Break Me
By: Greed-Ling Michi
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Break Me
By: Greed-Ling Michi
January 8, 2013
Contents
Porcelain Puppet
To all the broken souls and porcelain hearts…
Porcelain Puppet
Porcelain skin. A heart of such fragile glass. A young boy with nothing to him, no love for him, nothing of his own. It was a sad life, controlled by a puppet master. Only a toy never seen as a true being. Love was impossible. It was never to be achieved, as fate seemed to be. Always alone, always alone…
I lived in a circus, an act in the show. I never wanted to, but care for me no one did. "Dance, Sing, Do This, Do That!" the puppet master would yell. I am not a puppet, but it is like I am a doll. Porcelain. Hard. Dead. Alone.
"Look at the puppet, Look at the silly puppet, Look at the stupid puppet!" Always in my head. That is all I ever heard. The puppet. I was not a puppet. But now, I might as well be. I never move on my own, I never speak, I am alone. The Puppet. That is me. A still doll, never to move, or breathe, or live. Why can I not be alive? Why can I not be loved? Am I not a human too? If not, why am I like this?
Porcelain. Hard. Dead. Alone.
"Is that him?"
"That's him. Take him. He's broken, doesn't work anymore. He wont dance."
"Hmm…"
A tall man, a bearer of shining blue hair like the sky, stood before the tight locked cage I sat soullessly in, the iron bars rusted and shedding. He spoke with the puppet master, the man who owned me.
"He's a worthless piece of trash, just get him out of my sight," the puppet master said. He turned and walked away, leaving me alone with the blueette. Had not he loved me, that twisted puppet master? Had I done something wrong? The blueette unlocked my cage. I sat as I always did; still, legs spread apart, hands laid palm up at my sides, limp and lifeless, a doll. The man stepped up to my cage and touched my arm lightly, only to gasp and pull back quickly. He stared at me silently for a while. I said nothing. I moved not an inch.
"You're not a puppet, are you?" he asked, his soft, quiet voice like soft cloth, like silk.
I stayed silent. I always stayed silent. I never moved, never talked. But today, I felt something. With a quiet crack and a hesitant voice, I spoke. "No…" I said.
The man, with a look of sympathy I had never seen and sorrow as if my pain was contagious, climbed up into my cage and kneeled down next to me. "Why are you here, little puppet?"
I lifted my head, straightened up in a series of loud pops and cracks, and looked into his deep midnight eyes. "I was found by the puppet master. He took me. He has kept me. I am his puppet. I do his bidding."
The man looked down at me sadly, then smiled, a soft smile that seemed to sparkle. "Not anymore…" A small tear slid down his face. "I bought a puppet. I didn't expect it to be a boy…but, come with me." He held his hand out to me.
What did he mean? Why had the puppet master sold me? Did he not love me anymore? I did not understand. What was happening?
"It's okay," his calm voice said. "I won't hurt you. I want to help you."
I stared at him, his compassionate smile reaching out to me. I reached up and took his hand. It was soft and warm, warmer than mine. Slowly, with the sound of popping and cracking, I stood up with him. He led me out of the cage slowly, watching me carefully, possibly noting the twitching in every movement I made.
The cold night air around the circus brushed lightly over me. I did not feel it, I was used to it, but the blueette shivered. I walked with the man back to his vehicle, a silver Lamborghini, deep red, velvety seats inside. He opened the passenger side door and I slid slowly in. I have only ever been in my cage; I have never been in a car. The seat was soft and warm, contrasting the night air. It was almost suffocating, but beautiful and lovely, a world red as wine.
The man slid into the seat next to me and started the vehicle. He turned to me and looked at me for a while, his eyes burning through me to the human soul that was still existing inside me. To break the strange tension, I simply asked what his name was.
"Oh, my name's Kaito Shiion. What's yours? Or, what did they call you?"
"The puppet master called me VY2…" I said, looking down at my feet.
"Oh, okay…then VY-"
"But my name is Yuuma." I said suddenly without thinking. It felt as if a sudden burst of unnatural energy flowed out on those words. I did not even know what I just said. It just came out without warning. Was that really my name? How did I know that? I do not remember anything before the circus…
Kaito looked at me, not realizing the strange phenomenon surrounding what just happened. "Alright, Yuuma. Let's go home." He smiled and the car started to pull away from the circus. I was somewhat glad I was leaving this place, but at the same time, I felt sad and empty…but maybe I had new, better, life ahead of me with Kaito Shiion…
Marionette is Human
Two weeks I have spent with this strange man who calls himself Kaito Shiion. He bought me new clothes but I still have the marks from the circus, the pink heart on my left cheek that symbolized the puppet I was. But I was not a puppet, I knew that. I had to be human right? I felt warmth and cold now, pain and gentleness. I had never interacted with humans in any way like this before. I had only danced for them and sang for them, only to fall back down like a wooden toy. Everyone thought I was a puppet. Maybe that is all the puppet master thought of me as well…and that is why he got rid of me…
But Kaito was a nice man. He took good care of me; fed me, not too much as I had become accustomed to eating only a small portion a day. That is all the puppet master gave me. But Kaito gave me more. He asked me if I was hungry every few hours, he made sure I was comfortable, he kept me hydrated. He constantly checked if I had a fever. At first I was annoyed with such attention, ii was not used to it, but it became normal and I let him do what he wanted. After all, he was only making sure I was okay, that I was healthy.
When he first bought me at the circus, I was close to the weight of a puppet, only skin and bones. I did not know I should not have been, I could not have known. But Kaito told me it was wrong, and that is why he feeds me so often. I have a healthier weight and I can move without looking like a possessed doll. I no longer snap or pop or crack when I move. I have developed some emotions and I try to show how I feel. I smile and I laugh and when I know that I did wrong, I cannot help it and I cry. I do not cry because I am sad, or because Kaito yells at me. I cry because he does not. In the circus, if I did wrong, I was beaten by the puppet master. Kaito only looks at me, his eyes kind and understanding and says, "That's not good, Yuuma. Don't do that again."
He said this to me when I slit my arm because I realized I could feel pain. "That's not good, Yuuma. Don't do that again." He said it to me when I did not eat my lunch because I was afraid to. "That's not good, Yuuma. Don't do that again."
Kaito never yelled at me, and I could not understand. Deep down, though it sounds strange, I wanted him to yell at me. His kindness was too much for me, and that is why I cry. These emotions I began to feel made me a little scared. Some I did not understand, some I asked Kaito about, but one emotion I began to feel I was sure that I, one who just began living, was sure I knew. I had fallen in love with Kaito.
I really could not explain it. He was so nice, a warm smile always spread across his face that warmed down to my lonely spirit every time I saw it. He was gently and made sure I was always protected and never hurt me. He would not hurt me; he could not bring himself to do it. At first I was frightened by my own feelings. I rarely spoke at all, then I all together stopped, I did not eat, I barely moved. Kaito noticed, he thought something was wrong.
"What's the matter, Yuuma?" he asked me, sitting by me on the couch. Me a still doll. "You haven't been eating much. Did something happen?" How could he think something had happened? I was always here with him, I never left. "Yuuma…" Uh-oh… "That's not good, Yuuma…"
"I want to go outside," I said without thinking. Kaito blinked at the sudden demand, but he nodded and took my hand. He took me outside in the yard. I watched the beautiful spring cherry blossoms blow away with the wind. It was strange, but I was enamored with the colour pink. Especially the delicate light pink of the cherry blossom. I caught a small, pale petal in my palm and stared down at it. This petal was free. It could go anywhere. I was locked away in the circus, and with Kaito he was afraid to take me anywhere yet. In truth, this was my first time outside since the circus. Though the scenary was beautiful, I felt something bad in my heart, I felt sorrowful.
Kaito walked up to me and lightly placed his hand on my shoulder. "Do like the cherry blossoms, Yuuma?" he asked in his soft voice.
"Yes," I said. I held my hand out and watched the painted petal blow away in the wind. "My mother planted cherry trees." My eyes went wide and I covered my mouth, trying not to fall back. What did I just say? Why did I say that? How do I know that? I do not remember anything about my mother…or maybe…
Kaito gently grabbed my shoulders. "Yuuma…what did you just say?"
"M-my mom…she planted cherry trees…I-I remember. She grew all kinds of things." I stared off into the distance and began to walk forward. "She had cherry trees, and she had rice fields. I loved helping her plant. She was so nice. And she always made the best food…uh…" I slipped down to my knees, tears dripping silently down my face. Kaito ran to me and held me, telling me I was okay, it was okay to remember this. I knew it was, it just hurt…
Fated True Love
Kaito has started taking me outside. We walk to the park a lot and we talk about things I have started to remember, of before the circus. I also tell him about my times in the circus. I tell him about the puppet master and the snake boy I met there. He was nice and he talked to me sometimes, but he thought I was just a pupet so I did not move when he spoke to me. Kaito said it was good that I had a friend, and it is good that I am remembering things about my past. The more I talk to Kaito, the more I start to love him, but the more nervouse I get when we talk. Kaito has taken notice, but he does not say anything.
Kaito walked into my room and woke me up. "Yuuma, we're gonna go somewhere today, okay?" he said. I was excited and I could just shout with joy, but I did not show my excitement to Kaito. I just nodded and got up slowly. After I dressed myself, which I could do now, I looked in the mirror. This was my first time looking in a mirror at myself since the first day with Kaito. I saw the pink heart on my cheek and noticed how different I looked now. I was no longer skin and bones and had gained enough weight to be healthy. I still wore clothes like a puppet, but that was my choice. I enjoyed the puppet clothes.
Only one thing, one I could not see in the mirror, had changed more than I. I was depressed, sorrowful, my heart felt broken. Everyday I spent with Kaito, ever since I knew I loved him, I was only being crushed and killed. I could not tell Kaito, I could not touch him the way I wanted. I wanted to be held, close and tight, so passionate and lovingly. But I was afraid. If I told Kaito, what if he did not love me? What if he saw nothing but a puppet, a porcelain puppet. Everyday, I begged to myself, "Oh please just break me. Kaito, just break me…"
I was already broken inside. My heart was shattered. I knew he could not love me. I was just so different. Too diferent. He could never love me…
I walked out of my room and sat at the mahogony table in the kitchen. Kaito gave me my breakfast, two rice balls. Last week I could only eat one, but now I could eat more. I did not feel like eating, but I knew if I did not what Kaito would do. "That's not good, Yuuma. That's not good, Yuuma." I could not hear that , not today. I began eating while Kaito left the room. I finished before he came back. I continued thinking about my precious one-sided love for Kaito. I pressed my hand over my heart and scratched at my warm skin.
Kaito came back into the room and layed a red wrapped box in front of me. "Here. Open it," he said. I slowly reached forward and took the box, pulling off the blue ribbon and slowly opening the box. As I lifted off the lid, I pulled out the object inside. It was a dark, blood red bracelet, a ribbon that tied in a bow. I started to ask what it was but Kaito snatched it out of my hand and tied it on my wrist. "It's for you, for staying with me," he said.
"Why would I leave you, Kaito? I cannot do anything without you. I have not learned enough about the world outside the circus yet." I stared down at the table and did not look at Kaito. I could not. It hurt too much…
"But still, you could've chosen to leave. I'm just glad you didn't." He laid his hand lightly on mine. I looked over at our hands on the table, my heart beating quickly. It hurt. It hurt so much. I could not stand it. Heat rose through my body, strong, burning. My head hurt, my eyes burned, I could not take it.
My mind went blank, I moved without thinking. With a sudden burst that made Kaito jump, I sprang from my seat, the heat burning through my whole body. I spoke without thinking, yelled without meaning to. I could not stand it!
"It's okay, Yuuma. You're fine, Yuuma. That's not good, Yuuma! I can't stand you, Kaito! I can't take this! I can't take you! You're so nice and I don't understand it! Why do you torment me? Can't you tell, you're hurting me!" Hot tears began dripping down my cheeks, I could not stop them. "If you care for me so much, how can't you see that? I want you to notice me! What am I to you, Kaito?!"
Kaito looked at me, shocked and upset. "I don't know," he said softly and quietly. I looked down, ashamed and embarrassed, tears still sliding down my face. Kaito slowly reached his hand out to me. I took it and he slowly pulled me to him, hugging me tightly. I buried my face into his chest and cried. Kaito slowly stroked my head, softly whispering to me, telling me he was sorry and it was okay. My heart hurt so much, and I could barely breathe now, but I felt so calm and relaxed in Kaito's arms, and even after I stopped crying he let me stay there with him, just like that…
To Love a Puppet
After that day, Kaito kept a close eye on me and asked me during dinner how my day was and how I was feeling. He would now let me take walks by myself, but he gave me a phone so if I was lost or in trouble I could call back home. I met so many people when I walked alone, some who knew me from the circus. The children would walk up and check for my strings. They still saw me as a puppet…
But that did not bother me. I could handle all that, it was Kaito that still bothered me. I felt better after that day, but I still had not told Kaito how I felt. Maybe it was better he did not know. Maybe I should not tell him. But, maybe I would feel better if I told him, even if he did not love me back. It is not like I would ever leave him.
Kaito made a nice dinner, chicken over rice with gravy and potatoes, and he asked me how my day was.
"I had a nice day, thank you," I said , twirling my fork around my food.
"Good. And, how do you feel today?"
"Fine…"
He looked at me curiously from across the table. "Are you sure?"
"…no."
Kaito sighed and laid his fork down on his plate, then folded his hands in front of him. "What's wrong, Yuuma?"
I hesitated a moment. "The kids that I saw today, they still think I am a puppet," I lied.
"Oh, I see. Well, they'll eventually see that you're not. It'll be alright."
"Thank you, Kaito," I said, getting up from the table without finishing my food. "Goodnight." I walked to my room leaving Kaito to eat by himself.
I dressed myself and lay down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking to myself. Why can I not just tell Kaito that I love him? Why is it so hard? There must be some way to tell him, to show him. I cannot stand it anymore. But I am not brave enough to tell him…
I woke up the next morning and dressed myself as usual, stopping in front of the mirror once again to see myself. Suddenly I felt something awful rise inside of me. I was disgusted with what I saw, though I did not understand why. I had never felt this way before when I looked at my reflection. I felt such hate and contempt for this person in front of me. Burning, stinging tears formed in my eyes, slowly spilling over. What was so wrong with me that even I could not stand myself? A puppet. That is what is wrong with me. That is what I see in front of me. A filthy puppet. Is this what Kaito sees? Is this why?
Frustration and hate filled my being. I knew that was all I was, to him, to me, to everyone, forever. I raised my arm up and shut my eyes tightly, turning my head away. In a swift movement of an anger release I brought my hand down into the mirror, shattering the reflective glass. Shards scattered in all directions on the floor around me as a small stream of deep red liquid dripped onto the floor. I refused to open my eyes.
I heard the door open and Kaito call to me, running to my aid. My eyes remained shut. He took me by the arm and led me out of my room. I heard the sound of running water and slowly opened my eyes. I only kept them half open, staring down at the floor as Kaito was in a panic. He pushed up my sleeve and placed a cool cloth over the cut in my arm and the various cuts in my hand. He was calmly talking to me, telling me I was okay, but I did not peak and only stared at the ground. I had gotten the better of myself. I had done something bad. I could not care less…
Kaito drove me to the hospital. He told me on the way to keep the cloth pressed against my arm. I did as he said, but I still did not acknowledge much of anything that was happening… Once at the hospital I was rushed into an emergency room. They had to stitch my arm up, but again I stayed silent through the whole process. Afterwards I was taken to a certain part of the hospital, somewhere colourless and dull in the back. Kaito came with me, much to the doctors displeasure. He said he would not leave my side, and he did not.
Kaito and I sat there in that room. Maybe they thought I could not hear them, that I was in shock, because they talked to Kaito with me in the room.
"I think it's just for the best the Yuuma stay here for a while. He'll be safe here. We just don't want him to hurt himself again."
"I understand…but, can I stay with him?"
The doctor sighed and looked down at the floor. "We will allow you to stay here for the first few days of his treatment, but after that you can only come to visit him."
"Alright, thank you."
The doctor left. I wish he had taken Kaito with him. Kaito placed a hand on my uninjured one. I turned my head slightly then moved it back. Kaito sighed.
"What happened, Yuuma?" he asked. I was silent. "You were doing so well, I thought you were happen. What happened all of a sudden?" I stayed unresponsive. Kaito sighed and leaned his head on my shoulder. "I don't know what I did wrong, Yuuma…but whatever it was, I'm sorry…" Kaito lifted his head and kissed me lightly on the cheek. My heart jumped. He hugged me and said so softly it was almost a whisper, "I love you, Yuuma…"
My eyes widened and my heart pounded faster and faster, my mind racing. What? Did he really mean that? Could he really love me, a puppet? My mind completely shut down, almost taking my body with it.
In a sudden burst of emotion, and with a confused gasp from Kaito, I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him to me in a loving kiss that I had waited for since three weeks after I arrived at the house of this loving and gentle man. At first Kaito was shocked and surprised, tensed and about to run, but after a few seconds he calmed down and welcomed me, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
I was taken out of treatment sixteen days later. Before we left I told Kaito everything, the reason for my odd behaviours and the reason I broke the mirror in the first place. After hearing my reasoning and thinking about it he smiled and laughed. I smiled too. When Kaito and I returned home after I was released, everything went back to the way it was before I realized my feelings. But some things were different. Kaito's voice was more soothing and romantic at times and a little more gentle, and his loving touches were more gentle and soft and, sometimes, maybe just a bit more passionate.~
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