Ronon was a little confused as he left the computer lab. Apparently he was in a relationship. Normally he was quite aware of when this happened. The perks were a bit of a giveaway, the kissing, the cuddling, the arguments but most importantly, the sex. And Ronon was apparently in a relationship without knowing it because the aforementioned things had not happened. At all. Well, okay, the cuddling maybe, but that was an ice planet that they were trapped on, and he was putting that down to the cold. Not that he'd object if it happened again. Not at all. But it hadn't. And it wasn't right or fair. If Ronon had anything to do with it, it was going to change. Today.
Which is why Ronon was watching the mess line like a hawk at lunch. Watching that messy black hair get it's lunch to be precise.
"Uh, Ronon?" McKay muttered. "You know murder is illegal right?"
"Yes." Ronon frowned down at McKay. What was the little man babbling on about now?
Sheppard chose that moment to thunk his tray down on the table. "One of these days, the Military is actually going to create a potato substitute that doesn't look or smell like Rodney's shoes." He poked the grey stuff suspiciously as it hung onto his spoon tenaciously. "Or the consistency."
"It's not so bad." Teyla said as she spooned up what looked to be red gloop.
Sheppard frowned at it for a moment before smiling. "That's more ketchup than anything else!"
"Try it Colonel." Teyla pushed the bottle to him.
Suspiciously, Sheppard mixed a bit in. Teyla rolled her eyes at him as he took the teeniest bite. He looked surprised. "Actually edible." He proceeded to empty the ketchup on the grey goop.
"Sheppard?" Ronon said in what appeared to be a lull in conversation. Carson was trying to teach him 'tact' and 'timing'.
"Mnhmm?" Came the muffled response as Sheppard has his mouth full.
"Why aren't we having sex?" Ronon frowned.
Sheppard choked. And coughed. And choked some more. Teyla all but having to perform the Heimlich on him, as she frowned across at Ronon. McKay had gone very very still. Very pale and still. "Wha-?"Sheppard's face was close to purple as he sucked in great gasps of air.
"Shouldn't a relationship have-" Ronon searched for the word. "perks?"
"Relationship?" Sheppard muttered dumbfounded. McKay chose that moment to try to quietly edge off the bench. Eyes pinned McKay to the bench shrewdly. "Sit down McKay." There was steel in his voice.
"The computer says we're in a relationship." Ronon frowned. "Are we?"
McKay was even paler if that was possible. He had to get out of there. "Perhaps you two would like to have this conversation in private? You know, not the mess hall?"
Sheppard looked around, almost absently at the now silent staring mess hall. Not a single breathe was taken in that moment by anyone. "Computer?" Sheppard breathed out, eyes returning to McKay. He steepled his fingers together, resting his chin on them.
"Wasn't me. Was not me. Not me. Nonononono." McKay babbled trying to sink through the floor.
"You knew about this, before Ronon stumbled on it." Sheppard smiled, a baring of all his teeth like a shark.
"Maybe?" McKay muttered, looking at the floor. "But I can't control it. Nope. Free speech."
"Show me." Sheppard stood up gracefully, like a throwing knife about to plunge into someone's soft belly. "After you McKay." His tone was like silk covered steel. His eyes swept over the still motionless mess hall. "Anyone else know anything about my relationship status that I do not?" The words were painstakingly evenly bitten off. The mess hall was suddenly very loud as people found conversations and things to do that were vitally important to Pegasus security. Sheppard all but stalked McKay out of the mess hall.
"So, are we?" Ronon questioned Teyla quietly. "I wouldn't mind."
Teyla shrugged. How would she know? These Atlanteans were strange people.
"Fuck." Was the only word breathed as McKay booted up the last page Ronon had been looking at. Fanfiction. It was every combination of people yet the one page Ronon had found when having his first 'surf' of the internet, was of a rather explicit moment between Ronon and Sheppard. "Ban it, block it, delete it. Just get rid of it." He snapped at a sweating McKay as he marched out of the room. Who knew that simply typing in 'Pegasus Galaxy, Atlantis' would yield such bind boggling things.
He needed to go for a run. Or a cold shower. Or both. And maybe have his memory erased. But maybe something to be considered? Nope. Cold shower first. Definitely.