I'm in darkness again. I know where I am, I know that I have brought myself here. But I can't seem to find the light. Just like a cat who climbed up a tree, but can't get down. I need someone to save me. But in order for someone to save me I need to be worth saving. Then maybe someone will come.
My thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice. "Jane…" the sound is followed by the opening of my attic door. I try to tidy myself up so that she doesn't notice that I have been sulking. I turn to her and blink trying to moisten my eyes. How long have I been staring out that dirty window?
"Hey, how are you?" she asks
"I'm fine, fugue free. As you can tell by my lack of tasteless come-ons." I reply bitterly. I haven't been able to forgive myself for being callus around her when I was the old me. The real me I'd like to call it. If it wasn't for Van Pelt and Rigsby I wouldn't know half of what I did when I was in "real mode". And Cho has been more quiet than usual if that was even possible. I wonder what I did to earn the ire of the stoic man.
"Yes it was tasteless, and yes you did come-on to me. But it wasn't you." Lisbon says taking a step closer to me. She seems concerned for some reason. I smooth my vest. Maybe she can see that I slept here after we got back from Malibu. It wasn't actually sleeping; I just laid here for the better part of the day letting all of it come back to me. I couldn't last a minute more in that house without going insane all over again. With the grief that I almost escaped and the guilt that started eating at my over inflated ego. That was the time that I quietly asked Lisbon to drive us back even if it was a 6 hour drive. I just had to get out of there. Anywhere, any place but there.
"Jane?" Lisbon says this time the concern is evident in her voice.
"I always thought that I'd at least be better if I was given a second chance. But apparently scum will always be scum no matter what you do or what happens." Lisbon keeps quite after my statement. I can practically hear the wheels turning in her head. No doubt she's realizing the truth in my words. She speaks again this time with an edge of forcefulness in her voice.
"I have known you for more than 8 years now. I can tell when you are lying, I can tell when you are up to something and I can even tell when you are lying to protect me or someone you think is worth protecting." I scoff at her but she keeps on going.
"The man from yesterday, I don't know him. I have never met him before. And all I can say is the man I am talking to now and the man from yesterday are as much alike as apples and oranges." She shifts her weight on the other foot looking a bit uneasy.
"I know you need to get some sleep, you haven't gotten any rest since all this started and you were in the hospital just a few days ago." She starts to turn around and head for the door. I want to stop her but I don't know what to say. The words she said just now has left me… speechless.
She gives me one last look as she slides the door closed. I listen to her footsteps retreat down the hallway until I can't hear them anymore. I run my hands through my hair. Why does she have so much faith in me? I am a pariah, I am darkness. Why does she insist in seeing a light that isn't there?
I am in darkness again. Funny how a room seems so despondent once she leaves it. I brought myself here and I know my way back. I know where my light is, I can get to it. I can get to her. But am I worth saving? Do I deserve this light? I lie down and close my eyes. The pain of newly opened wounds wash over me. And the answer I come up with is no.