Kids, throughout most of my twenties and far into my thirties there was what we called "reality television". Now, thank goodness "reality television" is in the past, but there was a time when you couldn't turn on the tv without finding a reality show. One program that people particularly watched was American Idol, where mostly untalented people would go and make a fool out of themselves auditioning for a record contract on public television. Most of these untalented people would wind up crying or cursing. It was great television.
"Hey guys," Barney said, as he walked into Ted and Robin's apartment and saw them and Marshall and Lily watching the television. "What are you up to?"
"Oh, we're just watching American Idol," Lily responded. "It's on commercial now."
"What? American Idol?" Barney asked. "Since when do we watch American Idol? That show's lame."
"Yeah it is," Robin agreed. "Only reason I'm watching is 'cause Canadian Idol isn't airing this year."
"Robin, please," Ted said. "Don't even start with your Canada is better than America crap."
"If you would just give it a chance, Ted, you'd see how much better it is!"
"Um, guys," Barney interrupted. "Let's just watch something else."
"What? No." Marshall insisted. It's still showing the try-outs and everyone knows that's the best part. Besides, they're in New York tonight, maybe someone we know will try-out."
"Heh, please," Barney said nervously. "No one we know is going to try out for this. Let's just turn the channel."
"No way, Stinson," Robin said. "I've been talked into watching this, so we're going to watch it. Now sit down and shut up."
Barney walked over to the empty chair and sat down, nervously glancing around at his friends as Ryan Seacrest began introducing the next American Idol hopeful.
"You know," Ted said. "This new judge, Kara, is pretty hot."
"Cameras don't do her justice," Barney agreed quietly.
"You've met her?" Robin asked skeptically.
"What? Umm, nope. No, haven't met her. I mean, I just assume… cause you know, camera adds ten pounds? I mean, you look way better in person than you do on tv, Scherbatsky."
"I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult," Robin said, Lily laughing beside her.
So we sat there and watched American Idol. We laughed at the people who were horrible, were impressed by the people who sounded good, were entertained by Simon's comments, and listened some more as your Aunt Robin tried to convince us to watch Canadian Idol when it started back up in 2010. But then your Uncle Barney started acting weird.
"Guys!" Barney said, shooting up from his chair. "Let's go downstairs to the bar! It'll be awesome!"
"It won't be awesome," Ted contradicted. "It's Tuesday night. No one goes there on Tuesday night, so it would just be us, doing the same thing we're doing here, except with no American Idol. AI's the only thing saving this night, dude."
"Fine, then let's play a game," Barney suggested.
"It's not game night," Lily supplied.
"Yeah, and you can't just expect me to come up with a game that quickly," Marshall agreed.
"It doesn't have to be a made up game! It could be Monopoly."
"You cheat."
"Scrabble?"
"Yeah, you cheat at that, too."
"Twister?"
"And be felt up the whole night by you? No thanks."
"I never?"
"You always win that."
"Spin the bottle?"
"Barney!"
It was about now that we noticed your Uncle Barney looked pale and was starting to sweat a lot.
"Fine!" Barney shouted, walking behind the sofa, talking animatedly and forcing everyone to turn around to see him. "What if I told you what I did for a living?"
There was a collective gasp throughout the apartment.
"But, we've known you for like seven years and not once have you given us any clue as to what you do. Why would you tell us now?" Ted asked.
"Yeah, and why are you so against us watching American Idol?"
"Um, because you're my best friends and reality television is evil?"
He was right there, reality television was evil, but more on that later.
"So do you want to hear this or not?"
"Fine, go ahead," Ted prompted.
"Okay, so nine years ago when…" he began, but was cut off by Robin.
"Wait a minute," she started, turning back towards the television. "Was that you…"
"No!" Barney shouted. "Remote! Turn off the tv! This is an important story and I need your full attention. Don't turn around, just uh… give me the remote."
'C'mon Jessica, c'mon Tori, let's go to the mall you won't be sorry…'
"Wait, Barney," Lily said, turning around.
"Oh. My. God." Robin said, covering her mouth in shock.
"What are…"
'Everybody come and play…'
"But, that's…"
'Throw every last care away…'
"Why…"
'Let's go to the mall...'
"I have to go," Barney announced, practically running out the door.
'Today'
Everyone sat transfixed to the television as they watched Barney singing the old Robin Sparkles song, his routine complete with dance steps. As his performance ended, the judges had about the same reaction.
~*~
"What the hell was that?" Simon asked. "Um, Robin Sparkles?" Barney answered. "She's Canadian." "Ahhh," the judges said collectively. Apparently it was a perfectly logical explanation. "Sweetie," Paula started. "It was very entertaining…" "And you seem like a great guy," Kara agreed. "But that's just not going to cut it, hun." "Okay," Simon said. "Randy, yes or no?" "No, dawg, it's gonna be no." "Kara?" "Sorry, Barney." "Paula?" "It's going to be a no, sweetie." "Right, four no's. Sorry." "Okay, thank you," Barney said, walking away towards the door. "Other door," the judges shouted to him.
~*~
Everyone was too shocked to react. And then your Uncle Marshall started laughing, followed soon by everyone else.
And so kids, that's the story of when we found out that your Uncle Barney auditioned for American Idol.
A/N: Now we're just going to pretend Barney's not too old for the 28 year cut off age =P