"I can't stand it. I'm going crazy."
"Be quiet," I breathed, and turned away from the destitute figure before me.
"I need you, Lucia. I can't live without you," he whispered, just loudly enough for me to hear over the quiet murmur of the drizzling rain.
"Please," I gasped, "Be quiet." Volke's voice was so soft, so gentle. It fell on my skin like cotton, oppressive and obsessive; it was hard to breathe.
"I can't!" his voice cracked, still beautiful in its broken melodies. The same voice that had lied for me, comforted me, and whispered my name was making it so hard to keep myself together.
I couldn't forget it. The memory of his face, his hugs and kisses, burst forward into full color, destroying the walls I'd built so carefully and desperately. Every kindness he'd ever shown me, every moment of beauty, every single damn touch pounded against my throbbing head. Something was breaking, and the hollowness I'd grown so accustomed to was breathing in and sobbing, wrenching against my chest.
"No matter what you say, I just can't let you go. I know it was easy for you, but I can't just erase you from my life like that." He was crying, that extraordinary, cold person. His voice shuddered and the air contorted.
"Please," I whispered, crying. It's so acute, the things you try hardest to forget. It's like in the process of making yourself forget, you end up burning the memories into a darker, deeper place. It's harder to see them there, but it's not like they fade. Like a tattoo, they've crept beneath your skin and into permanence. With every word he pushed into my ears, my tattoo was cutting sharper, fighting its way from the haze to the surface for air. My chest throbbed, agonizing.
"It's like I'm addicted to you," Volke laughed weakly. "No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard you shove me away, I just can't walk away from you."
I wanted to see him. I wanted to turn around, and disappear into a corner of the world with him. I wanted to forget, to pretend I could be with him, and to make it like there had never been any pain. I wanted so many things, in that one small moment. It was like I could hear his tears as they shattered against the sidewalk; if I could have picked up the pieces and kept them, I would have. My deepest desires were driving me crazy, because life isn't the dream I wish it would be.
His hand rested hesitantly against my shoulder.
But it's precisely because life isn't easy that we are permitted to fight. It's because we can fight that we can become strong. And it's because we are strong, because we've endured, that the world shines so much brighter when we reach the end of the storm.
I found my footing.
"Why do some people get to fall in love? Why is it so easy for the rest of the world?" I turned to face him, the tears tracing my cheeks giving me the strength to speak.
His dark eyes clung desperately to mine, wishing I would falter. I wished I could too. How desperately I wanted to falter, to slip and fall into the warmth he promised. And it would be so easy.
"Stop," he whispered, "Give me one reason not to steal you away, right here, right now. Give me one reason to let you go."
Slowly, I reached up and held his face in my hands. He leaned down to meet my lips, gently. We held onto each other with just that slight touch, careful and heartbroken. I let go first, hoping that I was smiling.
"Let me go because I've given you this memory. A quiet, secret kiss in the midst of this rain- romantic, isn't it?" I turned my back to him, losing faith in my ability to smile.
"Let me go because you have to. Let me go because this world isn't kind. Let me go because we need to forget; otherwise, we will never be able to grow."
"Lucia…!"
I took one shaky step forward, away from Volke. The earth was still beneath me, as steady as the heavens were uncertain. The pain in my chest continued to cut through me, an ever present reminder of everything I was leaving behind. But as surely as we must move on and change, we can be certain that the earth will change with us. Step by step, I moved on through the mist, praying that it would not be long until I emerged into sunlight again.