Aurora's Confession
The steps feel familiar yet entirely foreign as Mulan walks up them for the first time in two years. They still make the same sound as her boots collide with the hard stone. The memory of walking down those same steps for what she thought was the last time floats into her mind. It feels like yesterday that she left, the castle, her friend Philip and her everything, Aurora. She could never regret leaving though; as much as it pains her every day to miss that smile, those auburn locks and the eyes that made every worry in the world melt away. She left to make Aurora happy, to give her a chance at a real family and the life she had always dreamed of for herself. She left to avoid complications and heartbreak. She could never regret making the life of the love of her life better, no matter how much it hurt.
Mulan winced as all her weight shifted onto her injured leg. A small cut she told herself but that didn't stop it from hurting with every step. She was distracted from her physical pain though by the flutter in her stomach. She had no reason to be nervous, she was just returning to see her friends after a long time away. She would tell them of her time away, with Robin Hood. She would tell Phillip of the battles they fought, the enemies met and the tales of her sword's victories. He'll be proud, he will smile that smile she used to love and he will tell her he always knew she'd be great. Aurora will be less impressed and more so worried. She'll have to remember to tell her that the shoulder doesn't even hurt that much anymore and not even mention her foot; you can't see those scars through her boot. She has always worried far too much and she isn't returning to make Aurora worry.
That brings her to why she is there though. Pure curiosity; maybe. It would certainly help to ease the heavy heart she carries to know Aurora really is happy. To see Aurora's young child, perhaps. If Mulan has one regret it is that she never returned for the birth of Phillip and Aurora's child. She doesn't even know yet if they have a daughter or a son. Aurora probably didn't notice her absence though, she had Phillip by her side; her true love and the only person she will ever need. They are each other's family; she's just an outsider who is connected to them by her chosen career. If she had never joined Phillip's army they wouldn't know of her, or think of her. Someone else would have been there to save them; at least she hopes someone would have been there. Phillip is a good man and he is Aurora's man, saving him was her duty and her pleasure. He deserved it, he is a good man.
She always has to tell herself this, reminding herself constantly that Phillip is good. She tells herself it's just because he is truly good, but she knows deep down that it's more than that. Reminding herself that he is a good man is just another way of reminding herself why she can't have Aurora. Phillip is good and he deserves her. Phillip is a good man who makes Aurora happy. He's a good man who is a good father to their child. Phillip is a good man and he is Aurora's man, that's really what she is reminding herself of in every moment of weakness where she dreams of confessing her feelings to Aurora. Every time she has wanted to tell Aurora that she loves her, she reminds herself that Phillip is a good man. It helps, if only for a moment.
As she takes the last step and reaches the landing she hears another set of footsteps join her own. These ones are lighter than her own though. These ones are probably the footsteps of someone who isn't limping or weighed down by armor or heartbreak. These footsteps sound joyous and free. She only has brief seconds to contemplate whose footsteps they might be when she is face to face with their owner. Within moments of their arrival in front of her the owner of the footsteps has their arms around her. She is embraced in a warm hug, a hug that says both I've missed you and I can't believe you're here. As he pulls away from their embrace she can see the smile on Phillip's face. It's warm and bright, his warmest smile saved for his most beloved of friends. It's the smile that Mulan used to love, the one that used to fill her thoughts before another took its place.
"Welcome home Mulan, we've missed you."
Phillip's voice is jovial, and filled with truth. They have missed her. That word, home, it had never meant more or less. This was never her home; it is Phillip and Aurora's home. That didn't stop it from feeling like home though, like the place where her family is and where she feels nothing but an endless amount of love. Welcome home, the words wrapped around her like a warm blanket. She was sure she couldn't stay, but for now it felt good.
"I have missed you too Phillip, and Aurora," she added Aurora's name hesitantly as if just saying her name would reveal her true feelings. It might she thought, just thinking of her made her heart hurt. If the way she said the woman's name revealed even an ounce of her pain anyone would know how she felt.
"And her you, Aurora will be thrilled to see you. Although she'll be concerned about that arm, do you need something for it before we call for her?"
Mulan shook her head. Her arm wasn't fine but it would be okay. It had been well over a week since the injury and Robin Hood had insisted she be looked at before she left them. She assured the merry men that she would be well cared for where she was going, but they cared about her as much as Phillip and Aurora. It was cleaned and sewn up and it didn't hurt nearly as much as in that first moment. The cold sword slicing through her flesh was a moment she cared not to relive. She shook her head a second time for good measure, assuring Phillip she was fine with a smile.
"Aurora," Phillip called into the depths of the castle, "we have company."
"Who could possibly be calling on us at this hour?" Aurora called down the stairs, she didn't sound angry, just confused. She hadn't thought about the early hour when waltzing up to the castle. She had just arrived back in the area and it was the first place she wanted to visit.
Hearing Aurora's voice made it real though. She was really there, back in the castle, about to see Aurora again. It would be her first time seeing the woman since her almost confession. Mulan's first time facing Aurora again and seeing the smile that had faded from her face when she told her that she was leaving. She could never stop replaying that moment in her mind. The moment she said goodbye, never knowing if she'd have another chance to see the smile return to Aurora's face. It haunted her dreams, or rather her nightmares all of the nights she was away. She couldn't sleep if Aurora was upset. The only thing that soothed her was to think that Aurora was happier without her, even if that thought tore her apart; at least she could get some rest.
"Just one of my faithful warriors my dear...," Phillip joked but Aurora couldn't even hear him over the sound of her own beating heart when she saw her.
The dark hair and eyes that had walked out of her life two years prior were standing right in front of her again. She stopped for a moment just to take everything in. To study Mulan's features and to take a much needed depth breath. She had run down the remaining stairs when she saw who their visitor was. Even with an obviously broken arm, and what appeared to also be an injured leg and foot she still looked as beautiful as the day she left. The smile she wore only made Aurora smile brighter. She could stand there and beam at her or move in closer. Either way she had to make a move before an awkward silence fell over the entry way.
"Mulan!" the brunette cried out when she finally found her words. "You're home."
That word again, home. It warmed her heart to think both Phillip and Aurora considered this her home. They missed her like family, and were delighted by her return, that felt good. Not as good as if she could have run into Aurora's arms and confessed her love, but good enough for the moment. She couldn't stop smiling and she wasn't sure she ever would, not as long as she could hold the memory of how Aurora was looking at her now in her mind.
Before she could make a move Aurora's arms were wrapped tightly around her neck. She was wrapped in the embrace she had longed for every night since she left. It was the embrace that brightened even Mulan's darkest night out in the woods with the merry men by merely thinking of it as a possibility. She could feel a tear rolling down her cheek as Aurora hugged her tighter. If she could get away with never letting go she would certainly try. It was a few moments before Aurora's hands made their way to Mulan's face. She wiped away her friend's tears and again smiled that smile, the one that looked like it was brighter than a thousand suns, at least to Mulan.
"Don't cry Mulan, you're home now. You're with your family again."
The words pushed Mulan over the edge and now she couldn't stop the tears from falling. They rushed like a mighty waterfall from her eyes. The idea that this was her family both warmed and broke her heart. The mix of emotions was just too much to handle. She had spent two years with men that cared for her, doing what she loved but without the person she loved. Now that she was with her again it was like no time had passed. She felt as strongly for the brunette now as she did the day she left. Today was just another day she wanted to confess everything she couldn't; everything that overwhelmed her heart.
"I'm sorry," she choked out. "It's, uh, just my arm. It really hurts."
She had planned on downplaying her injuries but right now she needed an excuse for her emotions. As much as she wanted to reveal the real reason for her tears, she still couldn't. Nothing and everything had changed for Mulan since leaving. The important part though was that nothing had changed. Aurora was still with Phillip and they had a family. Remembering this Mulan had the perfect excuse to change the subject.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.
"So, where is your little one? I've been dying to know if you've got a beautiful daughter or a handsome son."
She didn't even have to force a smile as she was genuinely excited to meet their child. Any child of Aurora's would be wonderful she was sure of that.
Aurora's smile grew brighter if possible at the mention of her child.
Phillip was the first to speak up, "Leah is just upstairs napping, but she's been down long enough. We can certainly wake her up for a special occasion like this. It's not every day your favourite warrior returns for a visit."
As Phillip walked upstairs to rouse Leah from her nap, Aurora lead Mulan into a sitting room. It's one Mulan remembers fondly. She didn't spend much time in the castle but she could remember a few afternoons spent with Aurora in this room. They talked mostly and laughed. It wasn't the place where she learned the most about Aurora, but it was the place they got to know each other better without the constant thought of danger on the horizon or the worry about Phillip's fate looming over them. It was their safe place.
When Phillip returned he immediately placed a still very sleepy Leah in her mother's arms. The sight of Aurora with her young daughter was enough to melt Mulan's heart entirely. In all her life she never thought of herself having children, but she always knew Aurora would make a wonderful mother. Aurora's revelation about her pregnancy had broken her heart. Knowing Aurora would be so happy to be a mother though brought her solace. It was how she got through so many nights without her. Knowing that Aurora was happy was the only thing that kept Mulan's heart from shattering completely. She left for the sake of Aurora's happiness, even at the expense of her own so to see the look on her face when she looked at her daughter meant more to Mulan than anything in the world. She would take anything that would validate the most heartbreaking decision she had ever made. If walking away brought Aurora all the happiness it the world she would walk away a thousand more times. She could pick up the pieces of her own heart if she knew that Aurora's was whole.
Leah was obviously named after her grandmother, but looked so much like her mother. When Mulan looked in her eyes she could see Aurora's. When she watched the little girl giggle she could see her mother's smile. A thousand different memories flooded back into Mulan's mind, memories of time spent with Aurora. Leah's presence brought back the memories of the best times of Mulan's life, and that only made her heart ache a little bit more.
Perhaps it was a mistake to have come here, to have come home as Phillip and Aurora both put it. Everything about this place simultaneously made her smile and broke her heart again and again. Every step she took, every corner she turned, everything about being in Phillip and Aurora's home hurt. Maybe she did belong with Robin Hood and his merry men. They cared about her and even when she was lonely she could forget; they could make her forget. There were no memories of Aurora, no reminders of her love out in the woods. She could forget out there and maybe what she needed was to forget. She was okay when she forgot, not whole or content but okay when she didn't have to remember everything she loved about Aurora. She was okay when she wasn't near the woman she wanted so badly but could never have.
Mulan was jarred from her thoughts when she felt something wet on her cheek. It was the laughter of a child that brought her back to the present. Aurora had put Leah down in Mulan's lap and the tiny girl had given her a kiss. Mulan smiled back at the small child, tapping her lightly and affectionately on the nose. This is what she had come back for, to meet this little one. She owed it to Phillip and Aurora to at least meet their child once. This she couldn't regret. Leah was sweet and beautiful, just like her mother. Meeting her was worth experiencing a little bit more pain; it was worth remembering why she left in the first place.
As much as it hurt spending another day, another evening in the castle, it was also lovely. She recounted her adventures for Phillip and Aurora. As expected Phillip was both impressed and proud. Also as expected Aurora was both slightly horrified and incredibly worried. She insisted on checking all of Mulan's wounds, redressing them and making sure with her own eyes that they weren't infected. Having a nice meal wasn't too shabby either. She had always been used to camping out and eating next to the fire but it didn't stop her from enjoying something more. The rebuilt kitchen in the castle was lovely and certainly turned out a delicious feast. As she enjoyed spending time with old friends she could almost forget how much heartbreak lurked under the surface of their reunion.
When it was time to turn in for the night Mulan insisted that she was okay to get to bed alone. She could take care of herself; that much she had learned. Sure a rush of pain shot up her leg with every step, and her broken arm hindered her mobility but she wasn't dead. She could get into bed and rest all on her own. Truthfully she just needed some space. She had come back to see Aurora, but it still hurt to see Aurora. She needed to be on her own right now. Maybe if she wasn't face to face with Aurora it would hurt just a little bit less.
"Good night Mulan," Aurora called sweetly from the door way.
"Good night my love," Mulan whispered, so quiet that Aurora figured she had already fallen asleep.
Mulan wasn't the only woman who tossed and turned that night as she tried to fall asleep in the dark castle. Aurora's heart raced and she just couldn't turn her mind off. She went most days without thinking of Mulan but with her right here she couldn't stop thinking of her. She couldn't stop thinking of her dark skin, her eyes, and the way her voice was so warm and calming. She couldn't stop thinking of the way Mulan made her feel, even if she had spent every day for the last two years trying not to think that way. She couldn't think of Mulan because Phillip was a good man and he was her man.
She wasn't sure how late it was when she finally got up. She couldn't sleep and she couldn't just lay there any longer. The memories of Mulan ran through her mind like a play. Act after act, over and over. She had missed her for two years and here she was again. She thought things would go back to normal when Mulan left. She married Phillip, they had a child and things were fine, they were lovely in fact. Everything was perfect until she remembered what Mulan's smile looked like, or how her hair smelled. Everything was fine until reality hit her and then it wasn't.
She climbed out of bed, even in the moment still unsure about where she was headed. It's not as if the castle lacked rooms that Aurora could go to. It was a castle; it was huge and filled with spots to hide. Spaces to lose herself in, Aurora had found more than a few of those over the last two years. She needed one, whenever thoughts of Mulan did creep into her mind. She needed a place to breathe, a place to think and more often than she would care to admit a place to cry. She would never tell Phillip, she could never tell him how much it hurt to miss Mulan. He wouldn't understand, he couldn't understand. All he needed to know was that she was happy, most of the time. She was happy until she remembered how much happier she had been with Mulan in her life. She was happy with Phillip until she remembered who she really loved and longed for. She was happy enough, and that's all Phillip needed to know. She could never hurt him the way she was hurting.
Her chest rose up and down as she slept. It comforted Aurora just to watch Mulan breathe, to know that she was okay. She looked with longing over at the sleeping figure in the corner. She wasn't sure if she should take that step over the threshold. She couldn't stay here all night but she could stay long enough to feel better. Long enough to think about what could have been and sometimes thoughts of what could have been helped, even if they hurt too.
Aurora inched closer to Mulan as she slept. There was just enough room on the edge of the bed to sit comfortably without disturbing the other woman. Aurora took the opportunity to take a closer look at Mulan's face. It was so peaceful, so sweet. It brought back memories of their time searching for Phillip. She used to enjoy watching Mulan fall into her dreams. She always slept with a smile on her face. Little did she know that smile was always because of her; tonight included.
She couldn't resist the urge to brush her fingers gently through Mulan's dark hair. She hoped the woman was tired enough from her journey not to awake and she breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't stir.
"You will never know how much I have missed you Mulan. I could never tell you without telling you a thousand more things I feel for you."
Aurora wiped a tear from her own cheek before continuing. "I love Phillip you know, and Leah, more than anything. They are my family and he takes care of us, and loves us both. I love them but that has never stopped me from loving you." Aurora was careful to whisper, still not wanting to wake her beloved.
"Every day I wake up happy, and I spend most of my day happy until I think of you and I remember why I'm not as happy as I could be. I remember why I wish you were still with me. I remember why I loved the time we spent in the woods, searching for the person I thought was my true love. I remember how much I love you and I know that I could be happier if I was with you. Happier if I could kiss you and spend forever in your arms. I just wish things were less complicated and more than anything, I wish you felt the same. I wish you loved me enough to never have left me. Mostly though I wish I had the courage to tell you how I felt, how I still feel, before you left. I let you walk out of my life and there will never be a day that I don't regret that. You don't let your true love walk out of your life, except that I did."
As she finished speaking as quietly as she could manage she took a risk. A risk she never would have taken two years ago but a risk she knew she would regret if she didn't. Every day spent missing Mulan was a day she spent wishing she could do this, so she did. Aurora placed a gentle kiss on Mulan's head, pulling away quickly so as not to wake the sleeping warrior.
"I love you," the words fell from the princesses' lips like they were the easiest words to say in the world, despite being perhaps the hardest.
Aurora checked to ensure that Mulan was still asleep before exiting the room as quietly as she could. She had gotten so much off her chest, but her heart was still so heavy. She would never be able to say those words to Mulan, out loud when they were both awake. She could never make that confession of love the way she really wanted to. This would have to do for now as it was all she could muster.
As the door to the bedroom shut once again Mulan couldn't stop the tears from falling. Aurora had said everything she had ever wanted her to, she had confessed every feeling Mulan wished that Aurora felt. Aurora loved her back; she loved Mulan the way that Mulan loved her. As good as that felt, it hurt because she knew Aurora had never meant for her to hear. She couldn't expect to wake up and have Aurora in her arms like she so longed for. Even though Aurora feels the same she is still with Phillip and she still has a family with Phillip. Everything changed when Aurora said she loved her, and yet still nothing had changed. Knowing Aurora loves her is nothing compared to Aurora actually being with her.
Mulan let the tears fall into her pillow, using the fabric to muffle her sobs. She used to think nothing was worse than the idea that Aurora did not reciprocate her feelings. She thought nothing was worse than not being loved by Aurora. The truth is that nothing is worse than being loved by someone you can never be with. The truth is that loving and being loved by Aurora was the worst pain she had ever felt. If her heart didn't shatter the day she walked away from Aurora, it did the day she walked back into her life.
"I love you too you know." It was the only thing she could think to say, hoping that maybe if Aurora was still on the other side of that door she might hear her. It wouldn't change anything, and it wouldn't ease her heart ache but she would say it a thousand times, again and again and again.
"I love you Aurora."