September 28, 2018
It's been months since I've last seen you and you still seem to have a small spot in the back of my mind. You don't deserve to be there, but just like a bad seed, there you are. I can be going along just great throughout my day and out of nowhere, an image of you clusters my thoughts. It could be your crooked smile, your stare, your laugh, or even just a small vivid memory. I even remember the bad days like the one where I threatened to jump out of the vehicle because our screaming at each other had reached a point where I began to see red. I'll admit, your waves of your issues sent me on turmoil of happiness and exhaustion, but like an addict, I was always ready for more. I was willing to burn my candle at both ends for you, but you had reached a point where you wanted greener pastures than what I could offer you. When you decided to step on my porch to come inside my home, our home, to grab your belongings, you already had a speech planned out that I knew you practiced and rolled repeatedly in your mind on the drive over. I wasn't stupid. I knew what was happening weeks before; I saw the progression of arguments becoming worse and less reasonable once SHE started coming around. I would watch your eyes wander whenever she came around to the club. Your phone would start becoming more secretive, you began withdrawing from seeing me on my days off, and just like that, information from people we knew began to flood and I eventually lost my shit. I'll never forget when you called me, telling me I was turning crazy and that you weren't sure if you wanted to be with me anymore. I screamed at the top of my lungs to break up with me to my face and within an hour, there you were, breaking it off and breaking my heart all in one moment. I tried not to cry, but I did and you mocked me for it, stating now I was going to start crying as you were leaving.
The sad thing is, is that if you showed up on my doorstep, I'd be willing to come back for more. I know I shouldn't and I know so many people would disagree with my decision, but you are all I want. The rollercoaster ride you offered me is my favorite one and I'm just the fool who keeps getting back in line and jumping for the front seat.
My eyes scanned over what I just wrote. It had been a long time since I had written anything down about him, or my feelings rather, but the memories were just getting worse and worse. I knew it'd subside for about a week or so, and then I would put myself through the same bullshit again. I hated that some person could have me so wrapped up in them that I could give them multiple chances they didn't deserve.
I closed my notebook and set it on the coffee table in front of me, delicately grabbing my glass filled with red, sweet wine. I took a small sip and those god damned blue-green eyes flashed in the back of my mind.
I hated the shit out of Jax Teller but I still loved the ever living shit out of him.