A/N: Hi and welcome to the Idiots Guide for Babysitting! I know some of you were excited to see this and in fact the only reason I'm making this story available so quickly is because I've already had the first chapter written since about halfway through Return To Irk. The other chapters are likely to be slow in coming because I want to make them good (and because it's the end of the semester and I have no time to write).

So enjoy this now! I hope you like the beginning I thought it was really funny. LEAVE REVIEWS!

Introduction

Listen to me now Earth-Worm-Child. I ZIM have something to say. I understand this may be hard for your tiny human mind to comprehend but I am an alien. Yes yes, You are surprised. I'm sure you are wondering how someone so normal looking could possibly be an alien but I assure you it's true. In fact I am not simply a warrior, I am the Almighty Ruler of the Superior Irken Race!

I suppose your tiny human meat-brain must be in shock from this news by now but PAY ATTENTION! I have information vital to the existence of your pathetic planet. Oh I'm sure you're thinking "What could possibly be so dangerous that such a mighty Irken could not handle?" And yes I am amazing, but now is the time to listen.

In the past years I have hidden from your earth authorities, battled with an annoying large-headed human, overthrown the leaders of the Irken Empire, and fought a purple-eyed psycopath out for revenge, but I have never come across a situation more dangerous than the one I am about to tell you of. Keep this information stored in your knowledge centers in your filthy cities, ZIM COMMANDS YOU! Because I am about to tell you how to babysit an Irken/Human smeet-baby.

Background

On the day in question I was down in my lab, testing how pumping goo under the cloaclemandibularus muscle of an earth shark would affect its ability to swim through pudding. My… 'advanced' Standered Information Retrieval robot GIR (I still wonder what the G stands for) was off in a corner playing with a rubber piggy. Honestly I was just glad he was being quiet. My earth partner Kam was up in the Above-ground-human-area of our new housing unit caring for our newborn smeetlings. I know she told me to work on making that extra room in the base for the twins but I didn't know how much a containment unit was required.

You see once released from its pod, an irken smeet is immediately able to walk talk and care for itself. Well I mean after it is activated by its ID PAK that is. I really didn't consider that their intelligence might be impaired by the human DNA from their mother. I know better now. Human babies are typically even more stupid than the adult humans. And the average adult human is REALLY STUPID! The twins are not as stupid as a human baby. They do gain some intelligence from their PAKs, but that doesn't make them easier to handle… NO!... that makes them all the more dangerous.

You see while Irken smeets already have all the previous knowledge of all past Irkens, Earthling babies are required to learn everything themselves. That's why their race is typically more stupid than dookie. They are also very curious.

We have only been back from my home planet Irk for a week, and yet that already seems far too long.

Kam called me upstairs that morning telling me she would be going out with that horrible demon-girl Gaz. I told her to have fun and take her time. The longer she was gone the more time I could work on a few experiments on that happy human. It's one that I had caught years ago, it hasn't changed much… well it has grown but other than that it is still frighteningly happy. Kam had told me to release it but I stuck it in a stasis field instead and hid it in a corner of the lab. Just don't tell her or the Dib-monkey. They might get the wrong idea.

Of course when I first thought of using the time for experiments I did not realize how much attention the twins would require. I learned of my mistake soon after Kam had left. She yelled down the elevator to tell me to come up and take the twins . She walked out the door and it was not more than two minutes later that I went up to find the upper section of our shelter unit in utter destruction. I still have yet to figure out how the tacos got on the ceiling.

I found the twins in mine and Kam's room. Larkz was jumping on the bed with his PAK legs and shredding the mattress in the process due to the sharpened points of the PAK extensions. I grabbed him first.

It was simple to locate his sister, I only had to follow the banging noise. She was in the kitchen smashing GIR's pots and pans together. GIR meanwhile stood screaming. He tried to stop her yelling about how he needed those for waffles but she fooled him by laughing and smashing him right in the head. I used a small laser to shoot a hole through the pan she was holding, and during her confusion snatched her away from the cooking tools.

This brings me to the structure of this book.

I have made a set of rules and I shall add more when I think of them. These rules are very important for a HORID DOOM SHALL BE BROUGHT ON YOU ALL SHOULD YOU FAIL TO OBEY THEM! These are the points I have deemed most critical for the safety of your pathetic race. Read them as if your life depends on it! ...Because it does!

The first rule is the one I have deemed most crucial. The following ones are in regard to different situations I have encountered.

1) Smeets are not cute

2) Keep them away from lasers

3) Watch them closely while they play with your robot

4) Don't let them run opposite directions

5) Never let them outside

Keep these well in mind human. I now present the Irken's Guide to Babysitting.