(A/N) This is what I do on sick days. Okay.

Rumour Wysteria De'Ville was displeased.

It had been another long, trying day of public education, fraught with disturbingly preppy girls who were too tan for their own good, and boys who gawked at her obnoxious cleavage (which she had on full display to the world). As if that wasn't bad enough, she'd missed her bus and had to walk all the way home. (You see, she doesn't have the luxury of parents who transport their children to and from school. She was orphaned as a mere fetus, and lived alone her whole life.)

"wut da fuck?" She cried mournfully at the sky, which immediately responded with a torrential downpour. "kami, y do yu hate meh?" She mumbled crossly. "evar sense I was just a fetus in mah mom's gallbladder. I try so hard but its never good enough four yu, is it? Well im sorry im not perfect! Its not easy being alone!"

"I'm not okaaaayyyy, I'm not o-fuuuucking-kaaaaaayyyyyy!" She sang as she sobbed, running down the middle of the busy highway without looking both ways for traffic, or holding an adult's hand.

She arrived at her ridiculously large mansion several angst-filled minutes later (having miraculously survived the 37-car pile-up she caused). She made herself comfortable in front of the flat screen television, and prepared to drown her sorrows in anime.

"weight, dis is all wrong!" She frowned. "yu 4got to describe my godly appearance. Don't forget to use lengthy paragraphs ok."

Her voice echoed through the empty room. "good thing im not the object of a poorly conceived fanfic, or that might've broken the fourth wall." She noted, before stalking across the room to a full-length mirror.

"oh shitfuckdamn. Mah hurr is all messed up. I look like shit lawl. Im such a hot mess. Im still freakin hawt though. Because normally mah hurr looks like long flowing waves of brown oceans." She giggled, twirling a beefy finger around a strand of mud-colored hair. It was a true—ahem, partially true—statement. The humidity from the rain had not done her already-disgusting hair any favors. "and mah makeup is running. But it looks sexxi and sort of emo. I hope I can do it again for skool 2morrow…" The heavy mascara was smeared under her eyes, and running in tracks down her greasy cheeks. "the rain made mah eyes brighter tho." She noticed gleefully. "mah eyes r usually a clear, heavenly blue color. But in da rain they turn to bright, deep, shocking, startling orbs of emerald. They blend so perfectly wit my pale, porcelain skin like a dove's kiss."

After this lively monologue, she remembered her earlier quest to soak up as much anime as she possibly could before school the next day. And so, armed with Doritos and a tub of Ben&Jerry's, she settled down on the couch to watch Naruto.

"sooo sexxxxxxii." She literally drooled all over her new leather sofa at the sight of her latest obsession, the Akatsuki. "he has such a big sword…harhar, innuendos." She cackled, a truly frightening sound.

Suddenly there was a bright blue flash, and Rumour Wysteria De'Ville disappeared into her television screen amidst a cloud of smoke and random obscenities.

When she woke up, she was staring at the faces of the Akatsuki (minus the unattractive ones, and Konan since she lacks the necessary hardware. Get it? Hardware? Oknevermind.)

"Ahem." It was Pein, of course. "Your existence means nothing to me and no one would blink twice if I were to kill you where you stand. But instead of doing the logical thing I will ask seemingly random questions and cooperate with you completely at the discretion of the author, so that he/she may live out his/her fantasies." He cleared his throat again, looking very official. "I'll start with your name. What is-"

"Mah name iz Yoru Uchiha." She spat excitedly, drawing the name off the top of her pile of terribly-written OC's.

"Uchiha?" Pein looked thoughtfully at the only other Uchiha who mattered. "But Itachi, I thought you killed everyone?"

"Except for Sasuke." Kisame hissed helpfully.

"Oh, right. Except for Sasuke. Interesting. Who's this girl, then?" Everyone peered/ogled curiously/pervertedly at the girl in question, who simply smirked.

"I smell a plotline…" Someone whispered.

"Well, I'll tell u." She spoke up. "I'm da last survivor of da Uchiha clan. I hid away for a long time so he-" she jabbed a finger in Itachi's direction, along with a few flirtatious eyebrow wiggles. "-wouldn't kill me at da massacre and all dat."

"Oh, that makes sense then. There is no reason for me not to believe you." Pein agreed right away, and the others nodded.

"Yeaz. So, can I have sum time alone 2 talk two my…family member?" Rumour Wysteria wondered, already plotting something sinister, sexual and altogether detrimental to the story's G-rating.

"Why, of course. It is completely sensible to leave you alone, because in the 5 minutes that I've known you, you've proved yourself to be a very trustworthy character with no ulterior motives whatsoever. Let's give her some space, people."

She blushed deeply as the men stared her down on their way out of the room. "I'll wait for you babe." A certain blonde stated in a slimy tone. "…UN."

"I'm fucking the bitch first, you cockbiting slice of shit!" Hidan howled.

"Enough of your obligatory man-whoring, ladies."

Pein smiled to cover up his mortification—why wouldn't his subordinates at least pretend to be civilized when they had company?—and shoved the bickering testosterone containers from the room.

And then, the two of them were alone.

Rumour/Yoru couldn't keep the devilish grin off of her face.

"Do u remember me Itachi…?" She simpered, prancing over to him.

"No, I've never seen you before in my life." He answered tonelessly.

"Wrong! I wuz ur lover, back then. And I secretly survived all dis time." She giggled cutely, swatting his arm playfully.

"Yes, I remember. You were my lover, back then. You, a young girl with no skills whatsoever, managed to secretly survive all this time."

"Yeeee!" She squealed, and glomped him.

Yes, that's correct. She attacked him. With affection.

"I wuv you, Itachi-kun!"

"You love me. I love you." He replied robotically. "I am so glad you've returned. My life can go on now. Let us run away together, and I shall give not a second thought to my dear beloved brother or cherished village."

She nodded eagerly, thrilled that her charm was so effective on him.

He swept her off her feet dramatically. "Let us be married, right here and now. I cannot stand the thought of being without you any longer. It is completely logical for me to suggest something like this. I am quite smitten with you."

She swooned at the compliments he was randomly spewing out.

"Oh, dis is so romantic!" She cheered, and then casually changed topics. "are babies will be named after da 4 seasons. But they'll be translated too Japanese…everything sounds sexxi in Japanese, ne?"

"Ne indeed."

They (or he, really) leapt out of a nearby window, and ran away to partake in extremely explicit activities that go beyond the limits of everything good and pure in this universe. Things so shocking, so mind-numbingly horrid; things that could only be conjured up from the depths of a deeply disturbed soul.

There was intercourse. Lots of it.

(A/N) You guys, not once did she use the word "kawaii". WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Tell me what you thought :D Should I continue?

Have a kawaii day, desu :3