Disclaimer: I don't own anything... :(
Meeting Captain America had been a genuine honor, a childhood dream come true. Considering he'd only had two childhood dreams – and the one where his father would love him shattered long ago – that had been a pretty big deal.
Tony had been relieved to learn that the Captain was everything he had hoped for and then some. The way he'd taken charge of the group, like he'd known that was what they needed. The sort of gracefulness to his moves that Tony had been surprised he'd even noticed. The concern he'd shown after everything had been over to make sure every single one of them had been all right. It all fit perfectly into the image of Captain America Tony had created for himself as a kid during many sleepless nights and still clung to ridiculously most of his adult life.
Meeting Steve Rogers, though, hadn't been such a joy.
The man hadn't been like the super-hero he pretended to be. Because whereas Captain America was kind, considerate and the most perfect human being, Steve Rogers was a flawed, angry person that vented his frustrations at the first willing target. Only problem was, Tony wasn't willing.
True, Loki's spear had had a lot to do with most of the other's angry words. But that didn't take away the fact that the frustration was real, the feeling was real. They were just being voiced with the spear around instead of being bottled up in silence.
It was also true that his own snide remarks regarding Steve were anything but kind and respectful. Again, the spear, but Tony had to admit that while he'd been harsher than he normally would have been, that was also who he was – who he'd learned to be through betrayal after betrayal.
Sure, even without the presence of the spear he felt the need to taunt the other, say hurtful things to get to the other before he could get to him. Because he'd rather prevent getting close with someone in the first place than end up betrayed in the end.
But he hadn't expected that Steve wouldn't see through his façade. Wasn't the guy supposed to be perfect?
Instead, fired on by the spear, Steve had grabbed his chance to get rid of some anger, annoyance and yes, disappointment.
Because Tony knew Steve was disappointed with who he was. That he'd become his own person instead of a clone of his father. Because, apparently, his father had been worth ten of him. Steve hadn't said it was Howard Stark he'd been talking about but it hadn't mattered. He'd understood, loud and clear, that Steve thought his father – his fucking father – had been a better person than him.
So damn Steve Fucking Rogers because he was wrong. He'd built the suit to do the right thing. Heck, he'd even almost sacrificed himself to save New York. It wasn't his fault that his foul mouth made all his good acts look selfish… Now if he told himself that enough times, he'd probably start to believe it, too.
"Sir."
Tony startled when JARVIS spoke and he felt his blood run cold when he noticed he'd unconsciously wandered over to the liquor-bar.
"Tonight the temperature is 65°F, there are no clouds and there is a small breeze. Perhaps you should get a breath of fresh air."
It had been a while since Tony felt relieved that he'd created a warning-system within JARVIS' normal program when it came to his distance to the liquor-bar.
He heaved a sigh and nodded. Yeah, very grateful.
Hanging onto the balcony railing he watched New York below him.
It was true that yes, there were a lot of memories in New York, and no, not all of them were good. But he still liked the city.
It was alive, over-the-top and abundant. He'd always figured nothing quite fit his personality more than the city of New York with its many clubs filled with copious amounts of willing women and even more booze to soothe any of his moods. The city was – simply said – one big forest where he could hide in plain daylight without ever being caught.
But that didn't stop him from wishing he still lived in Malibu.
Because when the one thing – the one person – you wanted to hide from lived in your house and was spoken off by every fucking person in the city you either had to deal with it or get away.
Tony wasn't too bothered to admit that in this case he was indeed a coward instead of a hero. For if him wanting to down the entire bar was any indication, he wasn't dealing. He was running away. And he'd rather do that in his workshop in Malibu with JARVIS telling him to go to bed and AC/DC blaring from the speakers than in New York with his collection of liquor.
He'd leave in the morning and tell himself that he could at least use his lingering memories of a painful and lonely childhood as an excuse to retreat back to Malibu.
He was such a coward.
Waking up in a new world, a new life, had been disorienting, frustrating and to be completely honest, horrible. He'd felt lost most of the time. Not in the streets, but emotionally. There'd been nothing and no-one he knew anymore and when he felt like an idiot for not understanding there was no-one there to tell him it would be fine.
There'd been people to help him, of course. But none of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents he'd met so far came close to even maybe being friends. They'd been either star-struck, uptight or too busy to pay him much attention at all.
He'd left S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ almost the moment he'd walked into his room. Instead, he'd asked Fury to help him get an apartment and the next day, he'd been there.
He hadn't, however, considered what being in an apartment, alone, would be like. Because whereas being at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ with all its technology had been a constant reminder of this new world he was in, being alone in a somewhat comfortable place had been a confrontation. A confrontation with what he'd lost and how utterly alone he really was.
It had made him feel depressed and had left him hopeless. Alone in his apartment, he constantly wondered about the future. What would become of him now? Would he make new friends, meet someone like Peggy again? And, also, he worried whether or not this world still needed a Captain America. Things had changed, people had changed and Steve wasn't sure if he'd ever fit in.
But there'd been a light, a hope that made him think things might turn out all right. Because Howard had a son, someone that Steve had felt he might connect with since they shared a connection with Howard Stark.
Then, he'd read about Anthony Stark. About the billion dollar company, the Iron Man suit and the circumstances under which he'd made it.
He'd respected Tony because of it. 'Cause he – Howard's son – had done something with his knowledge and money. Something for the world, something good. Just like his father had.
He'd been curious then and he read more about the other, watched various short clips of footage S.H.I.E.L.D. had provided and then he'd proceeded his research on what Fury had called The Internet.
What he'd found had both disappointed and angered him.
Tony Stark wasn't a great, selfless guy at all. Instead he was a rich, selfish bastard that slept around and did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
It disappointed him that Howard's son – Howard, who'd been so kind and funny, a great friend – was so unlike his father. And the fact that Tony could do so many good things if only he would just work together with anyone, yet refused to do so, angered Steve. In his opinion, those that could help out others should. No questions asked.
So, he might admire and respect Iron Man, Tony Stark wasn't someone he felt he'd ever come to like.
But, perhaps, that all would change when they met.
He'd been wrong about that.
Meeting Tony Stark didn't mean the other would suddenly change. He'd have to admit it had been foolish of himself to hope for that. Because meeting the other had merely meant he'd seen the selfish and cocky behavior with his own eyes and heard those words directed at him.
Looking back, though, he couldn't help but feel guilty. Even if he'd been urged on by Loki's spear, he never should have said the other was basically worthless, selfish and not worthy to be called a hero.
True, he'd thought all of those things but he hadn't had any right to actually say them out loud like that, spear or not.
Besides, he knew his guilt was fired on by the fact that Tony had proven him wrong.
He wasn't worthless.
He had issues with listening but he wasn't as selfish as he pretended to be.
Tony Stark was a hero, albeit a cocky one.
Sure, he wouldn't lay down on a wire to let someone else crawl over him. Instead, he would cut the wire and Steve just realized too late what exactly the other had meant with that.
Steve stared at his sketchpad, laying forlornly in his lap. He hadn't been able to sleep and now he wasn't able to draw either.
He brushed a hand through his hair and sighed.
He knew he couldn't sleep because he was tormented by nightmares – nightmares about his past, about Buck and Peggy and dying – and there was little he could do to change that.
He did, however, know why he wasn't able to draw, why he had so little inspiration. He'd always been an honest guy so yes, he knew that his guilt towards Tony prevented him from doing anything but think about apologizing. Yet being an honest guy didn't make apologizing any easier.
Certainly not since after the most recent attempt by some alien life-form to invade the earth, the Avengers had moved into Stark Tower. It was easier, after all, to all live together. It made apologizing to Tony harder as well, though. Because what if things backfired? How on earth would he be able to live in a civilized surrounding with the other then?
'Come on,' he then told himself sternly. 'You're Captain America. Get your head out of your ass and apologize.'
It was around eight a.m. when Steve finally got his 'head out of his ass' and looked up at the ceiling – it was so strange, talking to a computer. "JARVIS, is Tony awake?"
"He is currently on his way to the kitchen, Captain."
Steve nods and smiles a bit nervously at the ceiling – right, strange. "Okay, thanks JARVIS."
"You are welcome, Captain."
Taking a breath, Steve told him to 'man up' yet again and then, before he could change his mind, set off to the kitchen.
"JARVIS, call Pepper for me. I need to let her know I'm leaving." Tony mumbled, making his way into the kitchen. It was eight a.m. – way before he usually got out of bed – and he hadn't slept a wink last night. He needed coffee, damn it.
"Perhaps it is best to refrain from informing Miss Potts about your departure just yet, Sir."
Tony frowned and while getting the coffee-machine ready said: "Why is that?"
"Captain Rogers wishes to speak with you and is currently on his way to the kitchen."
Tony scowled. "Well too bad. I don't want to talk to him. Now call Pepper."
Tony was certain that if he'd given the AI the ability to sigh, he would have. Instead, JARVIS just replied "yes Sir," and rang Pepper.
"Could you… uhm, maybe not call her yet, JARVIS?"
Suddenly Steve was in the kitchen, looking up at the ceiling and Tony rolled his eyes in irritation.
"Please?" Steve then added.
"Of course, Captain."
"So you like him more than you do me, huh?" Tony muttered, not turning away from the coffee-machine even though it was already on and running. "See what I do to you on your next upgrade."
A silence settled over the kitchen, Tony pointedly ignoring Steve, Steve shuffling his feet in an insecure gesture and the coffee-machine happily huffing and puffing away.
Tony was the first to break. After all, staying silent had never been one of his strong points. He turned around, leaning back against the kitchen-counter so he could coolly regard Steve. "Any reason as to why you don't want me calling the CEO of my own company to let her know I'm leaving the city, Rogers?"
Steve frowned and, completely ignoring Tony's question, asked: "You're leaving?"
Tony crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I'm going to Malibu for a while. I'm working on a better version of Barton's bow, need to make some adjustments to your shield and my suit needs a upgrade."
Steve's confusion was clear on his face when he said: "You've got a workshop here. Why go all the way to Malibu?"
Of course, Tony wasn't going to tell Steve he was the reason why he felt the need to go to Malibu. Sure, if Captain America was a smart, good boy he would figure it out eventually but Tony sure as hell wasn't going to gratify him by admitting it himself.
Tony shrugged. "I can't focus here like I can in Malibu. Memories of good, ol' dad and all that, you know?"
Steve looked taken aback for a moment, surprised at the sarcastic way Tony spoke of his father. Then, though, he remembered all that he'd heard about the other, the things Miss Potts – Virginia, Steve, Virginia – had told him and narrowed his eyes. He might be here to apologize, but he wouldn't accept being lied to if he was going to be completely honest. "This is the first time I've heard of you not being able to focus here. Even though Virginia has told me of numerous projects you've worked on while in New York."
Tony's lip twitched slightly and he averted his eyes for less than a second before he raised an eyebrow and cockily said: "Better not let her hear you call her that, Rogers."
Steve shook his head. "She asked if I would refrain from calling her Miss Potts so I'm only calling her by her name." Then he looked the other straight in the eye, daring him to look away again. "You're changing the subject, though."
Tony blinked, cocked his head to the side and gave Steve a grin – the same grin he threw at the cameras all the time. "Considering it was Pepper I was calling before you decided to interrupt, not that much, actually."
Steve's gaze hardened. "And you were calling her because you're leaving. Because, apparently, you can't focus anymore in New York while you were perfectly able to before."
Tony's lips set in a thin line. "That's what I said."
Steve shook his head. God, this wasn't how he'd wanted this conversation to go. All he wanted was to apologize for his own behavior yet here they were again, rubbing each other in all the wrong ways and arguing over nothing. "You want to leave, without even thinking about anything. Your responsibilities."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Hence why I was going to call Pepper."
"I was talking about the Avengers, Stark." Steve snapped angrily. "We're a team now and you can't just leave without discussing it with us first."
"Well, excuse me for not having received the memo about me having to fill out a leave application form." Tony. "Besides, last time I checked I was a consultant and not part of any team."
A exasperated huff passed Steve's lips. "You voluntarily became part of the team the moment you allowed us all to move into your home, so don't act dumb."
"Yeah, and wasn't that the worst decision of my life." Tony scoffed, turning his head away. His life would've been so much better if he hadn't allowed the team – Steve – to move into his tower.
Steve glared at Tony. "So now suddenly it's our fault?" He demanded.
Tony rolled his eyes. "You don't get it yet? There is no 'our' or 'us'." He really needed to get going now because he just knew he was going to run out of patience soon and he sure as hell didn't want to be around Steve Fucking Rogers when that mood hit him.
"Why do you keep doing this?" Steve asked, a frown on his face and his mind trying to come up with anyway for him to actually get an apology into this conversation. But he couldn't just blurt out an apology, not now. Not when he felt that he was getting closer to understanding Tony a little better again – even though they were arguing. "Why do you constantly run away from everything?"
"I don't run away." A blatant lie but hey, it was better than admitting the truth.
"But you do!" Steve made an impatient gesture with his hands. "Here you are, running away from the team to Malibu."
Tony gritted his teeth. "I'm not running from the team, Rogers."
"Then what are you running from?" Steve angrily demanded, for the first time since their conversation stepping up to Tony and grabbing his upper-arm in a desperate attempt to get an answer.
The moment Steve grabbed his arm, Tony felt cornered, like a caged animal. He jerked his arm away with wide, shocked eyes and stumbled a step backwards. He looked up at Steve. He didn't know how to fucking deal with these kind of situations, damn it!
Steve's eyes had widened the moment Tony panicked and he was now holding up both his hands in a peace-offer, confusion clear in his bright blue eyes. "Tony, are you running from me?"
A harsh laugh escaped Tony and he turned his eyes away to the kitchen-floor – God, he really needed new tiles. "Congrats, wonder-boy finally got it."
Steve gasped and swallowed, looking a lot like a kicked puppy when he almost desperately asked Tony: "Me? But why?! I mean… I know the things I said were –"
That was when Tony interrupted Steve, eyes flashing angrily and hands shaking. "You meant everything you said so don't bullshit me, Rogers."
Steve shook his head, getting angry himself. "Damn it, Stark, that's why I'm here! I wanted to –"
"Don't Rogers, just don't." Tony shook his head. He felt angry, so angry and disappointed and hurt and before Steve could say anything he snapped: "I hate you, you know that? I fucking hate you so much. My dad could never shut up about you, how good you were, how nice you were and I idolized you. I wanted to be you, damn it! Because dad wasn't disappointed in you."
"Tony…" Steve tried to interrupt.
Tony shook his head, huffing. "You wouldn't know what it's like, being compared to something great all the time, a hero. And then I met you, the great guy my father wanted me to be. And you know what? I hated it! Because you hated me, were disappointed in me, just like my father and it's unfair. So fucking unfair because all I ever tried to be for my dad was you and now you want me to be my fucking dad!"
Tony's body shook, he himself overwhelmed with the amount of emotions having overtaken him. He took a step back, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter and praying Steve wasn't going to hit him.
"Tony…" Steve swallowed and turned his eyes away for a second, obviously needing a moment to let the words sink in. His heart ached for Tony, for the obvious pain his childhood had brought him. Certainly considering his own words to Tony, his own mistake in assuming he knew the other. But it did mean that this was his chance, his opportunity to apologize to Tony and let him know he'd been wrong. That Tony was a hero.
Steve took a breath and looked at Tony, wanting to step closer while he spoke but deciding it was better if he didn't . "Tony, that's not true. I was wrong, I know that now. Will you let me explain?"
A humorless laugh escaped Tony. "Since we're having quite the moment here, sure. Go ahead, throw it all out and rip me a new one."
Steve clenched his hands into fists, shaking his heard before he softly yet emotionally said: "I'm not going to do that, Tony. I came here to apologize to you, actually. Because I was wrong, so wrong about you and… I mean, you were right. You would cut the wire and… When you flew that nuke into space, that's when I knew what you'd actually meant. You are a hero. I might've been disappointed when you weren't an exact copy of your father and you are egocentric and cocky. But you're also kind and considerate. I don't hate you and I certainly don't want you to be your father. I respect you and if your father could see you now he'd agree with me you are an amazing man, Tony Stark."
Tony stared at Steve with wide eyes. Was this really happening? If anything, Steve was obviously making things look better than they were. Probably to keep him from leaving. Maybe… he'd give the other a run for his money and stay, then.
He allowed a long breath to pass his lips and brushed a hand through his hair. "Right, okay. Well that's just great, isn't it?"
Steve saw Tony's shock, his hesitation and he knew right away that it would take more than just this conversation to mend the pain he had caused – albeit unknowingly. This, at least, was a start. "It is great. There's been so many misunderstandings between us and we've set off on the wrong foot because of it. But that will change now, Tony. We can be friends."
When Steve reached out to place a hand on top of his shoulder, Tony froze for a second. Well, at least Steve didn't hate him… "Sure buddy, friends. Got it."
Steve smiled brightly at those words and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Yeah, things would be fine.
Eventually.
Suddenly, after a few more awkward moments, Tony cleared his throat. "Rogers?"
"Yeah?"
"You can pull back your hand now."