Disclaimer: Stephenie owns all. (A/N: Small Oneshot, Bella during New Moon.)
Staring Aimlessly
x
She stares at the wall,
Ignoring all comments or questions thrown her way because the words "Bella are you alright?" seem to grow old and mean less to her. What more can she do but give them a inconvincible nod and continue to stare straight ahead.
She doesn't realize it, but something in the back of her head is telling her she's scaring them.
She laughs humourlessly when she thinks of herself as scary. She has seen much more scary things, and images of red eyes, broken glass and an empty forest come to mind.
She stops laughing and stares at her shoes.
She counts her steps as she walks, calculating how far of a step she is taking, it keeps her mind busy. She wonders, with each distant of a step how hard it would be to keep going, to keep going until there is nowhere else to go.
She stops walking and stands in the middle of the hallway.
"Bella what's wrong?"
"Are you ok?"
"Are you lost?"
She is silent as she looks at the pitiful faces surrounding her. She doesn't care much for them or their thoughts on her. She knew what was wrong, she knows she's not ok, and yes for some reason she does feel lost but the answers do not escape her lips for fear of someone figuring it out.
Realizing that even though it had been several months, the words "No I am not alright." Still lie on her tongue.
She locks her lips as tight as she can and turns away. They are mocking her with every glance, with every half-hearted pat on the back or rub on the shoulder. They mock her with every question.
She stops listening and turns her back on their worried faces.
She stays home that night and decides to watch a movie. She throws the heart constricting, gushy, beautiful romantic movies aside with a harsh force and reaches to the back of the shelf, through the dust and cobwebs to pull out the scariest movie of all.
She doesn't flinch at the pop out parts, or when the main character got his head cut off, because she couldn't seem to find anything scary about this movie. She could have watched it over and over again and still wouldn't have nightmares about it.
Because only one scary story fills her head at night.
It's the only thing that can wake her up screaming.
But I guess that's one of the few advantages of living a nightmare.
She turns off the TV and stares at the black screen for awhile, for once not caring what ran through her mind.
She remembers it all painfully and regrets to ever wanting to bring it to mind in the first place. But she knows that half of her is screaming 'don't forget.'
So she relives the memories as they pass through like snapshots from a camera, the funny, the happy, and then…the end.
And even though it rips her heart apart, and leaves a hole in her chest, she could never regret being apart of it. Being apart of him.
Once again her vision is blurred by tears and a strangled sob escapes her chest but she still continues to choke a stern laugh when she thinks of all those times he said she didn't deserve him.
Because she cannot believe that in the end, he would be the one to go running.
The tears pour over, and the more sobs escape her lips, still looking at the black TV and wishing for yesterday,
Because she could stop thinking of him,
But maybe she would never stop caring.
x
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