PLEASE GIVE ME FEED BACK!!! I live on it! :D

I don't know where this came from but... ermh... yeah.

It's NOT beta-read since both my beta readers are mia and loa atm.
(if you wanna be my new beta, please poke me!)

Character Death, love making and yaoi will occur! so if you want to read this, bring out the tissues for more than one reason! ;)

This is a Iruka x Kakashi short story. The characters don't belong to me, but to Masashi Kishimoto. This is not something I get money from but only loving to make up stories about his characters in the Manga/Anime series of Naruto and Naruto Shippuuden.

IRUKA'S LOST CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
One shot

Iruka sat in the window watching the children play in the snow outside, it was already dark even though it was still quite early in the afternoon. He had taken the day off after Tsunade convinced him to do so. This time of year he always dove into too much work anyway even though he knew he shouldn't and this time, Tsunade refused to let him do that in order to escape his feelings. He kept twiddling a small vial in his pants' pocket while watching the children.

"The joy in being a child… do you remember… Kakashi? The world was so easy to live in then, so bright and free."

The figure behind him smiled while Iruka lit a candle in the window like he always did this time of year since five years back now; the day before Christmas eve. The trees outside were lit with hundreds of lights swirling around them in the branches to light them up like the stars on the night sky. Snowmen were built and carrots put in place along with scarves and hats in various forms and every window glimmered with different kinds of Christmas decorations but yet, Iruka couldn't quite feel the joy of the season despite the tree he'd helped decorate in the main square and despite how many Christmas carols he'd heard during the last week.

Iruka smiled and kept a straight face to the children at school during their last week before the holidays of course, kept smiling as if nothing was wrong at all when he was out in the public but it was easy to put on a mask of perfection when you broke a little more inside each passing year.

Soft hands touched his shoulders and made him close his eyes with a light sigh, those hands, always so welcoming and warm and made him feel safe to feel them. Uncovered lips kissed his cheek and neck and just by that, Iruka could see the perfect face behind the mask that usually covered Kakashi's face in the public even though he wasn't looking at the man. He always said he felt uneasy out in the open since he knew he looked so much like his father that every comment about it only reminded him of his father's treason and suicide when he was a young child. Kakashi had cut himself off from feelings at the age of twelve and since then he had kept the mask of not caring. That was… until Iruka came into his life. The teacher could remember several occasions when Kakashi had told him that he had made a difference in his life, which Iruka had made him feel again.

"Make me feel again… Kakashi, please…"

The soft lips came back to his neck again and Iruka closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling, leaning back into the jounin's warm body while being kissed so softly, tenderly and loving. Their lips met and instantly, they opened up for a more intense play of emotion through a deep kiss. Kakashi leaned down while they kissed and picked Iruka up and carried him to the bedroom and placed him on the bed then looked up at his lover with that perfect face, gently smiling and with that one gray eye watching Iruka's every move and breath while the other remained closed.

Kakashi slowly undressed Iruka, his lover since many years back. He unbuttoned the teacher's shirt one button at a time and made sure he touched his golden brown skin while he did so. Iruka just watched that beautiful gray eye that was filled with love only for him while his clothes fell off one by one.

It didn't take too long for both of them to be naked; Kakashi was so beautiful with his pale skin and well trained body. Every single curve of muscle of him was an art form and even more so, his face. Those hands that had killed so many people during his job as an ANBU ninja, softly ran over Iruka's tanned skin and made the man on his back shiver by the light touch. Kakashi moved closer and kissed the golden brown stomach and up towards Iruka's neck where he gently nibbled the skin there. The teacher once again shivered and let out a trembling sigh. Kakashi always had this kind of power over him, no matter what the copy ninja did; he always made his lover turn into mush in his hands, a needing moaning pile of mush.

"Kakashi…"

He whispered with need in his breath while the other man moved lower again, licking a trail down on his chest and belly and blew on it to increase the sensitivity of the skin along with nipping it here and there to make his lover moan softly in the air. Pale hands touched Iruka's inner thighs and he willingly spread his legs to allow more room for his lover to move in.

Hands traced his skin, kissed and taunted him but without touching his full bloomed erection that yearned for attention but Iruka knew he had to be patient. Kakashi never really did anything unless he really heard his lover beg for it or only if he was patient enough he would get it anyway. They had been lovers for so many years now but never gotten married. They had however come to the deal that they had moved in together which was the best thing the two had ever done. That had meant they could be together more often and not plan ahead whenever someone worked or had the day off, at the same time, Kakashi had been living in Iruka's apartment practically over a year and a half before they decided to move into a bigger place for real.

Iruka moaned when he finally felt the soft tongue of Kakashi move over his swollen head just before he took him into his mouth. His tanned hands moved down to gently grip that silvery hair of the copy ninja and moved with him as he moved up and down Iruka's shaft with an unbelievable skill of tongue. Iruka moaned again and turned his head to the side and spread his legs a bit more and allowed himself to completely give in to whatever Kakashi had in store for him.

He heard a cap open and it didn't take long before he felt a finger rubbing his puckered hole but without entering just yet, all while the sucking and licking continued on his hard shaft along with teasing of his balls. The teacher reached his arms up and gripped the pillow he rested his head on and turned his head yet again and arched his back a bit, enjoying the feeling that grew inside of him.

Slowly, the finger moved inside but by every clench of Iruka's muscles it waited and when he relaxed it moved in a bit further until it came to that special spot inside of him. Kakashi moved his finger over that wonderful spot and caused Iruka to moan out loud and grip the pillow tightly and buck his hips in reply.

" 'Kashi..!"

The teacher moaned but the teasing continued and soon one finger became two which worked together to scissor him and make him relax his entrance muscles enough for a third finger as well. Iruka moved with Kakashi's movements, enjoying the soft torment that wasn't enough to make him come, but it was very much enough to make him feel a pleasure that heated his entire being up from the inside and out. It made his heart flutter and his breathing deepen and his throat moan for more than just tongue and hands.

The fingers moved in and out of him and occasionally brushed that spot of pleasure, the prostate was indeed a wonderful thing even if it was placed in such an intimate place. Kakashi smiled and licked some pre-come from Iruka's shaft before he moved his fingers out of him and yet again, the cap lid was heard opening before Kakashi moved over his lover's form and looked him deeply in the eyes with a smile that said he was going to take him with all the love he was worth and more.

Kakashi lowered down and placed his own erection by Iruka's entrance and slowly moved inside much like he had done with his fingers. As soon as Iruka clenched, he stopped then continued when he relaxed again and soon he was inside him completely.

"Nnh.. 'Kashi…!"

Iruka murmured, still gripping the pillow with his hands while looking into his lover's right gray eye, the sharingan one still being closed since Kakashi knew his lover wasn't too keen on seeing that eye in the bedroom since it made him feel watched and not in a good way.

Once Iruka had relaxed enough and gotten used to Kakashi's size, the copy ninja began to slowly move out of him and didn't thrust until only his head was still inside, then he moved in again and filled Iruka to the limit of what Kakashi could give him and in turn earning another heated moan from his lover.

Kakashi leaned down and kissed those beautiful lips then moved to kiss the scar over Iruka's nose from cheek to cheek and over the bridge of the nose; the scar he had gotten as a child when his parents had died , fighting to stop the nine tailed beast sixteen years ago. Kakashi kissed Iruka's eyes one by one then moved down to kiss his cheeks and neck again while he kept a soft rhythm of thrusting into his lover's quivering entrance.

Iruka wrapped his arms around his lover's broad shoulders and pulled him closer so their bellies touched and they could feel each breath of each other just by being so near each other. Iruka breathed into Kakashi's ear whispering soft words to him while nibbling his earlobe.

"I love you Kakashi, be with me, always…"

The copy nin just smiled and kissed Iruka's lips tenderly and thrusted deeper into his lover, causing a hitched breath and a moan to escape the teacher's lips while he moved his legs up to wrap around Kakashi's waist for easier access of thrusting and allowance of deeper penetration and more pleasure for both of them.

Heated breathings from both of them and a thin layer of sweat made their lovemaking glisten in the night much like the stars outside and with the blessing of the full moon which shone over the land of Fire and over the hidden village of Konoha. There were just them, only them in the entire world just as it had felt the day they kissed for the first time.

Iruka had showed up at Kakashi's place at Valentine's day with a rose since they had been seeing each other for a few months, he decided to take the next step. Kakashi had of course been so surprised by the rose but he wasn't prepared for what Iruka had planned next. He had just told him that he had something else to deliver and asked Kakashi to lean down a bit because he had to whisper it. Kakashi had done so of course and had ended up with a soft kiss on the lips and the reply was a very stunned look and a very pretty blush on those pale cheeks of his. That had also been the first night they had spent sleeping with each other, they had only slept that night they hadn't done anything else but talk and cuddle and some sleep even though they just spent the night mostly in each other's arms, it had been the best night they could ever remember – even Kakashi had said so.

It had taken Iruka another ten months to really get close to Kakashi and to get through all the walls that the copy ninja had built around him since his team mates Oibito and Rin died during a mission which Kakashi blamed himself for failing. He kept beating himself up as well, every day he went to their memorial stone and every day he was late to everything he did because he kept thinking of the past.

Iruka was the one who pulled him back to the now and had allowed him to live a bit more and to actually see the passion in life as well as awaken some of his compassion as well. That's at least what Iruka believed himself and Kakashi had never denied it either.

The thrusting deepened and became quicker just as their breathing did, Iruka inhaled with long hitched breathes and moaned with almost every exhale when his prostate was hit more than once on occasion by the skill of the copy ninja's thrusts. The teacher rocked with his lover and moved with the movements which caused them both to moan and tense while the warm pressure built in both of them more and more.

"K..Ka..kashi!..."

Iruka moaned just as the silvery haired ninja placed his hand over Iruka's shaft and began to stroke him in rhythm of his own thrusts into him. The teacher moaned and turned his head to the side again and arched his back, feeling his balls moving higher and higher by the building pleasure. The deep groan that released in Iruka's ear was far than enough to send him over the edge and so it did. With one last hitched moan he lost his breath and tensed all around Kakashi as he came between their bellies and in Kakashi's hand over and over again in a silent scream while pulsating in his lover's hand while spraying them both with semen.

Kakashi released himself inside of his lover and leaned down and kissed his beloved Iruka tenderly and turned Iruka's head so he would look into his eye which shone with love and tenderness. They spoke something without the mouth saying a single word; his eyes said he loved his Iruka far more than words could ever say even if he would try to find the words.

"I love you… Kakashi, always"

Iruka closed his eyes for a moment then, blinked and looked up again, watching the empty streets of Konoha where the children had built snow forts and were having a great time while throwing snowballs at each other. He himself couldn't hold his tears back any longer and just let them free. He would never have children, never adopt the one child who was going to be his and Kakashi's own bundle of joy… he would never hold his lover again, nor feel the love he once had from that man's heart.

No, Iruka was alone now and he had been for the last five years.

"Isn't it stupid… I still mourn you but I can't go on, I can't not love you… Kakashi… you were my only one… I asked you to be with me, always. Yet here I am unable to move on… Shall I come to you? "

Iruka closed his eyes slowly and allowed more tears to spill free while he turned around to look at the empty apartment that still held most of Kakash's things since they moved in together. Iruka was wearing one of Kakashi's shirts over his shoulders in an attempt to feel a bit closer to him even though it just felt hopeless, it just didn't feel the same without the body heat of a lover or the soft whispered words of love in your ear.

Five years ago there had been an attack the day before Christmas eve and Kakashi had been the one on duty but he had met his match and didn't make it after a long battle that had resulted in the continued peace in Konoha. He died in the battlefield and at the same time that happened, Kakashi had appeared in class where Iruka was teaching and had looked directly at his lover only to say one thing.

"Always"

And then he disappeared again. At that instant, Iruka knew something was wrong, he could even feel his own heart shatter and die and so, it had. A wound that could never be mended or healed, feelings that could never awoken again and love never to be returned like it once had. That day, the class had been dismissed early.

Iruka looked down at the candle in the window, the candle he had lit every year the day before Christmas eve to honor Kakashi and what they had shared for so many years together and a small wish for solitude and peace at heart; a wish that never came true.

Iruka had been abandoned by the only person he had ever loved whole heartedly and now, he just waited for his own time to come so they could meet once again. Perhaps next year he would do it, perhaps this one, he wasn't sure but the vial was always with him and on his person.

"Perhaps I shall come to you now… Kakashi, do you miss me?"

The shadow behind him just watched him while the Teacher watched the vial in his hand with the purple liquid in. A small vial that wasn't bigger than his palm but a vial he had gone through a lot to get hold of since three years back now.

"Yes… perhaps this year, I will visit you…"

And so, he unscrewed the cap and put the vial to his lips and drank the liquid with only a moment's hesitation. This year, he would come to his lover, this year, he would be happy again. This year, he would feel the warm embrace of his Kakashi again and just as sleep took him, Iruka smiled from the heart for the first time in five years.