A/N: This story is in Kyle's POV for the most part. And they are in their senior year of high school. THERE IS SOME LANGUAGE IN THIS FIC, NO LIKE NO READ! Also this is KyleCartman, NO LIKE NO READ. This is my first fanfiction not related to Harry Potter, so be nice. The idea for the story was originally a fantasy about me and my crush, and then I realized it would be a good idea for a fanfiction. NO FLAMES ON THIS FIC, IF YOU FLAME I'LL HAVE MY AGENT "SPEAK TO YOU PRIVATELY". So yeah, here.
"Okay everyone, settle down now," Garrison ordered. " Goddammit! I SAID SETTLE DOWN! JUST BECAUSE THIS IS HUMAN DEVELOPMENT, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN ACT LIKE A BUNCH OF GODDAMN HOOLIGANS!" That shut them up.
"Moving on. Children, today you will get your first assignment--" Garrison was interrupted by the stupid fat ass raising his hand. He's probably gonna ask some retarded question. Let's all watch, boys and girls!
"Uh yeah, Misteh Garrison, if this is human development does that mean we can scream random words referring to sex?" Of course. I knew it. I'd say I told you so but then I would be talking to myself.
"Yeah, Mr. Garrison, can we!? Pleeeeeease!?" Oh my god, Kenny. Honestly, am I the only one who doesn't find genitals a laughable subject?
"Kenny, really? I thought better of you. I really did." Alexandra turned her nose up at the hooded boy, causing his mouth to shut immediately. Ah, Alexandra. Ever since she was transferred into this class, Kenny's been a drooling puppy for her.
" Um, no. No you may not. It's hard enough me having to teach this class after my confusing sexuality." Garrison is crazy. You never know if he's a male, or a female. NEVER! That's why I just call him Garrison.
"Alright, listen up. This is the assignment: you have to care for a baby for two months. You will be partnered off with classmates. You cannot choose your partner. You must take the baby with you EVERYWHERE! You will live in the same apartment as your partner. You will have 300$ a week to spend on the baby, food and clothes. NO EXCEPTIONS. It is called the Simulated Marriage Assignment, or S.M.A.."
By baby I assume he meant, like, a doll, or an egg, or maybe a sack of flour.
"Okay, don't blame me, but there are more boys then girls in this class so there will be one pair of two boys. Here are your partners: Wendy and Stan, Alexandra and Kenny . . . " I tuned out, half listening for my name. Stan'll be happy at being paired with Wendy. I swear, even if he is my super best friend, he is so blind sometimes. In his eyes, Wendy can do no wrong. But in reality, there's no nice way to put it, she's a bitch. Him and Kenny are so lucky. Stan got paired with his girlfriend, and it's widely known that Kenny is practically in love with Alexandra. In fact, the only one who doesn't know is the girl herself. I rolled my green eyes sarcastically. Another genius in the class.
" . . . and lastly, Eric and Kyle will be the male/male partnership. Congratulations, fags."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. ME and CARTMAN!? What the HELL!? No, 'what the hell' doesn't quite cover it. Oh, okay, um, how about: WHAT THE FUCK!? DOES GOD FUCKING HATE ME!? WHAT DID I DO TO FUCKING DESERVE THIS!?
"Well, well, well, Kahl, looks like you and me are parents. I always knew you were a fag! AHA! HAHAHAHA!" Nine years and the asshole still can't pronounce my name right.
"YOU ASSHOLE! IF I'M GAY AND YOU'RE THE 'FATHER' OF MY KID, THEN YOU'RE GAY TOO, DUMB ASS!" Cartman stopped laughing, and I smirked. Then I stopped smirking. He had that look on his face, the one that make Godzilla piss his pants. Yeah THAT scary.
"Aha, Kahl, I see you said 'father', and you know I must agree, Kahl, as you would never be the man in any relationship." Okay, THAT pissed me off. Time to hit below the belt.
" Whatever, fat ass, I'd rather be gay than a potato like you." Cartman opened his mouth to reply, but Garrison cut him off.
"That's enough, Eric, Kyle. Okay class, when I call your name come get your baby. Alexandra." She walked up to the cots at the front of the room, and reached into one with a pink card on the front, and lifted a very realistic doll out. It was adorable! It looked like a newborn from the hospital. It - she - was wrapped in a pink blanket, and had a pink hat. Babies come with hats? Huh.
" HOLY SHIT DUDE! MR. GARRISON, SHE'S REAL!" Wait, real, as in: living, and breathing?
"Oh did I forget to tell you guys? They're real. All of them. The school board decided that dolls, eggs, and flour sacs didn't show you how it was caring for a real baby. Besides, most of the time people would just shove the it under the bed, and leave it there, and you can't do that with a real baby, now can you!? Now, what would you like to name your little girl?"
"Where did these kids come from!?"
"An orphanage in Denver was willing to lend us the children for the sake of the project," Garrison waved his hand dismissively. I wasn't going to question it; this is South Park, after all.
"Now, a name . . .?"
"Arianna."
"Don't you want to discuss it with Kenny?" She looked at Kenny, and Kenny just gave her the thumbs up. She smiled then said, "Nope." The whole class laughed. Alexandra's popular as anything. And God, she's pretty. Curly brown hair with hazel eyes and elvish ears, and tall to boot. But behind those eyes sparkled something mischievous. God forbid you lie to that girl. I knew about the noodle incident, that time where she convinced Butters to- no, never mind. I'd just eaten lunch. Not the time to suddenly remember the noodle incident.
"Wendy, come get your child."
Wendy walked confidently to the front of the room, picking up a small, pink-skinned girl.
"Name, Wendy?"
"Prudence."
"Are you going to discuss with Stan?"
"Uh, no." Jesus Christ. Prudence? Does she really hate the kid that much already?
I watched as people went up and picked kids, waiting until my name was called. Grimly, the fatass and I walked to the front of the room. There were only two babies left.
"Um, Kyle? The orphanage gave us specific instructions that these two were not to be separated. They're twins."
Great. I'm stuck with double the work since Cartman isn't gonna do a single fucking thing!
"Names?"
"Um how about Madeline for the girl, and--"
"Adolf!"
"NO, CARTMAN! I'M NOT NAMING THE POOR KID AFTER HITLER!" I shouted, to nobody's surprise. Cartman loved to instigate what he called my 'Jew temper'.
"Well then! How about, Athuse?"
"Not his middle name either, you racist piece of shit!"
"Kahl, Kahl, Kahl. I let you pick the girl's name, because you know more about girls than me, but seeing as I am a boy, I should, therefore, pick the name."
"No, Cartman, because you would pick Hitler's name!"
"Well, Kahl, if you need get the sand out of you vagina, then you know where the bathroom is."
"WOULD YOU TWO JUST PICK A NAME!?"
"Yeesh! Um, Cartman, how about Hunter?" I stared him down as if to say 'say yes or I will HUNT you down and kill you.'
"Well, I don't know . . ." he drawled infuriatingly.
I looked at Garrison, and he nodded at me, to show that he understood that Cartman would drag this out forever if he could.
" Hunter it is!" Thank you Garrison!
"But Misteh Garrison, I didn't offer meh consent."
"Doesn't matter, Eric. Now, class you remember how a couple years ago, that apartment complex on Main Street went out of business? The owners of the property agreed to let us use the building for educational purposes. Gather your things, we're going there now."
Everyone gathered their bags and babies. I looked at Cartman. He sighed and opened his arms. I smiled and passed him Hunter. I gathered my stuff and followed the class outside. I sighed. It's just my luck to get stuck with Cartman, end up being the only one in the class with twins, and have to live with him FOR TWO WHOLE FUCKING MONTHS! I noticed that Alex was dropping back to walk with me. Uh oh. Not good, she was smirking.
"Hey, Kyle." she sing-songed.
"Hiiii?" It came out as more of a question.
"I bet you're pretty happy at being paired with Cartman."
I sighed. Once again, I'd forgotten that she knew.
About that.
My crush on Eric Cartman.
God DAMN it.
Ok, so wadya think? AGAIN, NO FALMES PLEASE! Reviews are appreciated.