When We've Said Goodbye
Title : When We've Said Goodbye
Genre : Angst/Friendship
Pairing : None. Uhm… but there might be slight 39 if you squint.
Disclaimer: If I own Saiyuki I won't be making this fanfic for sure.
Summary: "When we've said goodbye, I alone remain in my solitude." Sanzo's reaction upon Goku's departure. Second part of songfic trilogy but can be read alone. The song is Selepas Kau Pergi by La Luna. Credit goes to LonesomeGurlAngelOfDeath for translating the song into English.
The room was uncommonly tidy. The blanket was neatly folded and placed on the bed which seemingly hadn't been slept onto.
Sanzo took slow steps into the room, noticing that the floor had been swept until there's no a single dust left. There's no slightest trace of anyone ever occupying the room. Strangely enough, this clean room rendered him nothing but emptiness.
When we've said goodbye
Stepping closer to the neat bed, his sharp violet eyes caught sight of a folded paper placed on the pillow. He picked it up and unfolded it, revealing a note written in a very familiar messy scrawl.
To Sanzo, Gojyo, and Hakkai.
I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye or anything. But I really gotta go. I'll only cause you guys danger if I stay. I don't wanna lose you guys. You don't have any idea how I'm afraid of hurting you guys. Not anymore. That's why, I gotta leave. Please, never look for me. It has been enough trouble for me to even make this decision. I'm really sorry. I didn't get to thank you guys enough for looking after me these past few years. To Hakkai, thanks for always been kind to me. To Gojyo, though you always pick fights with me but I know you care. And also…
I alone remain in my solitude
Sanzo just stared at the paper in his hand, feeling numb. Of all things, this was what he never expected. His eyes scanned the paper once again, unwilling to accept the truth. No matter how many times he read, its contents never changed.
…to Sanzo, I just want you to know that I care very much for you. No matter how many times you hit me or yell at me, please know that my feelings will never change. Guess you'll be happy with no bakasaru bothering you anymore. Thank you for taking care of me for years. Thank you, for everything.
Goodbye, my dear friends…
Always love you guys,
Son Goku
Sanzo just stood as the words sinking into his mind. He had had a feeling that someday, this day would come. Yet, he never fully prepared for it. Not like this. But now… it had happened, and he could do nothing.
Deep inside I feel, a piece of me has departed
"Sanzo," Hakkai's calm voice interrupted Sanzo's trail of thoughts.
"Gojyo and I are going to look for Goku. He had gone missing for hours. Do you think you can guard the inn for us?"
Sanzo gave no reply, letting the curious healer to enter the room.
"Sanzo, are you listening? We are…" Hakkai stopped as he noticed the monk froze near the bed, gripping a piece of paper tightly.
"What is that, Sanzo?"
Within your heart, I believe you never wished to be apart from me
"Goku left…?" Hakkai whispered in disbelief, unable to take his eyes off the paper their youngest companion left behind. Gojyo peeked from behind his shoulder, and his easygoing features changed into one of rage at an instant. Sanzo didn't say a word.
"What the fuck possessed that bakasaru?!" Gojyo growled, mussing his hair furiously. "I'm so fucking sure that it must be that fucking kami who fucked the fucking saru's head with fucking stuff!" His crimson eyes blazed with a mixture of rage and regret.
"I'm sure that Goku has his reason." Hakkai spoke softly, folding the paper softly and handing it back to the silent monk.
"Sanzo, what are we going to do?"
Can you not see the pain I feel now
"Sanzo?" Hakkai repeated, concern coloring his voice as he sensed no response from said monk.
"Oi, bouzu! Hakkai's speaking to you! Quit brooding over your saru and…"
"Ssh, Gojyo!" Hakkai warned, placing his assuring hand on Gojyo's shoulder. The red head was about to retort but Hakkai shook his head warningly, effectively silencing his furious companion. Sighing in defeat, Gojyo slowly relaxed.
"Alright, alright. I'll shut up and listen to thy holy monk's saying…"
"Leave him." Sanzo suddenly snapped, his eyes cold and unfeeling, yet his face could be seen showing an unreadable emotion. What was that… resistance? Regret?
Both Gojyo and Hakkai couldn't hide their surprise. "What?"
I wish, I yearn to loathe you. I care far too much for you
"What do you mean by that, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked quietly but dangerously. "You're not seriously thinking of leaving Goku, are you?"
"He's the one who left us." Sanzo replied solemnly, eyes closed for some reason. "If that is what he wants, let him do as he pleases."
"We know it wasn't the saru's will!" Gojyo ranted, looked almost blown up. "I'm sure he got fucked up by that fucking kami! Probably he's blackmailed, or threatened, or…"
"There's no certainty. The reality now, he's left us. Just forget him." Sanzo spoke coldly.
Silence fell within the room.
Forget me in your dreams, who once shared your days
"We're going to look for him anyway." Hakkai spoke, breaking the chill within the room. "Sanzo, you may stay here. Just in case… Goku would come back."
Sanzo gave no respond as he kept his gaze out to the window.
Sighing, Hakkai nudged Gojyo to follow him out to the room, closing the door gently behind him. Once they were out from the inn, he took a sad glance at the figure by the window before continuing his walk.
I think I've known all along…
The sun slid down slowly but steady. Gojyo and Hakkai had come back, empty handed as expected. They had asked everybody they could set their eyes onto, but none of them seemed to know where a certain golden-eyed brunette was missing.
Sanzo said nothing as Hakkai reported their failure to him. In fact, he had been silent this whole day. Just smoking and stared off the space, like he usually be when it rained. Only, it wasn't raining now.
"We've done our best, Sanzo." Hakkai whispered, knowing it would do nothing for the monk. "We're sorry."
I should've realized that…
Hakkai closed the door with a soft sound, leaving Sanzo once again all alone. As silence fell on him, Sanzo couldn't help trail of memories that were forcing their way to him frozen mind. The remembrance of Goku bringing his hand to reach up to him, saying that he was the 'sun'.
Never once did he reply, never once he admitted that he cared about the boy, after all those years they spent together. Never once did he confess that Goku, who had brought smile and laughter to his cold life, was actually his 'sun'.
Now, the light had gone away from his life.
You aren't meant for me…
Closing his eyes, Sanzo finally let his feelings get better of him. His chest throbbed, and he brought his hand to his forehead to conceal his features twisted in regret. But no matter how he tried, he still couldn't ease the feeling of loneliness.
The boy had chosen to leave. Sanzo had always taught him to make and believe at his own decision. No matter how painful it is. Now, it seemed that he also had to make his.
"Goodbye, Goku…"
-OWARI
Now before you guys skin me alive, please do care to leave some comments, ok? The third part will be coming anytime, so stay tuned!
Kiku