Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: Macao and Wakaba discuss the potential wife material in the guild. Gray helps with a little input. [Gruvia implied oneshot]
Author's note: This is just a silly idea I couldn't get out of my head. So I wrote it down ;)
Wife Material
By Momo Cicerone
One lazy afternoon, Gray was sitting in his favorite table at the guild bar. The week had gone without major events happening, the most notorious being Erza's frail attempt to teach Natsu hand-to-hand combat, which was taking place right now at the corner of the bar. She'd invite him to participate too, but he declined politely. Being publicly executed was definitely not in his to-do list.
And so the ice mage sat in his table, a cool beer in his hand as he eyed at the little commotion caused by the unmatched battle between Titania and the Fire Dragon Slayer.
He was starting to doze off and decided to call it a day when Macao's words caught his attention.
"I say, it's not easy to find good wife material these days." Gray heard him comment from the table right next to him, a hint of disappointment clear in his voice.
Wakaba roared a laugh. "Don't tell me you're still on the hunting! At your age? That's delusional!"
Macao laughed apologetically. "Is it? Just saying, just saying…"
"Well, it ain't that hard if you're for the hunt. I dare say there's plenty of wife material right here right now."
Oi, oi… this conversation should be interesting. Gray decided he wasn't that tired after all. Maybe what he needed was more beer.
"You mean in the Guild?" Macao asked. "We have a lot of pretty girls, I guess."
"Pretty just won't cut it." The smoking mage denied. "She has to be gentle too. Nothing more scarier than a cranky wife." He got closer to Macao and whispered. "Trust me. Experience's voice talking here."
Gray almost choke on his beer when he heard Macao whisper back. "Then I guess Erza-chan is not for the running." Wakaba looked at his friend for a split of a second and they both barked a hysterical laughter.
"Well, aren't you two having a good time?" Said a kind voice, and they both froze at the sight of Mirajane, who arrived wearing her signature smile in her face and holding a tray of new cold beverages.
Gray could almost feel the two men tense and sweat-drop. "S-Sure thing. Just two old men chatting, ya know."
"Hum…" Mirajane shot them a wary look before standing tall with a dark shadow darkening her face. "Not gossiping about us girls, I hope." She said in a dangerous tone.
"N-Not at all!" They hurried to say.
Gray smiled to himself. They were so screwed.
"Very well, then." She said, smiling and turning back to her old self. "You guys keep having fun!" She replaced their empty glasses and walked away merrily.
"Whew, that was close!" Macao sighed in relieve before collapsing in the wooden table.
"Tsk, tsk." He gestured towards Mirajane, who was chatting at another table. "You see what I mean? Nothing scarier than a short-tempered, cranky wife."
"Disqualified!" They echoed and laughed in unison.
Gray sweat dropped from his seat. This two were incorrigible. Chances were if either Erza or Mirajane heard them talking, they'd suffer a slow, painful death.
"I guess you're right. It can't be that difficult, looking for a beautiful and gentle lady to fall in love with."
"You think that's the whole package?"
"What, there's more?" The forth master blinked at his friend.
"After twenty years of marriage, my friend, I suggest you find a hottie."
This time Gray truly chocked on his beer. The beverage went up to his nose and he was coughing for air. An unwelcoming flush raised to his cheeks, not sure if it was due to the choking or the conversation itself.
Macao, on the other hand, laughed wholeheartedly. "You're such a perv. And a old perv, I must say."
My thoughts exactly. Gray thought to himself.
"I'm sorry, haven't you taken a look at my wife lately?" Wakaba said grimly.
"Lust won't last forever. You can't just marry a bimbo."
"Not saying that. Of course she should have wits too."
"Alright, then, a beautiful and gentle lady who is also hot looking and smart." Macao conceded.
"You got it!" Wakaba said raising his beer for a toast. His friend copied him.
Macao scanned over the guild. "Ain't we being a little picky? There won't be much to choose for at the end."
"We're talking about women to marry right here. It's a life commitment. One's gottta be picky!"
"I thought you said we could find some good material here. Now I'm not so sure."
"What'ya talking about?"
"Take Levi-chan for example, cute looking and nice temper, definitely smart and everything… but hot?"
"Anything standing beside my wife would look hot."
"You're too cruel!"
"I'm just being honest."
"What do you think, Gray?"
Gray had faced deadly situations in the past, and many times he'd been lucky to escape by the skin of this teeth. None of those occasions, however, were as deadly as the God dammed beer which had somehow managed to choke him three times in the past five minutes.
He took his time to recover from his embarrassment before addressing them back. "Huh? Me?"
"Yeah, you sure were listening."
"I don't… I have my own requirements, I guess." He said nonchalantly, scratching his cheek with his index finger and looking away.
"Like what?" Wakaba pushed.
"Hum…" Oh, screw it. Deadly or not, he needed another sip of the evil drink in his hand. He took a mouthful before answering. "Like she shouldn't have any unhealthy addictions."
"Like that one over there?" Wakaba gestured towards Canna, who was finishing her second barrel of beer and rudely tossed it away. Gray nodded in agreement. "That's a good example."
"What else?"
Must he keep talking about this subject? Like, seriously, this was really awkward. He looked at the two elder mages, who were staring at him expectantly. He mentally sighed.
"She shouldn't be narcissist or overly confident. That just turns me off."
Macao chuckled. "Then I guess Evergreen's type is not your cup of tea."
Gray cringed. "You guessed right."
"You have some good points here." Wakaba said flashing a grin. "But we're missing a crucial one."
"What's that?" Macao wondered.
"She should be a good cook." The smoking mage said as he watched Lucy, Lissana and Juvia come out of the guild kitchen, each holding a tray of freshly baked bread.
"Ahhh… mine got burned pretty bad." Lucy moaned. "Oi, Natsu! Finish them off!"
"Why me?" Complained the dragon slayer, who looked rather beaten up but nonetheless he was already stuffing his mouth with several pieces at the same time.
"Onee-san! Mine didn't raise well." Cried the silver haired girl, holding up what looked like a tray of multi-limbed, deformed potatoes.
"It's a man's job to eat them all!" Elfman replied proudly while taking a handful.
"Just when you thought you found the one…" Macao sighed.
"Gray-sama!" Juvia hurried to the table where Gray sat, a broad smile in her face. "I baked these for you." She held the tray of perfectly baked rolls in front of him. Gray mentally thanked his face was not in them, or he wouldn't survive the embarrassment.
"Yeap." He could practically hear the smile in Wakaba's voice. "That's wife material right here."
"Heh?" Juvia tilted her head in confusion.
"Shut up." Gray muttered between his teeth, his cheek flushing wildly.
And despite the fact that he mentally searched for anything to override that statement, Gray couldn't help but agree with the laughing men.
Fin.
Author's note2: Ahhh… I don't know… it's kinda weird, isn't it? I'm sorry if you didn't get it. I guess I should stop writing random stuff (I got an awful lot of drabbles), I'm just too lazy and too afraid to start a multi chapter story (and risk leaving it unfinished with a lot of hatemail). English is not my first language, I'm sorry for the grammar mistakes. Your reviews will forever be enormously appreciated!