DISCLAIMER: No disrespect whatsoever meant to the D&D concept or Tolkien's wonderful world.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is an episode that was never actually played but is nevertheless very loyal to the major characters, from a game that started out as regular but became later somewhat adjusted D&D, set in sligthly modified Middle-Earth, in a time long before the events in the LOTR. The game's been going on for years, and the characters have grown up to be what they are in this, very powerful and somewhat weird. And though the streak presented here may seem more or less corrupted, it is NOT the whole picture, rather just a tongue-in-cheek play on one of the peculiarities of the leading lady.
AN ARROW ASTRAY
Dalar was exhausted. He lay on the rug where they had ended up this time, which was at least the seventh in a row according to his calculations, though by no means was he certain that he hadn't lost count at some point or another. Which in itself would be no great miracle, since after all their extravaganzas he found it now hard even to think straight. Rowenna was really overdoing herself this time. Indeed, this might finally prove to be the end of him, a destiny somehow fitting, no arguing that. Just deserts, someone might think, and think right.
He reached as casually as he could for his pants one more time. It was worth the try anyway. She at least seemed to be half asleep this time, at last, snuggled against his shoulder and looking very comfortable and relaxed.
"High time she should", he thought to himself, slightly amused. This was beginning to get more and more surreal every minute. Moving as gently and softly as he could, he extended his arm and got hold of the pants. The thought that he was indeed a poor, imprisoned mortal trying to sneak out of a dragon's lair struck him, not for the first time, but this time with true understanding that this was indeed a more than accurate description of his predicament. For a moment he considered stunning her with a spell, but this was tricky since he didn't know how exactly her 'Contingency' was formulated. Would it be set off by his spell? Her subconscious in her present state of mind might very well interpret his action to be 'hostile', setting it off. Consequences that would follow this he dared not even guess, so he decided against attempting anything of the sort. Let sleeping dragons lie, he thought, better not arouse their anger, or anything else for that matter.
He managed to wriggle free of her, very gently, using all the skills in his power to do so undetected, at least wishing that he had this time succeeded it without attracting her attention; and was now in the process of pulling on his trousers. That's when he heard her voice, soft, friendly and cheerful, lacking any signs of sleepiness or fatigue whatsoever.
"Going somewhere?"
He sighed heavily and turned to her.
"Have you no mercy, woman? It starts to seem that you seriously intend to kill me for real this time. I do have work to do as well, you know, and, as you may or may not know, even I have my limit. Even I'm not a machine, believe it or not."
"You aren't? Why is it then that I can get you going every single time just by pushing certain buttons? Let me show, I think you know which buttons, or rather, which lever it is I mean. Come on, it can't be that bad." Her voice was still cheerful, with a very distinct and familiar and very feminine silkiness in it, spiced with a homely smile and an innocent look in the grey eyes.
"Lords in heaven", he half laughed, half cried, "even my sins surely were not this awful?" He sighed again, this time genuinely seriously. "Look, I really, really, really have to go at last. Remember the bad guys in the dungeon and all that stuff? "
"Surely they can do without you for one day?"
"Without me one more day you mean? Come to that, I myself am by no means certain which day it is anymore."
During their conversation, she had casually sneaked closer to him, and was now gently playing with the buttons on his trousers, those he had just managed to do.
"Look, I think it might be high time you took a long cold shower; a very long and a very cold one, for that matter. I really must go now, and believe me, it is not a question of wanting or not wanting."
"One more kiss," she pleaded with mock innocence, "one for the road? A small one?"
He knew only too well the danger he was in. He shook his head and pulled away from her, finishing for the second time the buttoning of his pants. Her eyes narrowed a little, but her voice still remained friendly, though with a slight hint of growing menace creeping into it.
"You wouldn't want to make me angry, would you," she said, "you know what us dragons can be like when we get irritated."
"I just have to take my chances with it this time, I'm afraid. You can punish me later for my insolence. I'm sure you will, for that matter." He glimpsed at his shirt, which was lying on the floor, well out of his reach, and decided it safer to leave it there, and without further warning teleported himself away.
"Oh, you will be punished, you coward", she thought to herself, "just you wait!" Then she sighed, took a very deep breath, gathered her own clothes and teleported herself home.
She was soaking herself in a hot bath when Zorin phoned her through the ring, somewhat tentatively and cautiously.
"Home at last?" he asked her. "Dalar still with us, or did you finally manage to do away with him? It seemed you were doing a pretty good job at it anyway."
"The bastard fled. And I thought he was a man. Oh well, he'll pay for that. By the way, where are you?"
"Busy", he replied, in a-matter-of-fact tone. "And I'm very much afraid I can't make it home until very late today."
"Oh really? What a surprise. Some no-good husbands I have." This she muttered half to herself, but at last starting to cool down gradually. She sensed even herself that this time her mood had taken her worse than ever, not that it was all bad, but maybe it was finally a time to get a grasp of things, other than those of men's, for a change.
After the bath and a good meal, she however still felt somewhat restless. She decided it was time to get some fresh air and some exercise. It certainly couldn't do any harm in her present frame of mind.
"I think I'll take Ares out for a ride", she phoned Zorin, "it's long overdue anyway."
"An excellent idea, if you ask me," he replied, "whereabouts did you think? A tour round the island?"
"I thought I took to the Wood instead this time. Maybe it will cool me down a little."
"It should, at least. For what I know, the first snow has fallen already there, though it might have melted away as well. Still, it will be much colder out there, so take care you wear something warm. And you might want to leave poor Lothar alone at least this time, won't you? If even Dalar can't take it, you'll kill him for sure."
"Don't worry. I have no intention of killing poor Lothar, in that way or any other. So you may be right, maybe it's best I do leave him alone this time. But it is always possible though, that I'll be very disappointed if I don't find you at home when I return. Who knows what I come up with then, if the ride won't do the trick."
"Let's hope it does. Either way, I'll be home waiting for you, I promise. I may be guilty of a lot of things, but I wouldn't want to earn the title of a no-good husband. Whatever it takes", he smiled through the ring.
"I may well hold you to that", she smiled back.
"Be careful anyway", he added, now more seriously, and withdrew then from the connection.
The crisp and fresh autumn air did indeed sober her up at least to some extent. After all her rompings with Dalar, the quiet cool of the woods and the need to concentrate on riding helped her clear her head at least to some extent, and Ares contributed to this the best he could. He was sulking a bit, though she did her best to appease him, feeling all too guilty once again, not having had time to give the magnificent and dear animal the attention he deserved.
"Come now, my honeybun", she pleaded once and again, as the stallion took an unexpected wayward step and nearly threw her off her saddle. "Don't be such a bogey. You know I love you at least as much as the other men in my life." She stroked the horse's neck affectionately. He grunted and shrugged, but seemed to accept her apologies, nevertheless making a number of his wounded dignity, still now and then demonstrating by his moves that more than this was required in order to totally abolish all his feelings of neglect.
The ride was however a good one. Both enjoyed the rough tracks, perfect for airing frustrations, and she started little by little to feel more grounded and sensible. But so strongly had her mood affected her, that tranquility still remained out of her reach, even in the calmness and silence of the forest. Just to do something, she decided to take some practise in hunting.
She took out her crossbow and loaded it. Hunting with spells was one thing, and mostly no fun or not fair at all, considering how powerful hers were, unless genuinely necessary for survival, but hunting the traditional way was something she on some level was determined to learn as well, and this was as good a time as any. And even Dalar during their exercises - those of the more decent kind - had hinted that she should practise her archery skills as well in order to become seriously a versatile fighter. So she decided to try to hunt herself ingredients for supper, whatever she could catch with her crossbow.
After several futile attempts she was on the verge of giving up, but then she spotted a rabbit, sitting beside a large bush, not paying any particular attention to her or Ares. Deciding this was her chance, she raised her weapon and prepared to shoot. Yet this rabbit was clearly not meant for her supper, for as she was pulling the trigger, several things happened at once: A bird took to flight right in front of them, which startled Ares and made him move suddenly. This naturally startled her also, causing her to lose aim and launch the arrow far beyond the intended target. Still, it was apparent that it had indeed struck something, for a loud thud and a splash could be heard from somewhere the arrow had flown to.
She turned Ares towards the direction of the sounds, thinking she must have hit some other animal instead of the rabbit, and apparently a larger one. But when they had cleared the bushes in that direction, they were not met with a sight of a wounded animal, but that of a man. That man was trying to pull himself out of a muddy puddle, reaching out for his own crossbow, which lay on the ground beside him but beyond his reach, and she could see an arrow sticking out of his rear thigh.
While she was busy taking in all this, the man had already abandoned his attempts to get to the crossbow and drawn out his sword instead, turning to face her. The quickness of his reactions told her that he was without a doubt a well trained and experienced guy, but instead of paying too much attention to this, she simply remained still for a moment, not knowing what to do or say; this due to the fact that she recognised him, and in addition to this, saw that, as he turned to face her, the reaction was mutual. He was one of the Rangers of the North, a friend of Mithrim's, someone she had met once or twice in Rivendell, although his name escaped her memory. And now he was lying in a puddle of muddy water, with a sword in his hand and an arrow in his backside, prepared to face the unexpected enemy, only to find out that it was none other than Rowenna, the Duchess of Arduan.
"My horse bolted", she said, looking somewhat embarrassed, "I was aiming at a rabbit."
"I see", he said, struggling out of the puddle, shielding his sword. She slid down from horseback and went to offer him her help.
"I'm sorry", she said, grinning, still with a considerable degree of embarrassment, but also trying without too much success to keep her poker face, as the sight was also very hilarious as well as tragic. "You can be sure that this was not intentional." She helped the soaked man on drier ground, and turned him so that he was as comfortable as possible, with the arrow still in his behind.
"Let me see", she said, now turning to look at the offending article and the place it was sticking out of. "Doesn't look too bad, for all I can see now. I can only hope it isn't too painful", she continued, with a slight smile and a genuinely apologetic look on her face. "At least you had some luck, as I seem to have missed your ... vital parts, if you know what I mean, not that it probably is much of a consolidation to you at the moment. Luckily though, though I can't make it undone, at least I believe I can fix it, if you allow me."
He looked at her and laughed shortly, with a mixture of genuine amusement and a growing awareness of the absurdity of the situation.
"I have heard of you hunting men, particularly recently, but I must admit I had no idea that you do it, shall we say, this literally."
"With every method available, I can assure you", she replied with a smile. "Hold still, I'll pull this thing out. Or do you want me to stun you first? For I can well do that if you like, with the spell, you know."
"Interesting dilemma, I must say." The absurdity of the situation, with all its implications, was clearly taking over him. "And what exactly would you do to me and my rear end while I was unconscious?"
"Heal you of course, what do you think?"
"I'm not sure I know what to think, considering it's you in question."
"Little fun would that be, with you out of it. But your call: To stun or not to stun? I promise I won't take unholy advantage of you, if you choose to do this the less painful way, which I heartily recommend."
"Just pull out the damn thing. I'd do it myself if I could only reach it properly."
"As you wish."
He was clearly one of the hard-boiled type. He hardly flinched as she pulled out the arrow, luckily one with a straight tip, so no more damage was done by the action.
"There you go", she said, and threw the thing in the bushes. "And now for the wound. For that I need to see some more flesh, I'm afraid. Or, on a second thought, would you rather I took you straight to Rivendell?"
"That would be a riot, now wouldn't it? I have no doubt whatsoever that if you took me there with this story, I would forever after be remembered as 'The Man Who Was Hunted Down And Shot In The Arse By Rowenna'. You know what the elves are like there. Do you earnestly think I would have any peace there after that, not to mention dignity?"
"I'm afraid you may be right in that estimate, no kidding. Still, if I'm to treat that wound properly, you'll have to lose those trousers for a while anyway."
"I'm fine. It's no more than a flesh wound, and I can very well take care of it myself."
"Don't forget I'm a cleric. It won't take more than a moment, and you'll be as good as new before you know it. But I say, spell or no spell, this might not be the best place for it, with night coming on and all."
It was indeed starting to grow darker, and in addition to this, it had started to rain, more sleet than anything else. And the man's clothes were already drenched and muddy. Ranger or not, he had without a doubt a very miserable night ahead of him, out in the wilderness, whether she healed his wound there and then or not.
"Do you have a horse or more equipment somewhere?" she asked, her mind suddenly made up.
"My camp is in a glade, right behind that row of trees."
"You think you could find it?" she said to Zorin through the ring. She found him very well aware of what was going on, which was by no means nothing more than what she had expected, with something out of the ordinary like this happening.
"Just let me look a moment through your eyes so I can teleport there. Yes, I think I can manage that. And you are going, let me guess, to the tower?"
"Where else?"
"Where else indeed. I just hope you take at least some pity on the poor man. For goodness' sake, you just shot him in the arse, out of the blue. After this, no wonder if they say you are hunting men, with all implications of the word. Anyway, you owe him at least some common decency. I'll take care of your horses and his gear anyway, never fear."
With that, without bothering to consult the man he was with, she teleported them both to Zorin's old tower, more specifically to the spa underneath it.
The man blinked for a second, when she lit the lamps with her spell. Out of momentary total darkness light welled from all directions, illuminating the famous and luxurious bathroom. Lights glimmered on the natural hot pool and were reflected on the stony walls, decorated with some bizarre but stylish carvings à la Zorin.
"Where are we?" he asked, looking around him, trying to take in the sudden change of scenery.
"You know Zorin's old tower, near the Misty Mountains?"
"I have passed it once or twice, but never been inside. Or beneath it for that matter", he replied, eyeing the place with curiosity for a short moment, then turning again to her.
"What about my horse?" he said. "And yours, for that matter, or whatever you call the thing you were riding?"
"I call him Ares", she said with a broad smile, "and also my honeybun and my little darling. So you noticed him? Isn't he wonderful?"
"How could I not? He's something all right, no doubt about that. I'm just not quite sure what that something is. But anyway, about my horse and your ... little darling. We can't ery well leave them there alone, now, can we? I heard wolves all too near that place only last night."
"Zorin will take care of them, the horses and your equipment I mean, no need to worry about that. But come to think of it, he can take care of the wolves too if you like. Would you? I owe you at least that much. Shall I tell him to get rid of them? No big deal for him at all, as you can imagine. He'd be more than happy to, I'm sure."
"By no means! I certainly want no part in an atrocity of that kind, sending the Archmage upon innocent woodland creatures, with no reason whatsoever! That'd be like nuking a fly if you ask me. No, tell him to leave the poor animals alone!" Saying this, he was watching her, now with a growing degree of curiosity. "Weird to think that you are talking to him as well as to me, even now," he continued, "though it doesn't surprise me one little bit. It's your wedding rings or something like that, or so I've heard."
"Something very much like that", she replied with a smile.
"I have heard of you and this place as well," he said, and looked around him again, now openly curious, and added with a hint of amusement, "and what you use it for."
She smiled back at him radiantly. "Welcome to my lair", she said, "or at least one of them. And now, for starters, let's get you out of those trousers and take care of that arse of yours."
"I wonder if you welcome with those precise words all the men you bring here", he muttered, half to himself, with a somewhat slanted smile.
"Believe it or not, you're actually the first one", she smiled back, starting without further ado to help the pants off him. "But come to think of it, it does have a nice ring to it though."
This time he had no objections. He let her take the lead and did what needed to be done, with her assistance bared his backside so she could perform her spell as well as possible. The wound, which in itself was not too bad, had nevertheless bled a lot and appeared quite painful; and an air of relief was apparent on his face when she had finished and the wound had disappeared.
"Better, I hope?"
"Very much so, thank you. So, the hands of the Duchess are also the hands of a healer, besides everything else they are famously good at."
"Come to that, you clearly know who I am, but once again I must shrink with embarrassment. I know we have met and been introduced before this, but try as I may, remembering your name seems to be beyond me right now, no matter how hard I try."
"Bargoth, at your service, milady."
"I might want to watch my words if I were you. I might be tempted to hold you to that, you see. But seriously, I'm without any doubt right now more pleased to make your acquaintance than you are of making mine, of that I'm sure", she replied, realising that she was probably telling the truth.
He seemed definitely a nice man, clearly quick-witted and pleasant company. He had taken his unexpected unfortune very well and with good humour, considering the circumstances. And if all this wasn't enough, he also was quite a sight for her sore eyes: a man maybe in his mid-fourties, tallish, lean and muscular, with thick brown hair tied back in a ponytail. His face, though now muddy and still slightly pale, was handsome in a rugged outdoorsy way, with a manly stubble. Suddenly her fever began to rise again.
"I promise you I'll never forget your name again", she continued, after a short moment, during which she realised she had been staring at him, taking in his appearance. "How could I, after being so unforgettably and ... intimately introduced?" She couldn't help herself. Her gaze had stopped at his groin, as he was struggling to pull back on the somewhat tight, now also muddy, blood-stained and torn pants. She definitely liked what she saw there, and was unable to stop herself from raising her eyebrows slightly and smiling approvingly.
He at last managed to pull the pants all the way up, and turned away to finish doing them, but too late. He had had plenty of time to notice where her eyes had made the stop, and more than enough time to notice her expression and blush thoroughly.
"Well then, I believe I should be on my way again", he said, turning to face her again, this time more composed and in control. "My arse is fine now, thanks to you, and I can assure you I have no hard feelings of that little accident of yours. Such things happen. But I'd appreciate if you gave me a lift back to where we came from, since I seem to have diverted from my original path somewhat."
"I'll give you a lift anywhere your wish, don't worry about that. But not before I have a chance to repay you all the damage I have done, starting with those clothes of yours. Don't be offended, but you are something of a sorry sight in your present state."
"This is nothing. I carry some spare clothes in my pack. Anyway, I'm sure my horse won't mind."
"Still, it won't do at all", she said, shaking her head disapprovingly. "Some healer I would be if I sent you back to that cold, wet, dark wood in that state. You're not going anywhere until you at least have taken a good bath and some wine and food, to warm you up properly. Now, let's get you out of those wet rags. I promise we'll find something more decent for you to wear after. It's the least I can do. After all, I'm the one responsible for the miserable state you're in."
"Why not then?" he shrugged, after a short pause, looking at the pool. "Can't deny that looks tempting, and as you said, I might do with some refreshing. But after that I must take my leave, I was after all going somewhere."
"Hardly tonight anyway, I'm sure. In any case, we'll get you there, no need to be concerned about that. Now, off with your clothes. And don't worry, I've seen it all already. For that matter, I can tell you, with my profound experience, that you have no reason whatsoever to be embarrassed about anything." The last sentence was said very lightly, but it still managed to make him blush again.
"I go and fetch us some wine and leave you to it for a moment", she said then, to his apparent relief, "and as you can see, this place is a genuine high-class beauty product shop, with probably every single expensive soap and lotion there is on the market. Take your pick and enjoy! Zorin may be crazy, but I can assure you this is one thing he's got right, on the dot."
She left him and went upstairs, only to find out that Zorin had already arranged everything, the food, the wine, the fires and the candlelight, and also a new set of clothes for the man. She laughed shortly at this for a moment, once again. Some husband she had indeed!
"The one thing I got right?", Zorin phoned her, with mock sulking. "And all the rest, it just doesn't do?"
"I'd throw something at you if you didn't lurk in the shadows as usual", she muttered, picking up the tray he had prepared for them, but put it down again as he materialized into the room.
"One word of caution, my darling, before you let yourself go once again", he said, smiling to his wife but with an air of seriousness.
"Don't worry, I have no intention of killing him either", she replied, "if that's what you mean."
"Glad to hear, but that was not what I had in mind this time."
"What then?"
"Well, I suppose you don't know too much about him, now do you? For instance, has it occurred to you that he might be very happily married, with thirteen children and a very loving and a very jealous wife? The men you have, well, hunted so far, were all free and single, not counting Gilgamesh or Zoriak of course, but they don't count."
"Is he?" she asked, realizing that this had indeed not crossed her mind, this being the first time she had almost let her mood take control with a virtual stranger. "Married with thirteen children and a jealous wife? – If he is, no wonder I found him roaming in those god-forsaken woods alone!"
"I don't know, at this point. Even I haven't had enough time to run a thorough background check on him, with all this happening say, within the last fifteen minutes."
"Oh well, then I must find out for myself, it's as simple as that." She picked up the tray again and went back downstairs.
She found Bargoth enjoying the pool, soaking his muscles with obvious pleasure in the warm water, appearing much more relaxed already.
"You were right", he said to her when he noticed her return, "this is as close to perfect as it gets. To tell the truth, it's been weeks since a decent bath for me anyway, and this, I must say, is far beyond decent."
"It is, isn't it? I told you. Now, come have some wine", she said, bringing the tray by the pool. He swam to her, and took the glass she offered, laughing shortly, which made her raise her eyebrows slightly.
"It's only that Mithrim has told how you caught Zorin here in the first place, all those years ago. I just now remembered the story", he said. "It was right here, wasn't it?" She smiled at this somewhat. That story seemed to have made an impact on men, at least it most definitely seemed to tickle the imagination of every single one of those whom she offered wine here. Every man's fantasy or something like that, no doubt, she thought, slightly amused and also slightly nostalgic.
"It's perfectly safe, I can assure you", she assured him, amused, and watched him then take a long sip from his glass.
She couldn't help it, she liked far too much what she saw, once again looking at him. For a moment she turned away, pretending that she was filling up her own glass, but instead she made the spell, 'Reveal All'. Unfortunately, it revealed just what she had wanted to see: No jealous wives, no children, not even a serious lady friend. And also more than little curiosity and attraction towards herself as well.
"Hope you don't mind if I join you", she said, standing up and, without a hint of scruples, starting to take off her own clothes, "I could use a bath myself as well."
She gave him a moment to take the sight in in full, meeting his eyes with hers, then took a dive and swam next to him, pulling quite close. Skin touching skin, she whispered then into his ear: "Don't worry: I won't tie you up and throw you into the dungeon. That is, if that's not your thing. Though it is indeed one of the famous attractions of this place and does come heartily recommended..."
He shut her up with a wet and forceful kiss, that of a man who was more than ready.
And oh yes, eventually he did end up appreciating the dungeon. A lot.