A/N: Drunk me was playing Skyrim. Drunk me was also writing RWBY fanfiction. Drunk me then stumbled upon the best Daedric quest in the game with my latest build (a Nord wearing the Blades armor minus the helmet and using the Ebony Blade)
Drunk me is an asshole and decided to write this.
A Night To Remember
Summary: It seemed simple enough. Win a drinking contest and receive an awesome staff. Except reality isn't like that and Jaune finds himself wondering one thing: what did he do last night?
Jaune walked into the Crow Bar, taking a seat and wiping sweat from his brow. He had been training nonstop with his partner and girlfriend Pyrrha for the past few hours, and she insisted that the blonde take the rest of the night off to unwind and enjoy life outside of school. Between training, dealing with Nora eating all of Ren's pancakes, and studying for exams, the leader of Team JNPR rarely had time to relax.
Team RWBY's antics didn't help.
Jaune didn't forget about the time the four girls tried to reenact a scene from some weird web series of a bunch of idiots arguing in a box canyon.
Though he did learn some useful information. Like that Professor Oobleck should be forbidden from being anywhere near vehicles or heavy machinery, such as battle tanks. Jaune purposely forgot the details.
It was funny the first time the coffee-addicted professor almost blew up Taiyang. The second time was a bit much.
And almost shooting him in the head with a sniper rifle? Come on. Jaune was beginning to believe Oobleck had a grudge against Yang's dad. Or was that one crazy fan addicted to being a teamkilling moron.
Jaune had barely taken a seat when an older man, probably in his late thirties or early forties, stumbled over to him. "Hey, kid! You look like someone who can hold their liquor! What do you say to a friendly contest to win a staff?"
Normally, Jaune would respectfully decline the invitation; he had only sampled alcohol once, and that was when he was sixteen and given a bottle of tequila by his oldest sister Jenna as a way to see if he could carry the family legacy of being drinking champions.
It wasn't pretty.
But, Jaune saw that this particular man was already drunk, and he felt a bolt of confidence surge through him. 'I can take him easily.' "A drinking contest? Please! You don't stand a chance!"
"That's the spirit! Now this is a special brew, very strong stuff," the man grinned, pulling out several unmarked bottles from his grey dress shirt. "I'll start it off." He gulped down his first drink, wiping his lips and holding out a bottle to the blonde. "Down the hatch, kid."
"Okay. No problem." Jaune let his first drink pour down his throat, and he felt the effects immediately. His vision started to blur, and he blinked a few times to prevent himself from stumbling. "Whoa…" 'Just what the heck have I gotten myself into? Is it too late to back out?'
'No! You are an Arc! And Arcs never go back on their promises!'
"And another one for me," the man muttered, chugging his second drink and laughing as he started to sway horribly. "Are you still up for it?"
"A second drink. Easy enough," Jaune replied, taking the bottle and draining its contents, feeling his drunk meter slip from 'Woozy' to 'Go home, you're drunk'. 'No way I can do more than three. If he keeps going, I'm done forrrrrrr.'
"So says you," the man snorted, holding onto the table. "I personally think I've hit my limit on these things. Tell ya what kid; you finish one more, and the staff is yours."
"One more. No problemsh!" Jaune snatched his third drink and slammed it down, and that was it. He went from 'Drunk' to 'Completely wasted, get your butt home now' the minute he finished, and his vision started to swim.
"Whoa! Now that's what I'm talking about!" the man chortled. "You've definitely earned the staff, my friend!"
"Thash grape!" Jaune slurred, giggling like a crazy person due to being completely and utterly intoxicated.
"I know a place where the wine flows like water. Hey, you don't look so good…"
Jaune's head hit the floor and he blacked out.
-0-
Jaune came to, and he groaned as the sunlight made his head ache as though he was on the receiving end of one of Nora's hammer hits. Suddenly, his cheek stung, and he yelped in pain as he heard an irritated female voice hiss at him. "Wake up! That's right, wake up you drunken blasphemer!"
Jaune's vision cleared, and he saw a woman clad in monk robes standing over him; she wasn't happy, to put it lightly. "Ugh, my head…what was that about blasphemy?" 'Where the heck am I? How did I end up all the way here?'
"I see," the priestess muttered. "So I imagine that you don't remember fondling the statuary of the goddess of beauty? And you definitely won't remember ranting and raving about some sort of marriage."
Jaune nearly choked. "What was that about a marriage?" 'Oh no…just what the hell did I do last night!? And where's the staff I was promised!?'
The man who was with him was also gone, yet as the blonde stood up on his wobbly legs, a small note slipped out of his pocket. 'To repair the staff, we'll need the following items: a Beowolf claw, a Nevermore feather, and an Ursa fang. Signed, Qrow Branwen.' "Um, was someone by the name of Qrow with me?"
"Clean up the trash you dumped and then we'll talk," the woman snapped.
Jaune sighed and resigned himself to his fate and started to clean up the mess. It was relatively small; all it consisted of were a few bottles of wine and the aforementioned items in the note. 'Note to self. Don't. Drink. Again.'
"That's better," the priestess murmured softly, adjusting her silky robes. "Now, most of what you were saying when you got here was slurred nonsense, but you said something about a farm named Korirstead, to the southeast. I'd suggest you look there."
"Thanks for the tip. And I'm so sorry about the mess."
-0-
"You have a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did!" an angry farmer spat once he laid eyes upon the blonde.
"I'm sorry?" Jaune tried, shrinking away from the menacing pitchfork the man held.
"Sorry my damn foot! You stole my Grelda and sold her to a giant! I'll never breed another prize-winning goat like her!"
"That sounds pretty bad…"
"You're damn right it does! Now go get my damn goat!"
"Um, did I mention anything about a staff? I think I might need it to get your goat back. Or I can offer you some lien?" Jaune offered, holding out two-thousand lien. It wasn't much, but he was sure that it would be more than enough to cover the goat.
He was really regretting ever getting involved in that drinking contest.
"Well…money is money. You were an absolute mess when you went through here, but you said something about paying back a woman by the name of Jade, back in Vale."
"Thank you. And I'm really sorry about your goat!"
-0-
"Look, I know I said I'd be patient, but you still owe me," Jade said with a huff when the blonde approached her.
"Yeah, I'm getting that a lot lately…" Jaune scratched the back of his head, his shoulder slumped. He was really beginning to wonder how the hell he managed to cover so much ground in one night; it didn't seem humanly possible. 'So, I trashed a temple, stole a goat, and who knows what else.'
"What's the matter? Did the engagement fall through?"
"WHAT!?"
"You don't remember? And it was such a beautiful story of how you met your fiancée. You said the stars were twinkling above while you proclaimed your love for each other in the Emerald Forest," Jade sighed dreamily. "So romantic…"
"Screw that! I don't want a wedding!" Jaune's frustration boiled over, and he unleashed it on the poor woman. "To the blazes with whatever happened! I need to find this person named Qrow more than anything!"
"Okay, take it easy!" the woman put her hands up, eyes wide. "You said the ceremony was going to be in Mountain Glenn, that's all I know!"
"…sorry. Here's some lien."
-0-
When Jaune reached Mountain Glenn, he was angry.
His eyes were bulging.
His hands were shaking.
For the first time, he snapped.
He ripped off a Beowolf's arms and used them to applaud its agonizing demise. He then proceeded to rip out an Ursa's skull out of its head and beat it to death with it.
He really wasn't having it.
And when he finally reached Qrow, he was really mad and had to restrain himself from strangling the man right where he stood.
"Hey there! Glad you made it!" Qrow grinned when he saw the blood on Jaune's hands, and he waved him over to where a bunch of other merry people were drinking their lives away. "Come, come!"
"Do you have any idea what you put me through!?" Jaune screamed. "I trashed a temple, nearly got engaged, and sold a goat to a giant!"
"I know, I know," Qrow sighed, putting his hands up. "How could I do that? Well, how the hell was I supposed to trust you until we shared a few drinks? You caused me more amusement and spread more debauchery than I have ever seen! You definitely earned the staff!"
"Why me!?"
"Let's be honest, I don't always think things through. But you're going places, kid. And you can just throw all that crap away," the older man replied, gesturing towards the items in the blonde's hands. "Use this staff to spread merriment. I call it the Sanguine Rose, and it has an interesting little feature."
"…Thanks, I guess," Jaune grumbled, taking the rose-topped staff from Qrow's hands. He really was never going to drink again, after this stunt. 'Never going to even look at a bottle of booze again.'
"No problem. Now, maybe a few tricks from your Uncle Qrow can teach you a few things about having fun with it. Listen carefully…"
-0-
"…and that's how I got this staff," Jaune finished, looking at his friends. Ren and Blake were quiet, Pyrrha was red-faced at the realization her boyfriend almost married someone else while intoxicated, Ruby was embarrassed, Yang and Nora were laughing, and Weiss was eerily calm.
"What does that stupid rose do, anyway?" the Ice Queen scoffed. "If anything, it seems like a piece of trash."
Jaune watched the small crow land on the windowsill, and with a devious smirk on his lips, he pointed the staff at Weiss and Ruby. "…let's just say your judgment goes out the window."
It really was the perfect tool for making them a couple.
Such delicious debauchery.
And it was one hell of a night to remember.
A/N: And that's a wrap! Hope you enjoyed this glorious stupidity!