Disclaimer by Sam and Dean:
Sam: " my brother and I are our own people and she cant tell us what to do"
Dean: "she can tell me what to do if you get my meaning"
Sam: " dean your confusing reality with porn again"
Dean " am not"
Sam " what ever, get on with the story"
Dean was mad at him again. Ok maybe not mad exactly but annoyed, and he couldn't really blame him. Sam had been a bitch the past few days. Feeling betrayed and sorry for him self.
Just a week ago, he had killed ruby. He found out that she was trying to make him go dark side, help Lucifer brake free then kill him and rule with her at his side. Well he had put a stop to that plan.
He still hadn't told Dean. Mostly because he wasn't ready for the "I told you so" he knew he would get from him.
The other part was, he was scared to be the old I ware my emotions on my sleeve Sam again. Every time he opened his heart and started to love someone they died or worse he had to kill them.
First Jess then dad then Madison. Even Dean had died because Sam hadn't been strong enough and had messed up and gotten himself killed.
Dean had sold his sole and gone to hell to bring him back. He hadn't even been the one to bring Dean back. Cass, deans angel had.
He had felt like a big frailer when Dean was gone. Then ruby began to help him feel like he could do something. She had helped him become strong enough to kill a demon with his mind.
He had felt powerful. He had even started to believe he was better then his brother dean. That dean was weak and didn't have what it took to go after Lilith.
Only after he had killed Ruby and freed himself from her trying to brain washed him had he realized that it was he who was the weak one.
Dean had always been there for him and never in his life made him feel like he was less then him. Dean had been through Hell. Dean had gone to hell FOR him. Dean had ask him one simple thing. Not to trust Ruby and go down that rode. He had betrayed his brother. He had been weak. How could his brother ever forgive him, but yet he had. even after he had lied to dean he had still forgiven him and welcomed him back with open arms.
Sam felt like pond scum. No, he felt lower then pond scum. He didn't deserve his brothers love. He desperately wanted to be the old person he used to be but he didn't know if he remembered how to be that person.
Sam gave his brother a sideways glance. Dean was looking strait ahead at the rode. Feeling his brothers look, dean glanced at Sam. Their eyes meeting for a split second before Sam turned away to look out the window again.
Dean frowned and griped the steering wheal tighter. He knew what was bothering Sam. Cass had told him that Sam killed Ruby. He hated that Cass had been the one to tell him. The old Sam would have told him. The old Sam would have trusted him, and asked for his help, but not this Sam. This Sam, Dean didn't know. He hoped that with Ruby gone Sam could be the Sammy he knew and loved. His little Brother, the one he had practically razed. God dam it! He just wanted his little brother back. He just didn't know how to tell Sam that he didn't care what he had done in the past, it was over, he couldn't take it back. The fact was Dean was here and so was Sam. They couldn't let the past kill them and the people they were. To many shity things had happened for them to tern their backs on each other now. Dean needed Sam and whether or not Sam liked it he knew Sam needed him too.
Angrily Dean turned on the radio. He had had enough of the silence, it was getting on his nerves. It was a mix station that played every thing from hard rock and 80's music to christen. He liked this station it had a lot of variety. Which is good if you're stuck in the car for most of the day every day.
A song had just ended and a new one was beginning. Dean knew the song. An idea suddenly came to him. He knew the song was about Jesus and stuff. He didn't know how he felt about God and Jesus just of yet but he was getting used to the idea. He hoped God wouldn't be mad at him if he used the song to let his brother how he felt without really saying anything out right but at the same time saying everything.
The words were just about to start when dean looked in his rear view mirror. There in the back seat was Cass. Their eyes met and Cass gave him a slight nod then Dean blinked and he was gone. Cass had given him courage so he took a deep breath and started to sing. Changing the words to get his meaning across.
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Sam stiffened as his brother started to sing. He didn't know this song and wondered when his brother had started to listen to this kind of stuff.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go Sam,
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
Hearing his name Sam suddenly realized that Dean was sing to him. The music was low so you could hear it but couldn't really hear the real words.
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall.
In the dead of night whenever you call.
Please don't fight these Hands
that are holding you.
My Hands are holding you.
Look at these Hands, and My side.
I embraced the grave, on that night.
When I drank the cursed cup.
So I could take your place
And give you life.
Tears flooded down Sam's face at his brothers words. Sam remembered all the times Dean had been there for him. Even now, he was still there for him. Some how dean always knew what to say.
Here at My side wherever you fall.
In the dead of night whenever you call.
Please don't fight these Hands
that are holding you.
My Hands are holding you
Sam didn't even realize that some time during the song dean had pulled over to the side of the small dirt rode he they had been driving on and was now looking at him too.
And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you.
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these Hands
that are holding you
My Hands are holding you
With the song over Dean opened the door and started to walk around to his brother's side, but Sam had already gotten out and met him half way.
Dean wordlessly pulled his baby brother in to a hug and soothed his hair as Sam cried. "shhh, it's ok Sammy. It's ok" he whispered.
At the sound of his Brothers nickname for him Sam cried harder. It had been so long since he had herd his brother call him that.
Some ware along the way Dean had stopped calling him Sammy. He knew it was because he had stopped being that person.
Hearing it now made him realized how much he missed just being Sammy. He had almost turned in to the monster his father had warned them about. If it hadn't been for Dean, Sam didn't know what he would have become.
Dean was his rock his shoulder to lean on. Without Dean, he was nothing, and he had almost lost him.
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam cried over and over in to his brothers shoulder. "shh, it's ok Sammy" Dean whispered again as he held his baby brother.
"No, I killed Ruby. You were right, she was planning to make me into a monster and she almost did. I should have listened to you Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam said as he pulled back to look at his brothers face but didn't release the grip on his jacket.
Dean's face didn't show the gloating look Sam was expecting to see. Instead, the look on his brother's face was that of understanding and sadness. His deep green eyes brimming with tears of their own.
"I know Sammy. Cass told me. I was waiting for you to tell me. I don't care that I was right. God I wish I hadn't been if it had made you happy. I'm just glad to have you back Sammy" Dean said, tears now wetting his cheeks.
Sam smiled, the first real smile in a long time. "it's good to be back" he said as he wiped his wet face and watched his brother do the same.
Dean patted his brother's shoulder before going to the back of the Impala and getting two beers out of the small ice chest that sat on the flour behind his seat.
Handing Sam a beer, together they sat on the hood of the Impala, shoulders touching as they watched the sunset.
"So" Sam said after a while. "A song was the only way you could think of the get through to me?"
"Yeah, cuz I know you like pansy things like that," Dean said, playfully nudging his little brother.
"Shut up! I do not!" Sam said smiling.
"Jerk"
"Bitch"
Yes, Dean had missed this Sam, his Sammy and was glad to have him back.
Sam had missed being with his brother this way. God it felt good just to be him again.