Rating: PG13
Author: Angela - jedinineofnine@hotmail.com
Summary: Spike watches Buffy.
Archive: fanfiction.net, my future website http://geocities.com/saturnfiction, anyone else please lemme know
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. :O Oh the shock! But really. They belong to Joss Whedon, though sometimes I'm tempted to steal Spike and Giles. :D
Codes: B/S, B/G subtext, Angst
A/N: Born out of my strangeness at 2 in the morning. I don't know...it just occured to me. :D
*
I could
stay awake, just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you
are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming.
He always watched her now. She never knew he was there, but that hardly mattered now did it? The important thing was that he was here, watching her sleep. His breath, his life, his blood. All wrapped into her. This one breathing, living mortal that had changed him. The demon inside him was held at bay by what he didn't know.
Perhaps he'd gone all lame and got himself a soul from the ruling power that handed such things out. It would certainly explain a few things. Not that vampires couldn't feel love - he'd loved Dru. But this was vastly different. Worlds apart from who he'd been for the last two hundred years. It enraged him and calmed him at the same time. It was unexplainable and frightening. Sometimes he thought he was losing his mind.
It would be a shade easier than this, sitting up a damn tree playing peeping-tom. Part of him loathed that this had been Angel's spot. Angel's secret door to her heart. But her window was shut to him. Locked and likely barred with a thousand little stakes and crosses, all pointed at him.
But Angel's
old window or not, it was Spike's now. All his, where he could sit
and watch and want. He touched her every night, opened himself to
her and loved her. True, she had no idea, but he knew. All
too well.
I could
spend my life in this sweet surrender. I could stay lost in this
moment forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.
It drove him completely mad. This wasn't exactly what he called easy. After she'd died and flown to Heaven Spike had sobbed. The morning sun had burned him and yet he hadn't cared at the time. Let the sun burn him to Hell, what did it matter? She was gone. Ripped away from everything and the hurt had been blinding.
He could still see her body laying there on the ground. The fallen form of a battered girl who'd saved the world many times over and had gotten nothing in return. Who wouldn't cry and scream as if the sorrow of the world was upon them? God, how she'd been beautiful in that moment. As if the whole entire would had seen her death and ached at her departure.
The Watcher had cried and raged, his heart torn out by her death. The Witches had hidden within each others' embrace. The Whelp looked lost and afraid while the Demon drank in all the horrifying, lovely reality that humanity offered up for her. The Key was inconsolable for many weeks after, alone in the world now that her sister was gone.
That left finally
him. The Vampire. He wasn't prepared for how deeply this would
affect him. Even before he'd known that he loved her he wouldn't
have killed her. He was her dark counterpart. Two sides of
one passion. They needed each other, they were each other's fire.
Hate, love and passion were all one between he and his Slayer. It
was all consuming and sheer, utter insanity.
I don't
wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep, cause I'd miss you, baby
and I don't wanna miss a thing. Cause even when I dream of
you, the
sweetest dream would never do, cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna
miss a thing.
He didn't sleep, didn't feed hardly anymore. He spent his waking moments watching her, living her and loving her. Possession was hardly new to him, but this...this was like a nightmare. And a dream. He could hear her screaming inside him, her voice singing in his mind. Everything was black and roses.
His hands shook as he lit up and continued his nightly vigil. She looked so pretty, so peaceful as she lay there, sleeping in her bed. She was like an angel offering him redemption.
Selfish or not, he'd been elated when Heaven had been robbed of the goodness that was she. The world should be so grateful that she'd been given back. So many fools out there passed her by, not knowing the importance of her. She was to be honored, not cast aside or pushing poison at a local fast-food establishment.
Which was why
he'd ultimately decided to do what he must. This world wasn't fit
to touch her.
I don't
wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss. I just wanna be
with you, right here with you, just like this. I just wanna hold
you close and feel your heart so close to mine...and just stay here in
this moment for all the rest of time.
The choice hadn't come easily, that was bloody well certain, but ultimately he fought down his own wishes and put her first and foremost for once. She hadn't even seen it coming. No one had, except the Watcher. It must have been something in his voice when he'd spoken to Giles, the note of despair he hadn't been able to contain a few hours ago. Something had tipped him off or he wouldn't be here now.
Placing the Slayer above all else, Spike had given her what she'd wanted most since she'd been brought back. He'd given her Heaven. The chip didn't work with her anymore and he could now see there had been a fated reason for it. Buffy had struggled against him, but to no avail. He'd never been more determined in his life.
Spike watched from his place, unnoticed by the Watcher who lay with his Slayer, cradling her against him and telling her everything he'd always wanted to say. Tears fell freely from his green eyes, but Spike could see it. Could see it because he felt it, too. She was at peace now and they both secretly enjoyed that. She was in Heaven, finally and eternally. She would never have to fight, never have to see her friends get killed. Never have to bear the hurts of her friends, her sister and her Watcher. She was free.
Death was also his gift. He was the monster, the demon and the hated and yet to give her back what she'd lost he'd given up the most precious thing he'd ever loved. Her. In truth he knew he was dark and evil. He knew that he was a demon, not a man and that tomorrow this would become the worst act of evil he'd ever done. Which was why he didn't even flinch when Giles drew up his crossbow and pointed it at the now seen intruder. Giles hated him openly now, that was plain by his expression. He'd just lost the most beloved thing in his life too, only he would go on living with that pain for the rest of his mortal life.
Spike wouldn't even live another hour with it.