I'm Yours

by strbck23

A fill in the blanks/between the scenes on the evolution of Mulder and Scully's physical relationship.

1. Part 1

TITLE: I'm Yours Part 1
AUTHOR: Strbck23
DISTRIBUTION: anywhere, just let me know

RATING: NC-17
CATEGORIES: Story-Mulder POV
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully relationship
SPOILERS: MAJOR spoilers for Milagro, The Unnatural, Per Manum, Millennium, Orison, Sein und Zeit, all things and Je Souhaite. Minor spoilers for many others.

DISCLAIMER: Do I really have to say it? I don't own any characters in this story. I only own the action figures, and they don't do anything this cool.

SUMMARY: A fill in the blanks/between the scenes on the evolution of Mulder and Scully's physical relationship.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my first serious attempt at fanfiction. Feedback is begged for! But please be gentle! All out flames may be printed out, lit up and fed to that demon baby from "Terms of Endearment." Please forgive me for any discrepancies in the timeline, I admire those who can keep track better than I. The insertion of Per Manum is entirely speculation of course, but to me it didn't seem they were physical in those flashbacks. Thanks to my friends Heather and Melissa for feedback. Special thanks to Melissa for reminding me how brooding Mulder can be. I probably still didn't come very close, but I did add a bit more angst due to her insight.

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THE PAST:

It all started with that son of a bitch, Padgett.

When I threw open the door, swept the room and saw her laying there, I forgot all about protocol. I was supposed to search the whole apartment. I don't even remember the thought crossing my mind. I knelt over her, on auto-pilot. If I thought, I don't remember what. No guilt, no anger, those would come later of course. I stared at her for what felt like a year.

Finally, when she cried out and came to, my own heart started beating again. She immediately reached out to pull me close but I stopped her. I still wasn't convinced I hadn't lost her. Then our eyes met, I saw her terror and forgot about assuring myself that he hadn't taken her from me. She was there, and she needed me with an intensity that she had never shown, had never let herself show before. She clawed at my back and all I could do was rock her, my face contorting with our shared grief.

Who knows how long I did this, past the point of my back aching and my knees screaming out in pain. Only when I noticed her discomfort, that she was shaking and most likely going into shock did I get my ass in gear. I reached for my cell phone, and realized I had taken it out of my pocket while we were surveilling that piece of shit. I looked to the coffee table and tried to reach it. When I looked down at Scully and saw how pale she was, how much she was shaking, how panicked she still was I realized I couldn't leave her and reached into her own pocket. "Just hold on, Scully." I tucked some hair behind her ear and pulled out her phone and called 911. I then called the Bureau and told them to send the necessary people.

Once that was done, I sat Scully's phone, now smeared with blood, on the floor. I sat up and pulled her across my lap, my back against the couch. I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her, trying to keep her warm. I asked her permission with my eyes and slid my hand under her shirt, up her stomach. I felt through the sticky blood, up to the skin between her breasts, over and under her left breast. I sighed in relief when I felt no open skin, no wounds. I brought my hand out and pulled her shirt back to her waist. Our eyes met and she began to cry again softly so I pushed her face into the crook of my neck. "Shh, Scully," was all I could think to say.

Before I knew it the apartment was filled with people. I managed to tell them that the last time I saw Padgett was in the basement, and gave them a description of the other suspect. I doubted they would find either one. I was later told, of course, of the condition that Padgett was found in the basement. I didn't process the information then, I was hovering over the paramedics that were hovering over her.

At the first sight of other people Scully had started to return to herself, build up her walls. She was still quite spaced out, but she was answering their questions, and trying her damndest not to go to the hospital. We had moved her into my bedroom, out of the way of the investigation in my living room. The paramedics were talking to each other quietly, trying to assess how much blood she had lost. They were flabbergasted at how she had lost so much blood with no open wounds, but they didn't ask any questions on that matter. One of them asked me if she lived alone.

"Yeah, why?"

"I think we better admit her then, she's lost a fair amount of blood and we just don't think she should be alone for the next 24 hours or so."

I looked to Scully and we had a short conversation in one glance. "I'll stay with her tonight."

The two EMTs looked between themselves and also had a conversation-filled glance. "All right, we'll just let her finish this IV, make sure we can get her blood pressure back up. Ok?"

I nodded at the paramedics, silently thanking whoever (whatever) was up there that we had gotten a pair that respected Scully's position as a doctor and both of our positions in law enforcement. Otherwise Scully might not have been a happy camper. Just then I looked outside my bedroom and saw Skinner looking in on us. I knelt in front of Scully and took her hand. "I'll be right outside." She had noticed Skinner too. She nodded and I squeezed her hand before I got up and walked with him to the hallway.

First he wanted to know of Scully's condition, then I filled him in on everything else. I told him my final conclusion was that not only was Padgett directing the killer, that he had created and since destroyed him. Skinner wasn't ready to buy anything I was selling without Scully there to seal the deal. I wasn't surprised. He expected us both to make the official report to him when she was able. Finally, I asked him to do me a favor and lock my place up after everyone was done.

I went back inside as one of the paramedics was taking out her IV. The other gave me a few instructions before they left.

I knelt in front of Scully again and asked if she was ready to go. After throwing a few things in my overnight bag, I helped her stand and wrapped the blanket she had over her shoulders tighter around her. We walked down to my car, my arm around her shoulders. We drove nearly the whole way to her apartment without a word between us. At a red light a few blocks from her apartment I looked at her. Her eyes were closed and I saw the blood on her clothes and remembered the sight of her, when I thought she was dead. Without a second thought I grasped for her hand and with a gasp she opened her eyes.

"Sorry," I said and took my hand back, resting it on the gear shift between us.

She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze as we pulled into a parking spot. I grabbed my bag out of the back seat and went around to her, instinctively putting my arm around her again as we walked into her building.

I didn't want to sit on her couch with the state of my clothes, so I sat at her kitchen table to wait while she got her shower. I hated letting her go into the other room, parting from her side. I was dwelling over that panicky feeling I had gotten when I thought I'd really lost her this time. I buried my face in my hands and took in a shaky breath. Why does this always happen to her? It seemed she got closer to death every time she faced it. What would I do without her? The disappearance of my sister had driven me to forever search. But the finality of Scully dying…I shuddered to think of the person I would become. When had she become so crucial to my day-to-day existence? Why did it take an event like this to open my eyes to her essentialness in my so-called life? More importantly, why did she stick around? This was a thought I NEVER dwelled on. I was too small of a man to admit to myself very often that neither I, nor this path that had been laid down for her were not healthy and beneficial to her well-being.

When I heard her moving around in her bedroom I put my hands over my mouth and clenched my jaw. When she emerged, I was feeling extremely exposed after exploring my emotions so thoroughly. Fortunately for me, she avoided looking directly at me as she offered her shower to me. I hoped it was only the blood that kept her from looking at me, anyway. I promised her it would only be 10 minutes. I brushed my teeth and took my shower as quickly as possible. I changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and walked out barefooted to her living room.

She was sitting on the couch, a cup of tea in her hands. She almost didn't see me until I sat down, she was staring through the TV which was on a very low volume. "Would you like some tea? Or water?"

"No," I said. "You stay put."

She nodded, slowly, in that way that says 'I've already checked out of this conversation.'

I pretended to watch the TV too, looking at her now and then. After about fifteen minutes I could see her eyelids getting heavy. I couldn't bring myself to tell her to go to bed, nor could I watch her fight sleep. I knew she didn't want to be alone, so I slowly urged her to come closer to me. I grabbed one of her couch pillows, laid it on my lap and guided her by her shoulder to rest her head on it. I pulled the blanket off of the back of her couch and draped it over her. I stroked her hair a few times before she was out like a light.

As I watched her sleep the guilt and anger I mentioned earlier, that I had pushed away in my apartment, washed over me. Who did that bastard think he was? He couldn't know Scully better than herself, better than I. I put my feet up on her coffee table and continued to seethe. That part of his book, where he implied I look at her just like all the other males in our world. That's what got to me the most. He didn't know! That I had once told her something completely different. Right in front of what would later be the morons doorway, I might add. But did I really know her? Suddenly, as I looked down at her innocent sleeping profile it occurred to me that maybe she had doubts that left her susceptible to believing in his presumptuous words. That I saw her as this emotionless drone that must have no passion or desire in her personal life, if she couldn't show it at work. The tragic double standard for professional women. It was absurdity in my opinion, that she could possibly believe that I saw her as anything but larger than life. Beyond perfect. Perhaps that was why she was so quick to believe that maybe Padgett was on to something, being able to foresee what people were going to do. Because maybe she actually believed that he saw something inside of her that no one else, not even she, could see.

I randomly remembered the incident that lead to her tattoo—not that I hated it. I shook my head, not letting myself imagine it: the one glimpse I had gotten of the colorful ouroboros. Why did I think of that incident at that moment? Were the two connected? I took a step back and thought of it from the point of view of my psychological background. Usually, I tried not to 'profile' in my personal relationships. I couldn't help it, sometimes.

Were these acts of rebellion? Against the strong male influence in her life, me? It probably in some small way went all the way back to her father. It's the only thing that made sense. The only thing that would explain my otherwise smart Scully getting drunk, getting a tattoo and staying the night with some stranger; sitting on another stranger's bed drinking coffee that could have easily been drugged. How could Padgett be right? But it certainly was the only thing that made sense of why she would do this. And if this is what had become of it this time, I thought as I got an image of her on the floor with blood all over, what would happen next time? I felt my stomach churn.

I considered trying to tell her what she needed to hear. How do you tell someone what they mean to you without sounding like some ridiculously sappy, flute-filled love song on the adult contemporary station? Rose and Jack for $1000, Alex. I'm the king of the world…

Before I could finish that thought, Scully gasped and turned over onto her back, her head thrashing and her hands fighting off an invisible attacker as she let out a grunt. I moved my hand to her forehead and began to push her hair back away from her face. I grabbed her hands and said, "Shh, Scully. I have to tell you something." She immediately stilled, but I had no idea if she was awake. The words, in a whisper, came out anyway. "He was wrong. I notice you. I notice you every day. I see you as the most competent, most loyal partner a pain in the ass like me could ask for. And then some!" Perhaps I was angry at Padgett for even being the reason for her nightmares in the first place, and had to let her know he was wrong. Or maybe I had been wanting to say it…You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, right? The words kept coming.

For whatever reason I had lowered my mouth almost to her ear. "I also see you as my friend, as corny as it sounds, my best friend." My hand released hers and rested on her stomach. "And just in case that bastard is right and you don't know this, I see you as a woman. In EVERY way." I kissed her cheek right above her ear. "You deserved to hear this before some asshole came along claiming to know it's what you needed. I swear every time you're taken from me…" I had to clear my throat to keep my voice from cracking. "I swear every time that if I'm so lucky to get you back again, I'm going to tell you. Of course THIS asshole never finds the words or the time to say so. It's why I don't deserve you, and why I can't give you up. I'm yours." Holy shit. Where did that come from?

I cleared my throat again and closed my eyes, just staying there a moment. I didn't think, at least I hoped that didn't sound like a damned Hallmark card…if you left out the last two words.

I smelled her hair and sighed. If Padgett only knew. Yet another reason I couldn't believe in his 'abilities': He wrote me as someone that looked right through Scully. That couldn't have been further from the truth. Ever since she had nearly let me kiss her in my hallway before she was stung, and then my adventure in the Bermuda Triangle…my thoughts and curiosities had drifted more and more to my partner late at night. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of her shampoo so fresh from her shower, storing the memory for later use. I was one sick puppy.

I was just then beginning to wonder if she was awake for any of that. Finally she sighed, sniffled lightly and I knew. She turned her head towards mine so I had to raise my head and look down at her. I looked at her wet eyes and asked her in a wordless conversation if she heard, no, if she understood what I'd said. She nodded, sniffled once more before smiling in a way that made my heart skip a beat. She understood me. My eyes held hers for another moment until she licked her lips. My eyes darted to them and then back to her eyes. I licked my own lips and found my thumb on her lips before I realized it. She inhaled deeply as my thumb brushed over her perfect bottom lip, and it took so much to keep from kissing her. I had done enough for one night and she had been through so much. I simply kissed her forehead before I leaned back on the couch again, allowed her to turn onto her side once more. With one hand on her shoulder and the other draped over the armrest, I slept with her the rest of the night.

xxxxx

After I taught Scully how to hit a baseball, I paid the kid. Ten extra dollars, I might add. I sent him home and looked over to Scully on home plate. We started walking toward each other and met somewhere between home and the pitcher's mound. Was that a twinkle in her eye?

"What?" she asked.

"You're all right, G-woman."

"Just all right?" she smiled and swung the bat around a little with one hand.

"Well, you had me backing you up."

"You don't think I can do it by myself," she stated. I saw the younger sister of two brothers come out in her. Bingo.

"You can always give it a try, but…"

"Get your ass back there, G-man." She pointed toward the pitching machine with the bat before turning around and stomping back to home. I smiled and watched her go for a moment.

"Go on then!" she turned and shouted while she walked.

"Yes ma'am," I said to myself. When I got back to the pitcher's mound, I turned off the machine.

"What are you doing?!" she shouted at me.

I carefully moved the machine to the side and picked up the glove I had brought, hoping I would get the opportunity to use it. I picked up a ball and got ready for a pitch.

She nodded and said something along the lines of "bring it on, then."

I threw one straight down the middle, and she hit a grounder straight for me. "Scully, out at first!"

She put her hand on her hip and stuck her tongue out at me. I didn't know if I was just observing it more since I'd told her so, or she was letting it show more. I had definitely been noticing the woman in her quite a bit the last few days. I smiled at her.

"What?" she asked, looking behind her, like I hadn't been looking at her.

"Get ready now!" I told her, lining myself up. I threw another one straight down the middle and she hit another grounder, that time making me hustle a little to get to the ball, but I did. "Scully out at first, again!"

"Yeah, yeah. At least I'm hitting them, Mulder!"

"All right, all right."

I lined up again, admiring her batter's stance as I did. Next I threw a fast ball, also right down the middle. It flew past her and she swung way too late. "Come on, Scully! Keep your eye on the ball!" I could see this was having the desired effect on her, and she put on her game face. She was immediately ready again. She stared me down and actually kicked the ground a little, digging her shoe in the dirt. It was coming naturally to her. I smiled and tucked my glove under my arm, pulling a package of Big League Chew out of my pocket. Of course I offered her some.

"Come on, Mulder!" she yelled as she rested the bat on the ground, glaring me down.

I shrugged and took a pinch, taking my time putting it back in my pocket and putting my glove back on. She sighed and got ready again. Finally I picked up another ball and lined it up. I threw her a curve ball. She watched it, waited for it and smacked it a pretty good distance into right field.

"That's good, Scully! Hips before hands though, do I need to come show you again?" I asked with a shit-eating grin.

"Just throw the ball, Mulder." She tried not to smile but I could see the smallest hint of one.

Smiling myself I picked up another ball. I threw one right down the middle for her, and knew it as soon as I saw her start to swing. She made contact and knocked it out of the park. We stood there smiling at each other for a moment.

"Am I out at first?" she asked and I wondered if she was going to stick out her tongue again.

"No, Agent Scully. That's a home run." She smiled at me and looked down, biting her lip. I wished she wouldn't do that, as endearing as it was. I so rarely got to see her really smile. "You had enough?"

"Yeah. Let's get out of here."

It took us a few minutes to clean up after ourselves. We walked around and collected baseballs in a comfortable silence. After we loaded everything into my trunk we turned and looked at each other, each with a hand on the car. "Did you have any plans for the rest of the night?" I asked.

"Why? You don't want to go home?"

"Not really," I say.

"Well then, where to?"

"Get in the car."

She nodded and did that. I drove a couple of blocks and pulled up in front of a brightly lit unit in a shopping center.

"Come on, Mulder. What's this?"

"Somewhere they don't sell non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicles."

She smirked and just sat there. "Go with it, Scully," I said and climbed out of the car. She hesitantly followed me and I held the door open for her.

The kid behind the counter didn't look too happy to see us. "You got about 5 minutes. You gotta take it with you."

"That's fine," I said. "I'll have the sweet cream, 2 scoops. Mix in the Snickers, put that on a chocolate dipped waffle cone, please…and whatever she wants."

Scully looked at me, scratch that, glared at me as she ordered low fat vanilla yogurt in a small cup, no fixins. I sighed at her in exaggerated contempt as I paid the kid. A few minutes later he was following us to the door. He locked it right behind us without a thank you. Scully looked back with raised eyebrows, not that the kid was watching, he was already turning out the lights. "Must have a hot date," I shrugged and we climbed in the car.

We sat there for a minute or so, while I pretended not to notice she was staring me down while I all but made love to my ice cream. I watched her take a spoonful of the boring crap out of the corner of my eye and looked at her as soon as she put it in her mouth, grinning ear to ear.

She tried to act like she enjoyed it for a moment, then coughed lightly and groaned. Then she laughed at the same time I did. "Jesus, I have no words."I simply raised my eyebrows and took a lick of my cone. She sat there and watched for a few moments, then she started wiping off her spoon. "Mulder, let me have some."

"Nope."

"….Please."

I laughed. "Oh, all right." I let her scoop a spoonful out and watch her eat it. She tried not to enjoy it as much as she did. I smirked and broke off a piece of the cone, holding it out in front of her face.

"No, Mulder."

"Yes, Scully."

She glared at me for a moment like she really didn't want it. Then rolled her eyes and started to raise her hand. She stopped and met my eyes again, dropped her hand and leaned in and took it with her mouth. Touché, Scully. Did I imagine her lip brush my finger? I cleared my throat and brought my hand back to my side, fidgeting slightly. I was seeing her as a woman, indeed.

A few quiet minutes later, I took what small bit was left of my cone, and her whole cup to the trash can in front of the place. I climbed back in the car and started the ignition. We both did the 'look at the other while the other isn't looking' thing a few times on the drive back to the park to pick up her car. When we got there she put her hand on the door handle, but didn't get out. We did look at each other this time.

I cleared my throat and raised one eyebrow. "Would you like another hips before hands lesson before bed, Scully?"

"Mmm, if only. But alas, the lights are out," she said, gesturing toward the ballpark lights.

"I know," I smiled and moved in closer. "There are some bases you don't need lights to find…"

She laughed, doing that endearing thing that maybe I didn't really mind so much. "Good night, Mulder." She hesitated and moved in a bit herself, then blushed, opened the car door and got out.

I knew she would hope I didn't see her blush, but it didn't take much light to see on her face. Still smiling to myself, I waited for her to start her car and drive away. "Good night, Scully."

xxxxx

As we stood there, watching the ball drop on the TV, I thought of what a year it had been. Most recently, we had gotten bad news back on our attempt at Scully's insemination. It had been a hard time for Scully, and for me. More than I cared to admit. Not just because I hated to see her go through it, but also because I had hoped more than I ever imagined that I might get the chance to be a father. Almost immediately after that, I had gotten sick and Scully went to Africa to do what she did for me.

But those things were in the past and there we were. We had become closer than ever. I felt there might even eventually be something more in the future, the more I thought about it. I had begun to feel happy around her. Wait…

God damn, I was not going to sound like a love-sick angsty kid.

I sighed. I watched the New Year come. Since when did I care what I sound like? I looked at her. She was everything to me and I'd told her as much. My touch stone, my constant, my one in five billion. I leaned in and she looked at me. No hesitation, I was going to kiss her. Another countdown: 3…2…1…

There were no fireworks, no rampant passion and getting the nearest empty room to ourselves. We didn't mind. We smiled at each other with a promise of what may come. I said something about the world not ending, and she agreed.

As sweet as it was, we both realized tonight wasn't right. We had been through so much lately, and maybe we needed time to heal. Maybe it was just some sick delayed gratification game we had going or fear of ruining the good thing we already had. But we agreed, yet again without words to let it be…for now.

xxxxx

God damn him! God damn Donnie Pfaster and every other sick fuck on this planet who ever touched her! I was on fire inside, but cold as ice outside. If he'd killed her though, he was mine. We both heard her coming at the same time. I wanted to punch his lights out, bash his head in and get Scully out of there. The look in her eyes stopped me though. What was this?

After she had shot him, she dropped her gun and stared at me, white as a sheet. I quickly knelt down, checked for Pfaster's pulse and sighed. He was dead. Scully looked at me questioningly and I nodded. How would she take this? I holstered my gun, then put her gun in my waist band, getting it out of Pfaster's reach as I was supposed to.

"Come here," I stood up and tried to pull her into a hug.

"No, Mulder." She looked at Phaster and started to move for the phone.

"Scully, come here!" I grabbed her and pulled her to me, not giving her an option.

She stood there stiffly and I just held her that way for a while. I tilted her head up towards mine. She wouldn't meet my eyes but I didn't mind. Our first encounter with Pfaster had ended in much the same way. I didn't force her to look at me this time, though. I knew her well enough now to know that she would come to me when she needed me. I just wanted to check her over. I untied the gag around her neck and used it to wipe up the blood under her nose. Didn't do the best job, but I couldn't stand to look at it.

"Where else are you hurt?" I looked down at her body.

She shook her head. "Stop it. Let's get this over with." I let her go this time.

A couple hours later I sat with her in her bedroom and discussed what had happened. I had no idea how to comfort her, and I hated myself for it. She packed a bag and we left, her landlord promising to lock up.

When we got to my apartment we took turns with the shower. When I came out she was sitting at my desk. "I'm tired. If you don't mind I'd just like to go to bed."

"Scully, we need to talk," I said, worried.

"No, I need to sleep."

"Fine," I sighed. "You're fine, as always." I said that a little more harshly than I meant to but she didn't even notice. "I just washed the sheets, bed's all yours"

She walked past me without a glance.

Hours later I was on the couch, reading some psychology book, trying to make sense of the world. Just as I closed my eyes and thought maybe I would doze only for a minute, something was wrong. I knew it before I heard her. I got up and was halfway to the bedroom when she made a gut-wrenching noise deep in her throat. They say you shouldn't wake a person from a nightmare, but I didn't even have time to think about what 'they say.' I went in and put my hands on her shoulders. Before I could say anything she was screaming wildly and fighting me. Fighting for her life, Scully style.

"Scully! It's me. Stop it, Scully!" She reared back and her fist made contact with my jaw. I grabbed her wrists just as she started to wake up.

"Mulder?"

"I'm here.." I let go of her wrists.

I waited a few moments while she came to, remembering why she was in my apartment, what had happened. She sat up and sighed. I looked at her in the small bit of light from street lamps outside, and my own lamps in the living room. Our eyes met and I saw her pain. I sat in front of her, tried to pull her toward me and she immediately winced.

"Close your eyes," I told her, and turned on the lamp next to my bed. I moved behind her and raised her shirt up her back as gently as possible. "God damn him!" I pictured the broken mirror in Scully's bedroom and with her bruised back in front of me I made the connections. He had thrown her against it. I slowly lowered her shirt and she sighed. "God damn him."

"Mulder…" she turned to me. "What happened to you?" She hesitantly motioned to my face, not wanting to touch it.

I shook my head.

"Jesus, Mulder." She hung her head down and I moved to sit in front of her again. "Stop it. They say you're not supposed to wake someone from a nightmare. I just forgot."

We sat there for 10 minutes maybe, both stewing in our emotions. Finally when I looked up at her, her eyelids were heavy. I lifted her chin to look in her eyes. I couldn't comfort her, I didn't know how. All I did was slowly move in and kiss the corner of her mouth, next to her split lip. I squeezed her chin a little between my fingers before I turned off the lamp and started to walk out.

"Mulder, lay with me?" It wasn't a desperate request, from a broken woman. It wasn't an invite to move our relationship to the next level. She simply needed me to be there, and I would. I kept my flannel pants and t-shirt on and climbed into bed behind her. I stayed over the blanket and she under, and simply rested my hand on her waist.

Was I hurting her? "Is that ok?"

"Yes," she said, and her breathing slowed almost immediately.

The next morning I was under the covers, she had turned toward me, and I had taken her hand at some point. I squeezed her hand gently and she slowly opened her eyes. I saw pain immediately. I brought her something for the pain and some water.

She asked me if I would take her to her mother's, so she could stay there while her apartment was repaired. I understood. She asked me not to mention this situation to her mother and I agreed. She would tell her in time. When I dropped her off, her mother wasn't there so I carried Scully's bag to her mother's porch and made sure she made it inside safely.

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked. I didn't add 'alone.' I knew she was capable of taking care of herself.

"Yes. Thank you Mulder." Before walking inside she turned back to me, pulled me down with a hand on the back of my neck and kissed my bruised jaw before giving me a hug.

I sighed when she shut the door. We would be okay, too.

xxxxx

That night in my apartment, after my mother died, I was lost. The only thing more traumatic had been the loss of my sister, and I have no doubt Scully was the only thing that saved me—as always. I lost it for a moment. I had the urge to trash everything, make my apartment look the way I felt on the inside. Scully brought me back, held me as I cried.

We sat that way for maybe five minutes until I could tell she was becoming uncomfortable. I let her stand and take off her jacket. I took it from her and draped it over the back of the chair I was in and she took off her shoes. I looked up at her, and felt a tear run down my face. Was I still crying?

Scully wiped the tear from my face and I took a deep , uneven breath. She took my hand and led me to the couch. We sat half facing each other, and she guided me with her hand on the back of my head into another embrace. Her maternal tenderness broke my heart all over again. I wept for who knows how long.

After the tears began to slow again, I stayed there with my face in the crook of her neck. I took another unsteady breath and we stayed that way. She went from stroking my back, to my neck. She didn't say a word. Her presence was enough. Finally I began to bury my nose into her skin. Her scent was so comforting. After a few moments, I must have hit a sensitive spot. I could tell by the way she sighed. I paused for a moment. Should I stop?

No, as soon as I did, I began to think about my mother again. Why didn't she tell me she was dying? So I continued. I smelled Scully once more, and then began to brush my lips over the spot. I realized it was her pulse point. Her breathing became more rapid almost immediately.

"Mulder," she said. Was she telling me to stop? To go on? I chose to believe the latter. I ran my tongue over the spot with pressure, and she gasped.

"Mulder," she said again in that indecisive tone. She pushed on my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her pupils slightly dilated. With decisive movements, I shifted my body over hers and pushed her back against the arm rest of my couch, positioning my hips between her legs. I buried my hand in her hair and kissed her closed mouthed but forcefully. I ran my tongue along the bottom of her upper lip, begging her to let me in. She did at the same time she wrapped her arms around my neck. My tongue plunged into her mouth, and I forgot everything. I kissed her for I had no idea how long. Eventually she moaned, and it drove me crazy. I went from turned on to extremely aroused within a second. I grinded my hips against her and let her know my state.

Before I knew it, her hands were on my shoulders, pushing me back. I ignored for her for a moment until she used too much force to ignore. I pried my lips from hers with a frustrated sigh. I looked down at her and heard a voice that didn't sound like mine, but certainly wasn't hers. "I need you."

She moved her mouth, trying to find her words again. "I'm here," she finally managed to whisper. I rocked my hips against hers again, leaning down to kiss her. She pushed back even more forcefully on my shoulders, and used this same gentle force in her voice. "But not like this. Not tonight, Mulder."

I sighed shakily, looking into her eyes. Somehow I knew if I were to continue, she would bend to my will. Of course Scully wouldn't do this unless it was what she wanted. I started to move in again and she let me, that damned trust in her eyes. Suddenly, I knew she was right. I sighed and looked above her head, at my fish tank. Reality washed over me again like a tidal wave. I backed off of her, sitting back on the other end of the couch. I buried the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw stars.

"I'm sorry, Scully."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Mulder." She said and I looked at her. I believed her, as I always did.

I watched her stand, pull her shirt down over her waist and walk to my bathroom. I went into my bedroom and turned on my TV. When she came out, we sat on the end of the bed and watched it for hours. She constantly looked over to me, a few times held my hand, and once more held me close as I cried silently.

It was a sleepless night. When the sun came up we moved to the kitchen and made coffee together in silence. We sat on the couch and she put her shoes back on. Eventually I took her hand, and was about to thank her for staying with me when Skinner knocked on my door. She got up and answered, and he told her what was going on in the case with the missing little girl.

xxxxx

To say I was worried would have been an understatement. I was packing for the trip to England and I couldn't stop brewing over the conversation in our office. Scully was acting strangely, again. There were two years between Jerse and Padgett, and here a year since Padgett. Was she about to do it again? I had told her how I felt after Padgett. Hell, we had tried to have a baby together. I was lost.

I had begun to believe there was maybe some truth to what Padgett said. I had come to dwell on that lately. Was Agent Scully in love? She had let me kiss her after my mother's death. She had wanted it too. I had almost convinced myself of what he had implied, was ready to give and receive. Had I not said enough? Did she want more? Was it too much for her?

That morning when she had seemed so distant, I choked. I wanted to ask her what was wrong and get to the bottom of it before she did something rash. But honestly I was hurt from the way she had brushed me off. Was this a reaction to the failed in-vitro? We had never really discussed that in depth.

I respected that she was tired. Couldn't she have said it differently? So I planned to leave. I hadn't planned on asking her for that favor, but I had to call her. Don't ask me why. Maybe I was checking up on her.

Scully was still acting strangely on the phone. I almost didn't want to go, I wanted to stay and wait for the fall out of this funk she was in. I decided that might only make it worse. And I really did want to witness this crop circle event. So I went.

Maybe she could have used some soul searching, and it wouldn't hurt to do a little of that myself. A while back I had found out about my neurological disorder. A result of the black oil given to me in those tests. Of course I considered telling Scully, but I hadn't.

Two days later, I was home. Scully had found me on the street and apologized in her own way, and I in mine for yet again assuming she wanted to drop everything to investigate something like crop circles.

She fell asleep as we were talking on the couch. I looked at her in wonder. I knew she was exhausted but I never understood how she could fall asleep anywhere, sitting up like that. She was like a child in that way. I tucked some hair behind her ear and looked at her. I wanted to kiss her. Was so relieved she was back and felt she could tell me everything. But I let her sleep.

I watched TV in my room for an hour or so. I walked through the living room, smiled at Scully and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I rinsed out my glass, turned it over in the dish drainer and started turning off all the lights. She stirred and I paused, hoping not to wake her. She opened her eyes. "Sorry," I said quietly.

She inhaled and rubbed her eyes. I stood in front of her and smiled down at her. "Go back to sleep."

"I've got to use your bathroom," she said and got up. I wondered if she would go home.

I began picking up our mess from earlier, now that I wouldn't disturb her. I was in the kitchen, rinsing out the mugs we had used for tea. She came and rested her hip against the counter next to me, watching me work. I smiled at her and looked down, noticing she had taken off her jacket. She wasn't leaving. I looked back and finished my task with the dishes, turned off the water and noticed her looking at my chest as I dried my hands. I wasn't wearing a shirt, just some cotton sleep pants.

We looked at each other for a minute and she moved closer to me.

"You need anything? Some water? That's about all I got right now." I put down the dish towel I dried off with on the counter.

She rested her hand on mine, our eyes locked. "No."

I nodded, looked down at her. Her eyes strayed down my neck and to my chest again where they stopped. She was thinking.

"What?" I finally asked and squeezed her hand.

She shook her head. "I was…I don't know. Just thinking about…life."

I smirked. "You fell asleep on that conversation earlier."

She smiled softly. "I know..I just wanted you to know something." She was talking in that calm, sure voice I had heard earlier. "I don't know what came over me a few days ago. It's a cycle for me, I think. I get..discontent, tired of the same old thing. Even though in our work every day is different, it's not." She cleared her throat, I knew she wasn't done but she was trying to find the words. We made eye contact again. Her eyes filled with tears the way they always do when she's about to say something difficult. "I think…"

She cleared her throat again and looked away. "What are you saying, Scully? It's too much sometimes?" I could understand that. I got panicky all of a sudden and looked at her intently, "Is it too much?"

"Mulder, calm down." She said and our eyes met again. She shook her head, trying to find her words, or something.

"Well what are you saying?"

"I don't know…"

"You can tell me… anything." I squeezed her hand.

"I don't miss the life I left behind. I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be right here in this one. So don't get me wrong, but I feel there are parts of that simple life that I do miss." She is trying to hold her tears in her eyes and not let them spill. "Mulder…I'm tired… of," she sighed and looked at my chest. "I'm tired of this thing hanging here between us."

I waited for her to explain but she didn't. I nudged her to look at me again with a finger on her chin. "This thing…?" I asked.

"This," she answered quietly. She bit her lip nervously and my eyes darted to them. When I looked back into her eyes I saw something different. A brand new look for me. My own eyes asked 'what?' as my brain finally clicked. It had been a long time since I welcomed that look from any other woman. She sighed nervously at my hesitation and looked away. My fingers guided her by her chin to look at me again, and I did as she requested. I moved my hand to the back of her head. My fingers laced through her hair, I pulled her face to mine and I kissed her.

I had in fact done my soul searching while in England. I visited Stonehenge and made some decisions, among the ancient structure. I had decided NOT to tell Scully for a while about my brain disease. My mark on her life had been dark and ugly a vast majority of the time. If I had an undetermined amount of time left with her, I had vowed to myself to continue this thing we had going. I had seen her truly smile more times in the last year than I had in the years of partnership before that. I wanted to bring to her life what she had brought to mine. To have simply told her I was ill would have put the brakes on everything. And if I died, my legacy on this planet would be forgotten. Scully would ever be the only one who truly knew me. To some it might have seemed a completely selfish decision to not tell her, and pursue a physical relationship. But she was strong, and I knew she would grieve for me either way. At least this way, she would see what she meant to me. My mark on her life could be something good and pure.

I returned my thoughts to our kiss. She closed her eyes and stood up on her toes, moving a hand to the back of my neck. I pulled her close with a hand on her back, kissing her slowly and softly. I sighed and smiled against her lips. There were no threats of quitting, leaving. No bees. No New Year's Eve and no lost parents. Just Scully.

I rubbed my hands up and down her back as we continued kissing softly for a while. One hand came to rest on her lower back and I began to slowly work my fingers between the fabrics of her skirt and her shirt, stroking the small of her back lightly. That ignited something in her because she began to breathe faster. I responded to her reaction and our tongues collided. I scraped my nails lightly over the skin of her lower back and she tore her lips from mine and gasped my name.

I instinctively thought I'd gone too far and pulled back to look at her. Our eyes met and I lost time. Somehow, so quickly I didn't even realize it, I had her sitting up on my kitchen counter. My hand was buried in her hair, holding her head back to give me access to her neck. My mouth was on the spot I remembered getting a great reaction before, the pulse point. God, I could taste her perfume. I couldn't get enough. Her hands were on my upper arms, urging me closer. She said my name in a way I'd never heard before and I sighed against her neck, the gravity of what was happening hitting me full force. "Jesus, Scully." I was smiling. "What are we doing?"

"Shut up, Mulder."

I pushed her legs apart, started to move my hips between them and met some resistance. I pried my lips away from her neck and she gasped. I looked down between us and was relieved to find the only resistance I was getting was from her skirt. It was stopping her legs from spreading wide enough. I looked into her eyes and moved my hand to the small of her back, holding her there while I ran my hand up her thigh and pushed up her skirt. Finally I pulled her to me with one hand on her back and one on her smooth thigh. God, she'd taken off her pantyhose in my bathroom.

Our eyes were locked for another minute as we each caught our breath. Finally our mouths joined again and I urged her with my hand on her back to press her hips against mine. She scratched her nails lightly down my back and I shuddered. I ran my hand up her back and met more resistance halfway, stopped by her shirt. I pulled my lips from hers again and pulled her shirt over her head, set it on the counter next to her. I looked down at her, no, I gazed down at her. She was wearing a black, lacy bra. Once before I'd seen her bra, our first case. For some reason I always imagined she'd always wear something so plain. Not that that wasn't sexy in its own way. But this? I just stared. "To take from the smooth words of Frohike, Scully: You're hot."

She laughed deep in her throat and leaned in, wrapped her arms around me and kissed my neck. I sighed and pulled her close, feeling her skin against my stomach, running my hands all over her back. She was kissing here, nipping there, trying to find my own sensitive spots. I tensed up in anticipation when I felt her getting close. She latched on to the area right below and behind my earlobe with her teeth and I thrust my hips into hers, sucked in a breath between my own clenched teeth. I couldn't hold her close enough, I ran my fingernails down her back lightly. She gasped and bit that spot a little harder before kissing some more.

I groaned and pounded my fist against the counter, pushing her up higher on it with my hips. My nails pressed into her back and dragged, probably breaking the skin a little. She switched sides on my neck but went for the same spot, her arms and legs pulling me closer to her. She bit down even harder still, on the verge of breaking the skin with a noise coming from her throat somewhere. It took all I had to gently push her back with my hands on her shoulders. We both obviously didn't mind a little pain at all. But if we kept this up we wouldn't move from my dingy kitchen before we were through.

She looked up at me, silently asking if she was too rough and I shook my head, rubbed her shoulders and tried to catch my breath. This reassured her and she understood. "Come on," I said as I lowered her to the floor and lowered her skirt. I picked up her shirt but didn't hand it to her, took her hand and started to lead her toward my bedroom. I looked at her before we went in. We stood there, facing each other. Our eyes met and I knelt down to gently kiss her lips before leading her to the bed. I sat down and looked up at her standing in front of me. I unzipped the side of her skirt. She nodded and I pulled it down, actually shaking a little. I was a lucky man. I put my hand on her hip, feeling the lace of the panties that matched the bra. My eyes were taking it all in. The contrast of black on milky white, her perfectly toned stomach, the gentle inward curve between the start of her ribcage and the flare of her hips. I pulled her close and kissed the skin under her bra. She pushed me back and straddled my legs, lowering herself enough to kiss me again. We had our arms wrapped around each other and kissed until we were quite worked up again.

I picked her up, turned her over and laid her back against the pillows. I looked down at her a while, trying to regain control of myself again. She reached between us, untying the drawstring of my pants. Ok…this was happening. She carefully lowered them, then pushed them off with her feet while I lifted one knee, then the other. I moved slowly, hooking my finger on the hip of her panties, but hesitated. I looked at her and she nodded. I was trembling a little as I threw her panties aside and lowered my hips between her legs again. We nodded at each other and I rested on my elbows, my forearms under her shoulders. She guided me into her and then laid back, her hands on the pillows, watching me. I took deep breaths and slowly pushed inside her. She sighed, closed her eyes and whispered my name. I clenched my fists and bit my lips, still trying to move slowly. I couldn't concentrate on how this felt for more than two seconds without feeling the tell-tale tightening, like I was about to explode into her. I stopped once or twice when she gasped or winced, it had obviously been a while for both of us.

Eventually I was all the way inside, and I was biting my lips and staring at the headboard. I could feel her twitching around me, she was arching her back and moving her hips a little. I was glad to let her do her thing for a while, without having to move too much because Christ, I was about to bite my lips off from holding back.

Finally she raised her legs higher on me and brought her arm down, grabbing my ass and urging me to thrust. I did so and groaned at how wet she had gotten. She shuddered and I looked at her, moving my hands to the sides of her face. She lifted her legs higher still on the next thrust and moaned, deep in her throat.

"Awh..shit, Scully…" I looked at her with urgency and she nodded, digging her nails into my ass and urging me deeper. I lowered my head to her neck and pushed my teeth into her pulse point. "You feel...too good…so good. Christ Scully!" I was disappointed in my lack of control. I pulled back and gave two or three deep, hard thrusts. I desperately hoped that would do it for her, because it certainly did for me. For a moment I was lost and had no idea if she had joined me or not. I was emptying into her more than I thought humanly possible. I'm sure I yelled out, it was so intense, but I don't remember. Finally I was aware enough to realize she was biting her lip and definitely coming down from something herself. Her back was arched and she was gripping my shoulders tightly. She was gasping and her whole body twitching with my movements in that way a woman does afterwards. In my relief I rested my cheek on hers as my movements slowed, and her legs lowered back down on my hips.

Eventually we were still, except our breathing which also returned to normal. I kissed her cheek, then her lips softly. There were no words spoken. Not that I could have formed any. I finally looked at her and we smiled briefly before I slowly pulled out of her. I looked to my bedside table and was grateful to see there was still a box of tissues there from the last time I was down with a cold. I handed her a few and she took them, cleaned up a little. I moved off of her and let her go to the bathroom, falling onto my back and watching her go.

When she came back to bed, I gave her some covers and we looked at each other for a while. I brushed my fingers over her cheek before she smiled and turned over. I stayed on my back, but rested my arm on her pillow, slowly stroking her hair.

THE PRESENT:

Now I lie here and think about the moments that led up to this. I hear her breathing slow and she is asleep again. It takes me a while but I go to sleep, thinking of every step we took, getting to this point.

In the morning, she is gone. Was that disappointment? I get up and get ready for work. Putting on my tie, I make a goofy little face and congratulate myself in the mirror before rolling my eyes and laughing, wondering what Scully would think of me.

I skip a few things from my morning routine. I need gas this morning too, but I keep going. I'll get it later.

I get to the office before her. Bummer. I check my email and voice mail for any new leads, put away a few files I'd left out in my haste to leave for England, and sit back down. By now she's 20 minutes later than usual.

I'll call her. No, I'll wait until she's at least 30 minutes late. I play with my pencils for eight minutes. Just as I'm about to call her, she walks in. I hang the phone up and look her way, but she's already got her back to me, taking off her jacket. My eyes linger on her ass a moment longer than usual. 'I love those pants,' I think as I bite absentmindedly on one of my pencils, leaving marks.

"Sorry I'm late," she says. She turns around, walks to her area and puts her stuff down. She looks around and sees no coffee, so she scurries off to do that with no complaints that I was there first, I could have made the coffee. Odd. A couple minutes later she comes back, sets my mug in front of me and turns her back to me, looking for any other distractions, her face tense. Not finding any, since I was keeping myself busy by straightening up earlier, she sighs and turns to me. "Any leads? Any new cases?"

"Yeah, this one could be an X-File, Scully." I quip. "It's an age old problem, actually. Two people sleep together and one of them pretends it didn't happen." Shocker!

She has the audacity to look…what, offended? She sighs and looks up at the ceiling, resting her tongue on her upper lip. "Mulder."

"It's fine, Scully. Whatever. Yeah, I've got a lead, from Skinner. Need you to go here and look at a body for this M.E. Says he has something we might be interested in." I hand her a post it note I had jotted the name and address of a morgue on when I heard a voice mail from Skinner. Usually I'd go but I needed to cool down.

She stares at me for a moment before taking another sip of her coffee and setting it down on my desk. I look busy on my computer the whole time. She grabs her things without a word and leaves. I sigh and bury my head in my hands. "You…are such…an ass!" I say to myself.

Could I have looked any more pathetic? I'm not heart broken or anything. I've always refused to believe I'd ever be that guy from a stupid angsty chick flick. Let it go, I say.

I try to keep busy the rest of the morning, but I keep thinking about her. What she said, how she looked at me. How she smelled, how she felt, her moaning my name...Oh, hell! This was the whole reason we didn't make love…make love? You sappy moron. Whatever, this was the whole reason we didn't do THAT after my mother died. So that it wouldn't be weird! Why is she…the phone rings and I sigh, rub my face and slap myself a little harder than I meant to. Ow. I'm rubbing my cheek when I pick up the phone. "Mulder…" Could I sound more depressed?

"Mulder, it's me. It's not an X-File."

"What isn't?" I ask, a loaded question.

"Well, I meant the body Skinner had for us. Meet me for lunch and we'll talk."

"We can talk about work here. At the OFFICE, Scully."

"Mulder, shut up and meet me at our usual place. Give me half an hour."

I hang up without a word. Will I go? Of course I will. Am I a pathetic moron? Yes, I am. I wasn't going to be early again. I wasn't THAT pathetic.

45 minutes later I walk in and she's there. I won't look at her as I take the seat across from her and pick up the menu. I haven't looked at the menu here in three years. Well, maybe I want something different today!

She gives me a minute before I hear her say, "Mulder". She's already ordered me an iced tea so I get busy adding my sweetener.

She laughs a little "Mulder!"

"What in the HELL could possibly be funny, Scully?" I hiss in a whisper and finally look at her.

She smiles softly and looks up at me through her lashes and I bring it down a notch.

"I'm serious."

"Ok, Mulder. Listen to me. Did you think this was going to be easy? For either of us?"

"No, but"

"Just listen, Mulder. Did you think we were just going to start…doing things like some normal couple?" She sees the answer in my eyes. "No, right? Just…work is work. Ok? I know you're the last person I need to tell that to."

Realization slowly washes over me.

She sees my relief. "It won't be easy, but we'll figure it out. Work is work, though. No funny business."

I take a deep breath and sit back to look at her, smiling. She smiles back for a brief second, then looks around.

"Hey, Scully. It's a little warm out for a turtle neck, isn't it?" I say with a grin, folding my fingers behind my head. The waitress is sitting the food that Scully's already ordered for us on the table. Scully blushes.

After the waitress walks off I bring my arms down and grab my sandwich. "Isn't it though?"

"Shut up, Mulder," she says and throws a piece of lettuce from her salad my way. She tries not to smile, passing me a file and filling me in on the non X-File she spent her morning looking into.

I know we'll be ok. I'm hers. And she is mine.

xxxxx

After I made my final wish and released the genia I called Scully.

"Hey, Scully? What are you doing tonight?" I ask with a smile in my voice.

"No plans...why?" she asks hesitantly.

"Come over."

"And sit back seat on your magic carpet ride? I don't know, Mulder…" She's trying to sound serious, but I know better.

"She's gone. Just come over."

"Fine...I'll be right there."

We hang up and I do a little straightening up. Thirty minutes later I hear her familiar knock. I open the door and let her in. She stands there, arms crossed, looking around.

"She's really gone. Wanna watch a movie?"

A few minutes later we're sitting on the couch with a couple of beers. I smile at her after she asks what my final wish was. She grabs the popcorn and we settle in to watch the movie.

She eats her popcorn for a few minutes and looks at me.

"You set her free."

I smile again and rest my hand on her leg, acting engrossed in the movie. Actually I'm thinking of the past month or so, since we first...did our thing. We had not, in fact, fallen into the routine of a normal couple. At first I had been apprehensive that our partnership would be affected. Surprisingly, work had come just as naturally as it ever had. We disagreed on our theories as we always had, but it wasn't personal. It had been a rough few weeks weeks, tobacco beetles and doppelgangers. I didn't want to dwell on that.

The only time we had spent together outside of work had been for that god awful movie premiere. Afterwards we went out for a very nice dinner, and several drinks on the Bureau's dime. I had asked her to dance and we did for one or two songs. Later, we were standing outside her hotel room. I had pulled her close and kissed her. I had wanted to be with her badly, but she was tired and I let her go. We actually both seemed fairly content to play that delayed gratification game again.

I come back to the present and move my hand off of her leg, letting her lean forward and put the popcorn back on the coffee table. She goes and gets us another couple of beers. When she comes back I've got my arm on the back of the couch. When she sits I move my hand to her shoulder and she leans on me.

I watch the movie for a few minutes and my hand begins absentmindedly massaging her shoulder. I run my hand up her neck, into her hair, and back down to her shoulder, again massaging. She moans in a that feels good kind of way and lifts her feet up on the couch next to her. After a while we finish those beers. I ask if she'd like another. She says no, but I go for one more.

When I get back, I return to letting my hand roam between her hair, over her neck and down to her shoulder. She seems to enjoy the massaging. I turn, put my back against the arm rest next to the fish tank, my feet on the floor. I guide her with my hands on her shoulders to turn. She sits next to me, sideways on the couch, with her back to me. Her hands rest on her lap and her feet on the coffee table.

I start on her upper neck and shoulders, starting out gently. After a while I begin kneading my thumbs up and down, between her shoulder blades.

"You've been holding out, Mulder."

I chuckle and act like I'm still into the movie. Really, I'm just staring at her, at my hands moving over her shirt. I hold her still with a hand on her shoulder a few times while I lean forward, sipping on my beer until it's finished. I'm now feeling the effects of the alcohol, I can't stop touching her.

I push on her shoulders and have her lean forward, so much she has to put her feet on the floor with her elbows on her knees. I untuck her shirt and push it up her back. I massage the middle of her back, on each side of her spine with my thumbs. My hands wrap around to the front of her rib cage and I am amazed at how small she is. She's so strong. It seems to defy human anatomy. I stare at her tattoo for a moment.

I find a knot and she arches her back, leaning into me as I work it out. She sighs and I smile. I pull her shirt down and move my hands back up to her shoulders, pulling her back to my chest and I lean forward. I notice the movie is about five minutes out from the end. I nuzzle my nose into her hair, behind her ear.

"Scully."

"Yeah?" She asks.

"Let's make out."

She chuckles once, deep in her throat. "Mulder, we're not teenagers."

I move my hand down to her side and take her ear, above her earlobe, between my teeth. She shudders and I squeeze her waist and smile against her.

"Well if you're going to twist my arm…" She shifts her body a little and turns her head towards me. I rest my palm on her jaw, my fingers curl around her neck and I pull her mouth to mine.

We kiss pleasantly slow, taking our time. I suck her bottom lip into my mouth, running my tongue over a vein on the inside of it before pulling it between my teeth. She really likes this, by the sound of it. I keep it up for a minute or so until she's quite worked up, her hand on my thigh, squeezing. I finally release her lip and am about to move down to her neck when she stands and pushes me back against the armrest, and I go willingly. She straddles my legs and I hold my arms open, waiting for her to come to me, looking up at her like I've gone to heaven. She has her hands on my chest first, then runs them up my neck, to the sides of my face and kisses me deeply. My hands fall to her hips and I'm on a cloud, smiling into her kiss. I do that thing with her bottom lip yet again and she gasps, resting her hips on me, my thighs supporting her ass. She rips her lip from between mine and works her way down my jaw, to my neck, going straight for the spot she discovered that first night, the muscle just below and behind my ear, and clamping on.

I mumble her name in encouragement, my eyes closing and my head moving aside to give her a better angle. My hand moves up into her hair and holds her to me. My other hand roams to her back, rubbing all over for a few moments before I move both hands to the hem of her shirt, pulling up. She bends and lets me pull it over her head, then sits up and we get it off of her arms. I drop it lightly on the floor next to us.

I smile stupidly up at her as she rests her hands on my chest and lets me look a moment. She's wearing a white satin bra, plain but still totally sexy. I run my hands up her back and pull her down to me, kissing along her jaw to her neck.

Suddenly I realize I'm not getting so much of a reaction from her and I stop. "You ok?" I ask, afraid to look.

"Yeah," she smirks, self-consciously. "Just..ah..beer's gone straight through me."

I chuckle in relief. "Right…go. I'll be here." I let her go and smile when she doesn't pick up her shirt, just crosses her arms against the cool and disappears to the bathroom. I sit up and put my feet on the floor, rest my elbows on my knees and fold my hands, waiting for her. I change the TV back to the cable setting and turn the volume down low. I reach over and turn off the lights, all that's left is the TV and my fish tank.

When I hear the door open I get up and walk that way, we cross paths and I'm grinning like an idiot, checking her out on my way to the bathroom. She turns around and catches me staring at her walking away, too. I bump into the edge of the doorway and nearly lose my balance. She smiles and disappears into the living room. I take care of my own business and return to the couch. She's sitting there watching whatever's on the TV and I go straight for her, urging her to lay back this time with a hand on her shoulder. I position myself between her thighs and pick up right where I left off on her neck. She sighs my name this time. "That's better," I say against her skin.

I lower my way down to her chest, kissing the whole way. I kiss the top of her breast as she runs her hands down my back, sighing and moaning. I'm sucking and nipping her with my teeth, lightly at first. When she arches her back into me and says my name again I use more pressure, leaving my mark on her. This time it's definitely too warm to justify wearing a turtle neck, and I am happy to use that excuse to leave it lower this time.

My hand slides up her side, latching onto her other breast. I quickly want more and slide my hand under her. I go for the clasp of her bra and look down at her, she bites her lip nervously but nods. I smile and wonder, does she know how charming she is?

Oh crap, I'm fumbling with the clasp. Smooth, Mulder.

"A little out of practice, are we?"

I sigh and look up in concentration. Just as she smirks and is about to reach behind her I get it loose.

"Ahh," she says in exaggerated awe and smiles.

I shake my head and wink softly at her. I raise myself up and slowly lower each strap down her shoulders, watching her face. She watches me with that beautiful trust in her eyes. Our first time, I never got around to this. She had it on the whole time. She nods and I pull it up and over her arms, dropping it on the floor with her shirt. Finally my eyes leave hers and trail down her neck, down past her necklace and to her chest. I'd be the first to admit I did sneak a peek before. Not when she was covered in alien goo and freezing cold, I'm an asshole but I do have some morals. It was when we were thrown in that quarantine by Diana and were forced to take decontamination showers.

This is different, completely. She's watching me take her in. She's got a hand absentmindedly stroking her collar bone, and I notice she's shaking a little. I smile, take her hand and lower myself to lay a kiss on her breastbone. I lay soft kisses all over her there between her breasts while my hand lets go of hers and goes to cover one breast and I knead gently. I'm worried I'll sound like a sap, but I have to tell her. "You're beautiful, Scully" I whisper against her skin.

She sighs and moves her hand to the back of my neck, her eyes getting moist. She's happy and I'm glad I said it. I move back up and put my hand over her hair, kissing her forehead lightly. She's still smiling softly. I look down at her with my forehead on hers for a minute, waiting for her signal to move forward or not. Either way is fine. She takes a minute, rubbing my back. I can't believe I'm the moron that's lucky enough to be with her this way.

After a while she kisses me again and I feel something squeeze on my heart. I exhale quickly into her mouth, shocked and surprised at this feeling. I put more of my weight on her, needing her close. I can't recall that I've ever felt this before. I kiss her back softly and feel my own eyes stinging. I know in this moment that I've consciously crossed a line, one I'd probably unconsciously crossed the first time I'd been with her. To give this up would probably nearly kill me. I bury my face into her neck, still taken by the intensity of this. So much for not being that guy in a romance novel I'd convinced myself I'd never be my whole life. I mentally blame it on the alcohol in a last ditch effort at saving my masculinity.

"You ok, Mulder?" she asks, almost inaudibly. She's holding the back of my neck in a way she's done many times in the past.

I wait for a moment, clear my throat and look away from her, pushing my fingers into my tear ducts, fighting against the stinging there.

"Mm," I bite my lips and look back to her. She's looking at me in wonder. She shakes her head and smiles, running her fingers over my cheek. Our eyes meet and say more than words ever could.

We begin to kiss again, slowly at first. Exploring and tasting each other. I move a hand down to one of her legs and pulling it up, I settle myself down onto her. She rests a hand on my ass, pressing me into her, spreading her legs further. She kneads a little through my jeans and I finally move my mouth away from hers, nudging her to turn her head with my cheek and I take her earlobe between my lips. My hand finds hers and we interlace our fingers. She squeezes my hand tightly and makes a noise in her excitement as my breath escapes my nose, tickling her ear. She shudders against me and I sigh, keeping it up. I run my tongue along the outer shell of her ear and she squeezes my hand harder, spreading her legs wider still so I grind against her.

I feel her hands on my chest, and she is pushing me up, off of her. I gasp and look at her in confusion. I get up on my knees and she sits up under me, grabbing the hem of my shirt and pushing up. Ohh, I see now. I smile to myself and finish taking off my shirt. Now she's pushing me back with her hands on my chest again, pushing me all the way back to the other side of the couch. She moves over me with determination and undoes the button of my jeans. I look at her face in the ambient blue light of the room. She's so damn beautiful.

She pulls my pants, then my boxers carefully over me before sitting back on the couch enough to pull them off. I wiggle around until she gets them off and drops them on the floor. Next she stands and unbuttons her own pants, not looking down at me. I actually get the impression she just got worried that I will think she's being too forward. Before she unzips her own pants I brush my fingers against her thigh, giving her an encouraging look when she looks at me. I'm actually very, very turned on by her taking control.

I see in her smile back at me the Scully I know so well. Sure and confident. She lowers her pants and panties and climbs back over me, taking me into her hand.

My mouth falls open and I struggle to keep my eyes open, wanting to see her face. Her confidence amazes me. Her small, strong hand moves over me. She quickly learns what I like and I'm soon reduced to simple, basic thoughts. I'm gripping the couch and losing the battle to keep my eyes open.

"Scully," I grab her wrist, panting. I'm holding onto her wrist more tightly than I would for any other reason. I don't mean to squeeze so hard but about 20 more seconds of that, I wouldn't have anything for her.

She smiles, pleased with herself and I let her have her hand back. She gives me a moment to get my bearings and I smile too. She kisses me now and I rest my hands on her hips. She takes my hands off her and makes me keep them off the couch. Jesus, does she just know what a sick little bastard I am? Or is this her game too? She moves her hands into my hair and kisses me deeply for a few minutes. Eventually my hand moves into her hair, the other moving to her thigh. She bites my bottom lip to the point of pain and I manage to squeeze her ass once before she takes my hands again, holding them on the couch. I'm grinning like a fool.

We play this game for another few minutes until she's ready to move on. I bite my upper lip in anticipation as she takes me into her hand and looks down at me. She begins to take me inside her and my breathing becomes erratic. She's taking me in so quickly, wincing but eager to take all of me.

I move my hands to her hips, my fingers twitching against her. I try to hold back but I can't. I'm pushing her down and she allows it. Finally I'm so deep inside her. Have I just forgotten or has it never felt this good? I can see on her face that she is struggling to get past the ache, but she's savoring it too. Eventually her insides adjust and I swell at the look of pleasure on her face. Her hands are on my chest and she begins to move. I keep my hands on her hips and press down when she needs it, letting her go when she wants it. She lowers her knees more on the couch, needing more pressure on a certain spot. She begins to tremble, closes her eyes and I have to look away. I am not going to come. I press her hips back forcefully, giving her more friction on that spot inside. She whimpers, begins to thrust herself up and down. She's tightening more and more and I bite my lips hard, concentrating on the pain. I stare at the ceiling and think about…the smoking man…fluke man…she whimpers, starting to go over, trembling…oh God…Skinner bubble baths…I manage to reach between us and circle her clit once. That does it and she's coming hard. I come within a fraction of losing it when she moans low and drawn out, but manage to hold it in. She rides it out and I finally look at her again. She slowly opens her eyes, then they open wide when she realizes I've held back.

"Skinner…bubble bath," is all I can manage.

She looks confused for a moment, then she laughs loudly, understanding. She kisses me deeply and I involuntarily thrust up into her, she's so hot and wet now. She moans and pushes back down onto me. Soon we are moving together, and I'm watching her this time. I pull her to me with a hand in her hair and kiss her neck. I'm kissing so deeply I almost forget to be mindful of not marking her. I move my mouth further down her neck to her shoulder to an area for no one's eyes but mine. I bite down and she nearly screams. I jerk back and am about to apologize when she shakes her head and gasps, shoving herself back towards my mouth. I clamp on again, nip and suck. My hand is on the small of her back and I'm getting close. My fingers twitch against her skin. "Scully…ffffuuu…Scully…ahh!" I reach around again and desperately stroke her clit.

"Yeahhh," she whimpers and I lose it. I'm vaguely aware of her convulsing around me again and I'm gone, forcefully holding her hips down on me where I need her and I'm grinding up into her. I empty into her and my upper teeth dig into her shoulder. She's got a hand in my hair and she's pulling hard.

After a minute she's lying on top of me, all her weight on me. I slowly stroke her back. Finally she nuzzles my neck and raises her eyes to look at me. I raise my eyebrows and smile like an idiot. She giggles shyly and buries her face in my neck. I laugh softly and hug her close. I'm one lucky son of a bitch.

We stay like that until a chill comes over her. I have to rub her hips a little to help her before she can straighten them enough to climb off the couch. I know she'll be sore tomorrow. I smile a little and like that she'll have the reminder of me.

"Let's go to bed," she says and takes my hand.

I follow her and we climb in. I let her get situated and then I move in slowly. Our first time we had not done this either. I put my arm around her waist and bury my nose into her hair. "Mmm…goodnight, Scully."

"Goodnight, Mulder."

I fall asleep almost immediately, a rarity for me.

In the morning, I wake up as Scully gets out of bed. I lay there still as she goes to the bathroom. It's Saturday and I wonder if she will leave again. I lay there with my eyes closed when she comes out of the bathroom. I feel her getting back in the bed and smile. She is shivering a little, the bathroom floor must have been cold. I pull her close and kiss her softly, wrapping my arms around her. I let her tuck her cold feet under my legs. "Good morning."

"Good morning." She smiles at me.

"Is this awkward, or what?" I ask jokingly, talking about waking up together for the first time. I make a weird face and she laughs and nuzzles her nose into my neck, still shivering a little.

We lay there until she is warm again, and for a while longer after that. Finally I ask, "What are your plans today?"

"I have that thing at my Mother's, remember? Bill and his family are in town."

"Oh, that's right."

She clears her throat and looks at me. "Um..You're welcome to..."

"Scully," I interrupt her, "your mom will be happy your brother is there, and she deserves a happy time. I don't want to disturb the peace. But thank you."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry Mulder. My brother.."

"You don't have to explain. You know that." I hold the back of her head and kiss her forehead. "Now I gotta get up. Wait right here." I go to the bathroom, do my thing then go to the living room and collect her clothes. I feel kind of bad they're slightly rumpled now. I lay them out on the bed for her, looking apologetic.

"Should have told me to bring a change of clothes, Mulder." I smirk, wondering if I should tell her to bring a couple changes of clothes over here. I pass on that for now. I don't want to move things more quickly than she wants to, or push my luck. I go about getting myself dressed, watching her do the same. I can't stop smiling.

"You look like an idiot, Mulder."

"Right, Scully, but I'm your idiot now." I go to her and stop her before she puts on her shirt, kiss her lightly on her shoulder. That mark is looking pretty dark, did I really bite that hard?

She wraps her arms around my neck. "You've been my idiot for a long time."

We kiss softly before we finish dressing ourselves.

"Would you like some coffee?" I ask.

"No, thanks. I really should be going. I need to go home, shower and all that."

"Well I hate to miss that." I really do.

She laughs and kisses my cheek. "I'll be late tonight…I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I stop her and give her a hug before she walks out. "Ok, tomorrow." She leaves and I close the door behind her.

I shower and then spend the day cleaning out my fish tank, doing laundry, paying bills. Around 6:30 I order Chinese and look through my movie collection, looking for something to watch. I scan my adult movies out of habit and smirk. That never compares to the real thing, which I've had hmm…last night! I silently congratulate myself and go back to the couch and flip through the channels, eating a handful of seeds while I wait for my food. Finally it comes and I settle in on the couch, watching something on HBO. There's explosions and car chases. "Now THIS is a guy movie," I say, talking to Scully and she's not even there. I smile to myself and enjoy my food.

I drink the last beer out of our six pack from last night and look at my watch. Only a little after 8. What to do? I check email and clean my gun. At 9 I lay back on the couch and get into another movie. I'm tossing my basketball back and forth between my hands, up into the air above me, when my phone rings at 9:30. I look at my watch and look over at the phone, smiling. I toss my basketball on the floor, letting it roll wherever and grabbing the phone.

"Hey, Scully."

"How'd you know it's me?" She asks.

"You know, law of attraction. I sat here by the phone and stared, all day. Willing you to call. How was your day?"

She's laughing. "It was great, I'm on my way home. I couldn't stop..." She stops herself, and laughs softly.

"You couldn't stop what?"

"Nothing Mulder, what are you doing?"

"You couldn't stop what?"

She sighs nervously and hesitates.

"I couldn't stop thinkin' about you either, Scully."

She exhales and I can tell she's smiling. "Come over, Mulder. We can watch 'Steel Magnolias.'"

"Ugh... Who taught you pick up lines?"

"Shut up." She's smiling though. "I'll be home in half an hour?" She's asking if I'll be there.

"I'll be there." Of course I'll be there!

"Hey, Mulder? Bring a bag" she says and hangs up. Nice! I'm a lucky man. I clean up my Chinese food and get ready.

Not long after I knock on her door. She lets me in and I set my bag down. I look around while she closes the door behind me. This is different, coming to Scully's place since this other thing has started. Both times before had been at my place.

"Well, how's the family?"

"Great, it was nice."

"Good." I say, looking around again. It's just so different. In my apartment, it was one thing. This makes it real, somehow. Scully's letting me into her space now, and I feel like it's new again.

"Would you like something to drink?" she asks?

"No, thanks." I say, rubbing my hands together nervously. She's looking at me, obviously I'm acting a little strangely. "I'm sorry, Scully." I explain. "It's different now, coming to your apartment."

She smiles a little, with relief. "I see." She says and puts her arms around me, I rest my hands on her hips.

She raises up and kisses me softly and I'm smiling too. "Let's go to bed, Mulder."

"Just exactly what kinda guy do you think I am?" She smiles against my lips and raises up higher on her toes to kiss me deeper. "Oh, all right!"

She leads me back there and I grin the whole way. When we get next to her bed she turns to me and starts undressing. Wow…I stare for a moment, in awe at her directness. She has no lights on, I see her only in the street lights coming through the blinds. Finally I snap out of it and start undressing myself.

We're both standing there, naked, looking. I step close to her and pull her to me, kissing her. We kiss slow and deep for I have no idea how long. My hand is in her hair and I am content. After a while I lay her down on the bed, kissing some more. We both forget to breathe and pull apart, catching our breaths. I kiss her forehead and she takes me into her hand, pulling me to her.

I reach a hand between us and slide a finger between her lips, sucking in a breath at how ready she is for me. I take one of her hands in mine and move it above her head, as I begin to slide inside her. I kiss her deeply again, my other hand in her hair. I slip in easily and she sighs. Her feet are on the bed and she raises her hips to mine, and she sighs again at the sensation. I am home. I feel a swelling in my chest and squeeze her hand tightly, burying my face into the crook of her neck. My breath escapes me again at this emotion. What was happening to me?

"Scully, I…" I bite my lip and turn my head away from her neck, my cheek on her shoulder. I flash back to me in a hospital bed. I say it and she says 'Oh, brother.' I try again. "I…."

"Say it, Mulder." Her muscles tighten around me and I turn my head, my mouth right up against her ear. I'm trembling a little.

I had never said it and meant it, like I do now. Every single one of my previous relationships had been built on a weak foundation. I chose women who weren't truly interested in knowing every fiber of my being. I'd still had deep issues regarding Samantha, and didn't want anyone to examine my wounds. I wanted them to be left alone, to fester. They were what drove me to find answers, even when I was too tired to go on. I chose women that had an agenda, who I expected to drop me eventually. Scully was a woman I never would have pursued. And God knows I tried not to, even without knowing I was trying not to. I ignored any possibility, every sign along the way that she and I would ever mean so much to each other. But we had still come together, and it was with an intensity that I never even imagined I'd be close to feeling that I said, "I love you." It's not enough but there are no words that describe it better.

She sighs and I can tell she's crying. She squeezes my hand and raises her legs on my hips. "I love you."

We begin to move together and I kiss her so deeply. I'm thrusting into her slowly but deeply and soon she's coming around me, whimpering softly and I ride it out with her, my forehead on hers. Eventually she stills and so do I, except for my breathing which I'm not sure I'll ever catch.

A minute later she nods and I begin to move again, with more urgency. Her hands are on my upper back until I raise up onto my hands, her face makes me want to stay this way forever. She runs her fingernails down my back and I begin to thrust more erratically. She reaches a hand above her and grabs onto the headboard, giving herself leverage to meet my thrusts. "Scully…Scully…oh my God…" I'm shaking and she tightens around me each time I pull out. I lower to my elbows again, reach behind her head and grab the edge of the mattress, yelling out as I explode.

When I am done I rest my forehead against hers again, catching my breath. "Good…God…Scully." My head is spinning and I fall off of her, onto my back. She turns to me, smiling, rests her chin on my chest. My hand goes for her hair and I'm looking at the ceiling, blinking, waiting for the room to be still.

When it eventually does, I look at her. She looks so happy. I stroke her hair, pull her closer. We lay quietly for a while, our hands lazily feeling each other all over.

She brings her hand to mine and I begin slowly running my fingers along the inside of her palm, up her fingers and back again. "This has been nice, Mulder."

"Yeah," I smile.

She looks up at me, and I can tell she's a little nervous. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but…you don't have that feeling? Like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

I shake my head, not sure what she means.

"I don't know…I'm just saying we never seem to catch a break for very long." I nod, understanding. "I just have this feeling," she whispers. I can tell she's genuinely worried about this. "Things are about to change."

"You may be right. I just got an email from Skinner. Well I got it last night but read it this afternoon. They're moving up, rescheduling audits in our section. Ours is this week."

She sighs. She knows. This is never a good time for the X-Files. I don't tell her but I am especially worried this time that they will say I have done everything I've set out to do. In a way, sure I have. But there will always be more X-Files. The better part of our work doesn't involve government conspiracies or UFO's.

She looks worried and I rub her back. "Don't worry about this tonight, Scully." I pull her to me and kiss her before I get up, move the covers back and let her climb under them before I get back in. I return to laying on my back and she drapes her arm and leg over me, her head on my chest. I rub my fingers up and down her back a few times before she quickly falls into a deep sleep. I kiss the top of her forehead and feel my own eyelids getting heavy. This really is the best cure for insomnia.

Now I just have to figure out a way to tell her about my illness…

END PART 1

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you've made it this far, thank you! Like I said above, this was my first serious attempt at fanfic. I made a couple attempts in high school while the show was still airing, and now I think: someone who has never been in love writing about love is like someone who's never been in water trying to write about swimming. Not that a young person can't understand what love is, but I personally couldn't. This was originally intended to be a simple post-Milagro fic that keeps evolving. These scenes followed me until I had no choice but to write them. I truly hope you enjoyed this, and want to read on to part 2.