The Lisatronic Misplacement Prologue J. Franklin
THE LISATRONIC MISPLACEMENT
PROLOGUE
Note: This story takes place shortly after "The Egg Salad Equivalency," S6 E12.
(SCENE: HOWARD's laboratory at Cal-Tech. HOWARD enters with LEONARD and moves quickly to the far end of the room.)
LEONARD: Don't you think you're over-reacting just a little bit to all of this?
HOWARD: You heard what Mrs. Davis said. One more violation and it's curtains for Howard Joel Wolowitz. (Turns to him) And since none of you guys have the same record for being misunderstood that I do, let's just say I'd rather just not take any chances…
LEONARD: (Following him) But she doesn't even know about the Lisatronic –
HOWARD: (Pulling open a drawer and removing various tools.) Yes, she does! Sheldon had to open that Texas-sized big mouth of his and now she and half the HR department probably have dartboards with a certain Jewish astronaut's picture on them because of it.
LEONARD: Okay, but don't you think this is just a bit over the top?
HOWARD: Hey, YOU want to try telling Bernadette's father you're out of a job and have to rely on her to pay the bills?
LEONARD: (Pauses) Okay, you're right. He is a scary dude.
HOWARD: (Moving to another drawer and searching for additional tools.) Besides, after the whole "spank bank" issue, let's just say I'm not exactly on thicker ice with Bernadette as it is, so getting caught with a six-breasted robot from my bachelor days probably wouldn't go over very well at home, either.
LEONARD: (Agreeing) True enough. She really freaked after the hooker discovery –
HOWARD: (Aghast) Sssshh! (Places hand over his mouth) They could be listening!
LEONARD: (Rolling eyes) Okay, enough with the paranoia! (Pauses) Actually, that reminds me, what was up with the six breasts, anyway?
HOWARD: (Stops) Because I wanted to see if I could double what the alien hooker had in "Total Recall."
LEONARD: (Thinks) Yeah, but that movie's over 20 years old by now – don't you think those things would be pointing south by now?
HOWARD: (Surprised at him) Not the ones on top… (He goes back to looking for more tools.)
Anyway, I'm just going to have to take poor Lisa apart and try again some other day to give her life…
LEONARD: Well spoken, Dr. Frankenstein.
HOWARD: (Stops) I just wish I could give her a nice home someplace, you know?
LEONARD: Well, hey, you mentioned the spank bank. Why not just give her to Koothrappali?
HOWARD: (Shaking his head) You saw what the porn collection did to him. He spent six weeks trying to convince us all he had was just carpal tunnel syndrome…
LEONARD: (Thinks) True. It was funny trying to make him pick things up for a while, though.
HOWARD: (Stops. Laughs with him.) Yeah. And Sheldon putting the Novocain in Kripke's Vaseline was a stroke of diabolical genius as well.
LEONARD: (Smiling) Yeah. Fun times, huh?
HOWARD: You said it. (Waits a beat) Well, time to take a woman apart! (Moves toward a large drawer in the back.)
LEONARD: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, why don't you just put her in a safe deposit box like you did with the porn collection?
HOWARD: (Fishing keys out of his pocket and shaking his head.) Uh-uh. I had to combine the comic books with the spank bank, and those alone meant I had to move to a bigger box. (Pauses) And since the bank teller mistook my asking her out and then telling her that (makes quotation marks with fingers) "I really want something with a bigger box," I'm kinda skittish about any more potential run-ins, you know? (Unlocks drawer and sighs.) Here we go! (Pulls open drawer and looks inside. Stops.) Uh-oh.
LEONARD: What do you mean, uh-oh?
HOWARD: (Opens drawer the rest of the way.) She's not here!
LEONARD: (Surprised) What?!
HOWARD: (Horrified) She's gone! Look!
LEONARD: (Looks inside) Uh-oh.
HOWARD: (Angry) Thanks for the comforting words. What are we going to do now?
LEONARD: We?!
HOWARD: Yes, WE! You guys helped with this!
LEONARD: I'd hardly call giving you a spare motherboard and some additional circuits "helping."
HOWARD: (Panicking) Okay, fine! What am I going to do?!
LEONARD: Well, calm down. Maybe somebody moved her –
HOWARD: Who?! Who would move Lisa?! No one even knows about her except you guys! Where could she be?!
(Cut to: RAJ's office. He has decked out his desk with a white tablecloth and candles and is sitting across from a realistic-looking female mannequin with blond hair wrapped in a barber's cloth. RAJ pours some wine for her.)
RAJ: It's so very nice to see you this evening, Lisa.
LISATRONIC: (In SIRI's voice) Thank. You. Rajesh. Please. Call. Me. Siri.
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