Strictly Forbidden
By: Olivia
"Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony."-
Samuel Taylor Coleridge-"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."-John Fitzgerald Kenney
I had to leave. It would be dawn soon. Looking at myself in the mirror as I pulled a clump of red hair behind my ear, I realized how horrible I looked. I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten a decent night's sleep.
I walked out of the bathroom and put my jacket on. I let a small, brief smile play across my lips as I looked at Mulder sleeping peacefully on his bed.
I had left a note for him. I didn't want him to think I was slipping out and regretted what we had done. I had no regrets. I just need to get back to my apartment and change into something more comfortable, and clean, for work. We were both due at the office soon, and from the looks of it we were both going to be late. Besides, it wouldn't be good for appearances if we started riding into work together. My apartment is not even on Mulder's way to work.
Later Mulder and I discussed what had happened and what would happen to us as only two mature adults who were forbidden by work regulations to be intimate can do. There was no going back. The line was crossed. We could either move forward in our relationship or call it quits now. And there was no way we were calling it quits. I could not go back to feeling lonely even with Mulder by my side. This was my piece of normalcy. Mulder was my center in my world of chaos and I wasn't about to let him slip away.
And so our relationship became our secret from the world. We didn't even tell the people we trusted. The risk was too great. If we were found out, it would put our lives and careers on the line. We would either be dead or reassigned separately to other divisions, which was as good as being dead. We had been separated before and it had been one of the worst periods of my life.
We were good at keeping our secret. We were FBI partners. It was not unusual for us to spend evenings and weekends together. But we were true to ourselves and our work. We did not mix business with pleasure as the saying goes. We were always professionals.
And then we went back to Oregon and my world came crashing down about me. I had come full circle. I realized that the moment I found myself shivering, knocking on Mulder's motel door. I was as frightened as I had been seven years earlier. Here I was again, seeking comfort from this man. Only last time he had been my partner of a few days; today he was my partner of seven years.
This time I verbally thanked him for his comfort. We didn't talk as we had talked years ago-with me on his bed and him sitting on the floor. We talked with me under his blankets and his arms wrapped around me.
I realized I could be vulnerable and let Mulder in without losing anything. It was okay to be weak in front of him. He would not think less of me or treat me differently. Mulder would be concerned and overprotective of me as he had always been-no more, no less. He knew I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I had nothing to prove to him. I had built walls to strengthen me, but they had only weakened me by shutting Mulder out. It had taken me seven years to learn this lesson.
And now Mulder has been taken from me. I am alone carrying his child. Do I regret walking this path with him? Do I regret all the times we had done things our way instead of falling in line with FBI protocol? No. We always did what was strictly forbidden and I for one would have it no other way.
By: Olivia
"Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony."-
Samuel Taylor Coleridge-"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."-John Fitzgerald Kenney
I had to leave. It would be dawn soon. Looking at myself in the mirror as I pulled a clump of red hair behind my ear, I realized how horrible I looked. I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten a decent night's sleep.
I walked out of the bathroom and put my jacket on. I let a small, brief smile play across my lips as I looked at Mulder sleeping peacefully on his bed.
I had left a note for him. I didn't want him to think I was slipping out and regretted what we had done. I had no regrets. I just need to get back to my apartment and change into something more comfortable, and clean, for work. We were both due at the office soon, and from the looks of it we were both going to be late. Besides, it wouldn't be good for appearances if we started riding into work together. My apartment is not even on Mulder's way to work.
Later Mulder and I discussed what had happened and what would happen to us as only two mature adults who were forbidden by work regulations to be intimate can do. There was no going back. The line was crossed. We could either move forward in our relationship or call it quits now. And there was no way we were calling it quits. I could not go back to feeling lonely even with Mulder by my side. This was my piece of normalcy. Mulder was my center in my world of chaos and I wasn't about to let him slip away.
And so our relationship became our secret from the world. We didn't even tell the people we trusted. The risk was too great. If we were found out, it would put our lives and careers on the line. We would either be dead or reassigned separately to other divisions, which was as good as being dead. We had been separated before and it had been one of the worst periods of my life.
We were good at keeping our secret. We were FBI partners. It was not unusual for us to spend evenings and weekends together. But we were true to ourselves and our work. We did not mix business with pleasure as the saying goes. We were always professionals.
And then we went back to Oregon and my world came crashing down about me. I had come full circle. I realized that the moment I found myself shivering, knocking on Mulder's motel door. I was as frightened as I had been seven years earlier. Here I was again, seeking comfort from this man. Only last time he had been my partner of a few days; today he was my partner of seven years.
This time I verbally thanked him for his comfort. We didn't talk as we had talked years ago-with me on his bed and him sitting on the floor. We talked with me under his blankets and his arms wrapped around me.
I realized I could be vulnerable and let Mulder in without losing anything. It was okay to be weak in front of him. He would not think less of me or treat me differently. Mulder would be concerned and overprotective of me as he had always been-no more, no less. He knew I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I had nothing to prove to him. I had built walls to strengthen me, but they had only weakened me by shutting Mulder out. It had taken me seven years to learn this lesson.
And now Mulder has been taken from me. I am alone carrying his child. Do I regret walking this path with him? Do I regret all the times we had done things our way instead of falling in line with FBI protocol? No. We always did what was strictly forbidden and I for one would have it no other way.