Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
JJ woke up alone that morning, just as she did every other morning. She sighed, sat up, and ran her hands through her long blonde hair. Something felt off in the pit of her stomach, but she couldn't figure out what it was. Ignoring her instincts, something she should've learned by now to never do, she hopped in the shower and meticulously combed through her morning routine. A quick breakfast and an hour later, she had arrived at Quantico, hoping that work would get rid of the uneasy feeling settling in her stomach. She stepped off of the elevator and stopped to reflect on her career choice. This wasn't a job that most people would feel comfortable with. Her life was in danger whenever she went out with the team, and she saw the things that most people only had nightmares about. She smiled as she looked through the glass at the bullpen, three desks in particular.
They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
All of her girlfriends from high school had settled down. Leah had a daughter and Jessica had two sons and was married. But JJ didn't need a domestic lifestyle. She liked the fast pace of her job, the feeling of satisfaction when yet another killer was behind bars. Besides, she had a family.
Aaron was the protective father. He watched after them all, particularly her, not hesitating to take a bullet or stare down a killer for any of them. Derek was her fun loving brother. He protected her, and she confided in him, but he was also the one who put pink dye in her hair the ONE TIME they had to share a hotel room on a case. Rossi was an uncle. He had the advice she craved, whether she listened to it or not, and he was more frequently showing a soft side and a sharp sense of humar that warmed her heart and made her laugh. Emily and Penelope were her sisters. They were always meddling and getting involved in things that were more personal than JJ liked to admit, but they were always there, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold her, and, when necessary, fists to punish those who hurt her. And Spencer. It was so hard for JJ to think of Spencer as family because the feelings that thrummed through her when she saw him were far from appropriate for family.
Her palms would sweat and her pulse would speed up. The usual butterflies in her stomach would turn into cylcones. Her smiles went into overdrive and it was nearly impossible for her to concentrate. Derek had confronted her about it (profilers..) after their first and, sadly, only date and she had admitted to feeling something more than friendship for him. He teased her subtly, but never spoke of her secret to anyone. He even let her know that her feelings were returned. She remained in the dark though, too scared to take the jump and, before she knew it, too much time had passed. And so she settled for simply watching him, admiring his perspective and his genius from afar. She lived for their quiet conversations and his warm smiles. His concern for her did not go unnoticed; it only made her love him more.
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind
This is why she knew something was wrong the second she stepped through the glass doors of the F.B.I building. Her routine glance around the bullpen only confirmed her unease. Spencer's desk was empty. He was always here before her. She took a deep breath and began the walk up the ramp to her office when Derek walked out of Penelope's lair and bumped into her.
"Derek, I know I'm fully clothed right now, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to ignore me," she teased lightly.
"Jennifer," he murmured quietly, stopping her chuckle. Her eyes locked on his haggard face as she took in his red eyes and raspy voice. She felt his hand grab hers and hold it, palm up. She was about to open her mouth to question him when a 'Breaking News' report flashed on the television behind him, showing a street she knew all to well.
"…a drunk driver. F.B.I Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid was the only one killed in the crash when his vehicle was pushed out in front of an oncoming semi."
JJ turned her attention back to Derek, confusion in her wide blue eyes. She didn't understand what the anchor was talking about. Spencer would walk in the front doors any second now, with his coffee and a new book, rambling on about the accuracy of Star Wars or one of his six hour Russian musicals. She looked down at her hand, now holding a silver ring. She'd seen it on Spence since her first day. His mother had given it to him, before her schizophrenia had destroyed her psyche, as a keepsake from his deceased grandmother. Derek gently closed her fingers around the ring.
"He would have wanted you to have it."
"What are you talking about? This is Spencer's ring. How did you get this? He'll want it back," JJ choked, her voice rising, trying desperately to block out what the news report said. "It could've been another Spencer," she insisted when she felt Derek's eyes probing her face for signs of denial. He took a deep breath.
"JJ, I was the one who ID-ed the body," he whispered, still holding her hand closed. She felt what hope that had survived this sudden emotional onslaught crash and burn. She understood now. Derek was a prankster, but he would never have done this to her. She sucked in air, and her coffee fell onto the floor. Tears brimmed her eyes and her heart was beating erratically.
"No! No, it's somebody else!" she screamed, drawing the bullpen's attention. Her eyes flew wildly around and, feeling like she was suffocating, she turned and ran down the ramp, towards the door. She made it to Emily's desk before she felt Derek's arms around her shoulders, holding her in place against his chest. She struggled against his hold, flailing her arms in hopes of hitting him. Penelope's tear-streaked face appeared in the doorway and she could feel Emily's presence as she ran towards the two. "No, no, no! It wasn't him! It can't be him!" she cried as she sank to the ground, Derek's arms still around her. Finally, she quit struggling and just cried, her body shaking with sobs into his shirt. She was vaguely aware of Penelope and Emily sitting next to her on the floor, murmuring words of comfort. She didn't respond, letting out heart-breaking cries instead. She did notice when Aaron and Dave commanded the bullpen be cleared. She silently thanked them as she fell apart.
"Shhh baby girl, you still have his ring," Derek murmured into her hair.
"I never got to tell him! He didn't know! Derek," she sobbed.
"I know baby, I know. He knew Jayje. He loved you too," Derek soothed, his own tears leaking into her hair.
"I think it would be…completely acceptable for you to take time off JJ," Aaron coughed, his voice cracking uncharacteristically as he swiped at his face. He loved his team. They were his family and he was taking Reid's death as hard as would have taken Jack's.
JJ sat on the floor for an unknown amount of time. Eventually her sobs subsided into a steady stream of silent tears. She didn't respond when Derek scooped her up, cradling her against him like a child and insisted on driving her home. Though she knew they meant well, their condolences made her feel caged and she turned her head childishly into Derek's shoulder, nodding mutely when Emily promised to check on her when she came home. The drive back to her house passed in a blur of tears and shaky breaths and, before she knew it, she was being carried through the door.
"When I imagined being carried through the threshold, this isn't what I had in mind," she thought dryly. Derek sat her down gently on the couch and stepped back, eyes on her face, watching as she tipped to her side and curled up into herself.
"Please leave Derek."
"JJ now isn't the time for you to be alone," he responded, shifting his weight uncomfortably. It wasn't that he wouldn't stay with her if she needed him because, God, he couldnt imagine what this was like for her, but struggling to find something comforting to say wasn't going to be easy when he too wanted to mourn the loss of his best friend.
"Please Derek. I'll be fine. Emily will be here on her way home. I'm not suicidal," she insisted, rubbing her fingers over the silver ring in her hand. She hadn't let go of it and the one time that Derek had tried to take it away from her to put it in a box, she broke into hysterical screams.
"Okay…" he mumbled uncertainly. "Call me if you need anything." He eyed her warily before kissing her forehead and slinking out, the clicking of the door the only sound.
JJ stayed on the couch. She got up once to grab a blanket to fight off the chill that had seemed to settle in her core and then she curled back into a ball on her side. None of her bodily functions were working. She didn't feel the need to eat or sleep or blink or even breathe. But she did. She promised Derek she wasn't suicidal. She knew it would kill the team to lose her too. She couldn't stand thinking of 'the team'. It wasn't the team without Spencer. She rolled the silver ring in her hand for hours on end. It was dark outside when she felt she needed to get up. She sat slowly, feeling the blood rush back into her limbs. She looked around. Her apartment looked so...so ordinary that it killed her. It made her think that she would wake up tomorrow and everything would be normal. She knew better than to convert her home into a living morgue though. That isn't what Spencer would have wanted and it would only send flashing warning signals to her family of profilers. Of course, he wouldn't much like her moping on her couch, but she was grieving. She was broken in every way. She gently pulled the blanket back and walked into her bathroom.
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am lost without you
The face that stared back from her bathroom mirror was a stranger. Her hair was knotted and messy and her eyes were red and puffy. She brought her left hand up to rub her face and the emptiness of her third finger made her want to throw up. She glanced down at the silver ring in her right hand and knew what she wanted. A sudden calm came over her and she felt as if her Spencer was there, holding her hand, begging her to let it be his ring that graced her hand. She looked her reflection in the eyes, pretending it was Spence, and slid the ring onto her finger.
"I do," she whispered. She jumped when her doorbell rang. She ran a hand through her hair in an attempt to look okay, then gave up as she left the bathroom and walked the empty hallways to the door. A worried Emily Prentiss looked back at her. She cleared her throat.
"Hey Em," she croaked, her voice rusty from remaining unused for an extended period of time. At her friend's raised eyebrow, she coughed and cleared her throat again. "Come in?" she asked, her voice sounding almost normal, as she stepped aside.
"Just came to make sure you were holding up okay," Emily murmured, appraising JJ's rumpled work clothes, messy hair, and bloodshot eyes. Her eyes stopped on JJ's left hand. They widened slightly and she jerked her eyes back to her friend's face. "Um, JJ?"
"Yes? Oh," JJ gulped as she noticed Emily's questioning glance. Prentiss's eyes darted between her face and her ring. JJ cleared her throat. "It belongs there. It would've happened eventually. It should have happened. Granted, he would never have made me wear a ring that I didn't pick out, but it's all I have," she explained brokenly, her voice cracking as she tried to speak. Em's gaze softened.
"I understand. Um, Jayje, I'm sorry for bringing this up," Emily began awkwardly, "but are you going to the service tomorrow? Me or Derek can come get you." JJ's heart clenched to hear the words, to have it confirmed that yes, Spencer was dead and it wasn't just some nightmare she could wake up from. She flinched, but forced a smile.
"Of course I'll go. Can you send Derek please?" She gestured helplessly, silently pleading that Emily understood why she wanted it to be him instead. He had been Spence's best friend. He had seen her break down. He didn't make her explain the ring.
"Absolutely," came the quick reply.
"Thanks. I hate to be rude to my best friend, but I'm so exhausted," JJ tried to explain. Her sobs had worn her out and she yearned for her bed, where she could pretend this never happened.
"Of course. I'm so sorry Jayje; I should've known you were tired. I can see myself out," Em reassured her, wrapping her friend into a hug. "Stay strong." JJ nodded as Emily backed out of the door, throwing a sad smile her way.
JJ made her way to her room and slipped under the covers, not bothering to shower or change her clothes. She fell into a deep sleep, and the only thing that flashed behind her closed lids were the words "I do" coming from the lips she most wanted them to.
You stand by me
She was on autopilot the next morning. She didn't remember showering or eating or dressing, but the ringing of her doorbell snapped her dull mind back to attention. She glanced in the mirror, deciding that the simple knee length black dress would have to do, though Spence deserved more. She opened the door to reveal Derek, tired and dressed in black, but ready to escort her. Her eyes were empty and he noticed with concern. A small smile graced her lips.
"I know you're profiling me Derek Morgan, so I am going to come out and say it. I know I look broken. I am. It's just what happens when you lose your other half," she sighed, holding her left hand out to him. His brows wrinkled in confusion, then he nodded as he noticed exactly what ring she had on her finger. He helped her into the car, and let her sink into a state of silence as she stared out the window. He knew her mind was guarding itself from the trauma and he knew it was better that way, not that either of them had much to say anyway. What do you talk about when your little brother or soul mate is taken before you can say goodbye? He tried to ease the car to a stop, but the second the lock clicked, she jerked back into consciousness.
The service was small. The cemetery was small. It was exactly the kind of place he would have wanted to rest with exactly the people he had loved. If her shock value hadn't been completley overworked, she would've at least noticed a concerened Elle standing unobtrusively in the back, away from everyone else. She was more than mildly surprised to see Gideon as well, standing across from Elle on the other side of the crowd. His mother even stood by the head of the coffin, a good day for her memory, a bad one for her soul, having braved her fear of flying to show her only son that she couldn't have ever blamed him. Derek quietly informed Aaron of JJ's ring while she blankly stared at his tombstone and asked it to be kept quiet. Aaron agreed, passing the information onto Dave, who was uncharacteristically bothered and Penelope who didn't try to hide her tears.
The service made her cry. The tears fell harder when they lowered him. She flat out sobbed when they placed the roses onto the casket. The parting words were said and a hand on the small of her back was telling her it was time to go. She glanced up at Derek and pleaded with her eyes for one more minute. He nodded, leading the others away from her as she sank to the ground, ignoring the dirt that was caking her dress. The sky was overcast, but not raining and the weather was warm. She stared at the headstone.
"Your ring is finally on my finger. It took me awhile to get it there, but it's never coming off. I know you would say 'JJ, don't be ridiculous,' but I've made up my mind, and we both know how stubborn I can be. And one more thing. I don't think I ever told you while you were here, and maybe you told me and I just didn't realize," JJ spoke to him as if he were standing in front of her. "I love you. I have for a while now and I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you while you were alive." She pressed a hand to her mouth and bit back the painful sobs that would no doubt become her companion for the months to come.
I'm forever yours
JJ stood, dusting off her dress. She didn't know how to do this. She didn't know how to leave behind her heart. She didn't know how to live without him. Her friends would help her through, no doubt, but she was still empty. Time heals all wounds. Or maybe it doesn't. She remembered Spencer saying once that the wound was always there, it was merely covered with scar tissue so that the body could function. She understood that quote now. As she turned she bumped into a man. He was handsome, she had to admit. But she couldn't find a spark of interest and, as she had promised Spence, she was forever his.
"I'm sorry miss," he said politley, reaching out a hand to steady her. He looked closer at her face, his eyes running up and down her unobtrusively, a silent question in the air. She could practically hear Spencer telling her to talk to this man, to soothe her aching heart, but she flashed her left hand subtly, as she lifted it to wave, giving him a view of the ring. His eyes lost their romantic gleam and he nodded politely, as if acknowledging that she was off limits before stooping at a grave four down from Spencer's. She looked longingly at the headstone once more, kissing her fingertips and pressing them to the cold marble, before turning away.
Faithfully.