I didn't notice it at first. Who would? But I should have been looking for it.
I mean, after that day at the Starlight Tower everything changed, shifted, and it was suddenly all about me. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being showered with attention most of the time (though Serenity seems a little shy sometimes) but this is taking it too far. It's almost painful to watch, and my chest constricts just thinking about it, because this is all my fault.
If I hadn't gone to Earth. If I hadn't met Endymion. If Venus had never found me with Endymion. If Beryl and Metallia had never attacked. If there was no Sailor Moon. If Endymion was still here with me.
If. If. If.
Right now I'm walking home, or rather, I'm being walked home by my senshi. It really did happen slowly. We used to all walk in a line, Ami-chan, Mako-chan, and I, on our way home or out to eat at the Crown, or to Rei-chan's temple. Always the same, Ami-chan on one side, Mako-chan on the other and me in the middle. Sometimes Rei-chan would join us. We'd laugh, we'd talk, they'd ask me how I could possibly eat so much, and so on. No day was the same, really. And it was always fun.
Now, it's always the same. As they walk me home, they are on each side of me, Ami-chan is on the right, Mako-chan is on the left. But they are not really beside me anymore. It was so slow to happen, but as they regained their memories they began to take on their position as senshi, and they walked in step with me, but behind me. Rei-chan joins us, walking behind the three of us after calling out 'Hello!' like we're on our way to the movies and she doesn't fit with us on the sidewalk. Minako-chan is always the last to meet up with us, her school requires her to really run to make it for my daily trek into nostalgia, but she does make it and takes her place in the front, leader that she is.
Their footsteps are soft, like the beat of a heart, but I'll never tell them it's tearing out mine.
All of them talk, around me, to me, and about me, but I stopped conversing with them last week. They noticed, but I hear them when they talk, though maybe they don't think I do, they think it's because of Endymion. Mamoru-san. And he does make me sad, especially when he attacks us or seems to remember for a moment, but then doesn't, that makes me the saddest.
I can't tell them it's them. It's how they're walking, how I no longer look at them and see my friends. I see my senshi, and I see girls who have lost themselves in the past life.
I'm Serenity, I can't escape that, but I'm Usagi, too. Just like Mamoru. He's Endymion, but he's also that annoying boy I hit in the head with my test. Oooooh, he was so annoying sometimes. So charming others.
I miss him.
But the others, they are senshi all the time now, they don't ever let themselves be children. That's all we are, just children, and the past life has robbed us of this. My mistakes have taken the life Mother hoped we would all have. Everything I did, all of the mistakes I made, rest in the footsteps around me. This is my penance; knowing that I have taken the lives of four girls and forced them into warriors.
And as we near my house, where they will leave me with Luna, I realize want to speak. To tell them to treat me the same, to walk with me and not around me, and that I love them no matter what. I love them, and I need them.
How could I ever tell them?