This might just be the last kiss he ever got from his Sam.
Finally the need for air forced Sam to break the kiss. Both stood in the middle of the demon trap, holding each other and panting heavily. Gods he loved Sam. What specifically had he agreed to tell him? Tell me honestly why you stayed and let us sleep together. Crowley winced as he remembered. Was revealing that worth the kiss they'd just shared?
"I wanted to fuck you," Crowley said quietly.
"I don't buy the 'because you were curious' answer."
"It's technically true."
"Explain technically."
"I've wanted you for a while." Crowley dropped his arms away from Sam's body. "I didn't want to sleep with you that way, but you asked why I stayed. I couldn't leave. I had wanted you for so long I didn't have the strength to say no when you offered."
And now it was finally out. Now he definitely wouldn't see Sam again. How could he ever look at the hunter knowing Sam knew what he felt? What if Sam told Dean? Crowley shook his head. "Your turn," he prompted Sam.
Sam nodded and took a deep breath. "I was already attracted to you before the spell."
Wait, what? Crowley's mind struggled to understand that. "What do you mean, attracted," he asked cautiously.
"I'm not saying I would have jumped into bed with you the first chance I got but I was already drawn to you before I was hit with the spell. It didn't cause me to suddenly want you, it just made me want to take you right then."
"You're lying," Crowley growled.
"If I was lying I would be breaking my end of the deal. I told you I would tell you the one thing I never wanted you to know."
"But you never…"
"Showed it?" Sam sighed. "I didn't want you to know for several reasons. What if you got pissed? What if you attacked me or Dean because of it? What if we needed to make a deal for some reason and you required me to fuck you? Come on, Crowley, you have to see why I didn't want to say anything. Plus you've never shown an interest in me either."
Crowley stared at Sam in shock. "I would never force you to sleep with me for a deal," he said quietly. "I wanted you to want it as well. That's why I didn't want to sleep with you in the warehouse. You were under the spell's influence. You didn't make the decision, you were forced into sleeping with me."
"Then why stay Crowley? If you didn't want it that way, why stay?"
"I was too weak to say no anymore. I tried but I could only resist so long. After a while I couldn't resist you anymore. I'm sorry, Sam." Crowley gave an unhappy laugh. "Do you know I thought that at you the whole time? I knew how upset you would be at having been forced to do something like that but I could only say no so many times."
"Crowley? Can I… I mean, as far as I'm concerned you made good on the deal and you don't owe me anything else. I was just wondering, was it only sex you wanted?"
"I don't know quite how to answer that," Crowley stated honestly. "I mean, I wanted more at one point but…"
"But what?"
"I kind of gave up on getting it. To be honest I gave up on actually getting sex as well but I still had hope that maybe one day it would happen. Just… not that way," Crowley finished quietly.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
Crowley waved off the apology. "Don't be. I already knew you'd be upset."
"That's why you told me not to blame myself?"
Crowley nodded.
"So," Sam said slowly. "You tried to say no."
"Many times."
"You felt bad because I didn't make the decision of my own cognizance. You tried to keep me from being angry at myself."
Crowley shrugged. "I told you I used to want more. I couldn't let you blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault."
"Do you still?"
"What?"
"Do you still want more?"
"Don't Sam. I gave up on that. I can't let myself start thinking like that again."
"What if I was willing to try for more?"
"See, that's the point. 'What if'. You're not saying you are willing, you're just speculating. I won't get my hopes up again."
"I am willing to try if you're willing."
"Stop, I will not intentionally open myself up to being hurt."
"Crowley? Trust me? I don't hurt those I care about on purpose. Please give this a shot."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because you have no reason to care about me."
Sam watched him thoughtfully and Crowley began to get uncomfortable under the scrutiny.
"That's it, isn't it? You don't think anyone can care about you. It's not about me, it's about you."
"Damn it Sam, don't go there."
Sam scuffed his shoe against the lines of the demon trap until one broke.
"If you're not ready, I'm not going to force you. Whenever you are ready though, just remember I'll be waiting for you."
Crowley stared at Sam. He couldn't find a good response to that. Sam was letting him go and would wait for him? Was it possible Sam actually did care for him? There was so much he wanted to ask he didn't know where to begin.
"I do want you but I'm not going to pressure you Crowley. Take all the time you need to figure out what you want."
"What if…"
Walking over to Crowley Sam wrapped his arms around him. Crowley let himself melt into the embrace. It felt so right. Sam was too good. There was no way Sam could love him but maybe that could be okay. Maybe they could still have something even if it wasn't everything Crowley had wanted.
"Sam?"
"Yeah baby?"
Crowley relaxed even more at the endearment. Sam was calling him baby and he wasn't spelled this time. It was perhaps the most wonderful thing Crowley could ever remember hearing.
"Crowley?"
"No. Baby's better."
Laughing softly Sam rubbed a hand over Crowley's back a few times.
"Baby it is," Sam agreed.
"I would like to try, I'm just…"
"We'll take it slow. Okay?"
Crowley nodded and held onto Sam even more tightly.