This was written to stand alone, but I recommend reading Case One first. Don't own them, wish I did.
It wasn't a crash, anyway, it was landing. With style.
Sheppard had that ready on the tip of his tongue when he woke, ready to riposte whatever jab McKay would aim at him. It left him vaguely unsatisfied, then, when he straightened, looked behind him and saw the seat empty. Teyla was waking, too, and seemed unharmed. Ford unclipped his seat belt and stood, rubbing his temples.
"Everyone ok?" Sheppard asked.
"Yep." "I am well, Major."
"And McKay must be fine, he's obviously wandered off somewhere." Sheppard sighed. "He could have left a note."
"Should we not look for him?" Teyla asked.
"We should, indeed." the Major stood and stretched. "Honestly, I'm gonna put a bell on him. Or a tracker."
Ford checked the screen. "The starboard pod seems to be damaged. I think we can repair it, but it would be a lot easier with McKay's help." he looked up. "There are some energy readings out there."
"Energy readings, good." Sheppard did a pretty good McKay impression, Ford had to admit. The lieutenant ducked his head to hide a smile.
"Ok. Let's grab the usual and see if we can catch up to him. I don't think we were out that long – I don't think he got that far, but let's count on a hike, shall we?"
-
It took only a few minutes to outfit themselves, and they trooped outside, standing in the tall grass.
"Oh. I think I know where he went." Sheppard said, staring across the meadow at the silvery building rising in the distance. He scanned around a bit, frowning.
"What is it?" Ford asked.
"No tracks." Teyla observed.
Sheppard nodded. "What I was thinking." he agreed.
"Hm?" Ford wasn't keeping up.
"The grass is fairly thick. If Rodney walked – and I would presume he did – he should have left a track of some sort in it, bent blades. The ground is very hard, but there should be some trace."
"I don't see any tracks heading anywhere." Ford said.
"Me either." Sheppard pulled his rifle up, and Teyla and Ford followed suit. "I can't see him going anywhere else. Or being taken anywhere else. Occam's razor."
Ford forestalled Teyla. "A rationale that says that all things being equal, the most obvious solution is likely the right one."
She smiled. "Thank you, Lieutenant." She turned to Sheppard. "Would you object if I were to be in front? I am used to tracking."
"You might see something I wouldn't." he agreed. "Go ahead."
-
The grass got longer the closer they went. It was over their heads, finally, and they closed ranks so as not to become lost. Teyla stopped suddenly.
"The grass ends ahead." she said softly. "I feel we should be cautious."
"Wraith?" Ford asked.
"No, but I am uneasy. This does not seem – right."
Sheppard nodded, sliding past the other two and peering through the grass. It seemed to become shorter, suddenly, and about ten feet on was just rock and scrub.
"Looks clear." he reported, turning back – and Teyla grabbed his vest, pulling him offbalance and down into her – she fell on Ford, and the three dropped just below the beam of light that sliced the grass above them like a knife.
"What the heck?" Sheppard rolled off her and she moved off Ford, squirming to the edge.
"I saw a glint of light as you turned back." she replied. "I did not know what it was, and so I simply was cautious."
"I like cautious." Ford muttered, joining her.
"Cautious is good." Sheppard agreed, on her other side. He pulled out his binoculars and examined the terrain ahead, knowing Ford would do the same.
"Oh, my." Teyla had paled suddenly, and equally suddenly Sheppard knew what her concern was. He had already checked.
"I don't see Rodney." he said reassuringly. "But it is beginning to seem as if he didn't leave of his own accord."
"That worries me." Teyla said.
The other two made concurring noises.
"Ah." Sheppard said a second later.
"Double ah." Ford added.
"I have one possible source."
"Me too."
"Range?"
"I'm good, but I'm not a sniper."
Sheppard sighed. "Yeah. Me either. Hey, lend me your hat."
Ford passed it over, and Sheppard bundled some of the grass together, put the hat on the tip and raised it.
Nothing.
He wiggled forward a bit and raised it.
The beam shot out and sliced the grass. It reversed direction, slicing the tip of Ford's hat brim as it fell. It reversed again, but didn't seem to drop farther than the three feet that had been trimmed the first time. However, it cut farther into the grass by twenty feet or so.
"So we can crawl." Sheppard handed the hat back to Ford, who examined the brim ruefully before putting it back on.
-
It takes a surprising amount of time to cover ten feet of grass, if you're trying not to get scorched doing it. By the time they reached the edge, they were dusty, hot and covered in grass seed.
"It is a good thing Dr. McKay is not with us." Teyla observed. "More than likely he would be sneezing."
John glanced over at her, expression blank, then went back to surveying the two beam stations.
Ford nudged her. "I thought it was a good try." he said "but I don't think he's got a mood on that's going to lighten any time soon."
"Evidently. The beams were an unexpected road block."
"They're more than that." Sheppard snapped, not taking his eyes from the binoculars. "It means this isn't just a "collect a wayward scientist" mission, it's more than likely a rescue mission." Concern made his voice sharper than he likely intended, but the point was made.
"Understood." Teyla said, quietly.
"Any ideas?" Sheppard asked. Ford frowned.
"Light, huh? Lasers will reflect won't they?"
"From front-silvered mirrors, yes. Depending on the type."
"I have a steel emergency signalling mirror. What do you think?"
Sheppard nodded. "Let's give it a try."
-
And it was that simple. Too simple, Sheppard observed darkly, pulling the mirror out of the branch he'd wedged it in. The beam reflected back almost eagerly to its origin, and the stations blew up with very satisfactory explosions.
-
Ten more feet of dirt, then a few hundred feet of clean rock face to the steps.
"And how do you feel about mines, Aiden?" Sheppard looked back at the Lieutenant and raised an eyebrow.
"Ambivalent. I've cleared a couple fields."
"Good. Watch where I step. And if I blow up…"he stood, looked down "don't step there."
More time, then, prodding the dirt with the stick, taking a step, prodding, stepping. Prodding and stopping dead.
"Sir?" Ford asked anxiously
"Something." Sheppard crouched down slowly, the tip of his stick braced against the hard item he'd hit. He carefully worked his fingers around it. Then the tension went out of him and he dug up a fist sized rock with a streak of white running through. Holding it up wordlessly for a second, he straightened and tucked it into his pocket, and kept going.
He made the far side and stepped onto the rock. "Come on."
-
The building's blank windows reminded Teyla of indifferent eyes. She brushed herself off, glad to be walking upright again, and Sheppard caught her eye. He raised an eyebrow, and she nodded slightly, and it was all the apology she was looking for.
"Let's spread out a bit. In case."
She nodded, and Ford went left, Sheppard right, and she walked straight up the middle…
into fog.
Utter whiteness.
She stopped immediately, remembering where she was in relation to the city and her team mates.
And one of them approached. Ford came out of the mist, and his demeanour was furtive.
"We can go back now, Teyla." he said quietly. "You and me – let him search for McKay."
"I do not understand." she said flatly. Her senses told her it was Ford – looks, sound, even smell, but at the same time it wasn't.
"Why should we put ourselves in danger? He's the Major, let him do it."
"I do not believe you are Lieutenant Ford." Teyla said. "The Lieutenant would not say these things."
"Come on." Ford was becoming increasingly agitated. "Please, Teyla, I can't go alone!"
"Whoever you are, please leave. We are going to find our friend. If you will not aid us, then leave us."
And in the space of a blink the fog was gone, and the ersatz Ford with it. She looked over at the real one, who was looking perplexed, and heard "so just go to hell!" off to her right and saw Sheppard, who glanced at her and Ford.
"Let's get back together, shall we?" he said.
-
They crossed the rest of the rocky area without incident. Each of them had a similar experience, they had discovered, Ford had seen Sheppard, and Sheppard had seen Teyla, and in all the cases the doppelgangers had tried to persuade them to give up the search.
"They don't know us very well, do they?" Sheppard said.
"That's a lousy Bugs Bunny." Ford observed.
"Bugs Bunny?"
"A cartoon character, really funny – Dr McKay's got them all with him…." Ford trailed off, but Sheppard finished "and I'm certain he'll be glad to show them all to us when we get back."
"Right. When we get back."
They had gained the shelter of the main door, and Sheppard held them back.
"Listen. The beams could have been security, the mines might have only been my paranoia, but what just happened – that was deliberate. Someone in this place doesn't want us looking for Rodney." He paused, and Ford jumped in.
"And if you're about to tell us we don't have to come with you, then you don't know us very well, do you?"
Sheppard closed his mouth, smiled a bit, glanced at Teyla, who nodded.
"OK. Stay alert." He turned. "And my Bugs Bunny was better."
-
The door wasn't locked. It swung open with a touch. The hallway was wide and long, and had alcoves off it. A layer of dust clung to the surfaces.
They moved cautiously down the hall, alert for movement, but none came. The rooms seemed to have no other way out but to the hall, and by the time they got to the end no one had seen doors or any other access.
"Doesn't make sense." Ford muttered. "That was obviously the main entrance. There has to be another door somewhere."
Teyla had moved off a bit, and was examining the corner of the hallway. A box stood there, ornately carved, about waist high.
"Teyla, what have you got?" Sheppard joined her, and Ford wandered over, keeping an eye on the way they had come.
"It is the only item of ornament in the area." she said, crouching in front of it. "And though it looks solid, it is actually hollow." She indicated one of the whorls. The center was black, but it wasn't colour, it was darkness. There were three others on the same face, but no holes on the other faces or the top.
They looked just big enough for a finger.
"Okay." Sheppard sighed. "I am getting really tired of all this. It's a game or a puzzle, and it's getting very old."
Ford nodded. "So, what'dya think?"
"Three holes, three of us." He frowned. "Test of trust?"
"We are at an impasse." Teyla observed. "And, given that we are being tested, is it not logical to assume that Dr. McKay is undergoing his own tests?"
"And on his own." Ford observed.
Sheppard's expression grew hard. He extended his finger and stuck it in one of the holes, and the other two followed suit.
There was a distant "thunk", and something pushed their fingers out as the box dropped into the floor. At the same time, the wall rose and revealed another hall, twice as long, filled with doors.
Sheppard gritted his teeth. "Let's clear these." he ground out. "One at a time."
They stepped into the hall, and all the lights came on. Teyla felt her heart sink when she saw the numbers of possible places McKay could be imprisoned, but she knew they had to check them all. Her glance fell on the far end of the hall, perhaps anotherhundred meters away, and she frowned. Ford saw her, followed her gaze.
"He's there."
-
The – whatever it was, glass? plastic? wall – was thick and impenetrable. There was no release on the outside, though just inside there was a panel, roughly hand shaped, that could be used to open it from within.
McKay was inside. He was on a plinth, that rose perhaps five feet, on his back, and unconscious. Or they presumed unconscious – his head was covered in a silvery cocoon that looked like a full helmet with a visor. They couldn't see much of his face. It had taken a few anxious minutes of watching to be certain he was even breathing.
They'd tried lifting the panel, prying it, Sheppard had moved them all into an alcove and tried shooting it. There was no effect, beyond an impressive ricochet.
They stood in front of it, stymied, and Teyla could feel the tension in the other two. She was concerned as well, but the doctor seemed in no immediate distress, and she made one more survey of the area before her gaze stopped on something just below the ceiling.
The hallway was moderately ornate, with wooden accents lining the tops of the walls, which stood about twelve feet high. It was the base of one of these accents she stared at.
It looked like a hatch. More, it looked like a hatch a slender Athosan could get through.
-
Halfway through, she amended that to a very skinny Athosan, but by then she could touch the hatch on the other side. She pushed it firmly, and found she was, in fact, inside the room. Grasping the edge of the hole she pulled herself through and dropped – or rather, fell – onto a bed, of sorts, that was one of four lining the walls.
She palmed the panel quickly, and the wall began to rise. It had barely begun to come up before Ford and Sheppard were through and joining her as they trotted to McKay.
"Nice work, Teyla" Sheppard said, pulling off his gloves and feeling for a pulse. It was there, she surmised, judging by the relief on his face.
"You are welcome." she said.
Ford was poking around the edges of the helmet. "This is fastened on." he reported. He tugged at the visor and McKay's body twitched, as if in distress.
"Don't do that." Sheppard suggested.
"I won't." Ford agreed.
"But what is it?" Teyla touched it – it felt like any other metal, but smoother, somehow, and warm.
"He's in the program."
The voice came from behind them, and they whirled. Ford and Sheppard brought their P-90s to bear on the slight figure that materialized behind them.
"Projection?" Ford asked Sheppard quietly.
"Looks like." Ford let the muzzle droop as Sheppard took a few steps towards the figure.
"What are you doing to him?" he demanded, and it didn't take someone who knew him well to detect the worry.
"He's in the program."
"You said that before." Ford said. "Is it part of the tests?"
"Tests?"
"Behavioural theory tests." Sheppard tried for his usual nonchalance. "We were your monkeys, McKay was our banana."
"Oh, very good!" the figure beamed. "You understand what we're doing."
"Not when you're hurting one of my team, I don't understand." the worry had become anger and was even less concealed.
"Hurting? We would not hurt any of you. Testing." The figure dropped it's head and froze, as if thinking, then raised it again. "Would you like to watch?"
One wall flared briefly, then settled into two scenes. One, the larger, was of a figure moving in a clearing, moving bodies. The other, smaller one seemed to be the point of view of the figure – hands appeared in the image, and it moved like they were seeing through other eyes.
"It's VR." Ford said, awed. "It's amazing. Look at the resolution – the images are so clear."
Teyla moved a bit closer. "This figure is Doctor McKay. I can see – he is dragging bodies. They are our bodies." She turned. "He is here. We are alive. Major, I do not understand."
Sheppard's jaw was stiff. "Consider it a nightmare, Teyla, but one that can be controlled by outside. That helmet is feeding information directly to Rodney's brain. This is the result."
Ford looked sick. The screen McKay had found his body and was moving it to lie with the others.
"The smaller screen is what Dr. McKay is seeing?" Teyla asked, and Ford nodded.
"It is blurred." she observed.
"He's crying." Sheppard said shortly, and a muscle in his jaw twitched.
-
Teyla stood back and watched, and glanced to each of her team-mates, concerned. It didn't alarm as much as interest her to see McKay take not only her bracelet but her knife from her dead hands, clean it and slide it in his belt – she would have expected it from her people but for the Earth doctor to do it struck her as uncommonly thoughtful as well as sensible.
It was evidently different for both Ford and Sheppard, though, and she saw that they became very agitated when he retrieved a Berretta and stroked it, thumbing the safety off, pointing it for a long moment at himself. The muzzle looked rather large, she noticed.
"No, no, no…." Sheppard whispered, and Ford chimed in with "Hang in there, Doc…"
McKay re-safetied the gun and slid it into a holster, and a sleeve dragged across the smaller screen, clearing the vision.
He was leaving the clearing when Sheppard whirled to the figure.
"Get him out of there, right now!" It wasn't a command as much as a plea, but the figure simply stood.
"I'm sorry, the selection was made."
"You need a guinea pig, take me! I'm in charge of this team…" but the figure was shaking it's head.
"The program is running. It cannot be stopped until it is won or lost."
"And at what point does Dr. McKay win?" Teyla asked.
"When he succeeds in his task. They may differ, but they require the same effort." The figure began to dissolve. "And when he wins he may seem to lose. The effect will be the same."
And it was gone.
-
"He's a determined bugger, isn't he?" Sheppard observed, and his tone was almost that of a proud older brother, as McKay solved the problem of a very deep chasm, then cut off the access of the local natives who were, evidently, chasing him. He had run into the trees, staggering slightly.
"Did they hit him?" Ford asked.
"He's still moving. If they did it mustn't be that bad."
"There's some sort of time compression going on." Ford checked his watch. "He's covered almost four miles in jungle. It hadn't taken anywhere near as long as it should."
"Long enough." He looked up as Teyla returned from a small room that was set to one side of the "screen".
"It is a lavatory. There is water, though I wouldn't drink it. There is no exit or access hatch"
She joined Sheppard and Ford next to the plinth, turned and watched as McKay wrapped his bleeding arm. "He was wounded?"
"His opposition is getting better at aiming. I think the program is learning." Sheppard said flatly. He surveyed the room.
"We won't be going anywhere for a while. Might as well set up camp."
-
They had made a meal of some of the meagre supplies they had. On the screen, McKay trudged through the jungle as darkness fell. By some unspoken agreement they had brought a couple of the bed/benches to put next to the plinth the physicist lay on, and they sat nearby.
-
Or at least Teyla and Ford sat. Sheppard paced. He would sit for a few minutes, jump up, check McKay, walk to the wall and watch his progress, then sigh and sit. The cycle continued, and finally Ford got up and headed for the room Teyla had found. She got the definite impression it was as much to get away from his furious superior officer as anything else.
Not that Sheppard had directed his anger at anything or anyone. That was the problem. he was sitting on it, trying to keep it inside. With Ford out of earshot, Teyla caught Sheppard by the arm on his way past.
"Major." she said. "Please. You are distressing the Lieutenant. And me."
He paused, and the expression of shock would have beenamusing in any other circumstance.
"I'm sorry." he said, surprised. "I guess I am kind of – tense."
"You are angry with the circumstances and you are most concerned about Dr. McKay." she translated. "It is understandable. I, too, am worried about our friend. However, we must be patient. We cannot do anything without injuring the doctor. We must wait until this is over – this – test." She spat out the last word with venom, and Sheppard blinked.
She frowned slightly and he turned his hand in her grasp, holding it firmly for a moment.
"You're right, Teyla. Thank you." He dropped onto the bench, legs extended and crossed, arms folded. "I'll try to possess my soul in patience." He grinned faintly. "My grandmother used to say that."
She nodded at him, approvingly, and turned her attention to McKay's progress.
The screen McKay had climbed the tree and was dozing. Ford exited the washroom and Sheppard glanced up.
"Toilet paper on your shoe." he said, and Ford stopped and leaned on the wall, lifting one foot before realizing.
"Har de har, sir." he replied, but Sheppard wasn't looking at him any more. He was staring at the screen, which had changed from a hard-to-see night scene to something that resembled a FLIR.
"Infrared?" Ford asked.
"Maybe. What did you do?" He stood next to Ford and replicated his motions. "…and then you leaned here and…Hey."
The image remained visible but now had zoomed out. There was a clutch of brightly coloured dots at the bottom, a fairly dull dot in the middle and a bright slash at the top.
"His pursuers." Sheppard pointed. "McKay. The Stargate. It's not infrared, but it's still some sort of energy tracer."
"He appears to have very little energy left, Major." Teyla observed.
Sheppard looked grim. "Yeah."
It took some experimenting but soon they were able to control the image – energy view, regular, zoom in, zoom out. They were zoomed out, watching the dots camped behind their dot, when their dot began to move.
"You're right about the time compression." Sheppard switched to the regular view – it was getting a bit brighter – and zoomed. McKay was almost staggering with weariness.
Sheppard switched back to energy. It wasn't that much better a view.
"He's off course." Ford commented.
"What?"
"Look -" Ford pointed "he's going too far to the right."
"Damn." Sheppard stood by McKay's head and spoke in his ear. "Wrong way, McKay. Go left."
There was no response. The helmet covered eyes and nose, and cupped slightly over McKay's ears, but he'd hoped that his voice might penetrate.
"Try again."
"Go Left!" he shouted, and looked up at the screen.
Nothing.
"Touch him." Teyla said suddenly. "His hearing, eyesight, are impaired but is not the sense of touch heightened when others are lost?"
Sheppard nodded at her insight, and placed a firm hand on McKay's right shoulder, pushing. At the same time he leaned down and said "That way." in a conversational tone.
Their dot stopped. When it started again, it was going the right way, straight towards the 'gate.
"Excellent." Sheppard said, straightening, but the attention of the other two was on the screen.
"Did you see that?" Ford asked Teyla, who nodded.
"I did. Major, touch him again – just touch, do not push."
"Okay…" he said, and laid one hand on McKay's chest.
"Wow!" "Major, look at that!"
Sheppard did. "My, our dot's a bit brighter now, isn't it?"
"Very good." It was the observer again, behind them, and Sheppard almost took a step, but then squashed his irritation with the thing and beckoned the other two.
"From now on, at least two of us are touching him. At all times."
They complied, Teyla running one hand down McKay's cheek before grasping his shoulder, Ford taking one hand. Sheppard gave the limp body a quick, fierce hug before approaching the observer.
"You planned this."
"None of the others made the connection." the observer said. "The subject in the program simply faded away." It stopped again, and again dropped it's head as if listening.
"He is speaking." it said, raising it again. "Would you like to hear?"
It looked at the screen, and the energy display was replaced by the normal one. The sun was up again, and it looked to be almost noon. McKay was moving doggedly on, but his steps were timed to a recitation, and it made Sheppard's throat tighten as he heard a hoarse voice, weary to exhaustion, reciting their names.
He closed his eyes. "Please, end this." he asked flatly.
The figure said nothing, and Sheppard sighed and joined his team.
"It will be over soon." it said behind them.
They ignored it, and eventually it went away.
-
The 'gate was very close, and Sheppard could see that McKay knew it. He'd covered the last couple of miles with surprising ease. He was still muttering their names, more quietly now, almost like a monk saying psalms while farming.
The tree cover cleared at last, but McKay almost stumbled out of it – Ford laid his hand against McKay's chest and pushed slightly.
"Ideal place for an ambush." he said in response to Sheppard's look.
Sheppard nodded. He zoomed in the image a bit, so they could see McKay more clearly, and returned to the plinth, hands in pockets, watching. "He's thinking it through." he commented. "No cover. No way to get to the DHD…"
"Unless you used the smoke bombs."
McKay's head snapped up and he smiled a bit, then started rummaging in the pack.
"Party favours." he said quietly, and Ford blinked. "Thanks."
"Anytime." Ford responded automatically, and shrugged at the glance Sheppard threw him.
McKay counted the smoke bombs, and Sheppard reached for the physicist's right hand. It was cold to the touch.
The image stood, paused. Teyla looked at Sheppard enquiringly.
"I'll do my best." His voice was clear. "I miss you. It's so hard without you."
Sheppard blinked at a sudden blurriness in his own vision.
"We're with you." he replied. "We'll always be with you."
Ford swallowed hard, and Teyla smiled reassuringly at him. They watched silently as the final steps of the simulation played out. It was hard to watch, knowing intellectually it wasn't actually Rodney being shot and collapsing in pain on the gate threshold, wasn't Rodney dragging useless legs behind him to push the bag through the horizon, wasn't Rodney smiling up at the pursuers – no, not at but through, as if he could see friends waiting beyond…
Wasn't Rodney shot in the heart. Dead.
The screen flickered and faded. The helmet emitted a chirp and began to collapse, rolling up off McKay's head and into an armadillo-like ball. Several tiny pricks oozed droplets of blood, which were easily removed and did not reappear.
"Like acupuncture." Sheppard said. His voice wasn't altogether steady. "Let's get him the hell off this thing."
-
And then it was a matter of waiting.
The observer had been there during the end game moves, but had since vanished.
They grouped around him. Teyla watched the two men curiously. It had been her observation that Earth males tended to restrain their emotions, and what they had all been through had been a strain on that control.
The energy had been redirected, though. Once they had ascertained Rodney was not injured, they had made him comfortable on one of the beds. Now Sheppard had managed to un-roll part of the helmet, and he and Ford were examining some of the tiny probes that had – if she understood correctly – drilled through the doctor's skull, into his brain, and fed the entire experience to him.
It was an unsettling thought. It interfered with her view of the world – if something could fool the doctor, she wondered, how could anyone tell what was real? She sighed a bit, then started as the rhythm under her hand changed.
"Rodney?" she said gently. He was waking, and his eyes roamed their faces.
Ford cut right to the chase. "It's us, Doctor. We're not dead."
Teyla saw the confusion in McKay's eyes. Sheppard had too.
"It was a test, McKay." The Major tried to be matter of fact. It came across as slightly forced good humour. "There was an observer, but as soon as you'd finished your part, he vanished." He held up the remains of the helmet. "There were little – I guess probes – that held this on you. We tried to take it off but it hurt you. And then once that guy shot you it fell off on it's own."
Teyla shook her head slightly. McKay wasn't listening. His eyes were moving from face to face, hungry to believe it was real, desperately afraid it wasn't.
The Major set the remains of the helmet down, leaning forward and taking both Rodney's hands in his.
"It didn't happen, Rodney. It was some sort of machine, testing you for who knows what, but it's over now. I am so sorry you had to go through that."
McKay closed his eyes again in relief, and grimaced as a couple tears squeezed their way out.
"Sorry." he whispered. She could see he was trying to reconcile his most recent experiences with the reality of being alive, uninjured. Ford was chatting about their experiences, and she nodded when her name was mentioned, but her attention was now on the Major. There was great effort in his attempts to seem at ease. She knew there was fury simmering below the surface.
-
And the anger was still there, even in the briefing room, though somewhat muted in deference to Weir. Sheppard sat stiffly in the chair, arms folded, and Ford carried the narrative as Teyla watched.
"The observer was monitoring everything. Once Dr. McKay was mobile another wall opened, and it led us to a huge computer vault. It told us the civilization had been dead for centuries, and that the computers had tested everyone who landed – no one had passed but us."
Ford glanced at Sheppard. "The Major took exception to what they had done to Doctor McKay – actually, he tore a strip off it. Teyla and I were pretty angry too, and we didn't hide it. I mean, it left the three of us together, it was way easier for us than for him – he thought we were dead! And then, at the end, the program made him think he had been killed. We saw it – the bastard walked right up and shot him in the heart…" Ford swallowed, realized he was colouring his report with emotion, and paused for a second.
"Dr. McKay says it learns very quickly" he resumed, "and it even learned contrition – it never thought what it was like for it's test subjects. It never thought of what it was doing as torture."
"Which it was." Sheppard interjected.
"Anyway, it apologized and it seemed like it really wanted us to have all that information…I think Dr. McKay forgave it in about ten seconds."
"Which I haven't." Sheppard said bluntly.
Elizabeth regarded Sheppard. "You recommended acceptance." she said gently.
Sheppard shrugged. "It was Rodney that made up my mind." he said. Realizing he was telegraphing his worry too clearly, he slouched into his usual sprawl, deliberately, took a deep breath and Teyla could see him reaching again for his nonchalance.
"C'mon, Liz, he did the happy puppy thing. If he'd had a tail it would've been wagging. And something good has to come out of what that…thing put him through. A whole culture. It'll keep the xeno-anthro folks busy for decades."
She nodded. The comm beeped, and she answered.
"I just want to report I have completed a full neurological assessment of Dr. McKay." Carson said without preamble. "He is healthy and undamaged, at least physically. I have recommended he speak with one of our psychologists in the next day or so, and released him to his quarters."
"Recommendations?"
"You've got me, Elizabeth. This is nothing we've had experience with, but I could see that he might suffer from some delayed stress. He might not. He's resilient. I'd wait for the psychologist's report and take it from there."
She nodded. "Thank you, Carson." and closed the comm. "I'll speak to Rodney later about recommendations for personnel for the project, and I'm pulling you from mission rotation for two days. Take it easy for a bit. Dismissed."
-
"So he's doing well." Sheppard said. It was a week later, and, as the head of the team, Sheppard had requested a report.
"I think he's doing as well as …hell, John, I don't know." Heightmeyer confessed finally. "He described something to me that I can't imagine happening. It certainly fits the broader definition of torture, but he doesn't seem to be exhibiting any of the usual symptoms of a survivor of torture."
"And that's a good thing?"
"or a bad one…but I don't know that he's suppressing anything. If I was asked, point blank, I'd say he's ready to go back on duty. He's resilient. And as much as it pains me to admit I think this might be one thing that psychotherapy can't help as much as time – and friends - could."
-
And time passed, as it does, and it was several months before the subject came up again.
-
When it did, too, it was such a matter of fact issue, brought up by Weir in the morning meeting, that Sheppard found he'd agreed that all four of them would join the research team and the observer back in the citadel the next day.
And then, of course, Sheppard found he couldn't sleep. He had happened to be glancing Rodney's way when Weir had made the request, and for a instant he thought he saw fear cross the physicist's face, but he had turned to respond to Weir and when he looked back it was gone.
The mention of the observer had set off a whole series of emotions in him, though – anger, fear, sorrow - and after tossing restlessly for an hour or so he decided what he needed was to take a walk.
It occurred to him that maybe McKay was having trouble sleeping too.
The hall was quiet, and though he listened at the door there was no noise within. He sighed and turned away. Maybe he'd imagined what he'd seen at the conference.
There was a tiny noise on the other side of the door, though, and he turned back – just in time to collide with McKay as he stepped through.
"Whoa!" Sheppard grabbed at McKay's shoulders, and they managed to keep from falling.
"Sorry." McKay said shortly. He shrugged into his jacket and headed off.
"Can't sleep?" Sheppard asked, catching up. He could see by the set of McKay's shoulders that he didn't want the company, but during the little dance at the doorway he had seen the fear rise again, and knew the last thing he would do is leave the man alone.
"No. Walking now." McKay said. "Alone. Walking alone."
"Um, no. Not really." Sheppard matched his stride. They paced along the hall for a few minutes, and – as Sheppard knew he would – McKay stopped and glared at him.
"What?" he demanded. "I need a shadow?"
Sheppard shook his head, realizing their usual snark for snark wouldn't work for this. "I couldn't sleep." he said frankly "and I wanted some company."
"And Teyla wasn't doing some Athosian non-sleep ritual?" McKay grumbled. "You had to come find me?"
"I wanted your company, you thickheaded Canuck." Sheppard said with a small grin. And don't pick on your teammates – it isn't nice."
"I know." he sighed.
Sheppard's grin faded a bit at the reply. "I wanted to see what you thought about tomorrow. About going back."
"And why do you think it was I couldn't sleep, huh? I've been thinking about that since this morning." The sharp response was automatic, but Sheppard's admission of seeking him out had deflected some of his irritation.
"It kind of snuck up on us."
"Yeah."
McKay turned, but this time he wasn't trying for distance, he was headed off to the nearest balcony. Zipping his jacket, he folded his arms across his chest and stared out.
"You still talking to Jane about it?"
"Nah. I didn't bother going back after the first two." The wind was gentle tonight, and he turned his face into it. "She had no true frame of reference for it – we discussed possible side effects but…"he shrugged.
"And you had nightmares." Sheppard said flatly. "And she said they'd fade with time. But still."
"Yeah. But still."
They stood in silence for a long moment.
"You don't have to come tomorrow. Weir would understand."
Another silence.
"It took everything from me, you know."
Sheppard turned, but McKay was still staring over the ocean.
"You were all gone. There wasn't anyone left. All I had was the ZPM, and I had to get it back. It would have been so easy to just – end it. I wanted to…so badly…" the last few words were whispered.
Sheppard moved a bit closer. Their shoulders almost touching, they watched the waves together. After a few moments McKay began again.
"When I thought I was seeing your ghosts I wasn't scared. It just seemed like you'd decided to stick around and help. It seemed so natural. And when I was lying there after pushing the knapsack through the gate I wasn't thinking about Atlantis, or them all getting home, I was watching that man come up and aim and he couldn't shoot quickly enough for me. I wanted him to. I wanted to be with my friends again."
He moved away suddenly, leaning over the railing, hands knotted together. "And you want to know the really weird thing? The thing I never told anyone?"
Behind him, Sheppard nodded "Yes."
"When I woke up and saw you all – for an instant I was angry. Furious. I'd gone through the worst of it all, already, and now I realized it wasn't over, I had it all to fear again for everyone I care about – seeing you die, finding you dead, keeping you from dying. I figured it was all over. But it isn't." he dropped his head. "It isn't."
Sheppard moved to lean beside him. "You don't want to- "
"Kill myself?" McKay laughed shortly. "Nope. Too much neat stuff happening, don'tcha know."
"Yeah – no one would want to miss all this." He sighed. "You know, they never covered this in officer school."
"What, being stranded millions of light years away on a floating city?"
The more typical McKay response eased Sheppard's concern slightly. "No, though no one mentioned that before, either. No." He folded his hands, staring past them, thinking back. "There are all kinds of lessons on dealing with the loss of a team member, basic psych 101 stuff. I just don't recall anything on how to handle the virtual deaths of your entire team – and then your own.
"I know someone with a great saying. If the word "Virtual" is in front of it, it never really happened. Like virtual sex, virtual dating."
"Virtual death?"
McKay nodded. "I guess." He turned away from the ocean and propped his butt on the rail, arms folded. Sheppard straightened to face him.
"You really don't want to go back." he said.
"I really don't want to go back." McKay agreed. Sheppard tilted his head in acknowledgement, but his next comment was interrupted by the physicist.
"That's why I have to, I guess."
Sheppard closed his mouth, nodded slightly.
"Confront your fears." he said.
"Get back on the horse." McKay replied, and the tension had all but left his voice.
"Don't let the shafters win."
McKay straightened. "I heard a different version of that one." He looked at his watch. "We're through the gate in six hours, Major."
"Right." Sheppard pushed off the rail and headed for the hall. "Be there or be oblong."
"The phrase is "be there or be square" I believe." McKay trailed after him.
"Or rectangular. Or round. Round fits you, McKay."
An irritated edge crept into the man's voice. "I'll have you know I've lost almost twenty pounds since getting here. Mostly running away from trouble you get us into."
Sheppard turned, walking backwards. "Trouble I get us into?" he asked, gesturing elaborately. "I don't think I can be held to blame for everything. I have help, you know. Lots of very intelligent help."
McKay grinned. "Why, thank you for admitting I'm intelligent." he said smugly, and disappeared inside his room
Sheppard stood, glaring at the door for a second, before smiling to himself. He sauntered off, hands in pockets, knowing he'd have no trouble sleeping now.