A Lifetime
"What would you like to talk about?"
"I don't have anything to talk about."
"Why did you want to jump off that bridge?"
"I wanted to see if I could fly like Superman, you know normal crazy person stuff."
"Logan I can't help you unless you talk to me."
"Yeah, really, you want to help me? Well I have made friends with this guy Slinky Sam, see he's a great card player but the voices in his head make him pretty slow at making a move. So if you could just clear that up for him that would be real helpful."
"Sam's not sitting in front of me right now, Logan. You are."
"Yeah, well it's not voluntary believe me."
"Many of my patients come here involuntarily."
"Yeah, I know, its standard for people who are on suicide watch in the loony bin to be forced into counseling sessions."
"I can only help you Logan if you want it."
"I never asked for help from you or from anyone."
"Why won't you see anyone?"
"Well, you told me to relax, and the talking to the paparazzi is kinda like work, which is supposed to be stressful I hear. I'd much prefer to enjoy my vacation, kick up my heels and watch Foxtel, I mean why else is my father paying this place."
"Why won't you see Veronica and Duncan?"
"Because I don't want to."
"Why, are you embarrassed?"
"No, this place is one up from their homes is all, I just don't want to make them jealous. How will our friendship ever survive that?"
"Logan do you want to leave this place?"
"Well geez…let me think about that. Cons: there are people running around muttering stuff to themselves, no alcohol, no privacy, yet there is the perks of the wonderful reception with G rated shows, the free drugs and the card games.…"
"If you want to get out of here, you're going to have to make some progress, you're going to have to talk to someone Logan."
"What's out there that's so great?"
"Life"
"Yeah, and I was just having a heap of fun doing that."
"You're only seventeen, don't you have dreams?"
"I want to be the next Hugh Heffner."
"What did you want to do with you're life, when you were younger?"
"I wanted to end up in a mental asylum."
"Talk to me Logan."
"I don't have anything to talk about."
"Mr. Echolls I was wondering if we could sit down for a minute."
"Hey, I've been taking the pills man so whatever the nurses say is…"
"It's not about that."
"What then?"
"I just wanted to talk with you."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, I know it must be hard for you, so young and in a place like this."
"Look I get enough of that from my phsych, so if that's it…"
"Were you aware that Mr. Mars has published a book about you're fathers alleged crime."
He stared uncomprehending.
"I was just wondering how do you feel about that?"
"And why the hell would you want to know?" suspicious now.
"Mr. Echolls I'm not really an orderly as you've probably guessed, I'm a reporter and if you could just co-operate here and give me an interview I'm sure I could get you a few things. Real food perhaps… It's pretty dry in here perhaps I could get you something to quench you're thirst?…"
"Yeah, let me ask you something, are you feeling hungry at all?"
The reporter looked confused as his fist struck swiftly and hit the paparazzo's face.
And suddenly without realizing it he is on top of the guy, punching and punching and punching….
It finally took three orderlies to pull him off and still he was struggling.
Wanting more,
Wanting everything.
Wanting to tear into someone, anyone, he didn't care.
He didn't care.
"Hi"
"Why did you call?"
"Because I needed to hear you're voice."
"Well there you go, hope you've taped it so you can write a book."
"Wait, please don't hang up."
"Why not?"
"Why won't you see me?"
"Because"
"Okay…(deep breath) I need to see you."
"Well I don't need to see you."
"I miss you (choking)…so much."
""Really, what do you miss the most? My money, or my fame, or perhaps my testament in you're dads new tell all book?"
"How did you find out about…I thought…"
"They're supposed to keep me calm right, relaxed, cut off from the outside world, sedated. Well those paparazzi, their sneaky little buggers."
"Logan I…(He can hear the tears now, her voice is strained)"
"What?!"
"It's not like that."
"Really, because the three hundred and fifty pages of it look a lot like that to me."
"It's not. Mum left with my college money, Dad had to…it's not like that, it doesn't have anything about Lilly, or anything like that. It's not personal."
"Yeah, not personal about how my fathers a bastard. Did you tell you're dad about how he used to beat me, I'm sure that would have been a particularly tasty morsel."
"Look I understand, he's you're Father…"
"What, do you think I'm standing up for that asshole or something? How could you…What the hell kind of freak would even…"
"Logan!"
Silence
"What are you so angry about?"
"I don't even care."
"I need to see, I need to explain…"
"Why did you call?"
"Why did you finally answer?"
"Because I needed to hear you cry."
"Hey man."
"Dick" Dick was the last person he expected to ask to visit him, the only one beside Veronica and occasionally Duncan who had even tried. He didn't know why he agreed to see him, he supposed because he needed somebody to entertain him, who wasn't suffering from deep depression.
"So what's it like in here dude, any crazy famous people?"
"Well I thought I saw George Lucas, then again he was in an Eowock costume so it could have been anyone." Dick didn't catch on to the sarcasm. He thought maybe Dick never would get the whole sarcasm thing.
"Right…So hey, I tried to sneak in some booze but they caught me with it sorry dude."
"Yeah I tried to sneak out some pills…"
"Yeah…pills…so what are they getting you to take? I mean is it like blowing you're mind?"
"No not really, just numbs everything so I don't hit another paparazzo disguised as an orderly."
"Yeah, I heard about that man, all on the news. Apparently he's suing you, that's whacked, but I heard you broke his jaw."
"Yeah, really makes the loss of money almost worth it."
Silence, Dick eyed some women orderlies passing by; Logan wondered why the hell he agreed to see him.
"Hey I totally almost got into Madison's pants last night dude, it was awesome. You should have been there, I held like this wicked party in you're honor, it was going off!"
"Yeah…so…how's Veronica?" He didn't know why he asked, he didn't care. He supposed the mention of Madison triggered something in him.
"I don't know, I thought you didn't want to see her?"
"I don't."
Pause.
"Dude this place is like messing with you're mind. I don't know how you survive without booze and a Playstation."
"Yeah…the mystery of life."
"So when are you going to get out?"
"It depends on my bitch of a psychologist; she says when I'm 'ready.'"
"Is she hot?"
"Maybe she would be if she didn't keep on trying to talk to me about deep and meaningful crap, so she can sell it to the next show covering Aaron's story."
Silence.
"Anyway, when you finally do get out we should go to another trip to Mexico, it'll be fun man."
What the hell was he supposed to say to that?
"Dude I'm in the loony bin?"
Dick stared at him, uncomprehending.
"So? Yeah it sucks you're currently in the whacko joint, but when you get out of here we can go to Mexico and get smashed bro."
He smiles disbelievingly, shakes his head.
"You're not very complicated are you Dick?"
"I like to keep life simple."
"What are you doing here? I told them I'm not accepting visitors."
"I know Dick came to see you."
"I'll make it clearer then; I told them I'm not accepting cold hearted bitches."
"Logan."
"What? Are you going to cry now? Wow I called you a bitch, that must really hurt, it's nothing compared to the disruption of my peace."
"Peace, is that what this is? Free drugs, games of poker; is this like some kind of holiday for you? And to think I was worrying about how it must feel for you inside this place."
"Yeah a holiday, for sure, and let me tell you the people here are great companions too! I mean they do mutter to themselves, but at least they don't desert you in you're time of need."
"Is that what you think I did, desert you?"
"Well you did a great impression of it, sorry if I misunderstood you stabbing me in the back."
"You're the one who won't see me!"
"I wasn't talking about that."
"What were you talking about then?"
"Geez…what do you think? Oh, wait maybe we can consult you're dad's new book and find out."
"What, is that it, you're upset about us exposing you're father?"
"No!" Shouted out, they both freeze shocked, his chest is heaving.
"Just leave."
"I just want to know what's wrong Logan."
"Nothing, absolutely nothing, everything is fran frigging tastic in the perfect life of Logan Echolls. Satisfied? Now leave, or I'm calling for an orderly and guess who's going to get charged for trespassing."
"If that's what you want, if you really want me to leave?"
She looks at him, in the eye.
He stares straight back, his eyes are hard.
"Glad we've sorted that out."
After she leaves he goes to his room and lies on the bed and just stares at the ceiling.
Because he doesn't want to care.
And eventually he falls asleep.
And eventually he dreams.
And eventually he remembers.
He remembers sunshine, he's lying on a pool chair his eyes closed, his Ipod blaring into his ears. The familiar smell of chlorine and sunscreen, the feel of the sunshine beating down upon his face all have a calming affect on him in their sameness.
He remembers Aaron had been away for a whole month shooting some B grade movie, and Logan had never had a more peaceful month. His mother actually laughed and sat with him, they talked about things without being scared. He wished it could be like that always.
At the time he thought it might be like that always, believed it could be.
Maybe Aaron would run off with some blonde chick, give mum a nice settlement to keep quiet.
Maybe Aaron would just disappear, and never come back.
Maybe Aaron was just some nightmare Logan dreamt up, like the bogey man
Maybe Aaron wasn't real at all…
And in these thoughts feels safe, completely safe, because Aaron's not supposed to be back for a month more.
So he lay there in the sunshine, his iPod blaring. Then someone suddenly snatched the IPod earphones from his ears, his eyes snap open and Aaron's staring down at him with a livid face. He froze, unable to move, unable to think, he was just shocked.
"What the hell are you doing," Aaron said in that dead quiet voice, that voice that made him tense in fear, made him want to run and hide like he used to when he was younger, until he learnt better.
"Dad…I…"
"I thought I told you to clean you're room up before I left. I though I said that I wanted to come home to find you a reformed character, to find you hadn't gotten into any trouble, to find that my son wasn't an ungrateful shit."
"I didn't know you were back," he replied weakly, quickly scrambling up to a sitting position as Aaron moves angrily, then stops and glares at him.
"Instead of coming back to find any of that…I come back early to find my son lazing on a pool chair listening to music and being irresponsible. Do you know why I had to come back early?"
"No…." he said, trying to stay calm, trying to think of the options he had, trying to say the right thing.
"Because I hear over the phone that my son got into a fight with one of the richest people in Neptune, that's why."
He feels slight relief pour through him, now he understands what Aaron's angry about. "No Dad you don't understand…it wasn't like that at all, me and Dick it was just a small argument, were fine now…we cleared it up…"
"Well his parents don't think so. They're suing me…me because you assaulted Dick. Now Logan, tell me, how is this fair?"
"I…no…Dick is totally cool with it…we didn't really punch each other…it was just a misunderstanding…"
"Do I look like I want to hear you're excuses Logan?" Aaron snapped. "I'm sick of this, so sick of having this as my son. You can't even taker responsibility for your own actions, what kind of man are you?"
He was silent, as Aaron glared at him and waited for an answer.
"Fine Logan," he advanced on him, kicking the pool chair over making Logan tumble onto the concrete. "Fine, if this is how you want it to be, I you'd rather be a coward then face up to you're responsibilities. Obviously I haven't been teaching you right son, or maybe you've been just too thick to learn."
He stumbled back, as Aaron advanced on him, the look in Aarons eyes wasn't human…it was feral rage.
"Aaron darling," he felt relief flood through him, mum, she could see, couldn't she see the look in Aarons eyes?
"Not now Llynn, me and Logan are just having a little chat, isn't that right son?"
"Oh but honey" there's a note of desperation in her voice as she looks down at him on the floor, looks up at Aaron. "I really have to talk to you about the new furniture I don't know if it's the right shade of…"
"Is that all you can think about." Aaron turned on her like a whip. "Were getting sued by the Casablanca's because of your stupid son over here and you're thinking about the décor. No wonder this happened, I knew I shouldn't have left him with you."
"Because he would have been safer with you?"
"What's that supposed to mean."
"He didn't learn to deal with his problems through violence from me."
"No he learnt to drown them out with drink and pills, isn't that right? I haven't done anything to that boy that hasn't been for his own good! If you had raised him by yourself he would have already drowned at the age of three while you were too busy gulping down a little morning cocktail and some pills. Or have you forgotten that so easily?"
His Mum looked at Aaron, completely white, her face twisted with intense guilt and fear and Logan hated it, hated to see her that way, hated that she let him treat her that way. But Aaron couldn't stop there he had to continue to hurt her, to push the knife deeper and twist it.
"You're just a worthless cow I saved from …"
And then Logan just couldn't take anymore.
"SHUTUP," he screamed, his voice tearing with pain and fear and a hate so intense he could barely contain it. "Just shut up!"
They all stopped, Llynn staring at him with some fear, and Aaron with his mouth agape.
He rose, his temples thumping, "Don't you dare say another word to her you bastard!" It was the first time he had ever stood up to Aaron.
And suddenly he was down on the ground and he was being hit hard again and again, and instinctively he curled up into a ball attempting to protect him self as the blows rained down.
He could almost taste the chlorine; hear the water gently lapping as Aaron dragged him towards the edge of the pool.
And then his hair was being pulled and his head was being shoved into the pool and held down and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe.
He could hear screaming, his mother screaming for Aaron to stop, stop, please stop.
And then her screams turned into Lilly's, screaming and screaming, "Why, Logan, why Logan, why, why, why, why?"
He sits there in silence and tries not to think.
"Are you going to say anything today Logan?"
He shakes his foot, he can't stay still.
"I know this is hard for you, hard for you to trust, but you can talk to me. I'm bound by law, I can't tell anyone anything, otherwise I'll lose a lot of money. You understand that, don't you?"
He taps the desk, he can't stay still.
"Do you feel restless, is something bothering you about this room, we can go outside if you want?"
He look around the room, he wants to feel still.
"Logan, please look at me when I speak to you."
He sits there in silence and yet his mind is a clamor of noise.
"Logan how do you expect me to help you if you won't talk to me?"
He sits there in silence and thinks he's going crazy.
"Hey man."
"Hey."
They sit there in silence and he thinks perhaps he is crazy.
"I didn't want you to come."
"Why'd you let me then?"
"Because."
"It's been odd without you, at school and stuff."
"Awww…did you miss me?"
"How couldn't I"
"You always were a bit queer Duncan."
"Me queer?" Duncan looks pointedly around the room.
"Yeah," he smiles glad Duncan can appreciate the irony and not be weird about it.
Silence again.
"Why did you let me see you though?"
"I don't know I was bored."
"Why won't you let (a look from him stops Duncan from saying the name)…you know…she's been pretty cut up over you."
"Yeah, good for her."
"Logan I think…"
"Look if you just came here to talk about her…I don't give a damn about how she's feeling …okay."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well I'm not."
Silence.
"Since when have you been like this?"
"Like what, crazy?"
"No…."
Silence.
"I didn't want you to come."
"You're just upset because I get to be the cool one at all the parties now."
"Yeah, well you're just upset because I'm surrounded by hot chicks who want to hang onto every word I say."
"If you'll give them one."
He stands. "Talked to my phsyc then have you, you two had a nice little chat about me."
"Yeah," Duncan stands in response to his raised voice, "She said you were an idiot for not talking to her."
"Really," his body tenses "And let me guess you're going to tell me what you think now."
"Only if you want me to"
His fists clench. "I don't particularly care either way."
"Fine, I'll tell you what I think…"
A tense pause.
"I think she was hot."
An involuntary grin breaks over his face, Duncan shakes his head in relief and smiles back.
"You're an idiot man."
"Yeah."
She breathes, he breathes with her.
"Why did you call?" she asks softly, tentatively.
"I dreamt of her…and I couldn't stop thinking of you."
"I can't stop thinking about you either."
He thinks that's true, because he thinks if she stopped he would seize to exist.
"This place is making me go crazy."
"It's supposed to help you."
"Yeah, well is it healthy to be dreaming about you're dead girlfriend, and thinking about your ex and have same cow keep on asking you to talk about it so she can learn the sordid details?"
"Is it better to ignore it?"
"Yes!"
"Why did you call?"
"Because I need to talk to someone."
"Talk to Dick then." Said with a petty sting which he knows she instantly regrets, he can hear her inhale on the other end, waiting for his outburst.
"I needed to talk to someone who understands."
Silence.
"Why did you want to jump off that bridge?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"So I can understand."
Silence
"Because I love you."
Silence
She breathes, he breathes with her, in and out, in and out.
He wishes she could hear him, not his breathing, because he's holding his breath, wanting her to answer.
He wishes she could hear his heart and how it was breaking and how the pain of it is unbearable, tangible, physical, and how he wishes it would stop.
He couldn't stand the silence anymore.
"Yeah I know the things a guy will say to get some." He slams the phone down.
"Logan, are you going to talk to me?"
They sit there in silence, the clock ticks, she stares at him and he stares out the window.
And then suddenly something inside him breaks.
"This place is driving me crazy; I have to get out of here."
"This is supposed to help you."
"Yeah well it doesn't feel like it, it feels like I'm suffocating. I don't belong here."
"Where do you belong?"
"I have a right to be free you know, it's in the constitution."
"And the community also has the right to be protected."
"What and you think I'm going to go on some killing spree?"
"One boy is already dead."
"And I told you I didn't kill him, I didn't touch him!!"
"You have a right to be protected Logan."
"From what?"
"You need to talk to someone."
"If I talk to someone will that bring my dead girlfriend back, will it make my Dad less of a bastard?"
"No but it will help you to deal with it."
"I'm all for evasion."
"Fine don't talk then if you're not interested in dealing with things and moving on, but remember if you do it might also help you get out of here."
"Isn't this like blackmail or something?"
"I didn't promise you anything."
"I need to get out of here."
"Then talk."
Silence.
"My dad ploughed my girlfriend, then he bashed her head in. My mum committed suicide because she couldn't handle his infidelities. He almost killed my last girlfriend, and now he's in prison awaiting trial. You know, and even after all that the media still paints him as a kind family man and generous donator, while I'm the troubled crazy son who tried to go the same way as his mother. My sisters somewhere in Neptune, spending up the family funds, while I'm stuck in this shit hole talking about my feelings. There is that enough screwed up shit for you, or do you want more?"
"That's not what's really bothering you Logan."
"Is that not screwed up enough?"
"I know all that, I can read that in a tabloid any time."
"Right, so what you want is emotional. Well I'll give you emotional, hear this, I've got a lawyer and he tells me without justifiable reason you can't keep me here. I've been taking the meds, I've been a good boy, and I've talked to a few people. To all intents and purposes I'm franfrigging tastic, so when I get another consultation, and I will, I'll be out of here and gee I sure will miss these chats of ours."
"Fine Logan, you don't want to be here I get it."
"Thank the Lord."
"But you listen, if you don't want to end up as screwed up as your father and in prison in a years time, or like your mother and washed up somewhere, I suggest you talk to someone."
"I don't have anything to talk about."
A loud yawn on the other end. "Hey, umm…who is this? Cause unless its some hot babe I'm going to bed okay."
"Who do you thinks going to be ringing you from the hospital Dick?"
"Dude, it's like three in the morning."
"Really, I hadn't noticed."
"So what's up?"
"I need you to get me some booze and I need it now."
Silence.
"What"
"I'll compensate you or something, whatever…"
"Are you sure man…I mean with the shit you're taking…."
"Look Dick, I need booze, I'm asking you for some like I have so many other times .Don't over think it okay and if something happens and I don't know have a fit or whatever I swear I won't blame you, I'll even sign a contract or whatever. So can you do it or not?"
"Yeah…sure I'll try…I suppose."
"Ask Beav how you to smuggle it in, okay….because hiding it under you're shirt like last time…yeah not gonna work."
"I got it, uh Beav helped."
He grabs the bottle, eagerly opens it and gulps it down. Like a desperate man.
"Where's he?"
"Downstairs in the lobby."
"Awww….how sweet you're looking after him, protecting him from you're crazy friend."
"No, I just thought you could use, you know, a minute… Besides he gets all jumpy in these places the freak"
"Wow, I must be frigging losing it."
"What?"
"Well if you've observed something's wrong…"
"Don't you think they'll notice your drunk?"
"So."
"Well won't that stop you from getting out of here or whatever; I thought that lawyer dude was organizing something for you. You know man whatever, don't worry bout it."
"I won't"
Silence.
"You know maybe you should go easy?"
"Since when have you tuned into Constable Care?"
"Since when have you turned into a dick."
"Sorry forgot that was your job."
"Drinking's supposed to be fun."
"Yeah, and I'm having a heap of it."
"You drowned that bottle in like five minutes dude."
"God, you sound like Veronica."
"What the hell, what is with you and her? You can't go like five seconds without mentioning her. You gotta start dating man."
"Yeah, well the opportunities in here are limited, even for you."
"This place is making you lose it."
"Yeah, I tried to tell them that."
"I mean dude c'mon so what, you were standing at the edge of a bridge when you were smashed. I mean you didn't know where you were, what you were doing. Doesn't that count for anything?"
"I knew."
"What?"
"I knew, I knew exactly where I was."
Dick stared, stunned. There was silence.
"Did you bring anymore?"
"No."
His head was spinning, maybe he drank it too fast, he felt sick...
"Your right, these type of pills and booze don't go together."
"Man are you all right, shit Logan! Logan!…"
Black, everything was black.
Where was he?
Then there was a light, was it the tunnel? Was this death? Hey what a way to go, cheap booze and legal pills, somehow he had thought his end would have been a tad more dramatic then that.
"Logan?
That couldn't be right, he was supposed to be in hell…but wasn't that….
"Veronica?"
He opened his eyes.
God his throat hurt, it felt like sandpaper, and his head was pounding, he could barely think straight. And he guessed if his body smelt as bad as his breath did that his shares in the dating market right then were non existent.
And there, watching him in this condition, she stood, looking as radiant as ever.
"Hey."
"Hi."
They stared at each other and in her look she told him she loved him as much as he did her.
And for a disorienting moment he thought this might be heaven.
Then suddenly she crossed her arms.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"What?"
"Getting Dick to smuggle in alcohol, what were you thinking Logan? Its not like you don't know what that could do to you…"
"Yeah, I have first hand experience,."
"So you did know?"
"What? Wait…wait a second, are you suggesting."
"They had to pump your stomach!"
"Why do you care anyway?"
"They called me… your psych thought it would be good if you woke up and saw someone familiar…."
She had hesitated, he knew that wasn't the real reason she had come.
"What else did she tell you?"
"What do you mean?"
"What else?"
"She also said you'd been muttering my name…you were pretty out of it…"
"She's a bitch."
"Yeah, she is a bit."
He's surprised she agrees with him.
"So, that's the only reason you're here?"
"No….I was worried…."
"Yeah, I'm sure you were."
"Logan, what's happened?"
"What do you mean?"
"What's happened to you?"
"Well in case you haven't noticed a whole string of happy things."
"Don't you care?"
"That depends"
"Don't you care about how I felt, how Duncan felt…hell even how Dick felt about this?"
"Felt about what?"
"How could you do this Logan?"
"I wasn't trying to kill myself."
Silence.
He can tell she wants to believe him, but she's scared to believe. And for a moment he hates himself more then anything.
"I wasn't!"
"That's not what they think."
"What do you think?"
"I don't know."
"You really think I would do that?"
"You tried before."
"That was different."
"How?"
"Don't you know me?"
"You won't let me. You won't talk to me."
"Why won't anyone just believe me? I don't have anything to talk about!!"
"Because you have something to drink about!"
"Yeah…well some things are better left unsaid, isn't that right?"
"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to help you?"
"I don't know, evaporate or something."
"Logan!"
"I'm sick of people saying my name like that."
"Like what?"
"Like their trying to remind me of who I am."
"Maybe they are."
"I'm sick of it! I'm sick of this!"
She feels she's on the edge of something, her voice softens.
"Of what?"
"Annoying blondes who keep on asking questions."
He was always the evader.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Silence, he honestly doesn't know.
She sighs. She pauses at the door, turns to him, and there's that look in her eyes he hasn't seen in a while.
"Logan."
"Yeah?"
"Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, okay?"
He sighs and doesn't answer her.
She leaves.
When he looks up he sees she left her coat, and for some reason he smiles, even though his heart was twisting inside and it felt like he'd never get rid of the ache.
He had always been a sucker for punishment.
"Son?"
His eyes snapped open, and at first he thought he was having a nightmare. There he was dreaming of promises and marshmallows, and now Aaron was standing before his bed, with a black eye.
"What the…".
"Logan it's me, its me your Dad."
And then he feels shock, and mixed with all the anger and pain he feels at seeing Aaron standing before him in the flesh, he also feels a little bit of fear. And he hates himself for it.
"What the hell are you doing here," he hadn't meant to yell. He quickly got up, he hated being in a vulnerable position near Aaron.
"I got into a bit of a fight at the prison and ended up here. I knew you were here and seeing as I haven't been seeing much of you lately, I thought the only way I'd catch a glimpse of you is if you were knocked out."
He was wary, and he didn't know how to act, how to feel. So he fell back to what he knew best.
"Where's your escort?"
"Outside, I managed to bribe him; turns out he's a fan." Aaron smiled, giving him permission to share in the joke, he just felt sick.
"Wow and I thought the police couldn't sink any lower. Gee by the way love the new eye Paps. What, were you trying to pick on some guy smaller then you and turned out he had a really big boyfriend?"
"No, it was self defense. And you should see the other guy; he's in the ICU, bout six feet tall I got a few hits in before the guards were on him."
"Wow, I'm so proud you managed to beat up yet another person less rich and influential then you. So how much did you pay the police to beat the crap out of him?"
Aaron frowned, but ignored his jibe.
"Logan, I know you're in a bad place right now and I'm so sorry son I couldn't be there for you."
"Yeah, shame you weren't there I could have really used your ever comforting presence. Where were you again? Oh yeah in prison for murdering my girlfriend, and attempting to murder my other one."
"Logan, you can't believe that, that I would do something like that."
"Screw the shit, I'm not the press or the public or the police. I've lived with you all my life! I've seen what you can do; I know what you're capable of."
"I didn't do it."
"What and Veronica made it all up and on top of that burned herself for some attention?"
"No, I snapped with Veronica I admit it, but it was only to protect you, our family. I couldn't let them make a circus of our lives just after your mother's death. I promised you I was through with all that."
"And what, killing Lilly, let me guess, you were drunk?"
"I never touched Lilly! We did argued, but then Duncan came and I left."
"Oh, so what, now my best friend killed her? You're framing a seventeen year old for his sister's death? And I thought you couldn't sink any lower."
"Look Logan, can we just forget about all that, I want to talk about you. How are you doing son?"
"Don't pretend like you give a crap about me."
"Look son," Aaron grabbed his arm glaring at him now with that look he knew well. "I don't give a damn about what's going on now. I'm still your father and I made a mistake, but once I'm acquitted we are going to be a family, do you understand me? I'm willing to make up for what I did; now you have to meet me half way. Because Logan, once I'm out, guess who's holding the purse strings again."
He didn't think he could hate anything as much as he hated Aaron just then, hated him because despite everything he still made him feel afraid.
"Let him go."
Aaron turned around, a grin on his face.
"Ah Veronica Mars."
"Let him go."
"With pleasure, I and Logan were just reconciling. So how are you these days?"
"I'll be much better when you're rotting in hell."
"I'd really watch that mouth of yours if I were you." Aaron stepped towards her. "You know your daddy isn't always going to be around."
And before he knew what he was doing he had grabbed Aaron and was slamming the man to the ground and he was on Aaron screaming at him.
"Don't you ever threaten her you bastard." And he was punching Aaron with everything he had. And then suddenly he was punched back and pushed off onto the ground and Aaron stood up and kicked him.
"You little shit, think you're a big man now Logan, huh, think your free? Get in a few blows and your great? That's not fighting son."
And Aaron was hitting him and kicking him and he couldn't breathe, he thought a rib was broken. And all he felt was rage, and all he could see was red. And he tried to get up.
And then Aaron turned and grabbed Veronica's hand with the tazer, and he hit her, hit Veronica. And all Logan saw was red and all he heard was the roaring in his ears.
And he grabbed the tazer and shoved it into Aaron's leg. And then he was on top of him, hitting him and hitting him, and screaming and screaming.
"Don't you ever touch Lillly you bastard. Don't you touch her, don't you touch her. Don't you touch me…Don't you…Don't….."
Then he felt a hand on his arm and he swung around ready to strike, and he was met with her blue eyes.
"Logan, you can stop now…stop."
And he stared down in shock at his bloody knuckles (when did that happen?) and then up at her teary eyes and they were filled with fear, and it made him sick.
"It's all right now, stop…just stop, okay?"
And he holds her, or maybe she holds him.
And then he's sobbing uncontrollably.
And he can't believe it's possible to feel this much pain and still live.
And he can't breathe.
And he doesn't care.
He just wants to stop like she asked.
But he can't stop because he was messed up beyond recognition
And he didn't know how to find his way back, or if he even knew what normal was in the first place.
And he thought it might take him a lifetime to find out.
And that was screwed up.
"Did your father give you that black eye Logan?"
"No, I gave it to myself for the fun of it."
"Why did you call out Lilly's name when you told him not to touch her?"
"Gee maybe it's because he slept with her, or because he murdered her. Pick one. Do you ever do any work? Cause it seems like I'm the one always answering the questions."
"Why did you tell him not to touch you?"
"God, what, did Veronica give you a blow by blow action on how it happened?"
"No it was actually Mr. Echoll's police escort."
"Always the rat."
"Did your father use to hit you?"
"If hugs and kisses are considered hitting, well golly Ms every damn day!"
"He seemed extremely violent."
"Yeah, maybe you should go talk to him."
"His hearings soon, how do you feel about that?"
"Gee, doc, pretty dandy."
"Do you want him to receive the death penalty?"
Silence.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because deaths too good for him…sorry was that too clichéd? Now can I ask you a question? Do you now, or have you ever thought he's cute?'
"Were talking about you Logan."
"Thought so."
"I didn't answer."
"Didn't have to, how can't you love the amazing Aaron Echoll's?"
"Would you resent that?"
"I resent you asking so many questions."
"Do you blame yourself for Lilly's death, because you never told anyone?"
"Screw you."
"Thought so."
""Wow, look who's got a sense of humor."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Do you want to hear about it and all its sordid details?"
"No, not really."
Surprise and a bit of curiosity.
"Why then?"
"You're a seventeen year old kid Logan, you don't belong here. I want to help you to move on."
"I don't belong anywhere."
"Who told you that?"
"The universe."
"Well the universe is a bitch."
An involuntary smile.
"Yeah, she is."
He gets discharged, and he's a free man, and he doesn't know what the hell to do.
Everything rushes by like a blur. And he's sitting in the house, that stinking shit hole, and he wishes he wasn't, not today of all days.
He goes to his room and puts on her CD, the mix she had made for him and he lies down and he stares at the ceiling, and he's so empty. And then theirs a knock at the door, and Mrs. Navarro asks him if he wants anything, he doesn't answer her and eventually she goes away.
And he drinks because he doesn't have anything else to do.
And then there's another knock on the door, a more persistent one, and he still doesn't bother to get up, and then there's rattling, and then the door swings open.
Veronica's standing there, staring at him, and he stares back.
She switches on the nearby lamp and he hadn't realized it was pitch black, it was night.
"Hi."
"You know I think that's called breaking and entering."
"Yeah."
She walks in.
"You never told me you were being discharged today."
"Did you really want to know?"
"Of course I did Logan."
He sighs and lies back on the bed.
"Well I'm not dead, you can go now."
She ignores him, comes near the bed and tentatively lies down next to him.
They lie there, listening to the song.
"Its that mix tape she made."
She laughs.
"I was there when she made it you know, she said it was to tide you over when you guys were in one of your off stages."
He's silent.
"She cared about you, you know."
"I loved her."
"So did I."
Silence.
"I've missed you."
"I didn't go anywhere."
"Haven't you?"
He doesn't answer.
"I can wait till you get back."
"What if it takes a lifetime?"
"I can wait."
"She never could."
"She was a hurricane."
"That's why she was amazing."
Silence.
"I miss her."
"So do I."
She takes his hand and holds it, and they lay like that for a while.
Then there's the trial, and he stands alone as he is proclaimed innocent,
And the paparazzi are mobbing him, and he walks through them alone.
And he gets into the limo alone.
And then he feels Veronica's hand grasp his and despite everything he feels better then he has in a long time.
He walks through the halls, Veronicas is out of town doing some PI stuff or whatever.
And there are some stares and whispers, and Weevils gang glares at him and some people make noises like a cuckoo clock. And he gets a feeling of what it would have felt like to be Veronica and he hates himself even more.
But he pretends like nothing happens, and he grins, and he blows kisses to Weevil and he swaggers, because that's how he dealt.
And at lunch time when he went to the 09er table there was a pause, tension, and then Dick comes along and starts telling some stupid joke and the tension diffuses and he's top dog again. Duncan's more quiet then usual, and attempts to get him alone to talk, but he ignores him and sticks with Dick, because Dick never talked about anything serious.
And he still got the occasional snicker, or snide comment, but he was the king and so they were always said when he couldn't hear.
And he has a ton of work he has to do to catch up.
And then he goes behind the shed to get some air, because even though he's dealing he's not really, and he gets jumped, and that one called Thumper holds a knife to his throat and he thinks this'll be the end, and he finds he doesn't really care.
But then someone's shouting and they scatter and Duncan comes running up, staring down at him. And he holds out his hand and helps him up.
"They must have thought you were a teacher, with that outfit of yours.
"What happened?"
"They jumped me."
"Unprovoked?"
"Well beside them thinking I killed their friend, yeah."
"Logan wait."
"What do you want?"
"Don't go looking for trouble with them."
"Why thanks sir, I'll be sure to remember that advice."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Me, absolutely nothings wrong with me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, see you around I suppose, you know maybe in between classes if we catch a glimpse."
"Logan."
He ignores him and keeps walking. Duncan didn't follow, he never could understand.
He sees Dick a while later, grabs him and pulls him into an empty classroom.
"Hey, this afternoon get a gang together and meet at my house all right?"
"You got a keg?"
"Yeah, and I thought we could have some fun, you know, a night on the town."
There's booze, lots of it, and numbness and laughter and fire. And in that moment he feels like he's not even trying anymore.
And then she's talking to him, telling him how she's can't do this anymore, and she's crying and she's talking about the fire at the public pool and he feels like he can't breathe. And then before he knows it he's smashing the lamp, and Keith has him against the wall and it hurts to know that Keith would even think he could hurt Veronica. And then he was stumbling out and driving away, and he's speeding and he finds himself stopping at the bridge.
He sits there and stares, and then slowly he turns around the car and goes back. Because all he could see was that fear in her eyes, and he didn't' deserve the easy way out.
And he locks himself in his house and he won't see anyone, and he doesn't go to school, and he sits in the dark and gets smashed and listens to Lilly's mix tape, because he wants to be young again.
"Hi."
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm not going to let you wallow in self pity because of me."
"Get out of here."
"God, you look pathetic. And you smell too."
"What, come to insult me after screwing with my heart? Gee you're something."
"Logan I didn't want to hurt you."
"Yeah, well you did a bang up job without trying."
"Were not good for each other, can't you see that."
"No I'm not good for you or maybe not good enough?"
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to."
"It's for the best."
"What and is this better?"
"Its better it hurts now, then later "
"Are you afraid of me?"
"No."
"Liar."
"I'm afraid of losing you."
"Well newsflash, I don't think my life can get any more screwed up then it is."
"Yes it can."
"How?"
"You could be dead."
"And that's so bad?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Silence.
"I love you."
He leaves himself vulnerable again.
And he waits for a response.
He would wait a lifetime for her response.
But it never comes, there's just more silence.
"Just leave already"
She goes to the door, pauses.
"Come to school on Monday."
"Why?"
"Because, you'll get in trouble if you don't."
"In trouble or into?"
"Both."
"I don't care."
Silence, the tape plays.
"She would have thought you were pathetic you know."
"Do you?"
"Honestly Logan I don't know anymore."
"And I can't care anymore."
She leaves.
He dreams of Lilly and remembers. He's by the pool again and she's sitting on top of him grinning. She pulls off his shirt and he lets her because nobody else is home.
And the only thing in the world right then was her.
And then she's touching his back and she feels the scars.
"Where did you get these from?"
"Surfing."
The lie comes easy and she doesn't spare it another thought, and she continues to kiss him. Because her world wasn't filled with Logan, never had been. When she was around there was only one person you could think of.
And then she's sitting up.
"God the sun's so hot I've got like a migraine or something."
And she's touching her head.
"Ewww..what's this?"
And there's blood running down her skull, and she turns to him.
"Hey Logan, where did I get this from?"
And he knows the answer.
"Surfing."
She shrugs. "Oh, all right."
And then Aarons behind her with an ashtray and he can't call out, and she doesn't know the danger she's in, never knew… and then…nothing.
And then Dick comes over and somehow he comes out of his house shaved and in a new outfit. It's hard to be depressed when Dick was around…he just never understood. And for some reason now he decides he wants a party.
"Hey thanks for coming really appreciate it, great shirt, nice to see you, hey give me your number later."
He works the room, the music thumps from the sound system, and he smiles and drinks deeply from the bottle in his hand, and smiles some more.
"Hey dude great party."
"Thanks Dick, so have you seen Duncan?"
"No, not yet. Hey I was wondering could I use one of the spare rooms, Madison's feeling a bit hot if you know what I mean."
"Yeah sure whatever just make sure it's a spare room dude."
"Sweet."
He walks around the room and looks for his best friends face, but he's not there. And he finds he's looking for that other face, that blue eyed blonde haired girl, and he was thinking about her, not the one from his nightmares, but the one from his dreams.
And then he finds the alcohols too much for him, and the pressed bodies and the faked smiling, so he quickly gets into a room, any room he can find and shuts the door and concentrates on breathing. He slumps to the ground, in and out he thinks, in and out. He waits for his head to stop spinning, until he was sure he wouldn't be sick.
He looks up, and Aarons staring at him from all the walls.
He swears, of all the rooms in the house he chose the frigging torture chamber.
And he gets up, he hasn't been here in a while and he scrabbles for the door handle, unable to take his eyes off the room as if some danger was going to jump out at him.
"Hey doophus."
He turns and stares, and Lilly stood there in her pep squad uniform.
"God what is with you guys and this outfit," she looks down at the uniform. "I thought you at least had a bit more imagination then that. Then again I suppose I'm not the one you're fantasizing about anymore."
He stares at her, unable to tear his eyes away.
"God Logan, always with the intense looks."
"God…I miss you."
"Christ, get over it and stop being so pathetic."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, aren't we all"
"I'm sorry …. It should have been me."
"Always with the dramatics. Stop being so self absorbed. And do you really wish you were the one who got his brain smashed in? I mean I don't think you could really carry the look, even I find it difficult at times."
"What do you want?"
"I'm a vengeful spirit. Don't look so scared I'm kidding with you. You used to be fun, what happened?"
"You left."
"Sorry, but I kind of had to. That doesn't mean you have to stop living for Christ sake. I mean I know I was like totally amazing but you've got Donut and Dick and all that. And you've got Veronica."
"Not anymore."
"You were being an ass, but you guys are like meant for each other."
"That's what you said about us."
"I was more naïve then. But you know it wouldn't have worked out between us Logan, your like too intense, you give too much of yourself. Too much responsibility to hold someone's soul…but Ronnie she's the type of girl that loves that."
"I miss you heaps. I love you."
"Yeah, well if you really did you'd stop moping around Logan and start living. You didn't kill me, okay, now deal."
"Lilly I…"
Suddenly the door slammed open pushing Logan, he turned around and quickly looked towards where Lilly had been standing, and she was gone.
"Get out," he snarled.
"Woah, sorry man we were just."
"Get out now before I rearrange your face."
"Fine, freak."
And he feels anger burn inside him, because no, he wasn't the one to kill her. And then he grabs the baseball bat off the wall, the one signed by some player, worth thousands. He starts smashing up Aaron's room and the pictures of his smug face, and he wishes he could smash Aaron up and make Aaron break like he had.
"Logan…Logan stop."
Duncan's grabbing his shirt, shaking him, shaking him. And the bats splintered and broken, and there's glass everywhere and he has a cut above his eye.
And he stares in shock and people hanging around the doorway stare back, and there's gasps and whispering.
"He killed her."
"Yeah I know man, but he's in jail all right, so give me the bat."
"It's worth a bout a grand."
"Not anymore."
And then Logan bursts out laughing, and Duncan gives shaky grin and quickly takes the bat from him.
His house burnt down a few weeks later, and he didn't really care either way.
It was never a home.
And he heard the pool house, had been given special treatment, the mattress was cut, the windows broken, the walls smashed. He knew Weevil had done it,
And he thought maybe Lilly was right about them not being meant for each other, because he'd never had the strength to go in there after he found out. But he guessed someone who really loved her that way couldn't help it, because as long as it stood whole they were twisted inside.
And he could understand that.
"Duncan's not around so…"
She comes in anyway.
"Why didn't you tell me about the party?"
"Maybe because I didn't want you to know."
Silence.
"So like I was saying before we really should make up code words, for when you and Donut are busy. Insert air quotes there."
"Please, don't make me sick."
"Gee, I knew he wasn't that great, but I didn't think he'd make you physically ill."
"You're the one sleeping with Kendell Casablanca's."
"Well, what can I say I'm just so experienced and great in…"
"Don't, okay."
'I told you Duncan's not in, so…"
"What are you doing here?"
"Ah, I'm here because my house was burnt down."
"No, I mean why didn't you get your own room."
"It's cheaper this way. Why jealous I didn't call you?"
She doesn't answer.
"Well in case you hadn't notice your dad doesn't like me all that much, and I never do well with Dads."
"Why did you smash up his office?"
"Because I hate him, does there have to be any other reason?"
"I'm still waiting."
"So am I."
Silence.
The door opens and Duncan comes in, and he and Veronica sit on the couch and watch videos, and their love is sweet and superficial like teenage love is. And Logan knows Lilly was right, she was the type of girl that wanted you to give a part of yourself. And she was waiting for that more.
Then Duncan was gone, and Logan was staring at an empty hotel room.
He didn't' know how it happened, how he blinked and suddenly his best friend was a dad and a fugitive. He missed Duncan, but at least Duncan was doing the right thing.
But it did seem an awful lot like everyone he cared about was leaving.
And he was stuck in Neptune, drifting without a purpose, and he felt empty inside.
"Hey Beav,"
"It's Cassidy."
"Uh, Dicks not here yet so…"
"Yeah I know, I was just wondering if I could hang for a bit."
"All right…"
They sit down and eat popcorn and stare at the T.V.
"So what have you been doing?"
"Nothing much. Any reason you're here?"
"I was wondering….about…you?"
"What are you checking up on me or something? Did Veronica send you?"
"No, don't worry about it okay."
"No wait, I'm just joking around dude. Come on, ask away."
"I was wondering…if you hate him?"
Logan paused.
"Yeah…why do you ask?"
"I was just…wondering you know."
"Planning on being a psych Beav?"
"No."
Silence, he sighed and put down the popcorn.
"Obviously something is eating away at you, so talk."
"Would you kill him?"
It bursts out of Beaver and they both stared shocked.
"Since when have you been so intense Beav?"
"Forget about it, I'm sorry I'll go."
"I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know…I suppose that's the worst thing not knowing."
"But you hate him don't you."
"But hating someone and killing them…they're two different things Beav."
"Right, sure…"
Silence.
"I think knowing would be worse."
He looks at him, and suddenly he's not just seeing Dick's nerdy little brother Beaver anymore, he's seeing Cassidy who looks like he's feeling a bit of the same thing he is, and who desperately needs someone to understand.
"Hey Cassidy is anything wro…."
The door burst open.
"Hey Logan you've got to come see this, like the hottest chicks in the world are standing outside right now."
And then that Cassidy the kid was gone, and awkward Beaver Dicks little brother gave him a rueful smile and followed his older brother to the balcony.
And the months go by in a haze, and he's looking at Veronica in that dance and regretting everything he did.
And then he's pouring out his heart to her, and he remembers it, he remembers every word of that speech because it was from his soul.
But she was right, and love shouldn't have to be that hard for her, because she was whole.
So he pretends like he doesn't remember and he hates himself, but he knew he didn't deserve her, because he was too broken and he couldn't find a good enough shattered piece that he could give to her.
And he's on that graduating podium, the first Echolls to graduate from high school.
And he watches as others hug their parents.
And he goes to his hotel room alone and prepares for the party.
He told himself he didn't care.
Then they were on that roof, and he was staring at Cassidy, that kid he'd seen sitting next to him, talking about hate.
And he understands now, but it's too late.
And he wishes he could save him, because Cassidy wasn't the one who did all those bad things that twisted person Beaver was.
And then Cassidy steps off the roof, and Logan is powerless and he stares after him, and he holds Veronica (because his first instinct was to protect her, always to protect her.)
But he thinks, that he recognized them Beaver and Cassidy, because he was like them twisted and screwed up, but he was broken too.
And he understands, and he hates that he does.
And all he can think is that Cassidy just stepped off that roof, because that's what you did when you had nothing to lose. And he realized he wasn't that far gone, because at least he had one thing left, one person who understood.
Because he realizes like him she was a little bit broken too.
A life for a life, his father was dead and Veronica's was alive.
He thought it a fair exchange.
And a part of him was glad,
And a part of him regretted that he didn't suffer more, didn't get to match him blow for blow.
And what he saw as the most screwed and twisted up part of him inside, deep inside,
Felt a bit of grief.
And he hated that.
"Did you try to stop my brother when he jumped?"
He avoids the question, because did he really try to save Cassidy that day? And he could have saved him long ago if he'd seen and said something, like he could have saved Lilly. And then he recognizes that look in Dick's eyes, it was guilt, because Dick could have saved Cassidy too.
He looks after Dick, because that's what Dick had done for him.
But they don't talk about it again, because it's too painful.
And he knew Dick would never get over the guilt, you never did, but he'd learn to deal and he'd move on, because that's what you had to do.
At Parkers birthday he thought about Lilly. If she was still alive her cake would have been enormous, amazing, and magnificent. He would have invited some famous singer to her party. He would have bought her a diamond necklace and jewels. But that was Lilly, she always wanted that. She was big and loud, and everything else had to be too.
Parker was quieter, but she liked a bit of attention, and Logan gave her that, the corny, the sweet, the typical superficial love. When he had seen Veronica and Duncan he didn't understand how she could do that, the superficial thing, when she'd felt the real deal, the intense, the giving, love on epic proportions. But now he realized, when you were broken and your super glue was no where to be found you needed someone sweet to be the glue, if only for a little while. Parker was his temporary glue he supposed.
He thought of Lilly but who he really thought about was Veronica.
On her birthday he'd hired a boat, and they'd gone just the two of them to a small island and enjoyed a candle lit dinner. He'd made a tape for her, and he'd danced with her, slow and sweet. And they watched the stars, and then they watched the sun come up. Because that was Veronica, she loved and she wanted to see your soul and know that you loved too.
He'd given Veronica everything he had, but it wasn't enough, because he was just broken pieces, and there were some missing. He'd given Veronica them all though…but the problem was she never gave him some of hers. He didn't care; not really, he'd do anything for her without anything in return.
But he thought maybe he never really deserved her and deep inside he'd known that.
That was him, he chose the path of self destruction, because he didn't' know any other way.
And he never wished he didn't care about her.
He would live with that pain,
Because he couldn't live without that love.
He sees that guy mouth off at Veronica and he didn't care, not about how connected the guy was, or what would happen to him, all he cared about was Veronica.
So he smashed the guy and he forced him to apologize.
And he laughed at death, because yeah, he would die someday, but not today and not soon.
And then he looks at her and he sees that look in her eyes he hasn't seen in a while and all those feelings she's tried to forget.
And she looks at him, really looks at him for the first time.
And he turns to Piz, and apologizes and then he leaves, because he figures he should be the better man for once. But he catches Piz' look at her before he does, and he knows its over between them, because you can't fight that sort of thing, he knows.
He goes to the door, and she's standing there and he takes her in his arms and kisses her before she can say a word.
"I should feel bad about doing that, but I don't."
"Neither do I."
And he looks at her and he can't believe anyone could feel this euphoric, and he finally understands what content means, with her in his arms.
"Piz broke up with me."
"Parker broke up with me."
"I know," she smiles, "That was the point."
And he kisses her again, but she pulls away.
"Wait, I have to say something first. When I saw you standing there Logan…I realized…you love me."
"Wow, really, I never would have guessed."
"Hey watch out, I'm your only protection once that guy flexes his connected muscles."
"Warning heeded."
He kisses her again, and then he pulls away because she's crying.
"This is what it should be like."
"Epic?"
She laughs between the tears and then she looks at him, really looks at him.
"I love you."
"Gee a thing a girl will say to get some."
"I love you, I really love you."
And then there kissing again, but she pulls away once more.
"Wait, don't you want to say something to me first."
"Always and forever"
"Always and forever?"
"That's how long I've loved you."
"A long time then?"
"A lifetime."
Inspired by the fanfiction One flew over the Echolls nest by Wynn. Near the end I sort of rambled, sorry. I'm also sorry the endings kind of corny and rushed.I don't know it's so disjointed and is a monster of a story a bit like a soap opera, though I tried not to make it clichéd. But if anyone actually bothers to read it all I thankyou. I'm totally obsessed with Logan's character and what can I say I'm a sucker for angst. Please review. And I was also wondering, was Woody Goodman hitting on Logan in the weight room? Because that was pretty weird ewww (shudders.)
Anyway lol I read too much into things. Please review and I'll be eternally grateful.
Also I don't know what to call this, that's like a substitute title so if anyone could think of anything better please tell me.
Sairra : P